The Dipsomaniac Diaries

No Better, No Worse

2011-12-10T08:11:00.004Z

Fridays P&L: GBP 250.00

Fridays Booze: 4 Pints of Aspinall's Cider, 1 bottle of Rioja

Fridays Soundtrack: Music to avoid the daily problems to

So Cameron displayed some Spine and stood up to the Merkel/Sarkozy Euro dream. Actually it was inevitable, there was really no way he was going to allow the Euro mafia to impose the financial transaction tax on London. As the busiest stock market, foreign exchange market and derivatives market in the world, (despite what New York says - you stick to selling municipal bonds to pension funds), it was a tax squarely aimed at London. Some people say that the Europeans will pull out of London as a result, good luck with that it will make for splendid arbitrage if BNP deals out of Paris and Deutsche out of Frankfurt. Talk about history repeating itself does anyone remember the Euromarkets exist because the US imposed a withholding tax. As for us being excluded from the decision making table in Europe so what? The Eurozone has done so well this last decade. The stock markets rose, which continues to amuse me as I don't see the advantage in buying cash stock, from an analysts point of view they look cheap but once again price/earnings multiples are just numbers, sure the big corporations are cash rich right now but that is something that can change very quickly. The banks are still not lending to the corporate sector let alone the retail market, The commercial paper market is still thin so companies require cash fr day to day funding. I made a few shekels on a long position on the Dax 30, but could ave done much better. It is hard for me to trade a direction when I don't believe in the market should be moving that way - still prefer to make money than to be right. Just now I am looking for an entry point into gold futures. This is chancy because it may not go below seventeen hundred an ounce. Id ally would look to get in around sixteen hundred and exit at twenty one hundred. Still sometimes you have to screw your courage to the sticking place.

Still having trouble talking/dealing with the Stalker. Mostly I just wish she would leave me alone, I am in that place where no guy wishes to be - her project. Can't she just go and develop some property or something? Next year she plans to do another month of charity work and is looking at going to India to look after the poor children who work the rubbish dumps, can't come soon enough if you ask me - hope she doesn't expect me to come. I got a phone call from another ex girlfriend yesterday. This one is also a little crazed, (what is it about me and dysfunctional women)? She wants to see me to sort out a few unresolved issues, hope I don't owe her any money! and then the Lunatic rounded my evening off with a two hour skype call reasserting her demands that I agree to marry her before the end of the year. My life is not improved by all this female attention.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Love is Strong - Rolling Stones. I was thinking about the Lunatic after her phone call, you know we met in really rather stupid circumstances in a city so far off the beaten track. We only went to her restaurant because the person I was with preferred the Chapatis to te one two doors before. The odd thing is I knew from the first moment I saw her we were going to have sex and didn't know our relationship would end up being so tortuous. It was quite odd because that afternoon I just decided to neglect going back to work and sat there talking to her. We were interrupted when a couple of guys who ran a surf business out on one of the Islands came in. She had been involved with one of the guys, he was younger and fitter than me but I recall the look of sadness in his eyes when she sat next to me instead of him. We were pretty much inseparable after that. Of course it ended badly, it always does.

The White Room - The KLF. A duo of producers that created their own mythology but good Scottish lads none the less. Groundbreaking in its time but now the template for modern recording. Reminds me of hot summers in the Mediterranean, back in the days before I cut myself off from most people. Think this album was number one on the last holiday I had with my younger brother.

La Tristesse Durera - Manic Street Preachers on Gold Against The Soul. The Manics have an underlying resentment and arrogance that really appeals to me.

Something Is Worrying Me - Otis, I love Otis, ok most people know him for one massive song but that's not so bad is it?. Music for a simpler time, when your concerns were lighter.

When The Levee Breaks - When it comes to over amped rock/blues its always Led Zeppelin, who else could it be? This is one of the finest. Reminds me of a rainy night in New Orleans what seems like a life time ago now, I was working for a Japanese bank and for some reason I can't quite remember ended up in the big easy. Think I was going through an Elvis thing and heading up to Memphis but New Orleans has a way of distracting you.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Still Alive???

2011-12-08T01:59:00.005Z

Todays P&L: GBP 140.00

Todays Booze: 1 bottle of Tinto Pesquara 1994, 1 bottle of Piedra del Rayo

Todays Soundtrack: Music to help you remember

Its a dicey business trading in December. Most offices in the city are empty but despite the reluctance of our trader friends to make a decision the markets carry on. The Euro remains the problem. Can it be saved, should it be saved? As outsiders why do we care? Well I never thought it would work in the first place but as you may have noticed I am something of a pessimist. Chancellor Merkel thinks that fiscal integration is whats necessary and she is right. However easier said than done does anyone seriously think that Paris is going to be happy with the Germans dictating their budget or will the Netherlands or Italy? and who thinks that Germany will be assigned this role anyway just because they are the richest. so what then a committee, bet that works out well - talk about instant political deadlock, perhaps a revolving position, yes I can see Germany allowing Czech Republic to dictate its economy for a year. Sooner or later the Eurozone has to admit the dream is over, it will be easier now than later. The US continues to pump money into an ailing system, but there is no end to this. America is a remarkable economy but they have long passed the stage of financial reality. The American Dream is just that a dream. As the politicians focus on reelection the economy will coast on a tide of never ending cash, with the hope that one day America will replace the jobs flipping burgers and as nail technicians with real highly paid jobs.

I have been seeing the Stalker infrequently as she seems to hate me more and more. I don't mind, in fact I understand but I don't need the grief to be honest. Every now and then I have to point out that she was the one who sought me out after all these years and that I did warn her she was better off staying away as did all my family who she introduced herself too. Anyway she is telling me less and less about her own life, which I only regard as a good thing. The Lunatic keeps threatening to come and visit me, luckily she doesn't have my address. She has left Australia and is back in Jakarta and seems almost sane. My medical outlook seems bleak as ever although I have found out that my body repairs itself remarkably quickly and even ten days before an MRI I can get away with it. So predictably I go on the wagon ten days before any scans or blood tests. I am just feeling so continuously worn out and terribly cold, still worse things happen at sea.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Need You Tonight - Lady Antebellum, this song is so nice, it reminds me of the Italian girl all those years ago when I was just Seventeen. I love songs when people expose themselves as in real life I am quite a guarded person

Nothing Compares To You - Sinead O'Conner. Written by Prince, I saw Prince perform this song at some concert - he was spectacular, shes good as well though. Its quite a bitter song about losing someone who means everything to you.

Never Tear Us Apart - A consistent favourite song of mine. You know, as I have found out, sometimes the passage of time doesn't dim the love between two people. People split up for any number of reasons, often they are the wrong ones.

Soul Survivor - Rolling Stones, Exile On Main Street. Not much to say about why I like this song, we all get ground down sometimes but despite it all we keep on fighting.

On The Beach - Chris Rea, I may not seem like the beach type and I certainly am not. I have spent a lot of time in the tropics and even have a house somewhere down in Spain but I prefer the beach at night. In one bank I worked I was nicknamed the Prince of Darkness because of my reluctance to go out in daylight. I think this song is about regret all that "take me back, to the place that I know" I can understand that.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Feeling Better?

2011-09-12T00:46:00.002+01:00

Fridays P&L: GBP 340.00

Fridays Booze: 8 pints of Stella Artois

Fridays Soundtrack: Music to kill time too

Friday saw the markets take another downward trend. Their was a brief rally during the week but I fail to see any reason why. Many analysts point out that the markets are trading at relatively low price earnings ratios, which is true but in the current global climate, a world where seemingly all the previous rules don't apply, these things are meaningless. The continuing rise in the price of gold and the somewhat crazy decision of the Swiss central bank to draw a fixed exchange rate are proof that the world is looking for any stability. America is seemingly trapped in a jobless stasis. There is no credible solution, all the politicians are concerned about are the next elections. The Fed has painted itself into a corner similar to the one it criticized Japan for although Americas corporate sector is hardly as paternal as that of Japan. Further quantitative easing will do little more than increase the debt burden. Europe is in an even worse situation, the imposed currency restrictions of the Euro are causing the inevitable pain to the weaker nations and it remains a matter of time before Germany has to admit it cant pay for all of Europe. From a traders perspective, taking a chance on high yielding Spanish or Italian debt seems a sure fire way to make money in the short-term. At this stage Greek debt is probably too close to default to take a chance on. The UK is also in an equally dire situation, the coalition seems unable to make any headway and is just happy to blame everything on the previous administration. The banking sector, previously models of corporate success seem hopelessly mired in failure, the NHS, which I personally owe a great deal to, is continuing to bleed money and is surrounded by inept management and unnecessary government tinkering. In short it is all very bleak.

My personal life continues to be problematic, I nearly pissed off the Stalker enough for her to leave me but as usual she decided to give me another chance. This is strange because I am not very pleasant and she has no sympathy for my medical condition so its not like she is giving me an easy ride. My health continues to be a little dodgy but after a recent CT scan the operator said he can't see any sign of cirrhosis although my Pancreas is still fucked, predictably my way of taking the good news was to have a few pints - I'll never learn. Predictably my mother took my repaired liver as a gift from God, due to my new found faith, although I am hardly devout and in no way worthy of any miracle. My mother was there three of the times I was diagnosed with cirrhosis so she hopes for the best.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds are two steps from the eighties revival circuit and yet at one point were absolutely huge. This song is always going to be known as the song from the Breakfast Club but its a great track on its own. I suppose I am a sucker for power chords and wearing your heart on your sleeve. In some ways I haven't changed since I was fourteen.

living For The City - Stevie Wonder is always great to listen to if you imagine yourself as a star in a blaxploitation movie, and this song is one of the best. I am always attracted to the countryside no matter which country I have lived in but can't shake the draw of urban living, the few times I have spent anytime in the country or jungle I have grown bored quite quickly.

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac in the middle of one of the most dysfunctional relationships in music during the recording of Rumors - is it any wonder I like this song. The lyric "If you don't love me now, we'll never love again", reminds me of the demands that the Stalker and especially the Lunatic placed upon me. I suppose I look at relationships the wrong way but I know I am selfish and arrogant neither of which are attractive qualities.

Pandora's Box - OMD and my eighties obsession. Apparently this song was inspired by Louise Brooks who featured heavily in the video. It seems to me to be about the need to escape the mundane life, something I feel empathy with. It is also a little about obsession.

Unfinished Sympathy - Massive Attack, I just like the way this song sounds. It reminds me of my brother for some reason although there are many things that remind me of him.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Los Desperados

2011-07-10T01:17:00.008+01:00

Fridays P&L: GBP 60.00

Fridays Booze: 2 bottles of Chatau Poujeaux 2000

Fridays Soundtrack: Music to think about your girlfriends to

Friday was a difficult day for me, there was volatility in the market I was concentrating on, The DAX30, but I missed all the main action dealing with issues with the Stalker. The Europeans raised interest rates but the UK was unable to match them as they know the economy is to weak to withstand it. There is more to this than is immediately apparent. The UK doesn't have the fear of inflation that our German friends do but they are little concerned with the effects of inflation on the ordinary people. I suspect that the primary concern of the UK government is the amount of money tied up in the assets that the Bank of England has received in the form of collateral from the banking sector that they still support despite the fact the banks themselves are possibly even more mismanaged than before. The banking lobby in the UK must be very strong.
One of the strangest results of the banking crisis, which nearly destroyed the country is that the banks, which were mismanaged by out of touch old school bankers are now all run by former heads of trading. What happened to establishing a modicum of control. The nature of traders is to take risk, If you don't you will last less than six months in any trading floor in the world. It's sort of the job.

The Stalker has returned although we are still edgy around each other. She and I are constantly fencing when we should be spending what little time we may have happily. In a further complication the Lunatic has contacted me and given me an ultimatum to marry her and I have also received further contact from another ex who is Thai and slightly mad also. I am not so worried about the Thai girl as she is flirting with becoming a muslim, she lived in Abu Dhabi for some time and she knows I would never have a serious relationship with a muslim. The Lunatic however is a different matter, deep down I remember her fondly and she has even said it wasn't her that tried to kill me.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Love Of My Life - Queen, the Lunatics favourite song. I suppose I have a soft spot for Freddie Mercury, even though the band always seemed to be deeply unfashionable. This song shows his powerful voice, but always reminds me of a party we had in her restaurant back in Indonesia. Good times. People who knew how to enjoy themselves.

I Don't Want To Lose You - A soft song from Tina Turner, Makes me think of all my serious relationships. Truth be told, all these girls are far too good for me. My father once said to me, "you know if you meet this fantastic woman, a really great girl - she is usually in love with some total asshole. Thats you".

Missing - One of my favourite songs from Everything But The Girl, The Stalker thinks this song appeals to me because of my over-dramatic personality. She may be right. When I am drunk, which is often, I like to listen to this "And I miss you, like the desert misses the rain" , all my significant relationships seem to involve this disturbing undercurrent of emotion. The Lunatic said she was completely changed and no longer felt so much for me - three phone calls later, each for several hours, and she issued her marriage demands. Just about the worst thing that could happen to me right now is for The Stalker and The Lunatic to get in contact. They both own property in Bali and in Jakarta so the last thing I want is for them to meet.

I'll Remember You - Not a huge fan of Madonna, I always got the impression she was trying too hard. I love this song mostly from the movie "With Honours". I watched this a few times, first time with The Lunatic when the homeless person died she said to me, "why do you want to be alone so much?". I hadn't realised that I did. Some things you can't learn in school.

Missing You - An eighties classic from John Waite - suits my self imposed sense of drama. I can spend a whole day listening to music like this. This song is all about how you feel when you stop seeing someone, usually its because she decided not to carry on the relationship - my specialty was behaving so badly no right minded woman would want to have anything to do with me.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Unforgiven

2011-07-02T01:41:00.009+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 160.00

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of Russian Standard Vodka

Today's Soundtrack: Music to forget the past to

A boring day, most Americans had left the office for the thanksgiving weekend and as usual when the Americans aren't in the market it sort of dies after half past two. I made a quick 169 on going long, (buying) the FTSE100 in the morning but it was the kind of day when I may as well not have bothered. Instead I was considering the current state of the markets. I am less bemused by the continuing rise of the stock markets, obviously the reason is the continuing low bond yields which make equities attractive. If I had the money I would take a punt on 2 year Irish debt. Greek bonds seem attractive but at this stage I wouldn't pick any up until yields were over 40% because default seems inevitable, no matter how much money the Germans throw at the situation. bond YTM, (yield to maturity), is inverse to the price so as the yield rises the price drops and the bonds tend to perform like an equity. when that happens its a pure risk trade so sometimes it pays off like in Indonesia in ninety seven and other times it fails like in Argentina and before that Russia. The economy of America is frustrating. The woefully inept Bernanke announced an end to quantitative easing but this was followed up by the Fed announcing it will buy up to three hundred billion dollars of debt issued by the fed! The US debt situation is becoming comical.

I haven't posted for a while because I have been in hospital on and off. I shall be going back in at the end of July again - things don't look too good for me but who knows I feel ok more or less so I am not too worried right now.

The stalker finally seems to have had enough of me and I guess the most recent break up was inevitable. Of course I am sad about this but, to be honest, I am not what she needs in her life. She can't change me no matter how much she tries. I was considering this because I suppose I met her about twenty years ago and I have been in touch with the lunatic as well who I last saw twelve years ago. Both these women have matured and grown up in that time, it seems I have not.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Undercover Of The Night - The Rolling Stones. Much criticized but I still love them. Tropical music for dangerous places. I have been to a few of those, the odd thing is I actively seem to seek out the worst places wherever I am.

Some Like It Hot - At heart I am still an eighties boy. The Power Station were much underrated. The two boys from Duran played some great guitar and bass and Tony Thompson on the drums, RIP Tony. Robert Palmer adds some sheen to the act, this is a good song and a great one to get drunk to.

In The Evening - Led Zep. This is the first track of the much unloved in through the out door record. At this stage Led Zeppelin were literally falling apart. The enormous success they had enjoyed was killing them. A good anecdote is when they about to perform a show and Elvis finished his set and introduced them saying "I know who your all here to see" because he was aware that for every one record he sold they sold three. At the time this was recorded Bonham was close to death and a shadow of his former self. Page was addicted to heroin and Plant was still grieving over the death of his son. This is still a great song though with a crushing guitar riff from Jimmy Page.

Only You Can Rock Me - UFO, a somewhat forgotten hard rock band from the early eighties. I saw this band live when I was about twelve. Life seemed so much easier back then, mind you its not like my life has been a struggle since then. The only person that has made things difficult for me is me.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond - The Floyd. This song is very evocative but also, for me, quite sad. It is about the founding member who went a bit mad after taking far too many drugs. Its sort of crazy to think he was out of the band before they started to enjoy their stadium rock success. I am someone who identifies with self-destructive behaviour.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Rules

2011-04-28T20:59:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 120.00

Today's Booze: 1 bottles of not so good red wine

Today's Soundtrack: Music to drink to

Another quiet day. I was too lazy and or tired to really follow the markets. So I missed the dollars seemingly inevitable downward shift. The Americans must realize that if even the Euro seems a better choice then they really have to start addressing their finances. There was some bad news from Japan but really in the UK all everyone seems to be thinking about is the upcoming royal wedding. So tomorrow is a day off and means I'll have little chance to make any money.

A worrying request from my GP today not to attend my gastro consultant's appointment. Apparently my blood results are seriously abnormal again. My mother has entered int some mad depression, so I better not inform her and of course my father has his hands full with her. I told my brother but he still thinks I am indestructible, so is of little help. I have also broken a bone in my foot, which is somewhat painful.

I was thinking about my drinking and what it means to be a drunk. It's not as easy as you would think, you know. So what are the rules to being a drunk. It's a difficult question, I grant you because most people would assume the whole point of being a drunk is that there are no rules. Not so. There is a whole etiquette to being a serious drinker that the casual drunk may miss entirely. Here are a few of the rules:

Rule number one: If your sad, keep it to yourself. We all have a sob story, but don't bring your fellow drunks down with it - thats what blogs are for.

Rule number two: Know your fellow drunk. This is important as it can mean the difference between a good evening, an unexpected brawl and a night in prison. I will discuss the various types of drunk at a later date.

Rule number three: Travel light, whatever you have your going to stand a good chance of losing/gambling/ giving it away. Make sure it isn't anything important. For me, the things I tend to lose are pictures or letters from ex girlfriends - often torn up by new girlfriends. Some girlfriends are more important than others.

Rule number four: Don't go in to a bar without money. This may seem at odds with number three, but you don't want to be embarrassed. Even the most drunken group knows when a freeloader has attached themselves. Girls may get away with this but what man wants to be a girl?

Rule number five: Have a back-up plan. Again at odds with rule number three and really is dependant on how much of a drinker you are and where you may be. Sometimes you tell your girlfriend you are popping out for a pint of milk and the next thing you know you are waking up in Bangkok. Trust me, it happens. I used to always carry fifteen hundred dollars concealed about me and a copy of my passport. Just in case.

Rule number six: The barman/maid is not your friend. It's easy when you are drunk and especially when drinking alone to feel the person serving you has bonded with you. They haven't. You are just another drunk to them and someone they would never exchange hellos with in a regular social setting.

Rule number seven: Avoid single Scottish men.

Rule number eight: Don't try and move upmarket. How you are when you have your first drink is pretty much as good as it gets. It all goes downhill from there. I remember taking my younger brother out once and getting thrown out of The Savoy after we had been drinking, heavily, in various seedy bars.

Rule number nine: Stay away from the phone. It may seem obvious, but two thirty in the morning after drinking your own weight in alcohol is not the time to phone your ex, who you "never should have left". She is probably married with three children and living in Kent now.

Rule number ten: Careful what you say. When drinking with a companion who has experienced a recent broken relationship - tread warily. He needs your support. He is entitled to criticize his ex-wife/girlfriend but will not thank you for doing the same. And he will never appreciate you saying "she slept with all your friends, even me".

More of this later.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

We Have All The Time In The World - Listening to Louis Armstrong is like talking with your grandfather, quite reassuring and comforting. You know if I think of all the things we treat so dismissively. Time is the worst thing we waste. You work all day for what? Couple of hundred pounds, couple of thousand? Every second of your life is precious - fuck, who am I to talk? My two greatest loves I didn't speak to for years. Now time is running out and I finally realised I have spent it more recklessly than all the money I ever had.

Whiskey In The Jar - Perhaps a bit of an obvious choice, but who can ignore the coolest black Dubliner ever? The Thin Lizzy version of this appeals to me more than the traditional version, but maybe that's because I remember watching Lynott on the stage as a child. Great Song.

Fairytale Of New York - In my opinion the greatest Christmas song of all time, so somewhat out of season. The imagery of this song is so strong - anyone who's risked it all when drunk knows this feeling. This song will always remind me of my desperate relationship with The Lunatic.

I'm Still Standing - Elton John is an institution, sort of like the Queen. Not really one of my favourite artists, but this is a great song and good drinking music. We all go through that phase where we think screw what everyone else says I can do - I can do more.

Johnny Come Home - The Fine Young Cannibals and their breakthrough song. For some reason this song reminds me of my brother. He and I are almost interchangeable, there is little difference in the way we look and we were often mistaken for twins. He seems to have all the sense and responsibility whereas I am the one you always wonder if you will ever see again and sometimes hope you won't.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Soul Survivor

2011-04-25T18:51:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: Everyone in the city seems to have died or gone on holiday

Today's Booze: 2 bottles of good red wine

Today's Soundtrack: Music that hurts

Nothing happening in the markets there was some volatility but the hot weather in London and the Easter break seem to have pulled everyone from their desks. I remain convinced the markets are headed for a downfall of significant size. Just check out the gold price, it is now firmly established at the fifteen hundred dollar level. most of that is due to the worrying increase in inflation. All governments are reluctant to release genuine inflation numbers because inflation is like the genie in the bottle, when it gets free it is hard to control. China and India are admitting to eight and ten percent inflation respectively. But you can bet its a lot higher in real terms. the effect of that is to limit real economic spending power in those countries so the vaunted future growth centers of the world may not be as attractive as some imagine.

Received an unexpected call from the Lunatic this morning. One of the other great loves of my life, She is in Singapore just now and we spoke for five hours. She and I still have so much chemistry together. At the same time The Stalker is back in hospital, did I feel like a shit for talking to another woman when I should only have her in my thoughts? Of course I did. However, both these women left me a long time ago for some men who were not so "difficult". Didn't work out for either of them and they seemed to both know I would always be alone. I am beginning to feel like the last refuge for the lonely and heartbroken. The Stalker and The Lunatic are very similar in more than just their nationality. They are both volatile. I guess the biggest difference is The Stalker has a strong level of self-control, until she gets drunk. The Lunatic is completely out of hand. Perhaps she has changed, its eleven years since I last saw her. All I need now is The Princess and The Italian and the Turk to get in touch and I will have the full set. I suppose I have been lucky with women but also you could say I was very unlucky none of my serious relationships have ended well. We have both came out with scars and bruises. The one night stands were so much easier. Emotions hurt some times.

Easter was good, I went to church and finally felt good about myself. If even only for a few hours. I have to go back to hospital soon I don't want to tell the Stalker when, because I am beginning to feel obligated to her for her visits. Maybe I won't be in long this time but I rarely get away with a quick visit. This time maybe when they give me some indication of how long I have left. It seems so odd to be considering death despite my reckless lifestyle. I am sure it will have more impact later but just now I don't really feel anything. Of course I have had to lie to my parents as well, my mother in particular seems to be taking it hard. I told her already she has no duty to look after me but I guess that's what mothers do.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

I Might Have Been Queen - One of Tina's best. This song makes me think of the strong women I have known in my life, but its the last verse that gets to me every time. " I look up to the stars with my perfect memory, I look through it all and my futures no shock to me, I look down but I see no tragedy, I look up to the stars till I find my destiny..." ,why do things that hurt you feel so good?

Real Good Looking Boy - A great song from the post Keith Moon Who. Does this song apply to me? I am not sure, I am quite confident I am attractive but there has to be more to it than that. My demeanor and personality are not exactly what you would call sparkling. And my self-obsession can hardly be a bonus. Still, "Wise men say
Only fools, only fools rush in, But I - I can't help Falling in love, in love with you".

Storm Warning - Another old time favourite of mine, Hilary James has a really nice voice and in this song she sounds so desperate. Perhaps not everyone understands that feeling but I am sure most of us do. I had to tell The Lunatic about my illness today and she immediately said she will get on a plane to be with me. Not sure her current boyfriend would appreciate that though.

On Every Street - This song brings back so many memories for me. I really did revisit a lot of the old places I used to go with my girlfriends in the years we were apart, not deliberately looking for them but somehow hoping I would bump into them by accident. I guess they were too involved at the time to think about me but I remember everything about each of them. They came back to me but the irony is I am running out of time.

Don't Give Up - Kate Bush always has a song for me when I am feeling down. This is depression era music at its best. I suppose I have had a gifted life, things always came easily to me - perhaps too easily. My parents are from a different time and a very poor background but they both struggled and succeeded. I still remember asking my mother if she ever read No Mean City, a classic novel about the in between years in Glasgow and she replied "we didn't need to - we lived it".

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Is Luck On My Side?

2011-04-05T23:50:00.004+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 220.00

Today's Booze: 2 Pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Today's Soundtrack: Music That I Just Like

So the Equity markets had a brief downturn but seem to have recovered fine. After all what is there to worry about. Unrest in the Middle East, more European countries close to default, spiraling inflation, decline in real earnings. The Europeans are likely to raise interest rates on Thursday. The ECB is really just the Bundesbank in all but name and the Germans have fairly bad memories of inflation. The Bank of England will be under pressure to match the rise but the government knows that the UK economy is far to fragile. Proving once again that the UK is too far out of sync with the European economies to have ever been a member of the Euro. I made a quick trade on the DAX 30 prior to the US opening but really didn't do much the rest of the day. I wonder how much longer these economies can go along on essentially borrowing from future. The Japanese earthquake was tragic in terms of human loss but in financial terms it raised an important issues to the funding of the huge American debt. Japan is an enormously rich country but they are struggling with the situation and the aftermath. so it is necessary for them to repatriate some of their external holdings. Sooner or later America is going to have to make some harsh decisions as to what the federal government can afford. I imagine that social services, however minimal they are, will be the first to be cut.

So a quick reminder to me that its not all about me. In quick succession, the Stalker had to return to hospital, and it looks like a bad one and my father down in Spain is also in hospital. Its funny when you are ill and a bit of a drama queen, like me, you tend to forget about other people. I know the Stalker was sick, I mean really sick but she always seemed so full of life around me. My father is the same I just realised he is seventy one years old. He seems so fit and healthy. Because of my inability to express my feelings if either of them die I will never get the chance to
have told them how I feel about them. I recognize this but I also know, that if they are both ok, I will once again be unable to say such thoughts to either of them.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

We Let The Stars Go - Prefab Sprout, wonder if they are still around. Maybe its true, every Irish man is a poet, Paddy wrote some great songs. This song just makes me sad.

Talk Of The Town - "Maybe tomorrow, Maybe Someday" The Pretenders were such a good band, when they were at their peak I guess I was too young to really appreciate them. "Oh but it's hard to live by the rules - I never could and still never do". This song reminds me of a period when I lost it after splitting up, for good this time, with the Lunatic, I wouldn't say I was out of control but for a few months, even by my standards I was overdoing it.

Life's What you Make It - This is classic 80's Pop/Rock. Talk Talk are quite melancholic, a bit like me. I guess this song reminds me of those reflective moments we all get, maybe the ones I drink to avoid.

Storm Warning - Another long-time favourite of mine. I am not sure why I love this song so much, the girl who is the daughter of Bob James seems so sad when she sings, but also has that acceptance of the inevitability of it. This song reminds me of when I was a teenager on the ship, days watching the ocean and how restless it seemed.

Two Faces - Bruce Springsteen, I know he is not terribly popular anymore, but this is a great song. We all have at least two sides to us, I like to pretend I am strictly one dimensional but when I listen to this song, I think about how I ended up like this. As far as I can remember I have always tried to lock away my feelings and even now it seems far easier to write them on a faceless blog. When I listen to this song I think about the Stalker, I suspect she is beginning to see through my on demand pleasantness but she just can't seem to deal with my otherwise frosty attitude.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Amends To Be Made

2011-03-09T01:49:00.005Z

Today's P&L: GBP 100.00

Today's Booze: Lots, it is Fat Tuesday

Today's Soundtrack: Music To Make You Regret

The markets continue to rise, they are looking weak. Some Economist was saying the Western economies are like a dying body kept alive by judicious use of steroids, meaning quantative easing. I totally agree with this. It has to end one day and I suspect the end will be sooner and more brutal than we expect. The UK has tv adverts for workday loans at an APR of two thousand five hundred percent, which should be illegle, but are allowed under our current government. Possibly because the majority state-owned bank, Lloyds-HBOS, is allowed to charge up to four thousand percent on unauthorized overdrafts. The Public sector is shedding jobs hand over fist and yet David Cameron can appear on prime time tv shows looking smug and saying we all have to share the pain. I doubt he is feeling it as much as most people. Gold took a Knock recently costing me a lot of money but has sprung up to an all-time high before retreating. The price of Gold is interesting because it reflects the lack of confidence in the global economy. Forget what the spin doctors and politicians tell you and keep hold of your gold. You may need it in the future. The situation in the middle east has obviously affected the price of oil, which I rarely trade. What I wonder is why these nations that have been dominated for thirty to forty years are suddenly finding a voice while we in the West put up with the same miserable situation we always have had at the hands of the ruling elite.

I was in Hospital for a week or so again, but as usual the tests are inconclusive. I am beginning to think I am some project for junior doctors.

So that was Fat Tuesday, I sort of exploited the fact that I am not going to drink, or at least try, for forty days. On Monday the Stalker paid me a visit and, needless to say we had a fairly savage argument. Wonder how long she can take this, she is tough but I am so use to things going on another level entirely with the Lunatic that she won't be able to outlast me. She did say, before she stormed out that she needed to know if going out with me is just chasing the wind. Its so odd because the last thing in the world I want is to hurt her and yet it seems inevitable. I really try to be nice to her but she is too grown up. It isn't like before. She needs stability and I still avoid it.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Empire State Of Mind - A modern song, by my standards. Obviously I am not talking about the Jay Z version but the Alicia Keyes at the Piano one. This song reminds me of when I was young and thought I could do anything. I never feel like that anymore.

This Womans Work - My sensitive side. Of course I love Kate Bush with a passion, but this song is so sad it brings a tear to my eye. I guess when it comes down to it Mother and child have a special bond. My mother contacted the doctors, without my knowledge to ask if she could donate her liver to me. Unfortunately only my father and older brother are compatible. After all the time, she is just trying to do what she can for me. I would never tell her how much I appreciate her efforts and she would never expect me to say it.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing - I am not a huge Aerosmith fan, apart from Dream On, but this song touches me when I am moody. Despite what all of my past girlfriends would say about my cold nature. I do feel this passion, I just don't know how to show my feelings.

Red Wine - UB40, Not Diamond. This seemed to be in the number one position for ever. Unlike most of my peers I was allowed to drink alcohol at a very young age on the basis I would treat it with respect. That worked out well! Don't judge though, my older brother was also allowed to drink and he is practically tee-total and has been for years. This song makes me think of when I regret things I didn't do - mostly women, for example if the Stalker finally leaves I know I will regret not letting her know I love her.

Run To You - Bryan Adams, I remember this vividly from when i was about fourteen years old. I was into Pop music back then but I liked this track because of the , I don't know desperation. Even then I had a flair for the dramatic. Reminds me of a girl who lived on the same road as me.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

It Doesn't Matter Anyway

2011-02-16T02:50:00.003Z

Today's P&L: GBP 300.00

Today's Booze: 75cl of Imperial Vodka, 4 pints of Dry cider

Today's Soundtrack: Music To Wonder Why

Didn't do much in the markets today. Increasingly bemused by the relentless rise of the major indexes. Is it just me or has the world gone quite mad? America is printing money like its going out of fashion and their is significant turmoil in the middle east, perhaps they will notice now Bahrain is experiencing unrest after all the US 5th fleet is based there. Of course America and the UK is only concerned about Egypt because of the Suez canal, in these green times how can anyone afford to divert their ships around Africa if its closed? Personally I suspect getting rid of Mubarak was a bad move, I wouldn't be surprised to see Islamic fundamentalism getting a real hold in Egypt. The Muslim Brotherhood is presenting a nice face but they firmly believe in implementing sharia law when they are elected. Their stated aim is to restore islam "from Spain to Indonesia". Aside from the political issues, which when I worked in the city would be causing all kinds of volatility, I suppose the other issue that no one seems to have noticed is how the major corporations, especially in the US have decided its better to give money to stockholders than employ people. it seems the American dream is finally over.

The visit from my parents went quite well, it seems strange that my father doesn't change in appearance but my mother is definitely aging, she can tell it as well and is most unhappy. As usual they grilled me about my health but they seem surprisingly cool about it, mind you my doctor is the same, she says you look really healthy but I know how unwell you are. Still, the stalker is always there to ensure I suffer. she caught me drinking and we had an argument in which she said you did two things wrong you drank too much and you lied about it so I don't think we can continue our relationship - I won't talk to you for a while, maybe a month or so. Give her credit she lasted four days before phoning me.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Blue Moon - The Elvis version, Billie Holliday sings it too fast for me. Elvis sounds like a guy who just broke up with his first girlfriend. All guys know what I am talking about.

San Marco - I have become rather obsessed with this track from Rondo Veneziano. Its kind of like pop classical music but I am just drawn to it. Not sure why, I have only been to Venice once but loved it. Perhaps a doomed city reminds me of my own situation.

You Are Everything - Marvin and Diana Ross, two motown superstars. I listen to this song quite often and it always reminds me of the Lunatic. "I just can't go on living life as I do, comparing each girl to you - when they just won't do". You know I feel these kind of emotions, I am sure I do I just have difficulty expressing my emotions. It saddens me that The Stalker and I will split up or one of us will die without her ever knowing how i really feel about her.

Michael Caine - I am not really a fan of Madness, which seems to be quite a London phenomena. This song is one of their better ones, to me it sounds like a study in obsession. I have little personal experience with really strong emotions, I just sort of drift through life, just occasionally getting caught up in extreme turbulence, with the Lunatic or The Stalker for example. My parents say its because everything came so easy to me I never really felt like trying.

I Quit - Not many people know this song by Hepburn. This shouldn't really be a song for me but perhaps for the Stalker. "There was a time when I would go walking backwards around the world, if you said your mine and I'd run blindfolded down the Kings Road if you would just arrive on time". Loving me isn't easy and I don't know why a girl who is used to so much better can't let me go.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Alcohol Imperative

2011-01-28T01:57:00.002Z

Today's P&L: -240.00 GBP

Today's Booze: 6 pints of Kronenbourg 1664, 6 double Vodkas

Today's Soundtrack: Music to Wring Your Hands To

I was caught out badly by the decision from S&P to lower the rating of Japan. I managed to recover most of the damage, but like many others I question the timing. Why was this done at the London open, also there was some dodgy currency trades prior to the announcement. If you were a rating agency who would you downgrade Japan or the UK or the US? I also have taken some heavy losses on gold futures recently, which I find difficult to understand. In an environment where the governments have lost the ability to control interest rates and inflation is steadily increasing Gold is the perfect asset to hold.

The Stalker has been driving me crazy. She clearly knows me too well and is turning up unexpectedly. She has recently started showing me the sort of intense affection she did when we first met all those years ago. It is nice but I am uncomfortable with such intimacy. The closer she tries to get, the more I withdraw. She asked me if I thought I was going to survive the year and I said, honestly, I am not sure but it doesn't look great. Her reply was "well, you better make me pregnant soon then". I never thought I would be worrying about dying before my child was born. Aside from that my health is quite good. I got my scans back for my knees and it seems I have virtually no cartilage in my knees any more. So that explains why sitting down hurts so much.

I have to decide if I am going to fast before Easter, I haven't done it since I was ten and to be honest I doubt I have the will power, I would only be able to do the bread and water one. I know my doctor would advise against it, but I might give it a try Ash Wednesday is March the ninth this year so If I am going to attempt it, I'll be sure to have a fat Tuesday to remember.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Wuthering Hights - After leaving a few messages at Bridgets blog, Tea and Digestives, I realised how much I love the music of Kate Bush. This is still my favourite because of the huge amount of passion she sings it with. Why I find it difficult to express my own feelings is another matter. The Stalker says I am lost in the universe.

Killing Me Softly - I much prefer the Fugees version to the Roberta Flack original. We have all had that feeling, when listening to a piece of music when we think - this could have been written about me, that's what I think this song is all about.

Your Still The One - Whatever happened to Shania Twain, she used to be everywhere. This is a real girls song, I remember it because there was a band in the city I lived with the Lunatic that sang this every night we were there. I had never heard the song before then but liked it a lot, there was that an some song called eternal triangle, which I think was sung by some Indonesian.

Cambodia - Kim Wilde singing a song with political overtones in the early eighties - who would have thunk it. I have been to Cambodia several times, its a sad country you only have to look around for the people who are missing a whole generation effectively wiped out, so much for atheism.

I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole always seems so unhappy about something, I suppose many women are with men like me who are reluctant to commit. I don't know if its my natural self destructiveness or my belief that I am never really going to die that make it hard for me. It is contradictory because the doctors are not exactly hopeful and yet, I still keep going.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Is That It ???

2011-01-07T09:14:00.005Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 0.00

Yesterdays Booze: A Lot

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Music To stomp your feet to

No work yesterday, just had to see another doctor in a place called Reading, (no offence, but it looks like someone built a town in the middle of a large industrial estate).

So it was my birthday, I am an old man now, forty one - screw you to the people who said I'll never make it past twenty seven, except my mum and dad - seems ungrateful saying screw you to your parents on your birthday. So now I am in my forties, I have to ask - what next? A mid-life crisis seems sort of redundant for me, I have been having one of those since I was twelve. I am in rather uncharted territory, as mentioned absolutely nobody expected me to make it this far, but with a few exceptions I am from a rather conventional family. Both my brothers and all my cousins have got married and had children, it was clearly what was expected from me as well and once again I have proven to be something of a disappointment. In fact I feel even more detached and distant than ever before. My father called me when I eventually got home last night to wish me Happy Birthday - He was in Brazil when I was born. He and my Mother and Uncle had all been out in Spain celebrating my birthday, (its also a pretty big day in Spain, being the Epiphany). I asked him, you all went out without me and he replied, "of course. We always celebrate your birthday and your never with us". For the record I haven't been at home on my birthday since I was fourteen. It was typical for me also, spending my time in strange pubs and bars talking to people I don't know - still flirted heavily with three women, including one extremely exotic Indian girl. The Stalker wasn't around, which I am glad about as she managed to screw up Christmas and New Year for me. No doubt she will guess I have been drinking and give me a hard time for it later. She clearly has decided that as she has invested so much of her time and energy in me - I better produce results and quickly. It's kind of like going out with a tougher, female version of the drill instructor from the movie, "An Officer And A Gentleman".

So what have I learned over this year? Nothing, I guess. If I am honest I feel even more isolated than I did this time last year. I am aware that only I can improve my life and that I keep on making the same mistakes but I seem to have adopted the attitude that sayings like that are as serious as the rules on a swimming pool wall, (you know; no petting, no water bombing, etc). Compared to me, the Stalker is a virtual self-help book. Actually, often talking to her does feel like some Tony Robbins, conference at times. I imagine its because due to her medical problems she approaches life with an urgency, I just can't seem to muster. Deep down I still don't believe I am going to die. Anyway - that was it for another year, Like the Stones I keep on rolling and am once again planning a world tour. I don't make New Years resolutions, but this year, which maybe my last, (just, like for all of us), I have plans to shake this semi-comatose life style, Its about time I did something rather than be "full of promise". No one should still be full of undiscovered promise at forty one.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Street Fighting Man - From the fantastic Beggars Banquet record. Long before the Stones were the biggest corporate entertainment the world has ever seen. Even a true believer like me is beginning to wonder just how contrived Keith is. At least Jagger is fairly obvious in his naked ambition and greed. Still a great band and still one I would buy tickets to see but I wonder when you exchange the fire and vitriol for packaged excess? The Rolling Stones are who U2 want to be when they grow up.

Wonderwall - I was never an Oasis fan, in fact the whole Britpop scene passed me by, as you can tell from my blog, I live far too much in the past. The first time I heard this song was in a bar in London, after a heavy night. It was about ten in the morning and only the hardcore drunks were fuelling their addiction. There were some drunks out in the street, and I remember thinking that apart from the glass window separating the bums in the street from me in the pub, there wasn't much difference between us. The next time I heard it was in a bar in Bow Lane on a busy winter evening when the packed bar spontaneously started singing along.

I Might Have Been Queen - What is it about Tina?. Maybe its her stage presence and her serious voice, maybe its because she finally decided, "Hey Ike touch me one more time and I'll fuck you up". Who Knows? This song is from Private Dancer one of my all time favourite albums. The meaning is quite feminine I guess, I am sure the Stalker would have more understanding than me. Maybe not, The Stalker is from a very rich family, this seems to be more about someone breaking out of the poor life and reinventing themselves - Far more my territory.

True Faith - Everyone talks about Blue Monday, but this is the best New Order track. I don't have much to say about this song, I just feel it applies to me in a way that I don't really understand.

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who at their very best. I love this song, but can't help feeling that The Who are a band that can't quite be captured in recordings. The Original Who should have been seen live. It isn't just the extraordinary musicianship and the crushing volume, but more the simmering tension of the band members. This song reminds me of Indonesia in Ninety Seven, a time and place I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about. I also feel the same about one of my favourite books, "A Tale Of Two Cities", for some reason it reminds me of Indo in ninety seven.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Was it Worth It?

2010-12-11T19:55:00.005Z

Today's P&L: 0.00 GBP

Today's Booze: 6 pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Today's Soundtrack: Music to burn flags to

Bernanke was in the news saying that more quantative easing may be the answer to the stubborn jobless situation in the US. He assured us all that providing further liquidity isn't the same as printing money - So that is a buy signal for gold then. If the US wants to employ more people it has to restart industry there is no real alternative. It should make for a boost in the DOW30 and S&P500 though. The market perception is that this money will feed through into the economy, unlike the earlier program. It is rubbish, of course. The plan is for the US to buy six hundred billion dollars of government bills from the banking sector which should encourage economic activity. This will increase stock and commodity prices. Of course it will increase inflationary pressures. So that's the solution to the US economy. Issue debt sell it to banks and then in order to protect the banks purchase the paper back from the banks and how does the US government pay for the debt it buys, by issuing more debt. The global economy is becoming more like a very dangerous game of pass the parcel.

I was looking at the pictures of the Princess on her facebook page the other day. Her wedding looks like quite the high dollar event. Made the Thai newspapers and was held at the Oriental, probably one of the most expensive places in Asia to get married. she looked fantastic of course but I can't help feeling how much better it would have been if she had married me - I would have lowered the tone somewhat. Not that I am especially low class. Just, there would be no way I would get married sober. I doubt that many of my friends would have fitted in, just a couple of them but I would have had to invite them anyway. I imagine she knew all along that we wouldn't get married, even though we were engaged. In her social group it is customary for the the man to give a dowry to the brides father, the number she indicated to me was rather daunting even though I was quite wealthy then. She told me not to worry, what would happen is that her guardian would give the money to her and that she would give it back to me - even so. The Princess was such a nice and even tempered girl, I can count the times I upset her on one hand, I made her cry a few more times but that was mainly because of injuries I started picking up. Before then I had always been in top condition. I don't think we would have been happy married though. She didn't drink and was such a girly girl whereas the women I had more intense relationships with were far more similar to me, unreasonable, jealous, angry and just a little out of control. Most of my girlfriends have been far too good for me, but the Princess was probably the one who compromised herself most by being with me.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Rock The Casbah - One of my favourite Clash songs along with London Calling. Seventies punks dissect middle-eastern politics, well they couldn't do a worse job than Tony Blair.

Games Without Frontiers - I was just a child when this song hit the charts but it was still significant, even back then I was aware of the ebbs and flows of politics. My parents had taken me to a few third world countries.

The Lebanon - What can I say, I am an eighties boy and I have always loved The Human League, Beirut is one of those places I have never been, (I tend to avoid the middle east in general - better for them, better for me), but this is a great song about a tragic situation. I used to work with a woman who had worked for an American bank in Beirut and she told me lots of stories about the missile attacks and the bomb shelters in the basement.

Going Underground - The Jam. This band were a key part of my youth in the late seventies/early eighties. Paul Weller may be a bit of a twat and I have heard he is quite difficult to work with but he writes some damn good songs. "I turn in the news and my body froze, The braying sheep on my TV screen, Make this boy shout, make this boy scream, Going Underground, I'm going underground"

Living In This Town - "Why throw a dollar to a hungry man" Havana 3am should have been a great band but Paul Simonen is, if anything inconsistent, think he is a painter now. In Seventies UK he was one of the coolest people on the planet

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Stalker And I

2010-11-28T00:01:00.003Z

Today's P&L: No markets today

Today's Booze: 2 pints of lager, 3 large glasses of red wine

Today's Soundtrack: Music to remember your past to

If any one's interested, I feel like talking about my relationship with the Stalker today. I don't really remember the date I met her although she remembers of course. It was about twenty years ago I guess, around about this time of year, in fact it was a freezing evening and the place was somewhere between Oxford Street and Regent Street. I was drinking a quad Rum and I met her relative, A very sexy but seriously out of control woman. I shared a few drinks with her while she sized me up and decided I wasn't for her but would be suitable for the Stalker. She disappeared for a while and the barman, some Italian guy who clearly thought too much of himself, laughed at me and said she won't come back. I didn't mind as my intention was drinking. However the girl did return with The Stalker. And that's where our relationship began.

The Stalker wasn't like any other woman I had met before. She is the oldest of eleven children and naturally quite assertive. I didn't have any idea how rich she was as true to my character I didn't really ask her too much about her background although in retrospect I should have wondered how come she spent so much money on restaurants and holidays. We had a lot of fun though, back then she used to be fun. She also wasn't easy, she had made some promise to her father that she wouldn't have sex until she was twenty one, so I had to wait but it was worth it. The problem was I treated our relationship like all the other ones I had been in while she was a little more serious. I still remember when she decided enough was enough and she came to my house. She said to me the usual break up bollocks. I hadn't seen it coming, so was somewhat surprised But I still remember saying to her just before she walked out. "fancy having one last fuck for old times sake" - not exactly Clark Gable. Anyway she just walked out and I didn't see her again for nearly five years. Apart from one brief encounter in sometime around ninety four, I guess that was her last fling before getting married.

That next time I saw her I had been in Indonesia and following the riots and the near civil war left the Lunatic behind, I like to spread the disappointment. Actually it wasn't so bad, I did offer the Lunatic the chance to escape with me but it was never going to happen her family had lots of money and had a plane to fly them to Singapore. I went out for a drink or two with the Stalker in the West End, By then I had not worked for some time but managed to get some consultancy work. I never heard from the Stalker again But The Lunatic used to phone me for about three hours almost every night.

Anyway, I made a bit of money and decided to go back to visit the Lunatic. It was one of those dramatic fly by night gestures that I am inclined to make. I arranged to finish my contract and flew from New York to Bangkok then down to Singapore and then Indonesia, it was her birthday so it seemed like the right thing to do although it cost me plenty of money. Anyway this isn't about the Lunatic, that story has a post all of its own. After a few years and a couple of major injuries The Lunatic and I finally separated permanently. Anyway I then managed to get some more consultancy work in London and that's where I met the Princess. The Princess is unusual in my history of women by being ten years younger than me. She was studying in London and working in a restaurant I visited three or four times a week. She knew I was going back to live in Bangkok but as usual I didn't ask a great deal about her background. Turned out she was quite the society girl and surprise, surprise I am not the ideal son in law. Anyway, her and I had a reasonable relationship for a few years until I got injured quite severely. Initially I thought I would get my legs fixed and be back in a few months so I paid for my apartment for another year. My injuries were much worse and after a while she moved to Tokyo and found someone else.

The end of the story is after my brother urged me to open a facebook account so I could maintain contact with him. The Stalker came across my name, and got in touch with me. At first I didn't think it was her, but after a while we arranged to meet on my birthday. I didn't turn up as I thought she wasn't serious, and after all those years and I knew she had been married, so she tried again and we met up at Waterloo Station. It is so odd seeing someone you know so well after so many years. After all that time we were both the same, she and I flirted a little and spoke as if we were two caged animals circling each other. Of course things have changed, Don't they always? She and I have both experienced so much in our time apart. And we are both so screwed up. The funny thing is to me, even though she can see how broken down I am, to me she looks almost exactly the same as she did when she was twenty. The only difference is the look in her eyes, she has been told she was dying twice, three times for me so I am the winner there. The difference between her and I is that she always fights, but I am just tired of it all.

Its quite funny, even after all these years and in our reduced circumstances, we still get along at least some of the time. I know she hates me but that's healthy enough, I can't stand all this we are not just husband and wife but best friends crap. We don't need to be best friends, and it really is better that way. She has a whole other life with her friends, they do and talk about things I am less than interested in. So she met up with me after I had seen the doctor. For once it was good news, unexpectedly she said my blood levels had almost returned to normal, just clotting remains an issue. My knee is fucked but she gave me an x-ray appointment for that. I am not so worried about broken bones, that's a pain I am used to. The Stalker looked great when she turned up. She rarely wears make-up when meeting me But she had been out with some friends and she looked fantastic. I was talking to three girls when she arrived but she wasn't too bothered, she knows I don't go for blondes anyway. Anyway we went and got something to eat and had a good night, so much so she returned two days later for a rematch. I still love it when she tells me how much she hates me, don't know what she gets out of it. In an interlude she told me that so far every member of my family that she has met has warned her about me and my father even described me as a liability - Bastard!

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Missing You - John Waite. A great song for us eighties boys. "I spend my time thinking about you, and its almost driving me wild". This song is about every ended relationship. When I was young I used to pretend it didn't matter to me when I stopped seeing a girl. Nowadays I really don't give a fuck, but how come the major relationships I have had keep coming back to haunt me?

I Drove All Night - Have you ever done it? Have you ever travelled a distance to tell a girl how you felt. Doesn't matter if she lives across town or in another continent. There is this feeling you get when you do it, like hey, I am putting it on the line, taking control of my situation. Doesn't matter if you get there and she isn't interested. Every man should risk looking stupid to express his feelings at least once in his life.

I Would Die 4 U - Prince never got better than on Purple Rain and 1999 if you ask me, although Sign 'o' The Times was good. This is a song about loving someone too much, but how much is too much? Good rule of thumb is if she takes out a restraining order, it's too much.

If You Were Here Tonight - The Italian loved this song by Alexander O'Neal. Nothing works out the way you plan it in my dysfunctional world. I guess if I am honest, I would have liked things to be different but I can't really see how things would have worked out if I had been more conventional.

Always On My Mind - "Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could, Little things I could have said and did - but I never took the time". This song kind of sums up all my relationships with women.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

My Life As A Dog

2010-11-23T12:48:00.006Z

Today's P&L: Still out of the markets today

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of Stolichyna vodka

Today's Soundtrack: Music to chase bones to

So Ireland took the bail out, what a surprise, it couldn't be any other way. Initially there was some misguided strength on the Euro, but the market attention has switched to Spain already. With the yield rising to two point four percent over Bunds. That means that you receive two and a half percent interest over German bonds if you buy Spanish, of course because bond yields are inverse to prices an increase in yield means a decrease in price. It's nothing heavy yet, Ireland was up to at least eight percent over Bunds before the bail out but this is how it always starts so start preparing for a bail out for Spain. Europe can not afford this but sentiment is building and, much in the same way as if you live by the sword you die by it, if you depend on foreign investment to keep your economies alive you die when it is withdrawn. Spain has a huge potential market in South America and a exceptionally high academic standards but with twenty percent unemployment? The Euro seems to me like a dead duck. I was working at Bank of America on its official launch and doubted it then , many of my colleagues said "you will die before the Euro does", which seemed likely but I now firmly believe the Euro, as it is now, will split up before I die.

Didn't need to book an appointment to see the doctor, instead I received a request from her. Its never a good sign when they write "we need to talk to you" and put need in bold. If that wasn't bad enough the Stalker wants to meet me directly afterwards - how much good news in one day can a guy take? I know what the Stalker is going to say. She has a bulldozer approach to our relationship and just tends to ignore any small roadblocks like my objections, this comes because she genuinely believes she knows what is best for me. The first time we were together she was very inexperienced and in the intervening twenty years or so, by all accounts she has had one serious relationship but I imagine she was very much in control of him. So while I can no longer boss her around, she finds it very hard to bully me although that doesn't stop her trying. She was always a bit fiery but its got worse. We seem to spend all our time either hating each other or having sex, time in between is like one of those uncomfortable silences. Still if it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Dirty Old Town - The Pogues rather than Rod. "I met my love, by the gas work walls". Every time I used to come to London, the first thing I used to do was to find a Thameside pub and get a drink. Not at Windsor or Richmond, down by Greenwich or further, near Woolwich, where it isn't beautiful. I always travel light so it was no hardship.

Hounds Of Love - I guess, I have a thing about Kate Bush, she lives very near where I am now but you never see her. She is a bit of a recluse so my images of her are all from videos and record covers. Her picture on the front of The Dreaming appeals to me hugely. I have written about this song in the past, to me it is all about fear and taking your chances. It could be about love or it could be about work but life is all about chances. I am no guru but I have learned about missed opportunities. Now all I have to do is learn the other things that make me a regular person.

Move To Memphis - A-ha, Memorial Beach was an unloved record, but I rather liked it. This was my favourite song. To me its all about striking out on your own, leaving the past behind. When I left home it was a choice but before that, up until I was thirteen I had a safe normal life, then there was a few years of being put in situations I had no control over. That may explain a lot of my questionable decisions since then. Memphis, may not sound exotic to most people but to me, maybe its the Elvis connection, its a journey, Elvis was at his most credible in Memphis, before the bloat of Hollywood and Vegas. We all have our own Memphis. It's after that we lose our way.

Wishing I Was Lucky - Wet Wet Wet, not sure if they had any success overseas. Their debut album was great, despite the singers annoying grin, (mind you, if you have good teeth in Glasgow - you show them off). This song was very popular with people of my age who desired to work in the city - the lyrics were painfully obvious. Getting a job means entering the real world. I was on a very limited time scale when I got my first job, in fact if I had two more weeks without work, I would have been on the streets and the small room I was renting wasn't much better. Since then I been in a similar situation twice. Before all the security checks a good tip, if you were really in a bad way and had flown enough you could get a first or business class ticket at Heathrow, hit the lounge, eat, sleep, get some booze and have a shower and as long as you cancelled a half hour before the flight left, get out. I know that sounds dishonest but sometimes you have to do what you have to do and its better than sleeping in a public toilet or on the Heathrow tube. Anyway the ticket always goes on standby, so its best to use London to New York.

Sunshine - By Gabrielle, another song I keep coming back to. OK, this song shows appreciation for another person. Something I have never been able to bring myself to do. Its a great song though, worth listening to any time you feel down, Guess it would be nice to have that kind of support. I never really experienced that, it seems my whole life has been about my not fulfilling my potential or letting others down. Nowadays, I rarely seek recognition from other people.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Bear Necessities

2010-11-15T22:35:00.006Z

Today's P&L: Out of the markets today

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of Morgan Spiced Rum

Today's Soundtrack: Music to wish your life away to

Didn't trade today, I am waiting to see what happens with the Irish debt situation. It's clear that the Euro elite are not too concerned about what happens to the Irish but they are worried about contagion. If Ireland defaults instead of taking aid then it is Portugal and Spain next. The markets in America, which set the tone for Asia and Europe, went nowhere although the dollar firmed as the rating agencies blustered that debt and deficits in the US won't affect its AAA rating. They would say that as a downgrade would have serious implications on their business.

There was some program on the television the other night that said that the amount of the UK economy that is public sector is now fifty four percent against forty six percent private. In, nominally communist, China the percentage of the economy under public control is about twenty seven percent. It is impossible to run a sustainable, dynamic economy with so much government interference.

I still haven't heard from the Stalker, guess she finally took my advice and found someone better for herself. I can't be too glum about it, I am not exactly good boyfriend material. I'll probably make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow against my better instincts. I pretty much know there isn't much that can be done with my dodgy joints but I can at least find out if there are any pain killers I can take that won't affect my liver. I suppose I am just going to have to accept that I must be more careful and not keep throwing myself around.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

Communique - Always love a bit of Dire Straits. "Maybe he could talk about the tricks of the trade, Maybe he could talk about himself, Maybe he could talk about the money that he made, Maybe he'd be saying something else". I always thought I was pretty good at communicating with people, maybe not. Mind you who is really interested in listening to other people these days. So many voices trying to get heard, so many people who have something to say. No wonder people blot it all out.

The End Of The Innocence - Don Henley maybe a bit preachy, but he has written some really good music. I know this song has a lot of social and political commentary specific to America, but the sentiment is universal. I guess these is a point for all of us when we no longer believe in utopia.

You Might Need Somebody - I always have time for Randy Crawford as well. This song is so nice, even though I enjoy being alone, well y'know, maybe I will need someone some day.

Emily - Hot Chocolate, was a big UK seventies soul band, like ABBA they have long been regarded as a bit of a joke, despite some slick song writing and some smooth vocals. I blame the movie industry, this band will be forever linked with the film "The Full Monty". Emily is a song about a woman who dreamed of being a star and when she realised it was never going to happen committed suicide. There is one part in this song where he sings something about when she was at school and said she would be a movie star nobody laughed. I was a bit like that at school I remember dating this hot Indian girl in the year above me in the sixth form and asking her what she would do when she left school, she said what about you and I just said "My band will be famous by then" and she acted like I had just said I would get a job in a shop and said yes, I know.

No More Lonely Nights - Paul McCartney is an interesting character to me. He is so kitsch, but most of my favourite Beatles songs have him stamped all over them, especially Eleanor Rigby and Penny Lane. At the same time he is always associated with Lennon, (I mean he did some good stuff afterwards but the Beatles are kind of a hard act to top). He has developed this knack of appearing like the cheeky scouser you might bump into down the pub but there is no doubt he is a seriously assertive and private star. I remember having a conversation with someone who had met him and he said Paul has a very carefully crafted image but he is relentless in business and a lot tougher than you would think. No more lonely nights is a song, to me, about love with someone you shouldn't love.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Who's Going To Pay Attention To Your Dream

2010-11-11T20:04:00.009Z

Today's P&L: GBP 90.00

Today's Booze: 1 litre of Smirnoff Red Vodka

Today's Soundtrack: Music to miss people to

Little trading done today, I know I am out of the loop somehow, so its best to stay out of the game until I can gain a firmer understanding although that goes against my reckless instincts. Ireland looks like it is going to have to call in the IMF, which by all reasoning should have a negative impact on the Euro, however the relentless supply of money in America is continuing to put the dollar under pressure. These markets are very thin just now and a huge downturn feels like it could happen any time but, having said that, we are now in the Christmas run up and people are reluctant to trade. It is almost inconceivable to me that a European nation like Ireland would be so close to default and the markets are failing to react. For Ireland it is just the end of an lucky ride they made the most of while it lasted, but going from three or four percent unemployment to nineteen percent in eighteen months must be devastating to any economy. The Irish will survive, U2 will eventually complete their skyscraper in Dublin but their plight shows an inherent weakness, not only in the ill-conceived Euro but in the global financial system. Nobody, including me, seems to have the answer.

I am feeling a little down right now - not sure why, I have hurt my knee quite badly and probably need surgery on it, but I shan't go to the hospital unless absolutely necessary. If they need to operate, it means at least a ten day stay. If its on my legs it usually ends up around a month. The stalker is staying clear just now - maybe because I am broke and she just cleared a million pounds on the sale of her Notting Hill flat. Don't know why she thinks it means anything to me, I have never asked her for money once in our troubled relationships, In fact when I first went out with her I didn't even know she was wealthy. I don't know why this gloom is surrounding me right now, I just feel something bad is going to happen to me. I was thinking about how I ended up like this the other night, its not as if I planned it in fact I never planned anything in my life. My biggest problem has always been lack of urgency, I never felt that I had to try too hard or rush anything. It always seemed that there would be more time. Now, all of a sudden it seems time is running out and every second seems like an unbearable loss. It doesn't help that my brother and his family are moving further away from London, I rarely see him as it is. Everyone who knows us thinks we are joined at the hip but over the last fifteen years, I have seen him about twenty times. We are close though. I have another brother as well but I never see him, we are not friends.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

True Colours - Cyndi Lauper is quite an underrated performer. This song is very simple and very beautiful. I guess this song is about showing your emotions, something that has never been that easy for me, (which is why I kind of use this blog as a place to show my feelings).

The Crying Game - Doesn't matter if it's Brenda Lee of Boy George, this is a great song. It is quite melancholic, but then again unrequited love usually is. I suppose I have been with lots of women who wanted me to be more serious with them, but maybe its just not in my character. Anyway, from the few I have heard from post relationship, they have all done just fine without me.

Echo Beach - I was listening a lot to the Gabriella Cilme version but, it can't match the original Martha and the Muffins song. I was wondering why the original low budget version with its cheap production sounded so much better. I think the remake is too much in your face, too upfront. The original has a sense of distance which fits in with the songs theme of longing - wishing you were in a better place. This is one of those songs that I have to listen to on a fairly regular basis, if I don't I just feel bad and I am not sure why.

I Can't Stand The Rain - I love the sequences running through this song, reminds me of how beautiful the rain is, When I lived in Bangkok and Indonesia I used to love it when it rained, it seemed like the city was clean for just a while. The road outside my apartment in Thailand always flooded to at least waist height and the young Thai kids would laugh at me trying to get home but also trying to avoid the flooded sewers. Tropical rainstorms are so much like life, no point trying to shield yourself from the rain, you are going to get drenched no matter what.

Lay Your Hands On Me - The Thompson Twins, I must have been about fourteen when this came out, I guess its about a guy finding salvation from his lover. For me it is a song about how weary life gets, that whole "when it almost seems too much" thing. Maybe its just because I'm feeling down, but hey, its not like I haven't been here before. I have done that whole gun against the head thing late at night.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Communication Breakdown

2010-11-06T13:32:00.007Z

Fridays P&L: GBP -130.00

Fridays Booze: 2 litres of Dry Cider, 1 litre of Stolichnaya Vodka

Fridays Soundtrack: Music to burn bridges to

The stock markets loved the Fed's plan to purchase all those securities, OK the dollar took a dive but Bernanke clearly wants to inflate away US debt so that's fine, personally I think in a post-industrial economy a strong currency is a benefit. Anyway analysts and traders are already talking about quantitative easing three! Its probably easier to view the American economy as a patient in a coma on life support in a rather fancy hospital paid for by the Chinese - how much longer do they continue to foot the bill before telling the doctor to switch off life support? The UK has its own problems which seem equally insurmountable. The inept coalition seems clueless as to what to do. but in a way that's strangely comforting. Britain has a long tradition of, frankly, useless politicians. As a former banker I suppose its no surprise that I don't blame the finance industry for the current situation, although the eventual levels of greed were shocking even to me. Top level traders began to view themselves and were compensated like superstar athletes. It should be recognized, though, that all traders signed contracts which detail pay quite specifically. Anyway there are or at least should be plenty of regulators, both in-house and externally to have stopped the wilder excesses. If any ones interested I blame Greenspan and Bernanke and Summers as the primary cause. They can claim they were not responsible for the attitude of excess, but the loose monetary policy directly caused this.

I knew it was a bad idea to reply to the Lunatic ex, She asked me a few questions that were worded in her usual nonchalant manner. So I replied in what I thought was the run of a normal conversation. Clearly I didn't give her the right answer when she asked if I thought we would ever see each other again. I then got a few rather threatening emails for my trouble. At least for once, I wasn't dumb enough to give her any contact details or my phone number and she is on the other side of the world. Unfortunately the Stalker has some business to take care of in Jakarta and will be going there in the very near future, which is far too close for my liking. If I had my way I wouldn't have these two women in the same hemisphere.

Yesterday's music, my top five tracks:

I Was Right And You Were Wrong - Good old Deacon Blue. I am the kind of person who has to say I was right to women, even if I know I am wrong.

Play Dead - Still my favourite song from Bjork, not exactly a feel-good song.

It Doesn't Matter - Alison Krauss, This is quite a simple song but full of emotion. The singer has a great voice. When I hear this song I think of the Italian girl and some very specific regrets, even though it was recorded long after I knew her.

Fuck It - I used to drink in this seriously dodgy bar in Bangkok, the girls at the bar loved this song. I don't think they really understood what perspective the song was from but they certainly appreciated the sentiment. I love drinking in sleazy bars, which the Stalker has always found infuriating. It isn't the available women, its been a long time since that was a novelty to me. I have a soft spot for hookers, after all, who doesn't like a bruised angel. I admire their resilience, its not something I would do for a living but I am not qualified to judge anyone.

Don't Talk Old To Me - Who would have thought that Alice Cooper would become so establishment? This is a song from his wilderness years in the eighties, but Alice still has his sneer. It's an anti establishment, anti growing-up song, so I love it.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Diamond Dogs

2010-11-04T21:35:00.003Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -90.00

Yesterdays Booze: 1 bottle of Smirnoff, 1 bottle of Australian red wine

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Music to watch cars go by

So the American mid-term elections were a little unkind to Obama. What is his approval rating now forty percent? Less? I am not sure what people expected of him but it is clear that the problems affecting America are far more significant than he and his team are equipped to deal with. The Fed surprised nobody by announcing plans to purchase up to six hundred billion in US securities to try and lower borrowing costs or, more likely, to stimulate inflation. Meanwhile analysts speculated that the flotation of GM may result in a billion dollar loss for the US government and in addition GM stands to benefit from a tax break of up to forty five billion dollars. Of course it is unlikely to protect GM from future competition. America, unless it declares a one hundred percent import tax on cars will have to accept its days as the industrial superpower are over. The mantra for American politicians has been that America continues to reinvent itself and becomes the leader in new industries. I suppose a good example is Solyndra, a US based manufacturer of solar panels that benefited from a half a billion dollars in loan guarantees following a visit from Obama has decided to freeze hiring in the US and shutter one of its existing factories to open a new production facility in Wuhan, China.

Seems to me America has so many of the problems that UK industry experienced, primarily financiers coming up with unsound expansion plans, consultants coming up with bizarre procedural changes in order to justify their fees and top heavy administration. My father has a good example of the later when the shipping company he worked for finally bit the dust. He remembers going to the company Head office as his was the last container ship and seeing a few weeping staff in the human resources department. The HR department had previously made almost all his colleagues redundant and given the advice to brighten up and look for new opportunities. My father asked what the problem was and one girl told him they had all been made redundant. He said of course. What do you mean a few of the staff said and my father replied well you are the personnel department, correct? why did you think you would be needed when you just spent the last five years getting rid of all the personnel?

Anyway as expected the additional funds pumped into the market had the anticipated effect and the stock markets soared. Doesn't anyone think things through? Quantitative easing is likely to be viewed retrospectively as one of the biggest mistakes ever. But as long as we avoid addressing the real problems now. It may seem that I am picking on the Americans but it isn't the case. At the end of every shift in power there is a period of immense hardship. I can't think of a seamless shift, I don't see why the decline of America should be any different.

The stalker is off to Switzerland for more medical treatment. Not sure what they do to her in these places, she told me she doesn't get chemo anymore but some stem cell thing. It's quite experimental and not offered by the NHS but they are very interested in the results. I am sure she will be ok - she is pretty tough. Still every time she comes back she looks a little drained. I understand why she hates my nihilistic attitude but she always knew what I was like. Maybe she still remembers me from the first time we went out together, but I was very immature then. I was even a little optimistic. I am not sure why she can't stay away from me. At this point, I have nothing to offer her. The sex is good but that's about it. We have a few things in common, but not enough to justify her overwhelming interest in me.

Yesterday's music, my top five tracks:

True Faith - I remember the first time I heard this song, in a dodgy club in Woolwich. I love the nihilism of the song, but it doesn't sound like a despondent song. The driving beat makes it sound quite upbeat. but the lyrics tell a different story, "My morning sun is the drug that brings me near To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear I used to think the day would never come, that my life would depend on the morning sun".

Old Red Wine - Quite a reflective song. The Who are like wine, the best stuff was made years ago but tastes good even now. Life is kind of like that, you make your fun in the sun and then you end up bottled and corked.

Suburbia - The Pet Shop Boys, these guys were huge when I was a kid. Suburbia is a song about those boring places that aren't the city and aren't the country. The outskirts of London are full of them. One of the greatest cities in the world, but one time when I was in hospital I was talking to a guy about nineteen in the next bed and he had never been into London, (this was about forty minutes by train from Paddington). So many people are just comfortable with what they know.

I Just Don't Know what To Do - Dusty Springfield was a great singer, to me her voice is always tinged with sadness - I get the impression she was rarely happy.

Blue Moon - The Elvis version, OK his voice was swimming in reverb but it's still Elvis. Saw the movie, Nowhere Boy about John Lennon, I loved the bit when he was in the cinema and sat bolt upright watching Elvis at work.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

I Told You I loved You, Now Get Out

2010-10-05T16:36:00.010+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 410.00

Yesterdays Booze: 6 pints of Stella Artois

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Various

These markets are still driving me nuts. The US inflation data just came out following some worse than expected jobs data. Producer Inflation is up to four percent, this will inevitably have an impact on consumer inflation. While all inflation data is the US and UK is rigged the basic numbers don't add up. If inflation is so much higher than interest paid on fixed income bonds and bank accounts, investors real wealth is declining. No wonder the dollar is taking a pounding, (Australian dollar / US dollar parity is a sure thing now). The US finally has painted itself into a corner, it can only fund itself by issuing more debt which lowers the yield on existing debt or by raising interest rates and taxation, which they know will push the economy back into recession as its current anaemic growth is based on huge amounts of economic stimulus. I have always thought that the solution to the financial crisis, which to be fair was the only possible solution because of how late the regulators had waited, was only delaying a later, more severe, economic crash. I hope I am wrong.

The stalker continues to give me a hard time. For someone who thinks I am a dead beat she spends a lot of time on the phone to me. I think I have entered that horrible place no man ever wants to be where she has adopted me as some kind of project. As a rule I am not interested in married women but I can definitely see the benefits of having a relationship with a woman who has a serious partner and can only spare the time to see me for a couple of hours a week.
I was watching a tv show on BBC the other day about Scottish lesbians. Now, I don't have any gay friends as far as I know so I am quite uninformed, however this show was entertaining enough for me to suspect that perhaps its target audience wasn't the lesbian community. It was a bit like the American lesbian show and at least left me with an improved understanding of the sapphic community. The three most important points I learned are; firstly all lesbians are attractive, secondly all lesbians have great jobs. They are either international photographers, architects, renown designers or models - apparently lesbians do not work at supermarket check outs or as low level clerical assistants. Lastly lesbians are always ready for sex, no matter where. While some straight girls maybe too uptight to act on their impulses, all lesbians are happy to have sex in the nearest public toilet or broom cupboard or morgue at the drop of a hat.

Yesterday's music was quite varied, my top five tracks:

Out Of Touch - It's years since I last listened to Hall and Oates, I used to be quite a fan back in the eighties even saw them in concert once. This song reminds me of the eighties so much, in fact I was listening to it on my trusty walkman while I was waiting for my first date with the Italian girl. It seems so funny now, worrying about schoolwork, going for long walks on dates. Going to a bar and only having three or four drinks, her friends telling her that she could do much better, older guys with cars making a pass at your girlfriend. Mind you even then I was drinking too much.

It Was A Very Good Year - Good ol' Frankie. "When I was seventeen, it was a very good year, it was a very good year for small town girls and soft summer nights". A song about growing up, obviously. All Sinatra songs seem to have this bitter sweet flavour to them. Even triumphant songs like My Way and New York, but more so in this track and That's Life. Maybe all the things written about him were right and he did have more connection with the darker side of life than we know.

Justified and Ancient - The KLF are a fascinating band to me, not really a band I guess, more like producers. The White Room was an essential purchase back then. Then there's the bizarre appearance at the Brits, the filmed burning of a block of a million pound notes in Scotland, the guide book to making a number one record, the aborted road movie across the US and the trip to place a painting of Elvis at the most northerly light house so the spirit of Elvis could illuminate the world. The whole cut and paste approach to music seems to be the standard way these days. My memory of this record is sitting at a small beach bar overlooking the sea on a small island in Spain - no other customers, just me it was perfect.

It's Bad, You Know - Old school blues. I don't know much about this artist but I love the song and also the modern remix on The Sopranos. Burnside did time for murder, his defence may not have helped him: "I didn't mean to kill nobody ... I just meant to shoot the sonofabitch in the head. Him dying was between him and the Lord.".

The KKK Took My Baby Away - The Ramones are just one of those bands. I remember them for drunken parties back in the eighties, even back then I was quite a dark brooding character. The good thing about the Ramones is that even if you don't like their song its always over in about two minutes.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Blues For My Baby

2010-09-29T10:12:00.002+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 110.00

Yesterdays Booze: 3 Bottles of Rioja

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Blues

We were right - you were wrong. You know how they have those movies were the evildoer always gets his bitter desserts at the end of the film, well as previously suspected they are just fairy stories. The UK banking sector which, using the kind of logic only civil servants understand, decided that the way to deal with banks that are "too big to fail" was to merge them with other banks and make them bigger has used similar thinking to deal with the high wages and lack of accountability of investment bankers. As a result all four of the major UK banks are now run by the heads of investment banks. Perhaps the thinking is that the commercial and retail bankers who used to be in the jobs were ill-prepared to understand the complexity of the modern financial markets, (in which case they should have been playing golf at the club or doddering around some old folks home). It's like putting the wolf in charge of the sheep. Any investment banker who made it to the level of Bob Diamond at Barclays or Stuart Gulliver at HSBC has the thinking and profit motivation of a trader/investment banker ingrained in his blood.

The fantasy world the markets are operating in continues to bemuse me. I understand Why gold is so high and, seemingly, going much higher. Paper currency is looking extremely unreliable, a situation that won't improve as long as the central banks keep printing the stuff to pay their bills. Gold has always been a hedge against inflation, but also a vote of lack of confidence in paper money. I had a friend who collected banknotes and I remember bringing him back stacks of pre-Khmer Cambodian Riels and French Piastres, Burmese Rupees and Brazilian Cruzeiros - all of them worthless no matter how beautifully decorated the notes were, (the Cambodian Riels were particularly attractive). Equities are also as good a financial instrument as you can get in an inflationary environment, providing the companies you invest in don't go bust due to the economic situation. A bigger problem is the bond markets. Bonds are often called fixed income because that's what you get. If you buy the safest bond, typically a US treasury for say ten years you get the coupon paid semi-annually and your money returned at the end of the ten years. However if inflation is four percent and the coupon is two and a half percent per annum, then you have lent your money for ten years to the government and are losing one and a half percent per year. This may not seem so bad as at least you get your original principal back, (less the inflation adjusted loss), in ten years, provided the issuer of your bonds doesn't default, like Argentina, (two thousand and two) and Russia, (ninety eight), have. The problem is the companies that manage your pensions and generally are little more than overpaid telephone clerks usually invest in a mixture of bonds, equities and cash. So the money that is being built up to pay for your golden years will likely be far less than you expect. At least if you invest in property like the lovely Bridget at teaanddigestives.blogspot.com you get to own something real, bonus points if its somewhere like Italy. Luckily I don't have a pension plan - I just hope I die before I spend all my money.

Receiving overtures of reconciliation from the Stalker, she must be having some problems as I seem to be the male equivalent of light relief for depressed women. Perhaps my own situation is so bad they can look at their own lives and say "at least I'm not that fucker", actually she's probably just horny. Most female partners I have had know I am a good place to go for complication-free sex. Actually I am sure that's the case as when I told her my mother was paying a visit, she suggested a hotel, which I don't mind in the slightest as I spent a lot of time living in hotels and service apartments and she isn't exactly the travel lodge kind of woman. Mind you, I still recall when we went to a hotel in Green Park that has an excellent malt whisky bar, over two hundred and seventy types, we took a break and decided to see how well we could taste the differences between them. Even I winced when she got the bill.

Yesterday's music was Blues, my top five tracks:

Misty Blue - Dorothy Moore, what a great song, reminds me of good old days and better nights. I can't be the only person that lives their life as if it had a soundtrack attached.

Hellhound On My Tail - "I got to keep movin, got to keep movin" Old Robert supposedly sold his soul to the devil to achieve success. I wonder if I would ever do that, mind you the going rate for my soul is probably enough to get me to the first round of X factor or an appearance on big brother.

Stormy Weather - The Lena Horne version, "Stormy weather, just can't get myself together - I am weary all the time, I'm weary all the time". Am I the only person that thinks this song is cheerful? Another good version is the Sinatra one on the album No One Cares.

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer - A song by John Lee Hooker, classic drinking music. Last call for alcohol, funny how some days you go into a bar, just for a quick drink and before you know it they are telling you its closing time.

Same Old Blues - Eric Clapton, he loves the blues so much he built an entire fortune on it. Strange how music from the plantations in the deep south ended up with Clapton driving his Ferrari to his residency in the Albert Hall. Still, no doubt Clapton is a brilliant blues guitarist. Every man who ever lost his girl or his job or his house should have some empathy with the blues.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The World Ain't Been The Same

2010-09-18T14:02:00.010+01:00

Fridays P&L: GBP 110.00

Fridays Booze: 1 bottle of Tinto Pesqura 1994, 4 pints of Stella Artois, 3 pints of Aspinall's cider

Fridays Soundtrack: Rock Music

Took my first tentative steps back into trading, after all what else can I do? Its going to take a lot of days earning this little to make up my last loss. I made some money on a small short on the FTSE100 and then just watched the market as it climbed, this is why I hate trading on a Friday. The equity indexes are still operating in cloud cuckoo land so I should probably leave them alone as I cannot believe they should be so high, anyway the action recently has been taking place on the currency markets. Japan's intervention in the markets in Wednesday was really no solution the Yen continues to look strong, not because Japan is any stronger than Europe or America but because global interest rates are so low that any yield pick-up by being in other currencies is negligible. Gold as usual is benefiting. The desk traders should be back at work by now, following the summer quiet period which should give a few months of activity before the Christmas slow season starts. Lets see if I can recover from what seems a hopeless situation.

I have inadvertently given the Stalker her perfect easy escape route by responding to a facebook request from the Lunatic. Facebook is truly the invention of the devil. Not really knowing anything about these type of sites, I had no idea that everyone else can see your conversations on that site, so she has already phoned me to express her anger. Women are so odd, it is clear to me that she wants to end the relationship, yet she remains extremely jealous. She definitely views herself as an alpha female and even if she doesn't want something she doesn't want any other woman to have it.

Fridays music was various rock and roll tracks, (I have had enough heartache music recently):

Woke Up This Morning - The music from the Sopranos. "Born under a bad sign", maybe that was me, both my grandmothers had nothing good to say about me, actually that is putting it mildly - my maternal grandmother described me as the spawn of Satan, I was six years old. I wonder what I did that was so bad to them. This song was a big hit because of the huge popularity of the tv program, but its an excellent song in its own right - in fact the whole album is cool the other track I listen to a lot is Mao Tse Tung Said, I have always enjoyed flirting with totalitarianism.

Solsbury Hill - This is a very joyous track. Peter Gabriel is another artist who is a bit mad. He is very involved in social causes though, without being as cringe inducing as Bono or Sting. It's easy for someone like me, who has never done anything worthwhile to knock these guys. This song reminds me of a day when just about everything went right. I was about seventeen and its all I could do to stop myself punching the air.

You Could Be Mine - Guns and Roses, just before they imploded. Axl Rose is certainly not operating with a full deck of cards, OK they made it to the big leagues but they didn't stick around long. I sometimes wonder how bands like The Stones can keep going year after year at the highest level and yet other bands rip themselves apart after a short period. This song reminds me of a demanding woman, I have known a few of them.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Anyone remember Pat Benetar. I imagine she is like some housewife now, but who knows - like Chrissy Hynde she was an authentic rock chick. This song is from the album called Crimes of Passion - my kind of title. This song has all the attitude that should be in rock, it doesn't matter if it doesn't make you strut. Sometimes I forget I am forty and still think I am fifteen.

In The Evening - The mighty Led Zep, this song has all the usual mix problems that Led Zep records have, (a lot of their songs have dated so badly because of the mix - God knows what they were using for monitors back then). But it's Zep and its another killer riff from Jimmy Page, Even the Stones can't match these guys for decadence. This song is dark, but in a good way - goes well with heavy drinking.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

I'd Sooner Forget, But I Remember Those Nights

2010-09-13T18:17:00.009+01:00

Today's P&L: Still no trading

Today's Booze: 3 bottles of Tinto Pesqura 1994

Today's Soundtrack:

Found a case of wine I didn't know I had, lucky me - would have been better if it was Vega Sicillia Unico. My palette is so uneducated, but even I can tell this is good grog.

The Stalker knows a lot about wine and that's kind of fitting because this post is about her. We are splitting up, she hasn't said anything yet but I know its happening. You want to know how I know? she offered me money, OK it was only fifty thousand pounds. As I have already mentioned women are an ungenerous sex at the best of times and in her case, I know her ex-husband, (come to think of it I never saw any divorce papers), controls all her finances despite losing a truckload in the recent credit crisis. It was after a pretty energetic sexual encounter, where I feel I was almost the man I used to be and I think in her mind it reminded her of why she left me all those years ago. Anyway a while later, when she had regained her composure, she was using one of my computers and suddenly came up with this "undiscovered" bank account which in her generosity she decided to give me. OK the money would clear my troubles with the tax man and a broker but I'll never take it. I didn't let the smile slip from my face as she told me, but I knew straight away what was happening.

You must understand, the Stalker thinks I am stupid. I didn't go to university and in her eyes I am an uneducated dolt. I can see her thought processes forming before she even opens her mouth. And she also forgets we have done this exact scenario at least twice before - OK it was Ninety Two and Ninety Five. This time will be the last. Her husband had an affair and I guess I was her retaliation. I should feel cheap and used and I do - but I kind of like that feeling. At the end of the day I want what's best for her and I am pretty sure it isn't me. My father, if he was here, would urge me to fight for her, (he adores her), but that's not my style. She will come back to me but perhaps next time I won't be around.

Coincidently I got an email from the lunatic asking me to be a facebook friend. Looks like she finally got around to learning how to plug in her computer. On her page there is a black and white picture of her that reminds me of our time together. She is older of course but she still has that distant sad look in her eyes that breaks my heart every time I see it. She is such a special woman, I really hope she finds someone because she is one of those girls that is not built to be alone. Now I know the Stalker and I are splitting up I even considered phoning her, then I remembered what it was like. She and I are not compatible, its like oil and water. It always starts well enough but it always ends the same way with me dodging bullets and heading for the airport. Every mutual acquaintance we have says "no man, she's calmed down she isn't like before" I'll never believe it, I think over the four or five years we were together I had to do the airport run maybe thirty times. she has such limitless anger when she is with me - If she is calm with other guys, then she should find one.

Still not trading, I need some money urgently - its got to the stage where I am finding all my old currency to take to the Post Office, hope they take Thai Baht, Dhirams, Sing Dollars and Malysian Ringgit.

Today the music was predictably enough, broken heart music, I have mentioned most of these before:

It Never Rains - Probably my all time favourite song ever. It reminds me of the grimy dismal English life in small towns. I still don't understand the lyrics fully but I love that line "The bigger they are, babe - the harder they fall on you". Recently my life has seen a lot of rain and not much sunshine. Everyone says it can only get better, but somehow it never does. People ask you, are you a glass half full or half empty kind of person - the true dipsomaniac answer is of course, "you not finishing that, mate".

My Army Of Lovers - "I lost my soul in Tokyo", I wonder where I lost my heart. This song is so decadent. My younger brother still laughs about the time I took a Japanese girl to the airport where she was so grateful but I had to catch a flight to Munich to meet another girl from a different terminal shortly after, so it was hardly a hardship. That Japanese girl still emails me occasionally. She was the one who said every time I try to grab you you slip away from me. Hope she is doing ok.

One Day I'll Fly Away - Randy Crawford is such a good singer. This song is kind of odd "leave your love behind me", I suppose I am a classic example of a guy who can't leave his emotional baggage. I wear my past relationships like emotional scars - But, hey I earned them the scars I carry from the Stalker and the Lunatic are duelling scars. When my brother complains about his wife giving him a hard time, I remind him that the lunatic once paid someone to shoot me. Still wouldn't be worth having if it was easy.

Everybody's Got To Learn Sometimes - "I need your loving, like the sunshine". For the longest time I thought this song was sung by a woman. It is a true sentiment though you have to learn otherwise you end up like me doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again. I can tell myself that I was destined to be with the Stalker or The Lunatic but it isn't true nobody is forced to be with someone else. Its just bizarre co-incidence that we always seem to end up with each other.

Wuthering Hights - The song that always reminds me of the Lunatic, The absolute abandonment to passion is key to her - I wonder what her life is like without it. I imagine she has some aussie surfer dude who married her for her money, who wouldn't want a girlfriend with property in Jakarta, Hong Kong, Singapore and Sydney? You know the first time I met her I knew we would have sex, but I never imagined what an impact she would have on my life. I have turned down jobs and flown all the way around the world just to be with her.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Under Attack

2010-09-12T18:45:00.004+01:00

Today's P&L: No trading

Today's Booze: just a half litre of Vodka - trying to cool it

Today's Soundtrack: Random

Still not trading, I am in need of a cash injection, it isn't cheap living out here - almost as bad as central London. I have had more bad news, my parents are returning, which means one of my brothers needs their help but I have to put them up and if that wasn't bad enough, the Stalker returns from Spain today so she is bound to turn up and I am going to disappoint her. She won't be pleased when she sees my latest injury as she will assume it is the result of drunken misadventure. I have no idea how to deal with the Stalker, she isn't afraid of me at all, even the Lunatic was wary of pushing me too far although she knew I am not the kind of man to hit a woman. All in all I have been pretty restrained when it comes to women, the Stalker has blacked my eye and the Lunatic has broken my nose. The stalker is a black belt so she has to be careful to pull her punches but the Lunatic hit me when I was asleep, how stupid was that? We were in a war zone at the time she is lucky I didn't kill her. I can't help thinking relationships shouldn't involve getting out of town alive and having a certain amount of fear - maybe I am just old fashioned.

Christ knows what my mother is going to make of my latest injury, she already has said I gave you a fantastic body and look what you have done with it - maybe she will be distracted by my fancy artwork. She is right though my body was remarkable and now I am a broken man, I remember going to Gieves & Hawkes for a few suits and they measured me up and the guy said "was it swimming or boxing sir". I still look alright though as long as you don't look too hard. so its going to be a night of recriminations, fights and nasty sex for me - The stalker will still demand sex, no matter how angry she is with me - I really am getting to old for all this.

Today the music was eighties:

The Night you Murdered Love - ABC classic, maybe I listened to this because of the impending arrival of the Stalker. ABC were so impossibly slick and Martin Fry even got away with a gold lame suit which is strictly Elvis territory.

Two out of Three Ain't Bad - Was Meatloaf eighties or Seventies? Anyway this song is beautiful reminds me that you can't find treasure everywhere, and that goes for trading as well as love.

Video Killed The Radio Star - Before MP3 killed CD, I don't know if this is song is about the progress of technology, but to me its about thinking about times gone by. Remember when you were a child and you played in the street or the fields with your friends, your best friend, your first crush? Then you start growing up and lose some of that innocence.

It's In The Way That You Use It - From August, one of Eric Claptons least popular albums, although I rather liked it. This song is more known because of its inclusion in the wildly underrated movie, The Colour Of Money. OK Tom Cruise was annoying as Vince but any move that has Paul Newman as Fast Eddie Felson is all right by me. For me this song is when your on the top, cresting, but just on the edge - ready to be knocked off your perch any time. I don't know if girls have that feeling, you know the one - when you get a date with the prettiest girl at school, when you win something when everyone said you couldn't do it. When you beat the odds. No feeling like it.

Livin' On The Edge Of The Night - Iggy Pop singing, I like to think, about me. "Maybe I know some people, Maybe I break some rules, But this is the street, I've got to compete, Baby, I ain't no fool". This song is very clean for Iggy Pop, but there is a feeling of wilful self destruction that just appeals to me. "Every wild desire, Beckons from the dark. I've made my bed but I can't rest my head, While I still swim with sharks, Everyone needs something. Sometimes they don't know why, But so much good's been misunderstood, in the blink of the eye"

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Run Lola Run

2010-09-05T20:19:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: No trading

Today's Booze: Not really sure, lots of empty bottles - at least 1 bottle of Tequila, 1 bottle of Stolichnaya and lots of Brahama beer

Today's Soundtrack: Sad songs

Bit of a madcap drinking session. I feel ok, more or less although I look shattered. The only hard part was pretending to be sober when the Stalker phoned from Spain. Luckily only had to deal with her, my parents are still refusing to speak to me. My mother has decided to take her dispute with the Stalker to me as well. Why do women hate their daughters in law, (or potential daughters in law), so much? The Stalker took a dislike to my mother when she left the day I checked into hospital for my leg injury and was given a forty eight hour lifespan without visiting me but flew back from Spain to babysit for my brother. I keep on telling her that my parents love me, we just don't have that kind of relationship. The stalker won't have it though. Women rarely understand how hard it is when they make you choose between the woman you love and the woman who gave birth to you. OK, my mother and I don't get along very well but she isn't the one that married some other guy all those years ago. Anyway had to go to the hospital and I have got a hairline fracture and 3 bone chips in my left wrist so I am in a cast yet again - my GP is going to love this when I go to get my prescription renewed.

In England it is customary to get your cast signed by your friends but as I don't have any I have painted a Nagel style portrait on my cast.

Today/Yesterday was all about feeling sorry for myself music wise. My top five tracks were:

Going Home - the theme tune from Local Hero, When I am at my lowest, I often listen to this song - ok I don't have anywhere to call home or really any family - even my brother is growing more and more distant, but this song makes me wish I did. Just for a second I can pretend I am part of something. It doesn't have any words, because it doesn't need any.

Snow On The Sahara - I can't get over how much I love this song, Angunn seems so desperate to please her lover. I first heard it in a town in Sumatra and the Lunatic dismissed the girl as "looking like a servant". To me its a song about passion and sacrifice.

Piano Man - "He says Bill I believe this is killing me as a smile ran away from his face". How many of us do things that we never thought we would? Remember when you were a child in school and people would ask you what you want to be when you grow up? How many of us are happy how it turned out?

On Every Street - A song by Dire Straits I always listen to when I am just close to giving up altogether. The first verse just kills me, "There's gotta be a record of you someplace, You gotta be on somebody's books, The lowdown - a picture of your face
Your injured looks, The sacred and profane, The pleasure and the pain
Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete, And it's your face I'm looking for on every street". I have actually done all that, seen the desperately hurt look in a girls eyes as I walked away, then wandered around places I thought she would be - flown from England to Indonesia just on the chance I might bump into her. The Stalker can say what she wants but if she had wanted to find me during all those years apart she could have, The Lunatic tracked me down plenty of times and they are both more or less in the same income group.

Hand to Mouth - George Michael before he became too camp, "Smile and a quote from a vigilant movie, our boy Jimmy just blew them all away" This world is so dismal sometimes it just depresses me, "Sweet little baby on a doorstep", "just another hooker that the lucky can forget". The stalker has done so much for charity I am humbled every time I meet her, if she was selfish I would ask her for help but how can I when she does so much for the needy and its not just the money she donates its the time she spends - I don't know anyone else who would drag themselves out of their cancer ward to look after kids in Romania. Still doesn't stop me treating her like shit though.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

What's The First rule of The Dipsomaniac Diaries

2010-09-02T23:26:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -12,700.00

Today's Booze: 3 bottles of rioja, working my way through a bottle of Tequila

Today's Soundtrack: Nothing

You do not talk about the Dipsomaniac Diaries! Well I finally made one hundred posts. Its taken a while, since I started this blog I have been diagnosed as terminal, been given a reprieve, been reunited with a girl I never thought I would see again, lost a few parts of my leg, spent far too much time in hospital, rediscovered God, nearly been coherent and offended pretty much everyone who knows me. Seems unlikely I'll make another one hundred posts, however the doctors are undecided, as ever, what to do with me. My GP, who the stalker is convinced I am having sex with, (she wouldn't be a good stalker if she didn't have an irrational hatred of every woman I talk to), has provided me with a letter to say I have a chronic condition, which due to credit crunch cuts is about as much use to me as a Greek Drachma. Have I learned anything? Probably not.

Trading was bad today - I decided to roll the dice on a large short position on The Dow 30. I don't really know how much longer I can keep going to be honest. I was so frustrated I punched the wall next to my trading computer and think I have broken my wrist, so I might have to pay a visit to the hospital again, but I will avoid it unless the bruising turns black.

Didn't listen to any music during the day but anticipate a long night of sad songs this evening.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Ruthless People

2010-08-30T23:45:00.003+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00

Today's Booze: 3 bottles of rioja

Today's Soundtrack: Motown

My blogging assignment has made me think about sex and my attitude to it. So I thought I'd give some more insight without being tawdry. Recently I have only been having sex with one girl, in fact, with a few exceptions I have been a serial monogamist all my life. Sex with her is a slightly unnerving experience she is very passionate and as she is quite strong she takes some controlling. As she is grinding away, she often seems lost to the world. She is easily pleased however and often seems to be climaxing as soon as we start. She is remarkably easy to make love to, I guess some people just fit together. Our bodies are older and more worn out but just seem so right with each other. She seems to enter some kind of dreamtime state but then we have a brief period of lucidity where she tells me how much she hates me, this is fun. Generally after forty to fifty minutes she is worn out and she lies there looking very pleased with herself. If I am lucky I can normally get three or four hours of peace before she starts telling me how she would reorganize my life. All in all sex with her is very satisfying even after all this time although it isn't a hearts and flowers kind of experience it is hot and sweaty. So what I said in my blogging Santa post isn't completely accurate in the case of the Stalker.

Tried trading today with a small short position on the DOW30. Didn't really do me any good and returned to exactly the place I sold at by the end of the trading session. Days like this happen often in the summer.

Today I was listening to more sweet, sweet Motown. The top five songs I listened to:

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - A great song for guys to feel sorry for themselves to.

Night Shift - A lot of people didn't like the Commodores after Lionel left but I think this is one of their best ever tracks. A bit of a homage to the motown greats but a good song in its own right. Reminds me that nothing lasts forever.

At Last - Etta James, great song Etta was a little nuts but who isn't? Its one of those songs I listen to in a dodgy bar. The stalker likes this kind of music as well.

Heard it on the Grapevine - Marvin, what a classic - this guy had a great voice and this song has the brooding jealousy that most men have felt, usually when they begin to suspect the woman has decided the relationship is over. If Marvin told us anything it is not to tell your father what you really think of him.

Sir Duke - Little Stevie Wonder, such a celebratory song. Stevie started composing when he was about six. So how come he turned out ok with his disability and Wacko Jacko was so tortured? Not my usual taste doesn't give me the chance to brood and look tragic, but a real feel good track.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Blogging Santa???

2010-08-24T22:24:00.004+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -60.00

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of rioja, 8 pints of Kronenbourg 1664.

Today's Soundtrack: Various

So I got my assignment from the blogging Santa who doesn't live at the North Pole but resides on the blog of lifebegins@30ty. my assigned questions were:

1. Write about the relationship between sex and love.
2. Most embarrassing sexual experience.
3. What sort of kink do you draw the line at?

I decided to write about the first, because I am deep like that, (but anyone who wants to hear my answers to the other questions just ask).

The relationship between love and sex? I could cover that easily - Sex is fun, Love hurts. But I suppose I should go into it in more depth. There is no point in denying it we first get in to a relationship because we are physically attracted to someone. That part in a relationship is the best part the whole teasing thing you do where you get a girl just about ready to boil over then decide you have to catch the last train home or whatever. The Lunatic was a sucker for that but she got her own back. Sex is great at first but for men it can become something of a chore, most men won't admit it but after a while you do it because she wants it and you are a pussy if you don't fulfil her needs, even if there is an important game on the box. The Stalker once recognised the extreme pain I was in while making love to her and afterwards said you didn't really want to have sex did you? Naturally I laughed it off and said of course I did and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. And why? Because deep down I suppose I love her. Its hard to say because most of the time we hate each other but we always seem to end up with each other. I know her life would be far better if she had nothing to do with me and my life would certainly be less hassle but we always seem to find each other. You would think on a planet of six billion people we could escape , but it never happens. Is it love or fate or destiny - who knows? Like I say sex is easy but love is hard, its kind of like the US invasion of Iraq - the sex bit was the initial rush to Baghdad when everything seems so easy the love bit is like maintaining the presence there. A long painful process that involves pain on both sides. I don't mean to trivialise war but you know what I mean. I guess at the end of the day I am no expert on love as I even dislike myself but I do know I could have sex with someone I didn't love but I could never love someone I didn't have sex with, not including family of course. This isn't the Pit Cairns.

Trading was annoyingly difficult today I made a few hundred on the dollar / Yen trade which finally broke Eighty five but lost more on a silly long position on the DAX30.

Today I was listening to lots of different artists. The top five songs I listened to:

Chasing Cars - maybe it was the questions about love, but this song struck a chord in me today. "Those three words are said too much, but not enough". I know its cheesy but, even I feel lonely sometimes, no forget that I am alone never lonely.

Sunshine - Gabrielle is such a good singer, and went to school not too far away on Telegraph Hill. Sunshine is such an optimistic song for me, "Made a wish, I can dream I can be what I want to be". I suppose no one lives in the kind of isolation I would prefer. The Stalker wants a child even though we are both in bad shape, my brother said doesn't matter if you both die I will look after your baby as if it was my own.

The Name of The Game - Abba, I have a softspot for Abba, this song I have a connection with. I spent all my time in relationships building a wall, trying to show I don't care.

Hounds of Love - Kate Bush is another artist I love. Hounds of Love with its delightfully retro 39 steps video is one of her best. I love the line "I have always been a coward and I don't know what's good for me". Maybe something changed me from when I was a child, maybe I was a pussy I don't remember much before my first brain injury, just snatches. Maybe I was one of those scared kids and that's why I feel I have to prove myself, by being as daring as I can.

Drive - The Cars finest moment. Most people in this country remember it from Live Aid and the heartbreaking video attached to it. I have been to West Africa and the slums of Asia and have seen enough poverty and suffering to last a life time, I may talk about that in another post. For this one I just think about the song, which in my mind is forever linked to the Lunatic. "Who's going to tell you when its too late, Who's going to tell you when things aren't so great". Apart from the Stalker the lunatic was the closest I ever got to marriage, we even brought a massive diamond ring. It was another one of those relationships where you either hate each other or love each other. The only times we were not fucking or drinking we were fighting, it was one of those relationships that is like being addicted to crack cocaine, you know it is killing you but you go back for more. I have heard she is far more normal without me in her life, but even the sound of her voice makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Don't Stand So Close To Me

2010-08-19T05:49:00.004+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 150.00

Yesterdays Booze: 1 litre of Russian Standard Vodka

Yesterdays Soundtrack: The Police

Well that was good, The Stalker is back from her experimental cancer therapy and her first act...Go out with a friend and get smashed, she promptly got arrested after going all Bruce Lee on some black dude that kissed her coming out of the toilets, (she is a black belt at Karate and a gold belt at some other madcap martial art). I thought I was supposed to be the irresponsible one, I am feeling kind of left out. Anyway the guy didn't want to press charges - he was an American and probably didn't want to admit he got his ass kicked by a five foot eight inch Asian girl. I should be angry but I can't help but be impressed that she took on some big guy and his two friends, reminds me of my youth! She was feeling very sorry for herself the next day because she lost her wallet which always seems to have a load of cash in it and her Mont Blanc pen, but she has brightened up since then and seems as likely to cause trouble as before. I am beginning to suspect there is something she hasn't told me about the treatment she had abroad because she certainly has adopted my nihilistic approach to life.

Trading is as difficult as can be. Volatility is high because volumes are so low. Its all right for these fools on a guaranteed salary to take the summer off but I need to earn some money. Still squeezed a few quid out of a long position on the FTSE 100. Not because I have any faith in the market but just a short-term in and out trade at ten pounds per point. I missed my chance to benefit from the strengthening of the Yen, but all is not lost if it breaks through eighty five there is no real support until seventy six.

Yesterday I was listening to The Police, my top five songs:

Every Breath you take - forget the crap p diddy version, the original was a magnificent study in obsession. Anyone who has had a partner who won't accept its over knows what I am talking about. The moody black and white video adds to the sombre feeling. Predictably, it reminds me of the lunatic and her pleas for me to come back. I remember walking through the local airport thinking she knows anyone who counts in this town they will all tell her I have high tailed it out of here.

Wrapped around Your Finger - Ok we all know Sting is right up his own arse and the references to Scylla and Charybdis is a bit much for a pop song but underneath all that its a great track. All relationships have a dynamic to them - how could it be otherwise? I know the Stalker is rebelling just because its what I have always done and maybe her time is short so she wants to have a little zing, but she has a long way to go.

Message In A Bottle - This one is just for me, perhaps it is the reflection of the solution I seek in the bottom of a bottle. More likely the song stands out as a lonely man seeking some kind of redemption. "Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh. Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh. More loneliness than any man could bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh".

Can't Stand Losing You - Classic teenage angst. I was never like this as a child, didn't have the time. But that whole "You'll be sorry when I'm dead and all this guilt will be on your head", is just so typical of love struck teenagers. It's laughable to us now but don't we all remember when dating someone seemed more important than life or death.

Don't Stand So Close to Me - I must be the only person who prefers the eighty six remix to the original, but once again I feel the slowed down tempo gives the song that creepy obsession feeling it deserves. Of course Sting can't restrain himself from tossing in a reference to Lolita but this song really points to how strong the emerging sexuality of women is.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

View From a Bridge

2010-08-03T22:12:00.003+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -260.00

Today's Booze: 1 litre of Patron XO Tequila, 2 pints of cider

Today's Soundtrack: Nothing

Ever stood on the ledge of a high building and wandered what it would be like just to let go? I did that a few times when I still had decent co-ordination. forty two floors is very beguiling, you almost feel like you could fly. I wouldn't do it now of course it would be almost certain suicide and we all know what Catholics think about suicide. I did a few DAX30 trades today but my heart wasn't in it. Despite my better instincts I am really worried about The Stalker, I would have laid odds on me dying before her but she is in really bad shape. I can't go and visit her because of her ongoing divorce and I wouldn't want to cause a scene. It just seems so unfair she is a really good person and her cancer wasn't caused by self-abuse like mine. She doesn't believe in God and seeing as I believe in Extra Ecclesiam Nulla Salus, I am worried we will never see each other again. Its ironic after all these years apart we finally meet up again only to be denied by our health. I don't regret all the things I did when I wasn't with her and I am sure she doesn't regret her life either. But no matter how far apart we go, we always seem to find one another. I don't care that she isn't as good looking as she was when she was twenty, even I don't look like I did back then, although I have changed less than her. The biggest difference between her then and now is she was so naive then now she is quite jaded. I remember when she asked me what my middle name was and I told her I couldn't afford one. "What do you mean" she asked and I told her that London was so overcrowded that if you had a middle name you had to pay a tax to have your extra name listed in the telephone directory. She accepted this and I forgot all about it until we were at a dinner party about a year later and this guy with four middle names told her his full name and she asked him "oh it must cost you a lot to pay for the telephone book". for about a second I couldn't work out what she was talking about then I spluttered the wine I was drinking as I realised what she meant. Back then I was even more of an asshole than I am now. I remember arranging to meet her at a bar in Leicester Square and going out with a broker instead I phoned the bar after an hour past when I should have met her and said is there an asian girl there drinking margaritas by herself the bar tender said yes so I said tell her I will be there soon, I turned up five hours later and she was still waiting but she wasn't very pleased.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Forgiven Not Forgotten

2010-07-31T19:19:00.005+01:00

Yesterdayss P&L: GBP 520.00

Yesterdays Booze: 1 750cl bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, 3 pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Local Hero

So made a few quid yesterday but still no consistency in my earnings. I wouldn't mind accepting a low wage of five or six hundred a day if I could at least get some regular income, just now its always one step forward two steps back. Mind you that isn't enough money if I have to fulfil the bucket list and definitely not if I have to bring the Stalker along, although that may be a moot point as she is back in hospital. I am fairly confident she will get through this latest set-back, I know what a tough girl she can be. It is worrying though, her hospital visits have recently become more frequent. Seems like one or the other of us has been in hospital most of this year so far.

Listened mostly to the soundtrack from Local Hero yesterday. I am a city boy and would probably be miserable in a small village like the one in that movie but sometimes it seems so attractive to be in a place like that. The Stalker sees all this beauty in the world that I don't even notice - maybe one day I will realise what I am missing.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Some People Call It A One Night Stand...

2010-07-23T16:52:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -380.00

Today's Booze: 1 litre of Smirnoff Black

Today's Soundtrack: more Duran Duran

Trading in the summer is so difficult. Anyone who doesn't think bankers are paid too much should walk around a trading floor in July or August. Volumes are way down, which allows easy manipulation of the markets. I got burned a little on some harmless FTSE 100 trades. The market has been waiting all day to see the results of the stress tests that we are assured will tell us if any of the banks are at risk in the event of a double dip recession or a European sovereign debt crisis. It is all meaningless of course, if there is one thing we have found out, it is that the banks lie and manipulate their figures to a level that would make Enron executives blush. The government is fully complicit in this as they know that a major bank failure would spell all kinds of doom for the economy.

I am beginning to find the endless corruption in the west tiresome, of course the seemingly constant drive to lower education standards stops the proles from asking questions. You wonder what the red top tabloids would say about some of the things that happen in this country if they took place in the third world. Not to say the third world is any more noble. A Standard Bank research paper estimated that in the last fifty years Nigeria has generated over six trillion dollars in oil revenue. I have spent some time in Lagos and would give you fifty quid for the country.

My health is quite good lately, (thanks Euro Anon). My most recent blood tests showed I had serious Anaemia, whatever that means, but generally I feel well and look quite sharp. The stalker is back harassing me. Don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful woman but I guess I am just too old to be told what to do. She is infuriating because while criticizing me, she refuses to recognize her own behaviour - at least I know when I act badly, she seems oblivious.

Today I was listening to Duran Duran. When I was in a band as a teenager, this was the band I most wanted to be in. The top five songs I listened to:

Last Chance On The Stairway - A song about a party about to end or something more desperate? To me it means the inevitable end everything comes to. You know how you just know when something is past its time, could be a relationship, could be a job - you just get this feeling that its over and no amount of talking or patching up is going to repair the damage.

Save A Prayer - Its a cliché, but this song reminds me of lots of exotic women I have slept with in exotic places. I suppose I have been luckier than most but being an alcoholic isn't all supermarket spirits and bottles of cider. I travelled the world and was usually staying in high dollar joints. Strangely, it doesn't remind me of any specific girlfriend, like the lyrics say, "Some people call it a one night stand but we can call it paradise".

Hungry Like The Wolf - This song is quite high energy and reminds me of the lunatic - she was definitely the kind of woman who went out hunting for men.

Rio - "And that means so much to me, like a birthday or a pretty view". Great song, kind of reminds me of my disposable life. Things that seem so important are really irrelevant. I wonder if someone like me has a mid-life crisis where I yearn for responsibility and commitment?

Skin Trade - I love this song, It is so well produced but also quite seedy and it isn't just the subject. We all work for the skin trade in one way or another, I am fairly harsh on strippers and hookers because I have lived in countries where you don't take your clothes off to buy a new set of rims for your car. Try telling a stripper in Vegas that in Cambodia a girl will stay all night with you for ten dollars. I suppose it just annoys me that so many strippers write blogs expressing how intelligent they are and how empowered by their jobs. I am no feminist but if I had a daughter, I sure as hell wouldn't want her stripping for a living.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Roll The Bones

2010-07-06T13:09:00.012+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 190.00

Today's Booze: 1 litre of Stolychnaya, 2 pints of lager

Today's Soundtrack: Prince

I know in an earlier post I complained about the nature of how I make my money, likening it to prostitution or lap dancing, I still stand by that. It isn't what was expected of someone like me. But I did a small trade today, nothing huge, just made me one hundred and thirty pounds on the December gold contract and I realised how much fun it can be. The other trades I did are still open, as a rule I hate leaving a trade open overnight because the financing cost are so high and also anything could happen, still added another sixty pounds to the gold trade. My father thinks that it isn't a real job, but he also says that if I had lived in America in the nineteenth century, I would probably be a poker player for a living - my dad loves westerns. Needless to say the Stalker can't stand what I do, but if you start doing what your girlfriend/wife asks I guess you might as well hand in your balls. Anyway, I have never done anything else and I guess I am too old to dust off the microphone and become a rock legend.

Today I feel quite good, apart the usual aches and pains from my shattered ankles and knees and my fingers which are generally fine apart from the two smallest ones on my left hand where the knuckles were badly broken. Days like this I feel I could live forever. My sleeping is not so good, I am finding it incredibly hard to sleep at all. I wonder why I can't do anything constructive in this time when I should be sleeping, I was much more productive when I was really drinking.

Today I was listening to Prince. Prince is a genius but also mad as can be. As a multi-instrumentalist maybe only Stevie Winwood comes close but he isn't as good a guitarist and doesn't have that funky mix, that my guitarist once described to me as chicken fat. The top five songs I listened to:

I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man - Love this song, women on the hunt for someone to take the place of their departed lover and father of their child. Some men don't mind being father figure to another mans children but to me it is too difficult a situation. Generally I don't agree with divorce unless there is violence involved - but really how hard is it for a guy not to get married or get a girl pregnant?

Lady Cab Driver - Misogynistic rape song. There is something compelling about this track though, the end section is actually quite disturbing, "This is 4 the cab U have 2 drive 4 no money at all. This is 4 why I wasn't born like my brother, handsome and tall. This is 4 politicians who r bored and believe in war. This -- Yeah, that's 4 me, that's who that 1's 4. This is 4 discrimination and egotists who think supreme. And this is 4 whoever taught U how 2 kiss in designer jeans. That 1's 4-- That 1's 4-- 4 U have 2 live" For me the best line is at the beginning, "Lady cab driver -- Can U take me 4 a ride? Don't know where I'm goin' 'cuz I don't know where I've been".

Purple Rain - Who can forget how big Prince was when this album was released? The song itself is kind of mesmerising. "Never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain. I only wanted to one time see you laughing.I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain". Maybe its the time it was released bu this song reminds me of the Italian.

Little Red Corvette - My favourite Prince track. Not sure why, I have never felt intimidated by a woman, guess it's that whole cars and girls thing. Corvettes aren't very cool, (unless you get a fifties one), but neither are Porsche's and I loved mine when I had it. Like everything I love, I destroyed it. The best thing about this song is the imagery, "I guess I must be dumb 'cos you had a pocket full of horses, Trojan and some were used, but it was Saturday night. I guess that makes it all right, what have you got to lose". As i hope my blog makes it pretty clear, I have taken a few chances in my life. I have still missed out on somethings by not saying yes. I regret all those missed chances.

Uneedanotherloverlike - This song is quite intense and when Prince performs it live he is amazing. The lyrics are not so clear but to me it means ok, our relationship is done but you can't be with anyone else and if you are then you will still be thinking of me because you are always mine.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Excesses Of The Heart

2010-07-03T09:51:00.011+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -90.00

Yesterdays Booze: 5 pints of lager, 4 pints of Aspinall Cider

Today's Soundtrack: The Stones / Mick Jagger

"Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall"
Measure for measure 2.1.42

So as expected the US data was pony, (pony and trap = crap, for any non-London readers). I knew this would be the case, but still failed to make any money because The Dow inexplicably rose on the news, before returning to rationale thought and selling off. There was then a mad spike at the end of the trading day, I should have remembered that trading on the last day of the month, before a US holiday, always involves the office workers doing "window dressing" for their accounts. Maybe next week will be better, Monday is bound to be dead as the UK traders often turn into Victorian maids without US traders to follow. The main problem for me is that it is shockingly clear by now how little knowledge was gained in the recent credit crunch. Bankers are being paid more than ever, interest rates remain at all time lows and the banks now follow a strategy of becoming too big to fail, witness Santander who have clearly decided being the European equivalent of Citicorp is the only way to guarantee government support. The Volcker plan is a joke and on Friday Morgan Stanley announced plans to hire upto five hundred bankers to sell "jumbo mortgages" and structured deals to clients, even though when Lehman collapsed it was generally acknowledged that the merging of investment and retail banking was a bad idea all round and that structured finance was the villain of the piece.

I have other concerns to worry about, the Stalker is back in town and demanding to see me - her strategy is to ignore my bad behaviour. The thing is just having her roaming around, (she has a key to my place), makes me feel uncomfortable. I make a special effort not to drink in front of her. Not because I am a pussy but because of the amount of distress it causes her. It is exactly the same when my mother is in the country. The Stalker is a remarkable woman but she and I have very little in common, (apart from both of us loving me). She does have a habit of making me feel guilty, and then failing to see why I resent her. Just because she chose to embrace responsibility, that's not my fault. She should know by now I am the opposite. I have avoided responsibility all my life. My experience with women, and I don't know if other men have found this, is that you can't shake them until they find some other guy - then its like you never existed. The Lunatic is just like that whenever I am plagued with e-mails from her, I know she is single, when I don't hear from her then she must be in a relationship. I sort of wish the Stalker would give someone else a go. Her and I cannot keep picking at the same wounds.

Yesterday I was listening to more Stones and Jagger solo stuff. The top five songs I listened to:

Almost Hear You Sigh - From Steel Wheels, a much underrated album, in my opinion. It is the album that kicked in the modern, corporate age of the Rolling Stones. This song is so smooth and slick but also has a lot of emotion. "What'll I do without you, They say that life goes on. I'm feeling sorry for myself, can't believe your gone". the flamenco style guitar break from Keith is unexpected. He is a great blues guitarist but no Clapton or Page.

Just Another Night - From She's The Boss, It could be a Stones song and really reminds me of Missing You. Mick Jagger wants to be regarded as a solo star so much, Like McCartney or Lennon. To me the Stones don't really function individually and its all based around Jagger, Richards and Charlie Watts. This is a great song, though and reminds me mostly of watching Live Aid on a ship of the West African coast. "I'm a stranger in this town, Can't I have my ups and downs. Can't you see that I'm human"?

Brown Sugar - Possibly the most politically incorrect song in the world. I have had few black girlfriends but quite a lot of Asian and Latin women. My brother used to think it was sexual imperialism, not at all, I don't see much difference between Asian women or English women, its just the type of girl that physically appeals to me is dark. No one makes the same assumptions about men who are attracted to Scandinavian type blonde's.

How Can I Stop - This song is an obvious choice for someone like me, "You offer me all your love and sympathy, Sweet affection baby, It's killing me". I am not as whiny as I seem though in real life, whilst I have a flair for the dramatic I am not a person who appears troubled - although most seasoned bar tenders know that someone that drinks a bottle of vodka at ten am probably has some issues. "How could I stop once I start", more importantly why would I stop? If I am going to be half a man, then I would rather take my chances.

Lonely At The Top - A great song about ambition. I only really think about things from the male perspective but I am sure women have the same dreams and ambitions that men do. This song says it all out of Sunset Boulevard to the Academy awards.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Sugar Tax

2010-07-01T11:30:00.010+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 670.00

Today's Booze: 3 pints of Kronenbourg 1664, 2 pints of Organic Cider, 3 shots of Vodka

Today's Soundtrack: 80's Again, (hey it's my era).

So, Tate &Lyle are selling their sugar business to some American company for just over two hundred million pounds. Another iconic company disappears. Well they will continue to exist but only as a company producing additives for processed food, which sounds a revolting business to be in - even worse than being a bond trader. Tate & Lyle, before they had to take responsibility for rotting the nations teeth where one of those Victorian style companies with a social responsibility but rather than just provide housing and social welfare for their workers they founded the Tate Gallery, they also provided social spaces for the public such as Lyle park near their massive sugar refinery in Silvertown, see how long that waterside factory lasts under American ownership. The company claims that they will benefit shareholders by paying down debt and that competing sugar producers made the business unviable, but two hundred million seems very little for a business that has assets in the UK alone, ignoring the Singapore business, the American business and its Caribbean business. If I was around I'd look forward to seeing the new apartments on Sugar Wharf, which just happens to be a stones throw from the City airport. Still the ground under the factory must be quite polluted I imagine by maintaining a promise to invest in the borough, the new owners will have it cleaned on the expense of Newham Council.

Weird day trading today, I was out early in the morning for a load of blood tests and walking back decided to buy a mop,(I know,I know domesticated me). The US data came out which was as bad as expected and the market went up. An hour later when cash trading opened it settled down and turned rather more negative. People are beginning to realise if there is no job growth in the US, there is unlikely to be a consumer-lead recovery. Anyway I cleared a few hundred and decided to stop trading, although I will keep at least one spread betting broker open in case anything dramatic happens after Europe closes.

Today I was listening to more eighties music. The top five songs I listened to:

Joe le Taxi - Love this song but I only have a vague idea of what it is about as I don't speak French. Only the French would consider it appropriate to have a thirteen year old girl driving in a cab in Paris with an Algerian taxi driver. Still Mrs Depp had a good, though limited voice or maybe just everything sounds better in French.

Small Town - John Mellencamp. This song speaks to me of what it must be like to grow up in the middle of nowhere, I imagine endless miles of cornfields and trying to be the best at football or whatever so you don't have to grow up working on your daddies farm. At the same time their must be something so comforting about a place where everyone knows you. For me anywhere less than ten million people seems a small town. The Stalker asked if I wanted to go up to Liverpool or Glasgow as they seem to have so memories and I just knew I would find them limiting. Still who knows might be nice to see some of the places I lived in before.

Rock Me Amadaeus - The madcap Austrian Falco, anyone who was around then will remember how Amadeus was such a huge movie. The video for this song is great Falco who was a great musician, (der Kommisar, Jennie), Normally looks so suave and when he walks into the biker bar dressed as Mozart would, you know he is for real. Then he returns to his usual smooth self. The Extended mix is best.

Against All Odds - Today was a good day, but my brooding nature is never too far away. A Phil Collins record, I could be deported for less, but lets put it in perspective. I did used to be a banker although not when this was released.And I also got into this song because of the great film it was in. James Woods was always one of my favourite actors and back then I had such a crush on Rachel Ward. The car chase scene sums up how I lived most of my late twenties to mid thirties - breakneck speed. And the scenes in Mexico remind me of the heat and passion I found when I slowed down, although I never went to those Aztec pyramids, looks like it may be another for the bucket list.

I Say A Little Prayer - the Bomb The Bass remix, nothing like Dionne Warwick, this song starts off with an icy cold relentless drum pattern and the, fabulous female singer breaks in. In my imagination, the girl works in a chemist or something in Peckham or some other dump and she spends her time wishing she could have the chances to break out.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Razorblade Love

2010-06-28T12:39:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -370.15 GBP so far

Today's Booze: one bottle of Bells Whiskey, which I hate but it was there.

Today's Soundtrack: The Pretenders

The Stalker is off doing more charity work, Christ I know she lost twenty million plus in the credit crunch, but she could ease a lot of my problems with just a wave of her hand. She is working with children with cerebral palsy for the next two weeks so it seems stupid of me to drop any hints and anyway I would never directly ask her for a hand-out. She asked me "Don't you care about anyone Else's feelings"? Which has got to be the most stupid question I have been asked since someone tried to sell me Dell stock. Of course I don't. I am the most selfish person in the world and to be frank, I thought that was what attracted her.

My wonderful readers have once again exceeded my expectations with their concern for me, but I think most of them are missing the point of this diary of self-destruction. I have to find out how far I can push it and what comes next. If this life is all there is then the world isn't big enough for me. My rib is healing ok, although there is a huge bruise across my body. That is quite usual for me, since my blood stopped clotting I bruise very easily and for a long time. The boy hasn't contacted me again, but after crying in my beer for a few nights I am over it. He had to break the tie between us, even his son asked him what was wrong with uncle ********.

Today I was listening to The Pretenders. The top five songs I listened to:

I Go To Sleep - For some reason this song reminds me of Russia and my crazy few days in Moscow. Russia was just on the verge of defaulting, but it was still gangstertown. Ideal for someone like me with my less than ethical morals.

Don't Get Me Wrong - Bouncy pop music, but make no mistake, Chrissy Hyde is a bona fide rock chick. This song reminds me of a hot night in Soho, London where I was turned away from a private members drinking club, possibly the easiest three thousand they ever lost. Wound up spending all my money in a few other bars and a great Indonesian restaurant that used to be near Soho Square. I always liked drinking in restaurants.

Hymn to Her - As Kitty says, a Mothers love is unconditional. I'll tell you something though, my mother and I are far too similar and I can read her like a book. I'll bet you all the Tea in China I can stop her having anything to do with me in less than five minutes.

Brass in Pocket - reminds me of when I was poor and I still had something to fight for.

I'll Stand By You - A song about supporting other people, something I never did enough of and something I will have to answer for. The Stalker thinks she is a lot like me, The Lunatic even more so but they are not. I am not special they are.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Dissapointing Everyone

2010-06-26T22:11:00.003+01:00

Wow, just got a call from my younger brother, he scolded me for my manic drinking yesterday and said he can tell on the phone I am drunk now. he said he will give me some cash to trade with or drink myself to death or whatever, just to go away. I love my brother more than anything else and I have dissapointed him. Looks like I have finally driven everyone away from me. I am finding this hard to take right now but I hope he really knows what he is saying because while I am hurt now, in a couple of days I will be over it.

I knew this was going to end this way , I didn't expect him to abandon me. I have always been able to count on him None of the women mattered or even my parents but he was always my last resort. Even so I had planned on being far away from him when I died.

Neon Lonliness

2010-06-26T17:04:00.003+01:00

Yesterdayss P&L: GBP 210.00

Yesterdays Booze: 1 750cl bottle of Vodka, 12 Talisker Whiskey

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Not much as I was out most of the day.

So the Stalker called me again, mind you it was two am and her primary interest was finding out if I was screwing, my doctor, which I am not but have been vocal in how good she is. The doc is unhappy with some of the diagnosis given to me by the hospital, however she readily admits she knows little about liver disease. Anyway she is very supportive and I guess I do have a little bit of a crush on her. I also had to endure a two hour call from my mother, which she can't afford and it all made me realise that no matter how tough I think I am, I am absolutely starved for affection. Luckily The Stalker cured me of this by threatening to kill me if she ever saw me lose it the way I did the other day. I am not scared off her in the slightest, She is a black belt in Karate and a gold belt in some Indonesian martial art, but I have already taken a few blows from her and laughed it off. If it was the Lunatic, I would be heading for the airport.

Anyway I got into a brawl in Windsor, I don't understand quite why this happened as I haven't had a dust-up in years. Most people know enough to avoid someone like me. So I took a few punches, and considering my osteonecrosis, seems one of my ribs is broken, luckily it wasn't over my liver but it is over my spleen and pancreas. I am not going to bother going to the hospital because in my limited experience, (I have only broken my ribs a few times), there is little they can do and to be honest. I am just sick of hospitals - I have spent most of the first half of this year in one hospital or another.

Not sure what to do about my mother, she keeps sending me food packages from Waitrose and if she finds out I am back on the hard stuff she will be heartbroken. My father says I am making his life impossible as all my mother does is mope around worrying about me. I know she feels guilty about what happened to me as a child on her watch, but none of this new shit is her fault. Maybe its true what they say about a mothers love but I still don't see it - I have hardly been a good son.

Just scalped a few points trading yesterday all on the FTSE 100 contract.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Should I Care?

2010-06-23T19:00:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00 yet

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of dry cider
Today's Soundtrack: hmmmmmmmm

No profit today, due to the small volumes trading I have put in place a straddle option on the Dow 30.

Haven't heard from the Stalker again, looks like I really did scare her off. Good luck, maybe she will be better off with her ex husband. He is Scandinavian and very cold by all accounts. I don't think she needs someone like me in her life. So as expected I will have to write an alternative bucket list that is just for me.

As the markets where so pitiful today I listened to a lot of music but I have decided to talk abut the songs that remind me of, what I remember, the greatest loves of my life. They are ot in any order as to preference just which songs I listened to the most.

Dancing Queen - The Princess, to me she was just a kid. I had rarely been out with anyone younger than me and she was ten years younger. It was surprising how little we had in common apart from sex. I met her shortly after the Lunatic and was quite happy to be with someone sane. She had such a good soul,all she wanted to do was help people. Her family were the major Catholic minority in Thailand. There is nothing bad to say about her, my favourite memory of The Princess is bullying her on a race track in Pattaya. My worst memory is seeing her cry when the doctor told her the extent of my ankle injuries.

The Winner Takes It All - The Stalker. She is a woman who only plays for all the money on the table. Her and I have such history, but there is this seventeen year gap when we were apart. I had no idea what her life was like and she had none about mine. I only found out when I met her again about her cancer. The thing about the Stalker is she is an absolute fighter. Very little impresses her as she has been quite wealthy most her life. I know she always loved me, but I doubt she realised what an asshole I can be. My favorite memory of the stalker, New Years Eve in Trafalgar Square a long time ago, drinking and having great sex. My worst memory, Just the other day when I let her see my bad side.

Wuthering Hights - This song probably more than any reminds me of the Lunatic. She would probably say Fairytale of New York, but this reminds me of her. Fairytale of Ney York was a song we both enjoyed together. Wuthering Hights reminds me of her, to be honest, totally insanity. The song and the book it is based on is filled with so much passion, I can't think of any other way to describe the woman. Seemed like she was so full of emotion that she was always on the edge of rationale thought. I didn't help her as if anything, I am worse although without her raw emotions. My favourite memory of the Lunatic, When I strolled in to one of her restaurants, looking like I had been away for three minutes, after a year and a half. I don't think I have ever felt such an outpouring of emotion. My worst memory, too many to mention, but I'll go for when she first sliced open the artery in her thigh. Even now I remember the blood pumping out of her and all because she felt I hadn't paid her enough attention.

The Promise You Made - Brilliant song by Cock Robin, reminds me of the Turk. My only muslim girlfriend. She was impossibly good looking, the kind of girl that attracts attention wherever she goes and I was a little below par when I met her. Still, promises were made, rules were broken- I don't have anything bad to say about her. Best memory When I had sex with her, (not made love - this was filthy sex), in a side street of The Notting Hill Carnival to an appreciative audience. The worst memory, not many to be honest probably an argument we had when I was too tired to screw her.

Rain Or Shine - This song reminds me of the Italian, she is the first girl I can actually remember having a boy/girl friend relationship with. She was a few months older than me but one of those girls that was physically more developed than all the other girls at school. She was always cheerful and had a beautiful smile. In the video for this song, the singer really reminds me of her. OK Suzy wasn't black but she clearly had some ethnicity in her. My best memory of the Italian, walking her home after a party as the dawn came up. My worst memory, possibly my lowest moment and the deepest scar on my soul. Me forcing her to have an abortion, something even now I am not happy to talk about.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Reach Out, Touch Faith

2010-06-21T20:57:00.006+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 410.00

Today's Booze: 4 Pints of Dry Cider

Today's Soundtrack: The Who

Back at home and only one of my monitors is working. Trading remains difficult for me, not sure if my heart just isn't in it or if my brand of arrogance stops me seeing the obvious. Haven't really been keeping in touch with the news so I shouldn't trade, (its sort of like jumping into a river if you can't swim).

The stalker and I have fallen out after she saw the side of me I rarely show to other people. I have a quick, almost rabid temper. Whilst I would never hit her, (which I think she knew), she was a little shocked at how quickly and violently my temper can change. All this time she knew me, she only ever saw my placid side. I cool down pretty quickly but for a few moments I can be quite scary. She will never understand that this side of me has saved me on a few occasions.

Anyway, sitting alone after she left I came across this story on the bloomberg:

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-06-21/family-sells-2-million-mansion-gives-half-to-charity-review.html

This really gave me hope, if a little girl can see the inequalities in our society, maybe we aren't all destined to die in our own iniquity. Maybe it is people like me who grew up, hungry for more who are the dinosaurs.

Listened to The Who mostly today. The oddest band ever, The drummer plays as if he is a keyboard player and the bassist plays like a lead guitarist. The guitarist/songwriter fits in around them and the singer is a classic rock star torch singer. It shouldn't work but it does.

Won't Get Fooled Again - I never saw The Who live, but my first memory of this song is when they performed it at Live Aid. There was so much obvious resentment between Daltry and Townshend it looked like they might swap blows on stage, (The Police are a little like this. Always simmering tension).

Real Good Looking Boy - OK, Keith was dead when this was recorded but it is still a great song. It seems to me to be a song of teenage ambition and that moment when you realise you are a guy who can attract women. I always thought the "him" his mother refers to in the lyrics, "She said, 'Son, well, you know, you're ugly boy. You don't really look like him. In this long line, there's been some real strange genes. You've got 'em all. You've got 'em all. With some extras thrown in", was Elvis. What mother would say that to her son? Might explain some of the obvious hostility of Pete Townshend.

Love Reign O'Er Me - Love brings the rain. From Quadrophenia. "On the dry and dusty road, the nights we spend apart alone. I need to get back home to cool cool rain. The nights are hot and black as ink, I can't sleep and I lay and I think Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain". For me this song is always coloured by the movie. The story of a sixties England I never knew but the pigeonholing of people into jobs that never suited them is something I am glad I avoided.

Behind Blue Eyes - From the classic Who's Next. In view of what I admitted about my irrational anger, quite a fitting song for me. Difference is this song sounds like someone is asking for pity. When I rage, even for just a flash. I don't look for pity. I must admit I have almost always kept this side of me away from people who know me and the look of shock on the Stalkers face was genuine. Now she has had a glimpse of my Mr Hyde character, I doubt I will see her again.

You Better, You Bet - The first Who record I brought. Another one after Keith died. Their new drummer, from The Faces, I think, was really good but nothing like Keith Moon. A really commercial song from this rock band , but it still has the urgency at the end. If love isn't worth making a fool of yourself over, then it really isn't worth having in my opinion.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Everybody Pays - Sooner Or Later

2010-06-18T02:33:00.005+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 0.00

Yesterdays Booze: No grog in hospital

Yesterdayss Soundtrack: Not much music either but I have my laptop and listned mostly to The Stones and Led Zep.

You know, I hate this shit. I really hate being in hospital. Don't get me wrong the UK is the best country in the world to get sick in but all this being pushed around, bullied by nurses, prodded by student doctors - I hate this shit. First I had my ultrasound scan, Christ I don't know this woman she looks around my age. I hope I didn't screw her daughter because she pushed that fucking scan thing so deep into my stomach I thought it would come out my ass. Then I got moved between two wards for no apparant reason apart from finding me a ward with the most moaning, screwed up patients on it. First one was ok, but the second one was like being moved to a housing scheme where all your neighbours are senior citizen crackheads with asbos. I am going to request to go to the morgue - at least its quiet there.

At least i'll be out very soon, the shortage of available livers is so high that there is no way I can even be considered for a while. Maybe I deserve all this, The Princess used to say "You are unkind" every now and again to me and she wasn't wrong I was never a good hearted person. You grow up alone enough and you develop a certain "me angainst the world mentality". That doesn't explain my continuing inability to show emotion, at this point I should understand the need for emotional support more than most.

They say a man discovers himself at the worst of times, but I don't believe that. People give up. This world grinds most of us down, we don't know it, but its happening. Our latest government tells us that in order to restore fiscal responsibility we are all going to have to shoulder our share of the burden. It's not like British people haven't heard this before. In The First World War, The Great Depression and The Second World War we were told to carry our share. I doubt many people saw any relatives of David Cameron going over the top in the trenches. As usual, The British government really means you will have to bear the burden. Fair enough, spin out the old blitz spirit speech again but the politicians should know by now that if you expect joe public to fight, then he has to have something to believe in. When I watch television programs about world war two, it almost seems that everyone knew they were fighting against the evil despot and his final solution, but that wasn't the case. The great and the good knew all about the holocaust but the ordinary people didn't. The economic disaster the government is manoveuring us into is another blind ally, although without the tragic loss of life, (mind you the rationale for the final solution, dodgy eugenics aside was the destroyed economy of Germany). People don't understand why we are facing hard times, and when they really bite, they will look for someone to blame.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Could Be Worse

2010-06-16T12:09:00.008+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -420.00

Yesterdays Booze: 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Yesterdays Soundtrack: More R&B

Well, despite the depressing news the other day, I actually get to find out more soon. I am going for an ultrasound and possibly CT scan tomorrow. It should be clearer as most of the excess fluid in my body has gone now. I will then see a Gastric consultant who will refer me to a liver specialist who will then put me on a transplant list. The doctor I spoke to before confirmed I have pancreatic cancer but the liver situation is more confusing. Due to the indistinct scans, they haven't been able to identify the scarring they normally associate with cirrhosis, but my blood results are so deranged that cancer is the only other likely option as leukaemia has been ruled out. It is frustrating that these things take so long as time could be short. Having said that the last time I was told I could die was the first time I was hospitalised when the doctor there said "you look healthy, but your the sickest person here and could die any second" - that was two years ago!

Still, the news isn't good or likely to get better, apparently the pancreas is quite important as well, I thought it was an easy organ to do without - but I must have been thinking of the spleen. So the bucket list is on. The problem is thinking about things I haven't done. I haven't been up Corcovado Mountain in Rio to see the statue of The Saviour. Even leaving my faith aside, from the pictures I have seen it is an incredible sight. Only thing is I don't know if the Stalker would go. She hasn't been to Brazil, (I have really only been to Sao Paulo and Santos), and even though she was born a Catholic she has lost her faith. I want to go down with a Great White Shark and I am sure she would be up for that. I haven't been to the Great Wall of China either, although I don't know if she has. As you can see these things have a tendency to be expensive, but a rough plan for when we found out more about our relative health situations seems to be heading from the UK, through Europe towards Asia, through Fiji, (which I know she wants to visit), and around to the Americas.

Anyway, I have cheered up a great deal. Thanks for all the kind words from my readers - it really helped.I am looking on the bright side more now, only two things are bothering me, one I will need to make some serious coin as I would expect the Stalker to leave whatever she has left to her children and two, despite the relatively low likelihood of the doctors finding a donor liver, I really don't think I deserve it. If it is hard for me to get one, there must be other people with my blood group that it is equally difficult to find a match. If it happens, this is something I shall have to give some serious thought.

Listened to more R&B music Yesterday. The top five tracks:

Georgia On My Mind - Etta Jones is another one of my favourite artists, she also had some voice. But was almost always mistaken for the far more successful Etta James. Ok, she is more of a jazz singer than anything else but this is a great track reminds me of missing places and people.

Don't Leave Me This Way - Harold Melvin is in top form here. "Don't Leave me this way, a broken man with empty hands, oh baby please, please don't leave me this way". Considering the allegedly misogynistic nature of most of the big R&B/soul artists. They sure know how to turn on the sweet talk.

Village Ghetto Land - "Families buying dog food now, starvation roams the street. Babies die before they are born, infected by the grief. Now some folks say that we should be glad for what we have, tell me would you be happy in Village Ghetto Land".
Little Stevie Wonder apart from being a genius had such a strong social conscience.

Money - The Gladys Knight and The Pips version, Gladys is obviously a gospel singer. it is funny when you compare her "money is the root of all evil" song, compared to the sardonic, but also celebratory songs about cash like Money from Pink Floyd. Someone I spoke to in Memphis told me once that black people didn't really understand money before, people like Gladys, Arethra and Marvyn had never encountered real wealth so even small things seemed impressive to some of them. That is why the record companies could exploit them. I guess it's true even now. Chris Rock in his live show said "there is a difference between rich and wealthy, Shaq is rich - the white guy who signs his check is wealthy". I guess that is true all over the world.

Ain't No Sunshine - Al Jarreau, but seems everyone has done a version of this song. Does a broken hearted song get anymore plaintive than this?

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Beauty Of Rome, The Genius Of Venice

2010-06-14T15:43:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 980.00

Today's Booze: One Litre of Stolychnaya vodka, 750cl of Patron tequila - No point in giving up now.

Today's Soundtrack: All sad songs

I hear the Seven Deadly Sins
And the Terrible Twins came to call on you
The bigger they are babe
The harder they fall on you
And you you're always the same you persevere
On the same old pleasure ground
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

You had no more volunteers
So you got profiteers for to help you out
With friends like that babe
Good friends you had to do without
And now they're taken the chains and the gears
From off your merry-go-round
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

And your new Romeo
Was just a gigolo when he let you down
See the faster they are babe
The faster they get out of town
Leaving make up stains and the tears
Of a clown
Yes and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

Oh you were just a roller coaster memory
I don't know why I was even passing through
I saw you making a date with Destiny
When he came around here asking after you
In the shadow of the Wheel Of Fortune
You're busy trying to clear your name
You say ' I may be guilty yeah that may be true
But I'd be lying if I said I was to blame
See we could have been major contenders
We never got no money no breaks '
You're got a list of all the major offenders
You got a list of all their major mistakes
And he's just standing in the shadows
Yes and you smile that come-on smile
Oh I can still hear you say as clear as the day
" I'd like to make it worth your while "

Ah but it's sad reminder
When your organ grinder has to come to you for rent
And all you've got to give him
Is the use of your side-show tent
Yes and that's all that remains of the years
Spent doing the rounds
And I never never rains around here
Well it just comes pouring down

Now you know what they say about beggars
You can't complain about the rules
You know what they are about beggars
You know who's the first to blame his tools
You never gave a damn about who you pick up
And leave laying bleeding on the ground

You screw people over on the way up
Because you thought that you were never coming down
And he takes you out in Vaudeville Valley
With his hand up smothering your screams
And he screws you down in Tin Pan Alley
In the city of a billion dreams

So, the jig is up, finally got some results back from the quacks and I have secondary liver and primary pancreatic cancer. The prognosis isn't great, but nobody is sure, best case they think eighteen months, worst case tonight. Of course they want to hospatilise me but I'll be damned if I spend my last few weeks or months in a hospital. I am dubious when they say this as they have been wrong before and they still can't identify the size or the locations of the lesions on my liver. I have a six millimeter shadow on the left lobe - doesn't sound so bad to me. If it is true, then I can't complain - my life hasn't been that bad. I can't tell my parents. I have put them through too much lately and anyway there was never any chance I would take their offer of a liver transplant. I don't have the same blood group as my mother and my father is just too old. Telling them the bad news will just ruin whatever is left of their lives. I have to hope I live longer than them.

Do I blame the booze? not at all, I have drunk so much in my life, but no one forced it down my throat. I am a grown up, and am willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. I will say that if drinking can damage someone like me then some drinkers out there should watch out. I have a hugely strong constitution, mind you I drank more than most. Sometimes, I didn't even know how much I was drinking but my father claims he once witnessed me drinking eight liters of spirits in one day. I know the day he is talking about. It was a heavy drinking day for me followed by the birthday of one of his friends, down in Spain. Sure I drank a lot but I didn't think it was that much. He says he has never seen anyone drink the way I do. One of my few friends also said that, well he said "you just drink until someone dies" and he came from a long line of Irish alcoholics. I can't hate the booze though, most of my great times have happened when I was slightly drunk. Very few people my age have experienced drinking in a tin shack bar in Lagos and a few years later sharing a cocktail with the ex president of America. - Christ, I am not immortal, what a shocker. I really thought I was.

Still, I will continue to write the dipso diaries as long as I can or as often as I can as The Stalker, who is also terminal is talking about her and I doing a bucket list. The bucket list is a fascinating idea for me as I obviously think I have done everything, any suggestions? There are some things I can't do such as sky diving as the landing would shatter my ankles and I have no time left for rehab. Remember, I have Osteoncrosis. I can't swim very well but one of the things on my provisional list is that going down in a cage to see a great white shark. Don't get all emotional and tell me I should make my peace with my parents or my older brother - that isn't likely to happen. The charity thing, done it. Although nowhere near as much as I should have and nothing compared to the stalker. I wanted to learn how to fly, but I doubt I have time for that.

The Stalker is also unreliable, not her fault, but those years we were apart she had a husband and two children. I wouldn't deny her the right to spend what time she has left with her family. She has prepared for this, after her first diagnosis with cancer she effectively transferred parenting of her children to her husband. As I have learned saying it and doing it are far different things.

Suppose I should also start thinking what to do with the few assets I have left. there is the small house in Windsor and the villa in Spain and I think I still have an apartment in a dodgy area of South East London, but you know it suddenly seems so unimportant. The place in Spain is leased out but I may just liquidate the rest for the funds to spend on the bucket list. The stalker and I don't fly at the back of the plane. I doubt Mastercard or Visa will approve but what am I going to do? Worry about paying my debts? You know, the fight is over - they won, now they can try and reclaim any money I owe them from my ashes.

I'd like to thank anyone who ever read this blog, ok only eleven followers but quite a few anonymous readers. Sorry I didn't have any great insights or that I was really just writing about my own selfish life. One day this blog will dissapear into the internet dust. I was always genuine though, I started writing about my self destruction, just happened quicker than I thought. I am not Elvis or Mozart, I am just a ghost of the man I used to be. The thing that bothers me most is that I didn't do enough with my life. As Tom Cruise would say in Collateral, "Guy gets on the subway and dies. Think anybody'll notice"? And as Truman would say:

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Dancing With Myself

2010-06-12T15:38:00.010+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00

Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of Red Stripe lager

Today's Soundtrack: Eighties pop/rock

Well, that was brilliant. I must have caught my leg on the corner of a bed or nail or something. One of the grafts on my calf has a tear in it and there are a few patches of black skin. I can't handle another three weeks in hospital. Next week I get to see another bunch of doctors who might finally have some answers for me that don't involve a liver transplant. If the necrotising skin grows in size then I will be back in the local hospital and miss that appointment. Seems meaningless anyway as they have already told me they can't do another graft on my leg. Whatever happens - I have to keep it quiet from my family. The old folks have gone on a cruise and I know my mother will demand to be flown back to the UK if she finds out I am hospitalised for the fifth time in six months. I cant show the stalker either, despite her medical training, because she just got released from hospital and has practically no immune system right now. So looks like I am on my own.

The Princess has, apparently, got married to some older dude. Some Japanese guy in his fifties. It's difficult for me to remember she is only ten years younger than me so she is getting on a bit by Asian standards. In my mind she will always be twenty three. They had the Thai ceremonies at her family compound and across the river at the Oriental. Not a cheap place to get married. I think the Japanese ceremony was in Kyoto. I am glad for her, I have no bad feelings towards her at all, she was a lovely girl and I hope she is happy, she never needed someone like me in her life.

I was reflecting on life a little. If you could get another chance, what would you do different? I would be interested in hearing from any readers if there is anything they would do differently. For myself I doubt anything would change, I would probably be locked in this self-destructive cycle no matter what. But judging by the comments I have had on this blog, most readers are a little more sensible than me.

Listened to more eighties music today. The top five tracks:

Don't Need A Gun - Has anybody ever had anything good to say about Billy Idol? Personally, I like his music. There is no great message behind it, it is rock'nroll party music. Billy Idol made a lot of money with a sneer and a bad attitude, but then this was in the days before America's got talent and Pop Idol. Ok, I would trust Myleene Klass to look after my children, but I'd rather go on a night out with Billy.

Hold Me Now - The Thompson Twins, a great song. "You ask If I love you, Well what can I say". Why do girls need to hear it so much and why is it so hard for men to say?

Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues, "Then we sang a song, the rare old mountain dew, I turned my face away and dreamed about you". Not very seasonal but the song that reminds me of the lunatic more than any other. The single most hostile and passionate love affair I ever had. Sooner or later though, you get tired of checking she hasn't cut your balls off when you wake up.

Snow On The Sahara - Don't know if this was released in Europe or if it is from the eighties, but quite a big hit in Asia for the Indonesian singer Anggun. I love this song because it is full of the mystery of the east and also the myth, (and truth), about why so many white men are entranced by Asian women. "If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts, I'll hold you up and be your way out, And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara ". Check out the video on you tube. Angunn is so exotic. Reminds me of a lost weekend in Jakarta. Asians are calm and quiet on the outside and avoid confrontation, but they are very tempestuous. I love Asia, especially South East Asia, but you can imagine how my lack of depth went down. In a society where closeness is welcomed I could have been from another planet. The Lunatic is a good example, often everyone, including her servants would end up sleeping in the same room, despite their not only being several bedrooms but also four adjoined houses - all empty.

I've Been Losing You - aHA, anyone remember them? Norwegian pop idols. "Now in the mirror stands half a man, I thought no one could break". Reminds me of drinking at lunch hour when I was in school. The nearest pub had this on the juke box. Scandinavians are a little fascinating to me. They seem so indifferent to so much. But their passionate nature must run deep. I thought no one could break me, but I am beginning to suspect I may be weaker than I thought.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Kindness Of Strangers

2010-06-10T12:37:00.003+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 230.00

Yesterdays Booze: bottle of rioja

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Simple Minds

Markets are crazy just now and I just don't have the resources to trade them properly but I bet some hedge funds are making a fortune. Didn't take long for the Greek contagion to spread to Spain. The American deficit is about to exceed its GDP. GDP or gross domestic product is a bit of an odd indicator as nobody is really sure about the accuracy of the number. In the case of Uncle Sam it is generally around fourteen trillion dollars and global output is about forty five trillion dollars. America is clearly in a shocking fiscal situation. Even the British Empire, exhausted after the cost of the first world war and maintaining the cost of an empire that covered a quarter of the world wasn't so indebted. Something has to give sooner or later.

Someone I don't know recently gave me something. I am always amazed at random gestures of affection, and every time they crack me up. I am the guy who has a tear in his eye when he unexpectedly receives a birthday present at work. A lot of people think my family must have been unnecessarily harsh when I was a child, but this isn't the case. I have avoided people on situations like this since I was about eleven years old. I guess I am essentially a very selfish person, but it's more than that. One of my many ex girlfriends, the princess, said I seem to hate the possibility of being happy, even for just a moment. She may have been right. She claimed that I wasn't a real person, that I was hollow inside. This isn't true, I do feel happiness, I just find it hard to express it.

Today mostly I was listening to Simple Minds. South side boys, like me I suppose. Like U2, (who would go on to much bigger things), they have a Celtic flair for the dramatic. The top five songs I listened to:

See The Lights - "I want to tell you love, I'm too proud to cry". Soft rock, but this really appeals to me. I wonder how many people go through life regretting their pride and what it cost them.

Waterfront - Many Scottish people have a natural affection for the sea. it's been part of my life forever. I have never lived far from the water, even if it was only the dirty old Thames rolling through London. When I was a child, the waterfront was the docks and when we would go there we were either meeting my father or joining one of his ships - I'll never forget the activity, the smells and the endless possibilities. Nowadays they wharfs are quiet and filled by office workers or full of apartments.

Belfast Child - Simple Minds are one of those bands with social conscience, but the problems that happened in Ireland are very close to Glaswegians as so many of us have Irish relatives. Isn't that so absurdly English to call the situation there "the troubles". What I remember most about Belfast was how the ordinary people just treated everything like normal, children wouldn't interrupt their game just because a group of soldiers was moving through them or an armoured personnel carrier was moving past them.

Don't You Forget About Me - The huge hit from the movie Breakfast Club. I remember seeing them in concert somewhere in Europe, probably at some stadium in Italy and the guitarist standing on a speaker ripping out the opening chords - brilliant.

Theme For Great Cities - An instrumental song, in the eighties bands would often throw in these kind of songs as fillers but this one is different. Back when I used to drive, I remember having this on the stereo as I drove around the m25. What is it about cities that draws us to them, the need to be with other people? I am sure I would be happy without them but I love the heartbeat of a busy city, crossing London bridge at eight thirty in the morning knowing you don't have to go to work, walking down Sukhumvit in Bangkok as everyone ignores you. Only in great cities can you be surrounded by millions of people yet still be alone.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

No Tears, No Fears

2010-06-03T23:14:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -390.00

Today's Booze: 4 pints of Aspinall Cider

Today's Soundtrack: Prefab Sprout

No Tears, No Fears, it's the line most people remember from Liars Poker, a book about long defunct bank Salomon Brothers. Liars poker is a game almost every trader plays, betting on the serial numbers of bank notes. We used to do it to find out who had to buy the first round, but its mainly to kill time, (trading is often long periods of boredom with brief flashes of activity). The phrase "No Tears, No Fears" means no recrimination if you lose, in other words if you are worried about losing - don't play the game. I think life is like that. don't take risks, then whine about the outcome, (which seems odd as this blog is mostly a whining session about how hard my life is). Indulge me, I never said I was perfect.

Am I afraid of losing? I guess so, who isn't? I think I am more afraid of underachieving, which I know I have. This bothers me even more than letting down my family. My mother actually had a cab driver come around to check I was still alive, this is absurd, she can't protect me anymore - "No Tears, No Fears".

I lost five hundred pounds on the Brent Crude contract today, partially offset by a short position on the Dow. I think people haven't thought this BP thing through. An awful lot of oil companies had projected future earnings on deep offshore drilling off the American continental shelf, which seems unlikely now. We have had oil at over one hundred dollars a barrel in in the past and see no reason why it can't happen again. Trading oil is tricky though as it's margin requirements are high.

Today I was listening to Prefab Sprout. The top five songs I listened to:

The King Of Rock And Roll - How obvious that I would love this. Paddy McAloon claims to have written it in twenty minutes. Just long enough to walk down Lonely Street. "All my lazy teenage boasts are now high precision ghosts, and there coming round the track, to haunt me. When she looks at me and laughs, I remind her of the facts - I'm the king of rock and roll, completely".

Cars And Girls - Some things matter more than cars and girls, but try telling that to a teenage male.

When Love Breaks Down - It's true, "absence makes the heart lose weight". A song that reminds me of all the girls who swore they would never forget me and don't even recall my name anymore.

Life Of Surprises - Why do I feel there are no surprises left for me?

I Remember That - "Maybe words never spoken, aren't they the ones worth hearing"? I really have nothing more to say about this song.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The suffering, the sweet, sweet suffering

2010-06-02T04:32:00.002+01:00

You know, its four thirty am in the morning here and I can't sleep because of the pain in my legs. Whats the answer I need to drink to numb the pain but if I do, I am going to die that much quicker.

Any advice?

If it doesn't kill you...

2010-06-01T23:14:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -290.00

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: No music really

Bad trading day today, nobodies fault but mine. I read the market wrong from the start. The futures were down and I sold out at he bottom. I hate this, I know I am a better trader than this, OK my arrogance often gets the better of me but I shouldn't make such amateurish mistakes. I am getting very frustrated with my lack of success.

Feeling quite lonely since the parents departed, the stalker is still in hospital, so I am home alone. It's probably a good thing as my sex drive is still quite low, the doctors think it is because of the enormous stresses placed on my body recently. I just think that it's due to my poor trading, I always feel more virile when I am winning. It is odd because the stalker has, if anything, a higher sex drive despite being unwell. She seems OK about it but every now and again reminds me that when we first went out I made love to her all night until she couldn't breath. God, that was a lifetime and three hundred or so partners ago for me.

Thinking about my family history recently, I barely know my immediate family, let alone my grandparents, who are all dead. My father says I was the pride of his father, although he died before my first accident so, I can't remember him at all. Apparently he was quite the character. Since my father came from such a poor background, I assumed he would be poor also, although how much down from Govan you can go I am not sure. Turns out this wasn't the case his father was a White Russian Jew and the family had a major business on the Southside of Glasgow. Nothing was left to my grandfather however as he married a Roman Catholic and, like most white Russians, they were jews. His adventures in the war, make me laugh, as he was clearly a man like me. He had persuaded all his friends to sign up for the territorial army in order to collect the bounty they then paid, assuring them that there was no chance of war. Within the month, they were in France. His friends spent most of their time trying to hunt him down. When they were evacuated from Dunkirk, it was just prior to payday and the place that stored the British mens wages was behind German lines, so he had a plot to rob the bank, which he and his brother achieved, unfortunately the cash held was BFPO money and not only was it useless back home they would be given the death sentence for having stolen it, so they dumped it over the side of the ship. He then had a dubious army career in North Africa before finally ending up in Greece. My grandmother, possibly one of the fiercest women I have ever encountered, finally demanded he came home in nineteen forty seven, which was two years after the war ended.

I wonder how I would have done in the war. I am not the heroic type, so I doubt I would do well. Through bad timing and circumstance I have been through three uprisings, that could have turned into civil wars. I seem to have inherited the uncanny sixth sense my father has for desperate situations although I lack his ability to know exactly when to cut and run. Which is why I know what it feels like to have the barrel of a Kalashnikov against the back of my head and he doesn't.

As I said yesterday I was going to watch some movies and i re watched The Killing Fields. This film always makes me cry. You know the Cambodians had a very pure form of Buddhism and who could have thought they of all people would commit the atrocity of year zero. I have been to Cambodia a few times and I'll be honest I love it there but its a desperate place. A whole generation wiped out. When you are sitting in the foreign corespondents bar in Phnom Pen, you can see how beautiful the country and people are. Of course there were very few Westerners in the country when the Khmer Rouge were in charge but anyone who reads the autobiography of Haing S Ngor, who played Dith Prang will realise how accurate the film was. His description of the water torture in the forest, with the discarded embryos and babies in the trees will stick in my mind forever. Also when he says the look on the young girls face when she breaks the vine he tried to grow, sent a chill down his spine. I was lucky enough to avoid such situations, but I still remember being held at gunpoint by Kopassus soldiers in Indonesia and the lunatic ex telling me, "whatever you do - don't get on your knees because then they will shoot you".

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Did You Cook My Rabbit?

2010-05-31T13:27:00.005+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 90.00 - doesn't anyone work any more?

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: Dire Straits, (again)!

So, it didn't take long for us to find out the true colours of our new leadership. Laws, (supposedly smart as can be), seemingly wasn't smart enough to realise that giving forty thousand pounds to his gay lover might be viewed negatively after the expense account fiasco. What are they teaching them in Cambridge these days? He used to run the fx business at BZW in my day, but that was back in the days when the investment banking arm of Barclays was considered a bad joke. They used to have their offices in a converted multi-story car park, it may have been on London Bridge, but no matter how hard you squinted it still looked like a car park. I suppose I should have some sympathy for his struggles as a homosexual Catholic, but to be honest I don't. A lot of the press is making much of the fact that he struggled with his sexuality and weeping crocodile tears on his behalf. If he had been straight the same people would be much more hostile.

I was watching some movies today, whilst I don't watch much tv, I am easily transfixed by the movies. I watched Local Hero, this is another movie that I am kind of obsessed with and is stored on my hard drives. I am not sure why I love this move, it presents a view of Scotland that I don't know but wish I did. The small town contrasts with the American oil executives lifestyle so much. And, of course, the setting is beautiful. When the American, Mac, is leaving Houston, he is trying to find someone to go on a farewell drink with - nobody has time for him, I have been in this situation so many times. But the part that kills me is when he returns to his apartment and looks out the window, he places the shells he has collected from the beach as Going Home by Mark Knopfler plays. As most markets are closed today, I shall probably waste my time watching more movies tonight. Collateral will probably get a viewing as I usually only sleep three hours.

More bad news on the health front, just discovered a swelling on the shin of my right leg, it maybe I just banged it but it looks ominously similar to what happened before. If it is, it means I will lose the leg. The doctors said it was touch and go when I lost most of my calf and there simply isn't enough tissue left to do anymore grafts. I can't believe my body is letting me down this way.

Today I was listening to Dire Straits. The top five songs I listened to:

Private Investigations - Sleazy music noir. Does a rock band get any more cinematic?
"I go checking out the reports, digging up the dirt - You get to meet all sorts, in this line of work".

Espresso Love - Young love, just like espresso - quick, hot, strong and can burn you. Reminds me of long summer nights in the West End. Me and The stalker in Leicester Square in nineteen ninety two drinking tequila.

Sultans Of Swing - It's always the Sultans. A song that reminds me of what I dreamed about back when I didn't wake up in a sweat. The Stalker says I constantly moan and occasionally, scream in my sleep. Every time I hear this song I am amazed at the guitar playing, it isn't just his speed on the fretboard but his control of dynamics.

Tunnel Of Love - "Girl it looks so pretty to me, just like it always did. Like The Spanish City to me, When we were kids". I have never been to the North East but when I hear this song I imagine what the Spanish City amusement park looked like.

Love Over Gold - I know I talk about money a lot and there was a point in my life when it seemed important. Things have changed, maybe its my health or whatever but money isn't all that important. I would take Love over Gold any day, maybe one day I will find where they mine it.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Wash Away My Sorrow

2010-05-30T19:24:00.006+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP Nothing, its the weekend

Today's Booze: One bottle of Tinto Pesquera 1994

Today's Soundtrack: Luther Vandross

I am still reflective about my parents - didn't think I would miss them half as much as I do. Once again my father was the focus of my attention. This must kill my mother, she has three sons and, as a result of his job, (he would be away roughly nine months of every year), she was often alone and the sole disciplinarian. Added to that my fathers general coolness, it is no wonder he was treated like a rock star by us. I don't have many memories prior to a brain injury caused by my older brother, but I was told by so many people of a time when I was around three when my father had been charged with looking after us during one of his breaks as my mother went shopping. As she drove back into the small drive we lived in, she couldn't help noticing that it seemed awfully quiet for a hot summers day. When she went into the house she said to my father "where are all the children", (back then almost everyone had children so even though there was only thirty or so houses there were plenty of kids around). My father said "Oh they are in the back garden", this wasn't good enough for my mother who went to investigate further. Turns out my dad had got bored with the constant hassle from the children and gone for a smoke and a read - to keep us all distracted he had emptied our goldfish tank into the paddling pool and provided us with bamboo fishing rods with clothes pins as hooks. Apparently every child in the local area was in our back garden trying to catch these poor fish.

The old man used to be stunned about my readiness to take risk, I remember my younger brother, (Mr.Perfect and the apple of my parents eye), telling them where I was when I ended up in Indonesia and my father saying "that can't be right, back in the sixties we would chop through the mooring ropes at night and float in the harbour to provide some protection".

I think my parents were destined to be together, they were actually born within walking distance of each other in Glasgow, but ended up meeting each other in Japan. They have both had extra-ordinary lives and to a certain extent I feel obliged to try and exceed them. They did everything to ensure their children wouldn't have to grow up like did. I remember asking them once, "Have you ever read No Mean City"? and my mother said, "we didn't have to read it son - we lived it". OK the dates are slightly wrong but my dad was born in Govan in nineteen thirty nine, in fact the writer of No Mean City died outside the library across the road from the gym my dad used to box in, (Ibrox - not the gorbals for anyone who is interested).

I wonder if my father ever saw the irony in his boxing for money and then paying a fortune for me to go to a school where I boxed. My parents are both so smart, I have seen my mother hold conversations in three different languages at the same time, but more than that they have a fighting spirit that I can never emulate. My mother or father would never give up on life as easily as I did - That is the biggest difference between us.

Today I was listening to Luther. Of all the big soul singers he is one of my least favourite. I don't know why but I am not alone in this, despite his pitch perfect voice and slick delivery, he will never be held in the same light as Marvin Gaye, Al Green or Otis. The top five songs I listened to:

Dance With My Father - Based on the rest of this post it is a little redundant to explain why I love this song.

Give Me The Reason - One of his biggest hits, with the slick production I love in eighties music. The song is relatively simple, everyone must have had this feeling about a lover who realised she made the wrong choice but it is a showcase for Luther and his vocal gymnastics. Anyone who watches Britain/America has got talent and is impressed by a singer should listen to this.

Superstar - Another song that shows off his voice but lacks any real passion. Maybe that's why Luther spent most of his career as a back-up singer. I never sense the passion from him that I get from listening to Marvin.

So Amazing - This song is like eating a bag of sugar, I would love to see Lemmy from Motorhead do a cover version. I like the sentiment though. I have always been lucky in love despite my terrible personality traits. When I was younger I put it down to the way I look but I am getting on a bit now and still attract no shortage of admirers.

I really Didn't Mean It - A song that takes me back to pub/clubs in the late eighties. Who doesn't like this kind of music? OK it doesn't have any message - this isn't Stevie Wonder or Bobby Womack we are talking about, it is make-out music.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

The Luxury Of Life

2010-05-28T20:29:00.007+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP -285.00

Today's Booze: Eight pints of Stella Artois

Today's Soundtrack: The Electric Light Orchestra

My first loss in what seems ages - kind of hurts, I had almost slipped into my infallible mode. The equity markets are up and for no good reason, other than its the end of the month and the mice that operate the global pension funds have to present their numbers. They don't have to make a lot of money, just beat whatever index the are bench marked against, then they can keep their little jobs and pretend they are "masters of the universe".

The parents have gone and if I am honest, I miss them. They are good people, but they have taken up too much time and money coming to see me. Somehow I doubt I will ever be able to repay the compliment. A lot of people think my parents were a little harsh on me, but it isn't true. Sure there was some toughness, but they brought me up to survive. I knew they always loved me, no matter how much I had let them down. I wish I was strong enough to tell them how much I care about them, hopefully I can make some serious money and give that to them, it's easier for me to show my emotions that way.

My mother gave me a Rosary, she had from the early sixties when she was a diplomat in Japan and still a Catholic. The Japanese are mostly Shinto or Buddhist but are pretty ambivalent about religion. This rosary was from the peace monument in Hiroshima. It is made out of uncultured pearls, I told her I didn't want it but she hid it in one of my jacket pockets anyway. My mother says she doesn't need to be a Catholic, as a committed Christian she can enter any place of Christian worship, but she is aware that I am a Catholic.

I thought for a while about even now how I always end up with exquisite things. For someone with little materialistic gain left inside him, I enjoy the beauty of well-crafted things. The stalker gave me a beautiful Montblanc pen and a leather bound journal to write in that has pages that feel so heavy they make my words seem insignificant. Of course I love my Patek watch and when I still drove I loved my Porsche. I don't however, need any of these things. If I had anything worth writing i can write it as well with a bic biro as a thousand dollar pen. My mother clearly knows I am scared to go to confession, (with good reason), and wants me to reflect on what I owe, not only God but others as well. She no longer needs the iconography but she knows me well enough to know it is one of the few anchors left in my life.

Today I was in retro seventies mood and listening to The Electric Light Orchestra, at one stage the biggest band in the world. The top five on my playlist:

Letter From Spain - Obviously I was thinking about my parents who live there all the time now. I have a house somewhere down there as well. This song seems to be about a guy whose girlfriend left him to live in Spain. "I read the papers this morning. I saw your photograph. You look good in the movie, it must be so much fun. Letter from Spain. From someone I once knew". To me it could be about anyone who goes far away and misses you. Not just a song about someone leaving you, geographically but also leaving you far behind in their career.

Telephone Line - Everyone who has ever been in a relationship, or even just loved someone from afar should listen to this song. "Hello. How are you? Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah". Reminds me of the lunatic ex, who used to phone me from Indonesia just to hear my breath in my sleep.

Mr Blue Sky - One of the all-time feel good songs, not my regular type of music at all. Maybe it's the last verse that appeals to me "Mr. Blue you did it right, but soon comes Mr. Night, creepin' over, now his hand is on your shoulder, Never mind I'll remember you this way." You know I try and shake this darkness that surrounds me but I just can't.

Diary Of Horace Wimp - The song of every single person who is too afraid to take a chance. I guess I was scared when I embarked on a new adventure, although I can't really remember it now. What do you have to lose?

21st Century Man - A song about a man out of time. I feel like this often, it isn't hard to feel like this. "One day you're a hero, next day you're a clown. There's nothing that is in between, now you're a 21st century man. You should be so happy, you should be so glad. So why are you so lonely, you 21st century man"? I am not really into science fiction but the idea of a someone waking up after a period of suspended animation of going forward into time fascinates me. After all, think about how adrift, someone from the eighteen hundreds would feel in our time.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Better Be Good To Me

2010-05-26T23:08:00.003+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 270.00

Today's Booze: Two two litre bottles of dry cider

Today's Soundtrack: Tina Turner

There was money to be made today but not much, The futures had priced so much in, it may have been a better day to go and drink a bottle of good wine by the river. I made a few pounds shorting the DOW30 contract and lost a bit by getting into sell trade on the Euro when it was really at the bottom of the market.

My mother gave me her going away lecture today. She is quite a serious Christian and thinks I am wrestling with my internal demons. She wants to save me and doesn't accept I may be beyond saving. My mother has had a good life and she is no fool so she knows the temptations I have had, after all she and I drank together in a few bars when I was a thirteen year old. She does however, have a sense of self-preservation and she finds it hard to understand why I enjoy dicing with death so much. I have tried to explain to her that you never feel more alive than when death is wrapping its coils around you. Maybe its a male/female thing. My father just belives I need to take it easy for a while and then if I still need to be reckless, my body will be ready for it.

Today I was listening to Tina Turner, Everyone loves Tina - older than your grandmother but still rocking. The top five on my playlist:

Private Dancer - This song could have been in my post about jobs that you do. It's not against the law, but you still feel a little dirty at the end of every day. Apparently this was written by Mark Knopfler and he contributed it to Tina Turner's come back album in the eighties. For me the lyric that counts is the laid back disappointed way she sings "I want to make a million dollars, I want to live out by the sea, have a husband and some children, yeah, I guess I want a family". Dirty work is what we do when we have no other options.

Steel Claw - Another song from Private Dancer, the story of a girl in South American dictatorship who gave herself up for a little of the good life. This is almost as good as the Stones' Undercover Of The Night. For some reason reminds me of drinking in Puerto Cristobel,(Panama - I think), when I was about seventeen.

I Can't Stand The Rain - The sequenced background to this song drives me crazy. It is a very steamy song. Makes me think of sweat on a girls back as you make love.

Nutbush City Limits - Before she was Tina, she was an ordinary girl from a very small town, "On Highway number nineteen, the people keep the city clean". I am a city boy the idea of growing up in a small town seems attractive some times but I know it would drive me crazy after about five minutes.

Let's Stay Together - Ok, it will never be as good as the Reverend Al Green. But Tina sings this with some real passion, you can tell this is a woman who knows how to love and how to be loved.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Through These Misty Eyes

2010-05-26T13:20:00.003+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 310.00

Yesterdays Booze: Four pints of Stella Artois

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Rod Stewart

My parents are leaving tomorrow, I can almost feel the weight lifting of me. I know they don't mean to impose but they feels so cloying when they see me. it is as if they are trying to fit twenty five years of love into ten days. I should be grateful, but gratitude isn't one of my strong points. I suppose I feel a bit of a disappointment to them, when I was a child the expectations for me were very high. They had been told I would probably be an Oxbridge student before I was twelve, instead I was regularly drinking by then. Anyway, they will be on their way soon and I am sure I will miss them when they are gone - who knows when we will see each other again?

Still trading, despite the good weather here. I am not really someone who enjoys the daylight. Made some small money range-trading the Euro against the Dollar, still it all adds up.

Today I was listening to Rod Stewart, surely one of the most unlikely of superstars, but if you have ever seen him in concert you can attest to what a crowd pleaser he is. Some of his songs are so emotional and he can wring feeling out of a line like few others but I always get the feeling it is just a game to him. Somehow I imagine him smirking on the inside as he sings his most heartfelt lyrics. The top five on my playlist:

Every Beat Of My Heart - The song for every ex-pat Scot. Why is it the further you live from Scotland the more emotional about the place you feel? My father is certainly in no hurry to return to Scotland from his Spanish paradise.

I Don't Want To Talk About It - A beautiful song but again I have the nagging feeling that Rod doesn't really mean it

Young Turks - A song about freedom, breaking away from the restrictions placed upon you. For someone like me who had few, if any restrictions it is difficult to imagine what its like growing up to follow the rules.

Downtown Train - Originally a Tom Waits song, but Rod has a perfect voice for it. I love the idea of people trying to "break out of their little world". I always had bigger dreams than just being happy, I really thought I could be like Elvis but for some people just being happy is enough

You Wear It Well - I remember listening to this in a bar in some dead-end Thai town about twenty years ago, writing letters to a girlfriend. Some of which I even posted to her.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Dirty Work

2010-05-24T15:04:00.010+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 450.00

Today's Booze: One two litre bottle of dry cider

Today's Soundtrack: Random

More relatively listless trading. Made a quick buck shorting the S&P500 early in the morning and then couldn't really be bothered to trade more. I seem to have lost the greed element required to become a serious trader. If you think about it, making four hundred and fifty pounds after tax for one day isn't that bad a wage, ok it isn't like the good old days, but then I ultimately ended up losing everything when I overextended myself. I remember one day when I was living in Bangkok and I had called the market right, so I had booked a profit of about eight thousand US dollars in roughly an hour of London time trade. That's about nine pm Thai time So I sent a fax asking to transfer five thousand dollars to my bank account and decided to go out and spend the five thousand in one night. It proved a lot harder than I thought and I got back to my hotel two days later with about two thousand left.

I suppose I lived a rather gratuitous lifestyle then and really as someone who had already seen the worst of the slums in Asia, West Africa and South America I should have known better. I was a product of my environment however, and I earned the money i spent so recklessly. I haven't had a regular pay check since I was twenty seven, in my mind, I could have called the market wrong and lost ten thousand dollars just as easily. People like me inhabit a sort of murky, gray area where you take your chances to survive. You would be surprised how many people gamble for a living or end up in some shady cash in hand business. I could have just as easily ended up a thief or a leg-breaker. I suppose if I was female I could have ended up as a hooker or "exotic dancer". I just did what I knew how to do, I often think it would be nice though to have the security of a regular salary and a pension, to be able to obtain credit rather than having to buy things in cash. I have several credit cards but they are all pay as you go, I pay a premium to use them and fill them up to their five or ten thousand pound limits regularly but they do give me the illusion of respectability. Its easier paying for a first class flight to Singapore with a pay as you go Mastercard than in cash.

So, anyway, I am not giving the markets my full attention. I remain convinced that Euro has plenty of room to fall and have a target sell price of one point twenty four and would look to take profits around one twenty. As for the S&P500, I like trading this contract and think it is overvalued, I would like to see it drop to about nine hundred and fifty.

Today I was listening to Random pop music, the top five on my playlist:

Johnny Come Home - I love the Fine Young Cannibals, and this is one of their best. Obviously it means a lot to me because of the whole running away thing. "Johnny, we're sorry. Use the phone, call your mum - she's missing you badly, missing her son. Who do you know, where will you stay? Big city life is not what they say.Johnny we're sorry won't you come on home? . . ." Of course I didn't run from home - I didn't have a choice but I will never forget that cold morning in Tilbury Docks when we all agreed to separate for a while but, knew we would meet up again. And anyway, it didn't work out that bad, although I bet if you ask my parents they would wish I hadn't quite embraced my freedom so easily.

Echo Beach - Metro Music, could I be any more eighties? Where is Echo Beach? It is some kind of Shangri-La. We all hope it exists, sometimes we even think we have found it. This song holds out the hope for finding it but also reminds us of the banality of life. "From nine till five I have to spend my time at work, the job is very boring, I'm an office clerk, the only thing that helps pass the time away, is knowing I'll be back at Echo Beach some day".

Ready Or Not - The Fugees, anyone remember how big this record was when it first came out? I am not really one of these guys who pretends to be into the latest big thing. I am fairly Catholic on my tastes. Anyway I am still a victim of the eighties which was when I grew up, I do like a good song though and while I would lay odds you will never see me with dreadlocks, I have pretty diverse musical tastes.

White Flag - I am well aware that a straight male admitting to liking Dido may as well put on a dress and complain about period pains but I like this song. I like the video even more as the whole her and David Boreanaz missing each other as they come into contact reminds me of my relationship with the lunatic ex. Also the lyrics "I understand if you can't talk to me again.And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense". And "when we meet, Which I'm sure we will. All that was there,will be there still. I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on..."Exactly the way her and I feel about each other.

Gloria - Laura Brannigan, this song seems a bit paranoid to me, I love Brannigans voice but would like to have heard Tina Turner do a version of this as well. I am guessing this song is about lost innocence, which I suppose ties into my earlier rant about my work.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Since when was any of this negotiable?

2010-05-20T20:55:00.006+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 450.00

Today's Booze: One bottle of Rioja

Today's Soundtrack: Movies

Kind of a nothing day for me today. My parents are still loitering around, interfering with my trading. Of course I love them, but I would never tell them so. They have both registered as emergency liver donors for me, which I can't stand. Firstly because my mother is in her sixties and my dad his early seventies and too much time has passed for us to suddenly be the close family, also no one has actually said I need a transplant yet. In addition, I have a rare blood group I share with my father but left some anti-bodies in my mothers blood which have given her health issues since I was born. It is kind of weird having them around after all this time. The old man clearly knows that I have just lived life to excess but my mother seems heart-broken by the suffering. I keep telling her it doesn't hurt as much as it looks but she remains unconvinced. As far as I am concerned I wish I was rich when I had seen them - If this is the last time we ever meet, I would have liked to give them some serious cash to enjoy themselves.

The markets recovered from the sell-off in Euro assets yesterday, so I will be looking for an oportunity to sell tomorrow but to be honest my heart isn't in trading just now. My parents suck the life out of me - I resent all this babying me around.

During a listless trading day I didn't really listen to much music but instead watched the movie Collateral for what must be the hundredth time. I have kind of a Catcher In The Rye thing going with this movie. Maybe it's because my parents are around and the Tom Cruise character reveals nothing about his past life. Would I really like to be as dismally empty as he is in this movie? Often I think I would but then I think of my brother, his family and even my parents. No matter what, though, the final scene when Cruise is shot and sits down and says to Jamie Foxx "Guy gets on the subway and dies. Think anybody'll notice? " gets me every time. If I am to die I don't want people who care about me to see it. I would rather be like a dog and find a quiet place to die alone. I know its not what my parents want, but they have already come to terms with the very real liklihood that I will die before them.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

It's A Dangerous World

2010-05-19T22:34:00.006+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 1,570.93

Yesterdays Booze: Nothing

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Eurythmics

So, out of the hospital again. Got my body drained and lost forty two kilos, (that's forty two liters of fluid hidden in my body - too much even for me). The stalker has been in hospital as well. I can't help but feel bad about her illness. My ailments are mostly self-induced but she never asked for cancer - If I had the chance, I would gladly take her pain away from her and bear it myself.

A reasonable profit for once. Of course I benefited from my belief in the fragility of the Euro, but who could have guessed that Andrea Merkel would help me out by declaring a ban on naked short selling. Completely pointless of course because anyone that wants to short European bonds can do so in any number of territories. Short selling means you sell a security in anticipation of the price falling so you can buy it back cheaper. Naked means you don't already own the security while covered means you have the asset. If you don't own the security there is always the possibility that the price may go up and you will have to buy it or borrow it in the repo market. The actions going on in Germany indicate that the Euro is even more lame than I thought, there is a lot of talk about the Euro falling to parity with the dollar - It would not surprise me at all. In the wider world the situation in Thailand has also vindicated my concerns about that country. I lived in Thailand on and off for ten years so have a lot of emotional capital there. The situation may seem to be cooling down but this is a temporary break the social tensions there are too extreme. The question I am most concerned about is where is the King? He is the only man that can stop Thailand exploding If he is too frail to intervene or even worse then civil war is a very real possibility in Thailand.

Yesterday I was listening to Eurythmics, a classic eighties duo. Despite her tough androgynous image, I think of Annie Lennox as very fragile. The top five on my playlist were:

Who's That Girl? - A beautiful song, it may be sung from a female point of view but it applies equally to men. You know with women there is a time, when you realise you have been found out. The elaborate deception you put in place falls apart and she sees the puppets strings. "Your careless notions Have silenced these emotions, Look at all the foolishness Your lover's talk has done".

I've Tried Everything - The truth of life is no matter how much you think you've done, it is never enough.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Back then, in what seems like a lifetime away, I can't believe how naive I was. Everything seemed so innocent, now I look at the world through jaded eyes. Often I wish I still had faith in people.

It's Alright, (Baby's Coming Back) - This song reminds me of the lunatic girlfriend. After I left her, according to her staff she used to sit in her restaurant, waiting for me to walk in - then one day I strolled in, looking exactly the same. It was quite an emotional reunion. This song has a relentless driving feel to it that makes me think of airport lounges and lost loves.

You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart - Some great lines in this song, "Love is a temple, love is a shrine, buy some love at five and dime, a little bit of love from the counter store, get it on the credit if you need some more.
I'll be the figure of your disgrace, a criss cross pattern upon your face". Love is cheap sometimes but other times it can seem like the most valuable commodity in the world.

Other contenders were; Here Comes The Rain again, Missionary Man, When Tomorrow Comes and Love Is A Stranger.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Can You Wait Forever, If Time Is All It Takes

2010-05-01T11:28:00.001+01:00

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 255.70

Yesterdays Booze: Nothing

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Random Rock

Despite the continuing bizarre market movements, managed to scrape a few quid today by range trading the FTSE 100 index at ten pounds per point. Its a chancy business and unless your going to go fifty pounds a point or more the risk is hardly worth it. Still at least its some money in the bank. The markets continue to be absurd and I am clearly caught in traditional "old-school" thinking. This kind of thinking means that currencies move in line with economic prospects and inflationary and interest rate expectations and stocks move in line with company results and news. Clearly the new reality is different. A company can be investigated for fraud and its share price rises. A sovereign nation can be declared effectively bankrupt and the currency strengthens. I still believe that the core problem in the global economy is the huge amounts of cash swirling around looking for a decent return while low interest rates are leaving fewer choices. The low global interest rates are what was primarily responsible for the wave of exotic, (toxic), securities. I worked at a bank that hired a specialist team to structure such securities and the (potential), revenues were enormous, consequently the team of three shared a first year bonus of over twenty eight million dollars. during the year of crisis, much was made about the amounts paid to bankers but despite Obama, (surely the most ineffectual President since Carter), global banking salaries this year are at a record high. Are bankers paid too much? Perhaps, but few people outside the industry understand the compensation structures put in place. In my opinion, the problem with bankers salaries is that they reward revenue generation, (no bad thing), but the major problem is the banks never rewarded the people who policed the traders to the same extent. The variation in seniority would be like a ballboy in football team dictating to the star players on team selection and strategy rather than a Ferguson or Mourinho.

Today I was listening to random music, the top five on my playlist were:

Learning To Fly - This song always makes me feel good. I am not a huge Pink Floyd fan but they do bemuse me. This is a band of guys who look like middle aged accountants and have generated spectacular success with music that is not always easy to listen to. The band is largely unidentifiable despite the average concert being attended by seventy thousand people. An ex-girlfriend of mine met David Gilmour a few times when she lived in Holland Park and said he was very nice and polite. I am not so sure I would be the same if I had sold hundreds of millions of records. My favourite line in the song, "A soul in tension that's learning to fly, condition grounded but determined to try".

Fool To Cry - More old rockers but the Stones are different to Floyd, talk about a carefully cultivated image. This song is so sad and seems to be about the unhappy lot of the working man, something Jagger hasn't really had to think about since he started having his accounts done by Prince Lowenstein. This song is all about the singing though. Jaggers voice is often lost in the mix of the Stones. Nobody is saying he is a great singer but he sounds like he means it in this song.

Always The Sun - The Stranglers, everyone knows them for Golden Brown but this song is far more uplifting. It makes me think that things can only get better, "How many times have you been told, if you don't ask you don't get? How many liars have taken your money, your mother said you shouldn't bet? Who has the fun, is it always the man with the gun? Someone must have told him, if you work too hard you can sweat".

Only You - Whatever happened to Alison Moyet? She had a great voice. This song is classic eighties, reminds me of breaking up with girlfriends and how serious young love seems when you are fifteen or sixteen. Funny how everything seemed so possible back in your teenage years.

Ace Of Spades - Motorhead madness, this is not a song for romantic nights or quiet moments of reflection. This song demands to be played loud, it appeals to me in my nihilistic moments. The song is short and brutal but has some good lyrics "You know I'm born to lose and gamblin's made for fools. But that's the way I like it baby, I don't want to live forever".

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

A Life Too Long

2010-04-25T13:39:00.002+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00

Today's Booze: 2 Pints of Aspinalls Cider

Today's Soundtrack: The Waterboys

Have only been dabbling in trading recently, a bad move. To trade you have to stay informed but I have just had other things on my mind. Since I last posted, Greece has accepted the inevitable and decided its car-crash economy needs aid and, surprise, surprise, someone has suggested that Goldman Sachs sometimes acts fraudulently. Both of these events had a sickening certainty that makes me want to shake the people who doubted them. Anyone who has found themselves as one of Goldmans lower tier customers and finished a trade wondering what happened to their shirts knows what I mean. I don't mind Goldmans sharp practices, back in the nineties Citi used to be the same in the foreign exchange markets, but the arrogance is annoying. As for Greece, well I suppose putting a bail-out plan into place is much the same as carrying a gun. Don't do it unless you are prepared to use it. For what its worth I remain pessimistic over the long-term future of the Euro, despite it strengthening on the rescue plan. I see EUR/USD dropping to about 1.20 in the next year.

My leg is still troubling me and continues to weep, the quacks, (who I am rapidly losing faith in), say it is normal in such a large wound. As for my enormous belly, i had a few x-rays and tests and the ineffectual doctors just said it is a build up of fluid caused be me not taking some medication and it may need drained soon, sounds like more fun for a hospital phobe like me.

The soundtrack today was The Waterboys, one of my favourite bands, or maybe I am just drawn to Mike Scott and his blend of madness and genius.

Too Close To Heaven - Twelve and a half minutes of genius. "All your trouble will be over, so will your pain, you are gonna see those blue skies bursting right through the rain, The higher you climb, the lower you fall,You got too close to heaven, that's all". When I met the Stalker again at the beginning of last year, I didn't know if I should do it. I know she had been through some rough times during her cancer treatment, but I was nervous, (not a feeling I am used too), because I knew she expected me to be the same as I was eighteen years ago. It sounds stupid but people have the expectation I never change. She was bound to be disappointed and she said after a few large Tequilas that I had lost the look in my eyes that made me different from everyone else. I think about that when I hear this song.

Love That Kills - I think I have been in love, you know that heart-stopping bolt from the blue kind of love that transcends affection. I guess you only really know it when it happens to you.

Good Man Gone - A weary song, the kind you listen too when you are just about ready to give up. I have that feeling more than I should. "My eyes are like two troopers in a foxhole. I'm doing things I used to know were wrong. I've hurt all my friends
and I'll do it again. Lord, where's the good man gone"?

The Whole Of The Moon - The crowd-pleaser. This is the song that the record company wanted Mike Scott to write over and over again. He is not a man to pander to popular opinion. I love this song because it contrasts the view of someone with their feet firmly on the ground with that of someone who is truly living. "I spoke about wings
you just flew, I wondered, I guessed, and I tried, you just knew. I sighed but you swooned". "I was grounded, while you filled the skies, I was dumbfounded by truth, you cut through lies. I saw the rain-dirty valley, you saw Brigadoon, I saw the crescent, you saw the whole of the moon"!

Rags - Seems like no matter how much I try I always end up hurting someone.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours

2010-04-05T12:57:00.004+01:00

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00

Today's Booze: Nothing at all

Today's Soundtrack: The Manic Street Preachers

No trading over Easter, anyway I am not really in the mood. The UK continues to be hamstrung by election jitters, with the news that the tories are twenty seats ahead in the polls. I despair of the English. The French were right the likelihood of a revolution in the UK is an impossibility, (despite the eighties efforts of Kitty as related in her blog - Kitty Tells It As It Is). The British are prepared to stage a riot over the off-chance of getting twenty percent discount in a sale however.

I am still suffering from my leg injury and my visit to the haematologist that wants to carve me up is drawing ever closer - I seem to be turning into Jefferey fucking Bernard. I have been told to keep my leg wound exposed as much as possible to prevent further infection. At least it means I can get a full shower. The other night I had this dream, I was standing in my shower and the water streams got stronger and stronger. I checked my calf to see it was ok and the skin graft was flowing off and disappearing down the plug hole. So I bent down and tried to pull the skin back while some of it was still attached to my leg and something on the other side of the plug started pulling against me, it was pulling much harder than I could and after a while the rest of my skin started unravelling from my body and when I looked in the mirror my body and skull was just muscle and bone and ligaments, like some kind of medical diagram. I think I may be losing it.

Haven't been listening to much music recently - even my computer has let me down. According to iTunes it would take me something like thirty two years to listen to every song on my hard drives. I think I am going to have to miss out on some Miles Davis and Robert Johnson. The top five songs today were:

Tsunami - A song that means a lot to me, or maybe just reflects my angst. "Can't work at this anymore, Can't move I want to stay at home, Tied up to all these crutches, Never far from your hands. Tsunami tsunami, Came washing over me, Tsunami tsunami, Came washing over me, Can't speak, can't think, won't talk, won't walk.
Doctors tells me that I'm cynical, I tell them that it must be chemical, So what am I doing girl, Cry into my drink I disappear". This song is guaranteed to make me reflective and to bring a tear to my eye.

A Design For Life - A misunderstood song if ever there was one. The message was lost in the lyrics "We don't talk about love, we only want to get drunk". The first verse is the song, "Libraries gave us power, Then work came and made us free, What price now for a shallow piece of dignity". We accepted consumerism as an alternative to freedom.

Kevin Carter - A brilliant song, the sneering delivery portrays the current contempt I have for most things and especially the "celebrity culture". I am sure most people are familiar with the story of Kevin Carter. The Pulitzer prize winning photo journalist who was hounded after his Time magazine cover shot of the dying African child with the vultures waiting for him to die. "Hi Time magazine hi Pulitzer Prize Vulture stalked white piped lie forever wasted your life in black and white...Kevin Carter, Kevin Carter". A lot of people talk about the tragedy of Africa, but you really have to go there to understand it. Bob Geldof and Bono talk about forget the corruption - just give them your money. Pointless and stupid beyond belief. The corruption is what has denied Africa a future and forget blaming the colonial history, it still goes on - do you think China is investing so heavily in Africa for the good of the people?

From Despair to Where - From Gold Against The Soul, Seems to be a common theme for the Manic Street Preachers, forgetting when you sold out. I try and forget when I sold out, I even try and pretend I had no choice after all I was young and alone, but you know that uncomfortable feeling you get sometimes when you wake up at three thirty in the morning, with a pain in the chest that feels like a blockage between your lungs. That's the feeling of compromise.

Motorcycle Emptiness - A fairly bleak song, but I guess that's how I feel right now. From the Manics first album Generation Terrorists. I was not involved in music by then but I remember being impressed by their casual arrogance. They had won a battle of the bands contest to get a record contract and instead of being sycophantic grateful pop idol types, they delivered a double album full of vitriol. This song says it all, "Drive away and it's the same, Everywhere death row, everyone's a victim
Your joys are counterfeit, This happiness corrupt political shit".

Close contenders were, Elvis Impersonator on Blackpool Pier, If You Tolerate This, Methadone Pretty and You Stole The Sun From My Heart.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

A Certain Time, A Certain Place

2010-03-26T14:05:00.004Z

Today's P&L: GBP 200.00

Today's Booze: 3 pints of Aspinall Cider

Today's Soundtrack: Fleetwood Mac

Early close today. My skin graft seems to be pleasing the doctors, still looks disgusting to me though. My leg is quite painful and I am still immobile. I have put on quite a belly since I couldn't move much - damn my aging, rotten old carcass. Getting old is a terrible thing. I have so many regrets, but if I could go back and do it all again I doubt I would have done much different. I wish I had treated myself a little better, but I would probably have missed out on some of my wilder times if I had. I do wish I had tried harder in the band as I would have made a proper celebrity, not like these chancers around today.

Obama seems to be making headway with the health program in the US, universal healthcare in the richest nation the world has ever seen - what an absurd notion! I still predict it will all come to nothing as America is a country that is dominated by the rich and there is nothing they hate more than higher taxation - still, I hope I am proven wrong. The Europeans true to my predictions have muddled through the Greece issue. Merkel seems to have gotten what she wanted, a weaker Euro, (to help Germany which is still the worlds leading exporting nation, although soon to be overtaken by the Chinese), And the IMF to actually carry the can for the kebab eaters. Make no mistake this is a bad business. The Euro zone has absolved itself from responsibility and proven itself to be nothing more than a currency of convenience. If I was a betting man, (and I am), I give the Euro in its present form no more than five years. Look forward to a Club Med Euro, (Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece), to accompany the real Euro. Anyone who is trading, should look to pick up Gold futures if it goes below one thousand and fifty dollars per ounce.

The UK budget was a bit of a joke, but what do you expect so close to election time. Both parties want to increase VAT, but who is going to do that before an election? Thirteen percent on Cider - looks like me, Sir Digby Chicken Ceaser, (check you tube), and the other park dwellers will have to switch to single Malt Whiskey. Having said that, I have faith in the UK this country can survive much, (except perhaps joining the single currency), We just need some new politicians and a thorough cleansing of Whitehall.

Music today was varied but for some reason I was drawn to Fleetwood Mac. A dinosaur band, I know but I am drawn to their songs and also the dynamics of the band. Their biggest hit "Rumours", was the biggest selling record until Thriller and is basically the soundtrack of personal relationships falling apart, (I like Abbas' last record for much the same reasons). I am not interested in hearing some Pakistani kid from Bradford or some white middle class kid from Maine rapping to me about the ghetto. OK, I don't expect everyone to have seen or experienced the things I have done, but if I am going to listen to a song I would like to think that the emotion is genuine. Maybe I am a fraud as well, When I was in some of the bad places I have been, I wasn't the target, there were a few times with guns pushed against the back of your skull, when you get really scared but you kind of know that killing a white european in these circumstances may cause more problems for them. Some black kid in south side Chicago or Los Angeles doesn't have that luxury. I remember reading somewhere that the average life expectancy for a single black male in the worst parts of Los Angeles is twenty seven - that seems crazy. Anyway, according to my loyal iTunes top five Fleetwood Mac songs today were:

The Chain - "If you don't love me now, you will never love me again". A really simple song with few lyrics, but have you ever felt that your life was inextricably linked with that of someone else?

Seven Wonders - This song really appeals to me, It reminds me of some of the deepest feelings I have ever had. When I looked into a girls eyes and just knew. "So it's hard to find, someone with that kind of intensity. You touched my hand, I played it cool". "So long ago, it's a certain time, a certain place. You touched my hand and you smiled". This one also reminds me of Lucy.

Everywhere - A feel good song, One of the first songs learned to play on bass while singing at the same time - although I tried to play the bass in the style of Jaco Pastorius. "c'mon baby, we better make a start. We better make it soon, before you break my heart". These days I look at everything at such a distance, I never let anyone get too close to me. There was a time when things were different.

Mystified - just a really beautiful song.

Tango In The Night - "I keep the dream, in my pocket - never let it fade away". A one-sided song, a man remembering his one love perhaps.

Other contenders were; Go your Own Way, Caroline, Tusk, Little Lies, Big Love and When I see You Again. Better get back and see if there is any more money to be made today.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Killing Yourself To Live

2010-03-19T10:01:00.003Z

Today's P&L: GBP200.00

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: Rock

An odd day today, no real time for trading as I am off to get my dressings changed this afternoon. I am a little worried as the graft site has been oozing a lot of unpleasant fluid. This may be normal, what do I know I am not a doctor. The whole in my leg was packed with some kind of organic seaweed to assist the speed the skin would mesh. Sounds suspiciously like some kind of crap skin treatment they peddle to women, but hey, like Penelope Cruz, I'm worth it.

The markets continue to be tedious, One minute the Germans say hey, we'll bail out Greece, the next it's Merkel saying Euro members should be allowed to withdraw from the currency if necessary and isn't it the job of the IMF to deal with hopeless economies. Funny how we never hear anything from the French when it comes to bail outs. Normally the French are all over anything that has Euro attached to it, but when it comes to putting their hand in their pockets it's all "zoot allors - 'ow can 'elp I have several mistresses to support and a wife with a designer shopping habit. Go see the Germans, they are good with money and anyway they still owe us for those world wars". Still no one can accuse the French of being inconsistent, if it is not in the interests of La Republique they are not interested.

Obama has decided to avoid a trip to Indonesia in order to push through the massive shake-up of the American Health care system. The proposed changes amount to the biggest reform in US taxation in decades. All useless of course, because extending tax contributions to Medicare fails to address the problem that no one actually knows what the cost of medical treatment in the US is. The pharmaceutical companies charge a fee for a drug, which depending on circumstances is partly paid for by health insurance and the insurance companies give a bill to the patient. Nobody actually knows what the price, (or usefulness), of the treatment is or what the insurance company paid for it. Still interesting to see that the proposals include a ten percent tax on indoor tanning services which will raise two point seven billion dollars a year. The main revenue will come from taxes on investment income which may see taxes on capital gains in America reaching twenty five percent. I look forward to a wall of US investment money moving offshore in a similar way to the Euromarkets of the seventies.

I have been considering my life after someone I knew, not a friend but an acquaintance, died yesterday. He was a few years younger than me and slipped into a coma after some bowel disorder which presumably gave him septicemia. anyway he wasn't revived, he wasn't someone who has lived to excess he didn't drink much, never took drugs was engaged to be married in a few months, just a normal guy. His fiancee turned up to the hospital but he was already in a coma - so sad.

By comparison the way I have treated my body and mind is shocking, here are some numbers that apply:

One point eight million - The most money, (cash and liquid assets), in dollars, that I have had at one time.

Three hundred and seventy - More or less, the number of sexual partners I have had.

Forty seven - As far as I know the amount of fractures I have had so far.

Twenty Two - The amount of times I have been tested for STD's. Always been clean, thank God for condoms.

Nine - The number of car accidents I have been in.

Seven - The amount of times I have been shot at or threatened with a Knife.

Six - The number of times I have been knocked unconscious by a physical blow to the head

Five - The amount of times I have been broke,(zero assets, zero cash), although I only declared bankruptcy once.

Four - the number of countries where I have ended up in jail, usually just for drunken stupidity.

Three - The amount of times I have been proposed to by sober women.

Two - The number of times I have been hit by cars

One - The number of times I have been treated for Rabies, (bitten by a monkey in Thailand - bastard).

Music today was just Various rock tunes, according to iTunes the five most popular songs:

Rock Bottom - UFO, a song about how quickly life passes you by.

Black Velvet - Alannah Myles singing about Elvis, or black velvet as they called him back then. Sultry and erotic this song is so good.

Eurasian Eyes - Corey Heart, I have a bit of a thing about Asian women, I wonder if I had married the Stalker, The Lunatic or The Princess would my children have had their almost black eyes or my green eyes?

Blue Gene Vincent - Havana 3am. Not a very well known band but put together by Paul Simonon from The Clash. This song tells the story of Gene Vincent, "had to go and take a race with the devil, take another drink to ease the pain" . Be Bop a LuLa.

Dissapear - INXS, remember when they were the biggest band around? Poor old Hutch. When you have been fairly close to death a few times you start to consider, I really wouldn't want to die in an embarrassing way. Hutch had the plastic bag over his head and the belt around his neck, Elvis died on the toilet. No death is good but a little dignity would be nice. I have taken to carrying around letters from creditors and final demands, with a few tear stains and "I just can't take anymore" scrawled drunkenly across them. Hopefully if I die and no one discovers me for a while the verdict will be suicide due to extreme pressure placed on me by the unfeeling banks.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Tell Her I'll Be Waiting, The Usual Place

2010-03-16T17:57:00.004Z

Today's P&L: GBP40.00

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: Roxy Music, Bryan Ferry

One quick exploratory trade today, a quick buy of FTSE 100 futures, the markets are far too range bound for me to make any money trading. Unless there is some real movement I cant cover the spread which is the difference between the bid, (price to buy) and the offer, (price to sell). These markets are unsatisfactory. I need to make some money and soon. The Federal Reserve maintained base rates at 0.25%, which is great for the banks rebuilding their balance sheets, but at this stage and with unemployment so high, consumers are not responding - what more do you have to do, give away money to encourage people to buy? The continuing reliance on cheap credit is worrying to me. You know any one reading this that thinks I take the markets seriously, should know that I am aware this is all bull. Its what I do for a living because its the only thing I have ever done - I have no other skills. I understand that ordinary people have real jobs and little interest in the markets, I have parents that live in Euro land and don't really understand why their pension varies every month based on what seems to them random numbers on a screen. I am aware that the pools of capital that are magically multiplied through derivatives are the results of peoples working lives. People like my parents fail to understand that there really wasn't any expectation for them to live too long past their retirement. The pyramid scheme that is National Insurance in the UK rather hoped that people like my parents would die shortly after retirement and not be too much of a drain on the system. My father was born in one of the worst areas of Glasgow in nineteen thirty nine and whatever actuaries they used then predicted the average life expectancy of someone like him as fifty four. He has rather inconveniently lived longer than he should have.

Talking of the news, Reuters had a story that the Ukraine has announced a deal to sell 20 tanks and 10,000 Kalashnikov rifles to the Congo for eighty million dollars. I spent three days in Matadi a lifetime ago and the last thing they need is more guns.

Why the fuck am I worried about the helpless people of the Congo, when I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads? Must be my Catholic guilt. Mind you I am just like everyone else what am I going to do, join Amnesty International?

Today I was listening to Roxy Music, just the name is enough for me. Roxy Music, makes me think of Art Deco dance halls and cinemas with neon signs inviting you inside, long ago before going to the cinema meant an anonymous multiplex. Bryan Ferry is a strange frontman, so casually elegant. Apparently he was born in some poor northern family. He is sort of the musical equivalent of Cary Grant, who famously said "even I can't be Cary Grant all the time". According to the computer these are my top five Roxy/Ferry songs today:

Slave To Love - obvious choice for a closet romantic like me. The vocals are light, sometimes too distant but the passion that bubbles throughout the song comes to the surface in the guitar break. Check out the video on youtube and see how effortlessly stylish Ferry is. The lyrics "To need a woman, You've got to know, How the strong get weak,And the rich get poor", mean a lot to me but I still can't decide does it mean if you finally have to count on a woman, have you gone from strong to weak or does the woman make you weak? The other lines that matter to me are "The storm is breaking, Or so it seems.We're too young to reason,Too grown up to dream".

Same Old Scene - A song about how young love turns old or how you wish old love could be more like young love? "Nothing lasts forever, of that I'm sure". "In our lighter moments, precious few, Its all that heavy weather we're going through". Young love may be cruel but as you get older the sweet moments become rarer and rarer. The banality of life infringes on you.

Jealous Guy - One of the few songs that many people will say is better than the original, and when your talking about Lennon your on touchy ground. I just feel that the delivery Ferry gives is extraordinary. It reminds me of all the times I have deliberately hurt women because I was too scared or cowardly to face my responsibilities. This song reminds me of Lucy.

Oh Yeah - This song reminds me of the first date "How can we drive to a movie show, when the music is here in my car". My life hasn't always been so different, I did have some normality although it is hard to imagine. The Stalker once choked on her drink when she asked me how my parents taught me about sex education and I told her about having a few beers in a bar/brothel in Africa with my father when I was twelve.

Avalon - Music to sleep to. A sublime song that sums up that feeling at the end of a party, as the sun struggles to illuminate the sky. But also a song that reminds me of that point when your with a girl and you don't need to say anything. You both know what is happening between you. Her gestures signals compliance, you know you can touch her neck or caress her arm and there is no awkwardness.

Anyway as always,

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Home Alone

2010-03-14T16:41:00.004Z

Todays P&L: 0.00 GBP

Todays Booze: 2 pints of cider, 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Todays Soundtrack: Sad songs

So I am home at last, temporarily, I have to go back in two days to change the dressings on my leg, (I am bandaged from my toes to my hip, with a cast surrounding the actual graft). The pain is quite intense, not on the actual graft where all the skin, fat and nerves have been removed but on the donor sites where they have cut just far enough into the skin to expose the nerve endings. I let myself down and had a few drinks, because of the length of my sobriety the feeling was quite good and I definitely gained some minimal relief. I have a liter bottle of Talisker and Bacardi on hand but strangely do not feel compelled to open them. Perhaps I am losing my dipso urges - so sad. I am glad to be out of the hospital although I am still relatively immobile and putting far too much weight on my injured leg, I just couldn't stand it in there any longer, I was practically becoming institutionalized. The doctors and nurses did a good job, although I could have done without a trainee nurse throwing up when she saw the wound after the first operation when they carved away half my lower leg.

The stalker seems to have split up with me, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I was sort of getting used to her. At the same time I did warn her I am not a good patient and she should avoid me until I am feeling better. Anyway, I am feeling far too removed from humanity right now to worry about her happiness, maybe its just another chance I have blown, i'll just add it to the list.

I haven't really checked out the markets during my incarceration, (I had a laptop at first, but the stalker took it back in a strop), a quick glance at old news shows that the crisis in Greece is over, (good luck with that). The Chinese continue their relentless search for natural resources by using their huge cash reserves, (Three billion dollars for Argentina's state owned energy exporter). Hang on a minute, Argentina doesn't have any significant oil reserves. If I was the British government, I wouldn't count on Chinese support if any Falkland Islands tensions increase. The market continues to increase although it definitely has the feeling of being overbought. Why not? Equities make more sense than anything else in a world swimming with liquidity and that's what concerns me most. Despite the shock of very nearly seeing a complete collapse of the international banking system. Everything is fine thanks to excess liquidity. Once again we have ordered another round of drinks but no one is really sure who is going to pay the tab when it comes.

Back at home I have been listening to my vast music collection and in line with my current self-pity and perhaps because of the stalker I have once again been listening to sad songs.

Rough Boy - ZZ Top with a mighty soulful blues guitar. This song makes me feel that being alone isn't so bad. In this song Billy Gibbons is willing to fight but it doesn't really matter, what happens happens. Guys spend all this energy looking for a perfect woman, I don't know maybe I am too arrogant but I really am beyond all that. I want to be happy, who doesn't? My days of making too many compromises are over.

Virgin State Of Mind - K's Choice, not widely known although I bet a lot of lesbians know who they are. This is a disturbing but erotic song that seems to wrap itself around you, sort of like the feeling you get when the warmth of alcohol starts to affect you. The huskiness in her voice when she sings "Do you think I'm sexy, do you think I really care", sends shivers down my spine. This is music for lost love.

I Like Chopin - classic eighties europop. I prefer to listen to the extended version. It has that eighties veneer of refined perfection. The nonchalant vocals remind me of the days when I thought I was living the good life. None of the piano refrains in the song are Chopin but that doesn't matter. This song reminds me of when I turned up to an interview wearing a dinner suit with a classic wing collar shirt, (I had been out all night and didn't have time to go home).

Somebody Save Me - By Remi Zero, quite a rock track. "All my dreams have fallen down
crawling around somebody save me, and two warm hands break right through me, Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just stay, Stay, Come on, I've been waiting for you". Pleading for someones help, not something I would ever do in public, although in my darker hours, like my prayers to the moonlight, its something I do. Rule number one never show weakness in front of anyone. I learned this at a young age. There is nothing wrong with crying but save it for when your in private. No one else is interested, in fact most people will find your weakness repellent.

Here You Come Again - I don't mind admitting I like Dolly Parton, I could say its because of her genuine rags to riches story, coming from the crushing poverty of the Smoky Mountains. Or I could say its because she is a consummate business person or that she is a philanthropist. The truth is I love this song. Who hasn't had that feeling when they have accidentally bumped into a former lover, "here you come again, looking better than a body has a right to, and shaking me up so that all I really know is here you come again and here I go". I don't know what its like for girls but boys play silly games, you want to sleep with as many women as possible and I did that as well, but since I was twenty five or so every girl I have ever slept with, (with a few exceptions), has been because I wanted to. And if a girl attracts you that much then of course its going to affect you when you see here being with other people or just getting along with life - without you.

Anyway time to sign out, Happy Mothers Day to any mothers out there...

In case I don't see 'ya...Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!

Skin and Bones

2010-03-04T14:41:00.007Z

Todays P&L: GBP 0.00

Todays Booze: All I need is a little water of life...

Todays soundtrack: AOR, soft rock

So finally after much delay had my skin graft yesterday evening. There were some complications as it is a big graft, (if anyone has a strong stomach, I might attach a photo of my wound), they took skin from both sides of my thigh and patched up my skinless calf. I am glad they finally got around to it as I was feeling quite naked without any skin. When the dressing was off you could literally see the muscle and the white ligaments and tendons surrounding it as there was about twelve by five inches of skin missing. I am reliably informed that I will have some rather impressive scars, so if the stalker sees sense and dumps me at least I have a conversation starter. The stalker tracked me down in the hospital and last night when it looked like they were going to bump me off the theater list, she got angry and went and told off the consultants. she came back with her bad attitude intact though and gave me a hard time, couldn't help pointing out to me that I had been in the hospital for a week and had no visitors while the other inmates all had regular visitors from family and friends.

Speaking about health care,I may be complaining about the NHS but at least they are taking care of me, although I have paid plenty of NI contributions in the past, this is just one of the many times I am glad not to be an American. As usual it seems that Obama is once again proving himself to be the most ineffectual president since Jimmy Carter and backing away from any decisive action. He is withdrawing from any plan to curb the bankers and seems unlikely to make any significant push on the healthcare issue. It is worth bearing in mind that the unfunded pension and healthcare liabilities of the US are estimated at around sixty trillion dollars. I wonder why America is so afraid of universal health care, perhaps they think it smacks of socialism, but after bailing out the banks and the auto sector and receiving funding from Asia and the Middle East, can the US really be considered a true capitalist nation? Obama is suffering the backlash of course, his approval rating is falling faster than the pound. I remember the optimism when he was elected, although it has to be said that most of the people yelping in the streets were the middle-class white types, you know lots of women in ethnic clothes and blonde dreadlocks, liberal arts students, all saying things like now America can sit proudly at the table of advanced democracies. Still the guy picked up a nobel prize and his wife, who reminds me of the predator beast in Arnies movie, got a few magazine covers out of it. Actually Obama will probably win a second term because if, as I suspect, the world is just building up to a bigger crisis than the recent one who is going to want to be President. Obama had more goodwill than any recent president and now he is fading fast. The boundless optimism of the talking heads on the business channels and the obviously self-serving bankers is merely compounding the desperation of the politicians who do not want to be the ones in power when the music stops. The trigger for the credit crisis maybe have been the American mortgage crisis, (which can be summed up easily enough. The overpaid and overeducated but woefully under experienced quants had computer models that told them that it was ok to give mortgages or even third mortgages to bell boys and strippers in Vegas because if you mix enough bad mortgages in with a sprinkle of good ones you can turn crap into gold). The reason that these dodgy mortgages were wrapped, as we like to say, into CDO's and given a lick of gold plate by the rating agencies that were paid provided they gave good ratings, (conflict of interest, what conflict), is an insatiable demand for yield by investors caused by global low interest rates. The low interest rates allowed private equity funds to amass fortunes to take over any company they say a profit in reabilitating, (cost cutting) and allowed countries like Ireland, Portugal and Spain to expand their economies based on literally free funding. Meanwhile Iceland decided it was more profitable to be a hedge fund than a country and Dubai, recognizing it had little oil left decided to turn itself into a theme park complete with palm tree shaped islands. America decided to prove its commitment to capitalism by encouraging corporates to use the low funds to improve profitability not by top line growth, (which means increasing revenue), but by increasing bottom line profits which means cutting staff and off shoring anything you can, laying the grounds for the jobless recovery. The UK of course is no stranger to this I remember doing some consultancy work for an American bank which was being acquired by a competitor. the Americans came over with their list of redundancies, starting with the European headquarters in London, the plan was then to go to the other European financial centers and lay off staff in Paris, Frankfurt, Milan and close own some offices in other countries. They didn't last long in Europe however as they quickly found out that it cost a minimum of six times as much to lay off a worker in Paris or Frankfurt as it did in London. So the smaller European offices were left alone and a new list of additional redundancies were made up for London. It seemed a little unfair, but it didn't matter to me as I was a contractor and if anything it extended the length of my contract. The point of course was that workers of any type in the UK have little or no rights and that the politicians care little about the ordinary people in this country.

Today I have been listening to album orientated rock, which if anything proves I am in the right place as I must be sick - I put it down to the painkillers I am on which are good but no match for the Czech Absinthe I used to drink. According to iTunes these are my top five:

Africa - Toto's finest moment, I suppose in the eighties this seemed impossibly exotic, Reminds me of my experiences in Africa, sharing a room in Monrovia with about five thousand spiders as big as the palm of your hand, sailing down the River Bonney to Port Harcourt as the jungle got closer and closer to the sides of the ship and probably most of all moored across from Lagos at Apapa getting drunk in the sweltering heat listening to good music.

Waiting For A Girl Like You- Anyone remember Foreigner? This was a great song with an ice cold synth line. It may be about finding the right girl but for me its about all the girls I have hurt and the chances I have blown, maybe the Stalker is onto something and there is a reason I am the only person in my ward who doesn't get any visitors.

Don't fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult, a song that seems to be about final death but is actually about eternal love, "Romeo and Juliette are together in eternity".

I Want To know What Love Is - More Foreigner, I remember this song being in the charts for what seemed like forever when I was fifteen. I think I liked the video more than the song the sort of slow-mo scenes of people struggling through ordinary lives but being happy with the simple things. In my cocky teenage years, I was sure I was never destined for an ordinary life and never could imagine being happy with the simpler things in life.

Suzanne - On the album Raised On radio by Journey, reminds me of probably my first ever serious relationship, a girl of italian extraction called Suzanne, she wasn't the first or even the tenth girl i slept with but it was a relationship and it seemed real even though we were only in high school. I remember I was still a dreamer and nothing seemed impossible to me, but she was already for the treadmill of life, getting a job, getting married, starting a family. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had married her. In the school I met her a lot of people married their girlfriends. i just can't see how it could have worked out and i shudder to think of all the adventures I would have missed out on, still she was a great girl I hope she is happy now.

So thats it, i don't know why these songs all seem to be by American bands, one things for sure if you were driving in say, Arizona and switched on an fm radio station, there is a good chance you would hear one of them or at least a song by one of the groups. I better go now still need to rest - the quacks say there is a good chance that my graft may not take and the infection could still spread.

So Good day and...
in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Its Just a Flesh Wound

2010-02-26T23:36:00.003Z

Todays P&L: GBP 0.00

Todays Booze: I don't want to say I would give my right leg for a drink, but...

Todays soundtrack: The rheumy coughs, snores and grunts from my fellow inmates

Well, after hoping my latest leg injury would "just go away", I finally had to admit defeat and jumped in a cab to the local hospital. Needless to say they incarcerated me quicker than an Indonesian Kopassus officer that you forgot to give "tea money to". After deciding I didn't have some bizarre flesh eating disease, they decided to take me down to surgery and appear to have lopped off half my right calf. I am currently awaiting the plastic surgery team to decide when they are going to give me a skin graft. Seems this is going to be a far more visible scar than the myriad little scars and nicks that decorate my body. As I don't know what caused the rather disgusting infection, (think cabin fever), I shall have to make up a story to go with it. The problem is my life is already so weird that I don't normally make up stories to impress the girls, (why else would God have given us mouths if not to tell lies to girls)? I was thinking of telling everyone I was attacked by a man-eating shark while surfing in Australia, but everyone knows I have never been to Australia and that my almost permanent garb of a black linen/cashmere suit is not ideal surfing kit.

A few kind readers have recently commented on helping me out of my manic depressive mood, thanks to everyone who was concerned. Oddly I don't regard myself as a depressed person. I have a sort of studied gloominess, but I have seen enough crap lives in this world to not really wallow in self-pity, well apart from when I am drunk and listening to my favourite sad songs. I definitely come from the, "straighten up and fly right", sort of background. My parents have never heard of things such as bi-polar disorder and would certainly regard it as voodoo psychology. as I have said in the past, this blog is possibly the only place I would reveal my true feelings, although I once told some of my life story to someone sitting next to me in a bar - it probably doesn't count as it was a stuffed Gorilla. So anyway to anyone who was concerned about my whining - don't worry, I will be hopping out of this "institution" soon enough and back to my usual self.

So I missed a weeks trading, probably just as well, although annoyingly I had called it pretty right. The Euro is now being targeted by the mega hedge funds who are taking bets through the options markets. They seem to think a one for one parity with the dollar is on the cards and I can't disagree. Although I am more negative, in my opinion if a member of the Euro zone defaults on its debt. Then the whole Euro project could go up in flames. The pound should be gaining on this but our own bad finances and the political comedy we currently enjoy are putting paid to that. Perhaps I am just really insensitive but the idea of civil servants being bullied by Gordon Brown seems pathetic to me. I am all for stopping little kids being bullied at school but phoning a help line when your a grown up and saying my boss is picking on me seems a little wet. Maybe the working environment I used to enjoy encouraged it so much that it was unnoticeable. You do sometimes hear about bullying in the workplace but it is usually close to the words "constructive dismissal" and "out of court settlement".

Tough Times

2010-02-20T11:51:00.005Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -200.00

Yesterdays Booze: Nothing, but this can't last

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Abba

I knew I shouldn't have traded yesterday, my ever dwindling pool of capital will be gone soon. I am literally in the last chance saloon and am getting to the stage where it will be a last roll of the dice and if I fail, well it doesn't bare thinking about. I should be at the top of my game for this but instead, I am a physical and mental wreck. I am a pretty morose character but I don't recall ever feeling this far down. I am not sure how it has all come down to this, I know I have frittered away lots of money, my alcohol addiction and my reluctance to fly anything other than first class, plus my years of living in hotels has certainly put a dent in my cash, and while I wouldn't describe myself as generous, I have always been pretty free and easy with my cash and possessions. I have been on my uppers before with just a couple of hundred quid to my name and stuck it in a lapsed spread trading account, spent the night in bush shelters or on tube stations and traded at internet cafes until I could transfer my ill-gotten gains to a prepaid card, but I was a younger man then. Maybe this is just the way these things happen you squeeze life too hard and it falls through your fingers all the more quickly. I suppose i suspected this would happen when I came back to the UK. At the time I had broken several bones in my legs and was immobilized for several months. So I traded, actually I overtraded, as I had nothing else to do. I lost a lot of money. I recall thinking that this is wrong, I feel trapped, stuck in one place. It wasn't just my body that was immobile, my mind was leaden also. In the past I had always kept moving, trying to stay ahead, I felt like a shark or something that if I stopped swimming against the tide I would drown and now here I am drowning. And the worst of it is,it doesn't get better, people always say "things will get better" but they don't, they get worse.

Anyway, the markets bit me again, because I have to be cautious, I am missing so many opportunities. Things that I know are going to happen happen just I suspected unfortunately I can't afford to hold out for my predictions to come right so, I have to close out flat or at a small loss before the move happens. A good example is the cable, (sterling/dollar), and sterling / euro trades I was talking about a while back. The foreign exchange markets are fast and liquid so trading them is a chancy business. I had previously said that I though sterling was going to be strong against the Euro for a period, and it was, although both were soundly kicked by a resurgent dollar. I also said that the pound would be doing a lot better if it wasn't for this election and that's exactly what has happened. The political mess in this country and our appalling finances are making sterling less attractive even than the Euro. There is still scope for the Euro to unravel further as any of the other deadbeat countries may choose to do a Greece, (in fact a leading economist in Ireland said last week the Ireland should abandon the Euro). The pound however seems to be at the fate of the useless British politicians. Anyone who doubts how out of touch these buffoons are should have watched the program tower block of commons where a number of them spent a week on housing estates or projects as our American friends call them. Mind you I suppose we get the government we deserve The BBC started the week with its main story being the return from Dubai of chav footballer John Terry reunited with his ridiculous wife and ended it with the lead story being Tiger Woods apologizing for cheating on his wife. I found it difficult to take either story seriously as news, I mean Terry is an tosser on the downside of his career, (is it just me or were he and Danny Dyer separated at birth), and where else is his wife going to find someone to pay for her shopping and get her in the papers. As for Woods, at that sanitized press conference, claiming his wife had never battered him, despite seemingly having ripped his car in two with her bare hands. Ok she is a scary Nordic chick, but lets be honest he can afford to buy his own island and stock it full of all the exotic babes he wants. From now on we know three things about Tiger Woods. He is really, really good at golf. He really, really can't keep it in his pants and that in his marriage he is the bitch.

According to iTunes my most listened to music yesterday was ABBA. Abba was a huge band when I was eight to about twelve. They were deeply unfashionable during the New Romantic frenzy that came afterward, but I always liked them, I thought their songs were great and even though I couldn't write music loved their harmonies. They also seemed to have the requisite melancholy for a character like mine. Some of the songs are surprisingly sad. A lot of their music reminds me of Rumours by Fleetwood Mac. Not in terms of the music, but if you listen to that record you can feel the sound of peoples personal relationships falling apart. Anyway here are my five favourite Abba songs yesterday:

Knowing Me Knowing You - Great song, this. Its kind of like it always is when you stop seeing someone. Sometimes no matter how right it seems to be with someone, you just know it isn't going to work out. "Knowing me, Knowing you, it's the best I can do".

The Winner Takes It All - Classic broken heart music, Even if you've never been in a great romance, this song makes you feel like you have. I love the line "Tell me does she kiss, like I used to kiss you. Does it feel the same When she calls your name". Part of keeping moving was always to know when to get out. I have seen that hurt look in a few girls eyes, when you've left it too long. The worst thing about stopping seeing someone is that moment. Its much better if they get mad at you or best of all if they dump you. This song really reminds me of the Lunatic

Money, Money, Money - Quite appropriate right now. Who doesn't want to be rich? I have been poor and relatively wealthy, but have a fairly healthy disregard for money. The Stalker and the Lunatic have both been seriously rich, neither seems to have been too happy although the Stalker gets huge pleasure in giving money to the poor. Shame she doesn't throw any of that coin my way.

The Name Of The Game - This song makes me think of predatory women, I have known a few, I don't know if women can tell when a man is interested in them. I always just assume that women think all men are interested in them. Men can definitely feel when a woman is hunting them.

The Visitors - How I feel right now. Trapped, a long way from where I should be "I cannot move, I'm standing, numb and frozen, among the things I loved so dearly". One of the good things about being alone is that you tend not to carry too much dead weight with you. When I left Bangkok, I had one hand luggage with me, It had everything I owned in it. I have been know to get on planes with nothing more that my passport, toothbrush and wallet. You stay in one place you get possessions, you get tied down. I was happier before.

Anyway bye for now,
and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Feeling Sorry For Myself

2010-02-18T14:55:00.002Z

Todays P&L: GBP 0.00.

Todays Booze: I'm hurting man...hurting - Do a guy a favour and score me a shot...

Todays Soundtrack: My own howling at the moon and screams of suffering.

Man, I am in pain and have been all week. I suspect I have broken one of the bones in my lower leg, although it may not be broke, my calf muscle is black and has shifted position from the back of my leg towards the inside. The pain is pretty intense although I doubt its any worse than I have had in the past. The key difference is, of course, I am not soused on booze. In the past I would have been way into my third bottle of Vodka by now. Anyway, along with the pain I have a fever so, I haven't been able to trade, which is the only thing that gives me any pleasure these days.

I have been watching the markets on the box however as I have had precious little else to do while lying in my squalor on the sofa, can't even make it up the stairs and have the indignity of crawling to the bathroom. The markets are somewhat bemusing to me right now. Gold didn't drop as much as I had hoped but I managed a small long position at 1,074 dollars. I am concerned that absolutely nothing has happened about the Greek debt situation and the markets continue to open up to risk, pushing the stock markets higher. I saw one pundit on CNBC saying that everyone knows Europe has to bail out Greece, (which is true - otherwise adios Euro), and that what does it matter because it will only cost hundred billion Euros or so. Nice. The recent financial crisis has desensitised us to large amounts of money that they only register if they are in trillions. And to add insult to injury the investment banks seem to have b een involveed in fixing the balance sheets of the European governments with off-balance sheet swaps, disguising the true financial situation of their economic health. For bond investors, (which includes most peoples pension and insurance companies), this means that once again the investment banks are playing with a marked deck. The banks themselves are reporting solid earnings, feeling smug and rewarding theemselves with huge bonuses, of course its easy to make money when your cost of funds is nearly zero.

You Never Had a Camera In My Head

2010-02-12T12:22:00.006Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP-980.00

Yesterdays Booze: I never touch the stuff

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Various

Yesterday was a bastard day for trading, I got burned on the DOW30 futures. There was a huge amount of volatility, at first the market was looking healthy because it seemed that a solution was on the cards for the fact that Greece is bankrupt and the only way for them to balance their budget enough to stay in the Euro is to enforce economic warfare on their hapless citizens. You would think the Greeks would understand the concept of suffering for the greater good, what happened to Greek Stoicism? Anyway The Americans liked the sound of the Europeans bailing out the Greeks until Merkel basically said I just said we would, I don't really have any idea how were going to do it. The market responded badly to this. Then for reasons I am not aware, The futures started climbing upwards in quite a vigorous manner. Perhaps it was the, (slight), improvement in jobs data, maybe it was Obama taking a 180 degree spin and saying he ain't no communist and he fully supports the salaries that the CEO's of JP Morgan and Goldmans received. Speaking of Obama, perhaps he should check with America's bankers in Beijing to see if its ok for him to have the Dalai Lama for a sleepover at the Whitehouse. America may still have more guns and tanks but these days they are paid for with Chinese money.

My choice of music yesterday was varied so here is the top five according to my pc:

Enola Gay - Eighties classic from OMD. People say such weighty issues as Hiroshima are ill-served by bouncy pop songs. If you think of it at the time it was released, like Breathing by Kate Bush, nuclear war seemed very likely. The wording in this song is very clever for a pop song and mentions the bomb, (Little Boy), and the time of the detonation, (8.15). Anyone who gets the chance to go to Hiroshima should, the Peace Monument is something worth seeing. It is rather disturbing that the Americans deliberately avoided conventional bombing Hiroshima in order that they could gain a true picture of the damage their new, untested weapon would cause. And also that the other bomb used at Nagasaki was off a different type so they were quite clearly using the excercise as a test.

Boomtown - An instrumental track from The Local Hero soundtrack. Starts off quite jolly but halfway through it starts to sound more morose as the saxophone starts to howl a little more over the light jazz - What is it about Saxophones that can sound so desperate?

Hands of Time - Groove Armada, this song is about as laid back as they get, "I never really felt quite the same since I lost what I had to Gain. No one to blame, No one to blame". This song reminds me of the back of a cab, going through the streets of Bangkok in the early morning, feeling just that little bit the wrong side of worn out.

The Visitors - Who doesn't really like ABBA, They were never that big in America as they didn't see the point in touring. That is so Scandinavian, They were already huge elsewhere and didn't feel it was worth it, in complete contrast to almost every other musical act. Mind you they were also offered one billion dollars to reform in the nineties which they politely declined. Nowadays they are more known for the movie Mamma Mia, but they had some great songs. I like the way their music changed as the stresses in their relationships increased. Their last record, The Visitors is full of paranoia and regret although always manages to sound like a pop album.

Accidents Will Happen - Not the real Elvis but still a great artist. Armed Forces was a brilliant album. Accidents will happen seems to be about guilt based around a story of infidelity. This record also featured Oliver's Army.

Today I watched the movie The Truman Show. I like that movie, Even though I am not a fan of him, Jim Carrey plays the role really well. One of the lines that stood out in my mind, "We accept the world with which we are presented with... It's as simple as that". I suppose its true. Very few people seem to question the reality of their lives and if they do there always seems to be some reason to put things off. Some drudgery of work or meeting mortgage payments, something to stop us questioning our lives and following our dreams. Truman dreams of going to Fiji, pointing to a golf ball he says to his friend "See here? This is us, and all the way around here,Fiji. You can't get any further away before you start coming back". I love that - you can't get further away without coming back. We are the stars of our own Truman Show.
Makes me think about blogging, my blog started about my drinking but, at least temporarily, I don't drink anymore so whats the point?

In case I don't see ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

2010-02-09T18:45:00.005Z

Todays P&L: GBP 60.00 sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Todays Booze: Still clean

Todays Soundtrack: Bruce Springsteen

The markets were nuts today, There was some serious volatility on the DOW30 at the to four in the afternoon, (London time). The general momentum is upside - I feel this is a bit of a suckers rally. The reason being touted is that Greece has no chance of defaulting. Well I could have told you that, but do the Germans know what they are doing by bailing out the Greeks. What next? Portugal, Spain, Ireland and Italy. This reminds me of a sovereign version of the UK banking crisis. If the government had taken decisive action hen Northern Rock collapsed and let those fools go under the speculators wouldn't have targeted RBS and HBOS, which proved far weaker than anyone knew. The correlation between the Dow and the dollar is interesting. America continues to print money in the form of treasury bonds. Gold is falling and I have decided to see how close it can get to a thousand dollars per ounce before choosing an entry point. The real buying signal will be when the analysts and talking heads on the business channel say the commodities rally is over.

Am I losing my mind? I think I might be although there are plenty of people, my father amongst them, that would say I am completely insane. We are not a family that believes in therapy and the like but when I was fifteen my family was going through a pretty hard time and after my art teacher and English teacher made some recommendations based on my 0 level course work I was recommended to see a psychiatrist, which would have been used as evidence in a complicated legal case my parents were engaged in, (long story and any more details would be detrimental to my family). My father refused, even though like any angst ridden teenager I was well up for it, his explanation? "If they get their hands on this fucker, we will never get him out of the looney bin" - charming. I recently told poetry of flesh on her strangely erotic blog about a brain trauma I had in my youth. Here is the story.

When I was very young, although it seems absurd to me that I was ever that young now, I was something of a child prodigy. They didn't really give IQ tests to children in those days, but mine was regarded as way off the scales, even though I was numerically dyslexic. The test used was mental age and mine was predicted at nineteen plus. This was something of a surprise to my parents who thought I was slow because I didn't talk until I was nearly three. When I was laughing as they were teaching my elder brother to read with some children s book and they said to me you can't even talk so I don't know why you are laughing. I then dictated the entire book they were using to my mother word perfect. Anyway apart from being a bit of a smart arse there wasn't much benefit apart from never having to study. One day I was in the street and I saw my older brother, whom I must have been a constant annoyance to, with some friends. I ran towards him probably shouting abuse. It was evening, probably about eight or nine and he picked up a lump of concrete hardcore which unfortunately had a very sharp edge and hurled it at me as I was running full speed towards him. The rock hit me square in the forehead. Anyway It pierced my skull and damaged my cerebral hemisphere. Once I came too, my brother who by now was really scared took me to his friends house where she cleaned up the huge amounts of blood and stuck a plaster over the hole in my skull. I was still dazed and when my brother and I returned home he told me to go straight to bed and not talk to my parents, which I did. They clearly knew something was up because they came into my room and rushed me to hospital. I don't actually remember any of this, its just what was told to me, In fact I don't remember anything sbout my childhood until I left the hospital. I wasn't in long, because there was nothing they could really do, I have a small scar in my forehead which still has a chip of granite in it as a reminder and a solid bump in the middle of my head. Didn't harm my looks much so that's good, but I lost my photographic memory and while still a smart arse probably a hundred or so IQ points. I think Poetry was interested in if I thought it had affected my behavior in any way. As I was too young then and can't remember anything about what I was like before it is impossible to tell. It does seem likely that my willful disregard for my own safety and my compulsive behavior may have been triggered by it. Like I say, I have never been to a shrink so who knows?

My other head injuries are when I was in Lagos and I was arrested by the army for drinking moonshine and buying currency on the black market, I was forced to squat in the sun and when I fell I was kicked by some soldier who I gave some racist abuse to, (did say I wasn't so smart anymore didn't I), and I was bashed over the head a few times with the stock of his rifle - that got me five stitches at the back of the skull and a concussion. And the other One was when I inexplicably fell over in Spain, (the pavements are crap), I didn't have time to brace myself at all and landed face first on a kerb, which broke my nose and left me with a scar between my eyes. It also broke my cheekbones and pushed my front teeth a few millimeters back, (I was really worried I would lose them - cant stand dentists). Anyway those probably knocked off a few more IQ points, in fact, I am lucky I can even make it to the toilet unaided these days.

So that's one of my many stories, am I mad? probably but I have the scars to prove it wasn't my fault.

Today's soundtrack was the boss, Springsteen. Not to everyone's taste but I really like him despite not being an unemployed steel worker from New Jersey. My top five Bruce tracks today are:

One Step Up: Quintessential Springsteen, Its got the lot, Marital problems, beaten up old Ford, drinking in a hard luck town. This song could be about my trading, One step up and two steps back. Instead its about my life, "It's the same thing night on night, Who's wrong baby who's right, Another fight and I slam the door on another battle in our dirty little war.When I look at myself I don't see the man I wanted to be.Somewhere along the line I slipped off track. I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back" This song is sad but the final verse when he sings "Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms, the music was never-ending.We danced as the evening sky faded to black" and the music shifts into a kind of crescendo, you really feel like all problems can be overcome. This song reminds me of the Lunatic.

Downbound Train - Bruce's entry to the gloomiest song ever competition, who can beat opening lines like "I had a job, I had a girl, I had something going mister in this world, I got laid off down at the lumber yard. Our love went bad, times got hard
Now I work down at the carwash, where all it ever does is rain. Don't you feel like you're a rider on a downbound train. She just said "Joe I gotta go, We had it once we ain't got it any more". She packed her bags left me behind". Is it any wonder I drink so much with music like this on my playlist. This reminds me of being alone in Bangkok when my luck finally ran out.

I'm On Fire - Short and sweet, who doesn't love this song. reminds me of being a kid and not getting the girl I wanted.

Better Days - Optimism at last, This song reminds me no matter how bad it seems I haven't got that much to complain about. "Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening,to the hours and minutes tickin' away. Yeah just sittin' around waitin' for my life to begin, While it was all just slippin' away" And also to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time "Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure don't make much for tragedy,but it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin and can't stand the company. Every fool's got a reason for feelin' sorry for himself and turning his heart to stone".

Philadelphia - back to doom and gloom a track that is stunning in its bleakness, " I was bruised and battered, and I couldn't tell what I felt.I was unrecognizable to myself. Saw my reflection in a window,I didn't know my own face". "Ain't no angel gonna greet me,it's just you and I my friend.And my clothes don't fit me no more.
I walked a thousand miles just to slip this skin" This song reminds me of when I was hospitalized and the doctors said I doubt you will make it through the night. The Nurse three days later said to me you look healthy, but your the sickest person in this ward. The guy next to me died that night.

Other close contenders were Two Faces, The River, Born To Run, Thunder Road Murder Incorporated and Mr State Trooper.

Sing Blue Silver

2010-02-05T20:10:00.005Z

Today's P&L: GBP 310.00

Today's Booze: Still nothing

Today's Soundtrack: Duran Duran

Well the markets sold off again and for once, I was, (kind of), paying attention but my capital position is so weak right now I have to be cautious. So I had a few short, (ie I sold the futures, anticipating the price to drop), spread bet trades on the DAX30 and The FTSE100 and made one hundred and twenty and one hundred and ninety pounds respectively. I know it isn't much but as they are spread bet trades, the profits are tax free. When I had more capital I used to take a cash position and hedge it with spread trades, so if I thought the market was going down I would short with a spread trade, thereby avoiding paying tax on any earnings and go long the cash futures because as they are taxed I could offset the losses on my tax returns.

The market seems worn out, people are beginning to ask questions as to what happens next. I always felt that even though there seemed like no alternative the massive liquidity injections would lead to trouble further down the road and it seems that the rest of the market is catching up to this idea. The pressure to keep things going is intense. The Euro is also still being slaughtered as Portugal is the next in line for a potential bail out. This is ridiculous and if Greece and Portugal receive aid, why shouldn't Spain and Ireland and what about all those dodgy eastern European nations. Predictably, all the free capital is rushing back to the US dollar and the treasury ,market but this is foolish, there has to be a better way to employ capital than this.

Today's soundtrack is Duran Duran, it had to happen. Duran are the reason I got into a band. In the grim old UK of the early eighties Duran Duran blew the world away. I have seen them in concert loads of times and they are always great. They were a band who at their peak generated the kind of hysteria that only the Beatles and Elvis had generated before. I love all their songs and picking just five is hard but according to iTunes the ones that won today are:

Is There Something I should Know - A brilliant song , very simple and a request that most men have made when trying to figure out girls, (don't forget Duran Duran's target audience was thirteen to eighteen year old girls and their boyfriends). For a feel good song, this is actually full of paranoia and doubt "don't say your easy on me babe, cause your about as easy as a nuclear war" - only in the eighties and only Duran could have come up with a line like this. This song reminds me of drinking with my guitarist. I left the room to get some more drink and as I walked in he had his beautiful red Schecter guitar, which was seemingly permanently strapped to his body, and he picked out the notes that run through the song.

Lonely In Your Nightmare - Grown up music from Duran on the Rio album. To me this song is about loss.

Liberty - Strange song but quite apt for me, for me it seems to be about how tired you get from all the games man and women play with each other. The stalker is currently ignoring me. Apparently I have done something terrible to offend her - bothered! I often feel like pointing out to her that she was the one who forced her way back into my life, I didn't ask her any questions about what she had been up to all those years apart. OK so I am a bad boyfriend, but she knew this before. "Don't make it every night don't wanna be the love of your life, So if you are inclined to spend a little time I'll be here"

The Reflex - Is this the song of my life, who knows? I doubt if I would have lasted so long if I was just living on my wits. What is the reflex, I guess it is instinct we all have it. If you have ever been in a life threatening situation and due to drunkenness and reckless living I have been in several you know what the reflex is. Its the time I blagged my way across the Mekong after bargaining my way out of jail in Laos. Its the time in Burma I avoided getting married, its the time I escaped a machete attack in Douala in the Cameroons and its the time me and my father got into a bar brawl with five likely lads in Bexley on his sixtieth birthday. Sometimes you stop running and take a few licks, like that line at the beginning of Goodfellas, "Every once and a while I took a beating, the way I saw it everyone takes a beating some time".

New Moon On Monday - A song that was playing the first time I got laid, so good memories for me. Who knows what the lyrics mean "shake up the mixture, the lizard picture", Whenever I hear this song, I remember when I was young and nothing, absolutely nothing seemed impossible.

The ones that could have made it and on any other day might have are The Chauffer, Girls On Film, American Science, Meet El Presidente, Hungry Like The Wolf and Come Undone.

I Know When To Go Out, I know When To Stay In

2010-02-01T23:30:00.003Z

Today's P&L: GBP 180.00

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: David Bowie

Another sketchy day for me in the markets, I slept in and missed the European market open. By the time I was ready to go the futures were already way above fair value. I couldn't really get into the day as I had to do things for other people,(I am not the most giving of people). On top of that they screwed up my appointment at the hospital, my appointment has been changed to April. Which means I will have to go clean for an extra two months. I had assumed that if I got the all clear I coul have a glass or two of wine or beer. Anyway, I made two small spreadbet trades on the FTSE100 and the DOW30, but completely missed a good entry point on the gold futures.

Sterling is up and down against the dollar as the British economy continues to be fragile and the buffon Cameron seems unable to build a decent majority and the election looks set to be the sixth of May. I suppose the British election is unlikely to gain as much attention as the American one, after all "UK elects smug, over-priviliged git" hardly has the same ring as "US elects first black President", does it?

Anyway, the music of choice today was Bowie, another heavy hitter, and almost impossible to pick just five songs but iTunes knows best and today my favourite David Bowie songs were:

Ashes To Ashes - A song I've always liked and a massive hit. In fact the whole Scary Monsters and Super Creeps album was brilliant. Perhaps this got the top spot today for the line "Time and again, I tell myself, I'll stay clean tonight". I remember watching the video on Top of the Pops.The scary clown costume, Major Tom, suspended in his space suit and Bowie in a padded cell.

This Is Not America - Bowie with Pat Metheny, quite beautiful, for me this song is about clash of cultures but also the expectations in life that are often unfulfilled.

Life On Mars - Absolute classic, "But the film is a saddening bore, because she's lived it ten times or more, she could spit in the eyes of fools, as they ask her to focus on..." The lyrics are madcap but you just feel what the song is about - I suppose its different for everyone.

Loving The Alien - Another song about the clash of cultures, Believe in the strangest thing, like loving the alien", I have been out with lots of women from different cultures, (Well, in most cases going out with is a bit generous, does it count if you have to stop "because were landing"). Strangely though, I have rarely felt uncomfortable in whatever environment and no matter how racist they were. I suppose white people just don't feel racism as much as other ethnic groups.

The Man Who Sold The World - "Years and years I roamed ,I gazed a gazely stare, At all The millions here. I must have died alone, A long long time ago.
Who knows, not me, I never lost control, You’re face, to face, With the man who sold the world". A nihilistic song, that reminds me of my crazier days.

The close contenders were Modern Love, Putting Out The Fire With Gasoline, Ziggy Stardust, Day In, Day Out and Jump, They Say.

That Ain't Working

2010-01-30T21:29:00.003Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP - 540.00

Yesterdays Booze: Nothing, alright nothing, (do I sound irritable)?

Yesterdays Soundtrack: 80's madness but mostly Dire Straits

Another lousy day trading, I over traded and caught the market wrong every time. when I brought DAX30 futures it was at the top of the market and when I sold FTSE100 futures it was just at the bottom of the market. Another bite out of my rapidly dwindling trading capital. Damn. I am too old to go on the game. Still at least I am learning to cut my losses quickly. This has always been my major problem as a trader, I hang on to losing trades far too long, convinced that I am right. This is overconfidence that kills you. I may be almost as smart as I think I am but the market doesn't care. If you do what I do to make a living the golden rule is ride your profits and cut your losses. I know this but I also hate admitting I am wrong.

My music was eighties, mostly Dire Straits. No longer a fashionable band and looked down upon by most people but I disagree. I think Mark Knopfler is a genius the sound he makes from a guitar is exquisite. He was born in Glasgow but moved to Geordie land, (talk about out of the frying pan into the fire), when he was a child. His parents brought him a guitar but failed to take into account that he was left-handed. Most other guitarists in his position restrung the guitar and played it upside down. Knopfler simply played like a right-handed person would, which probably accounts for his extraordinary finger picking style.Picking just five of his songs is hard as my favourites change all the time. Its easy enough to pick the huge hits like Money For Nothing, when Dire Straits were for a while the biggest band in the world. I remember buying a copy of Brothers in Arms on vinyl the day of its release and knew it would be huge, it was one of those moments when everything aligns. MTV siezed on the , now laughable, cgi video but moreso it was the decision to release it on cd. At the time there was really only a few cd production plants in Europe and Dire Straits were selling so many copies that they effectively closed one down, forcing other artists to delay their releases. Anyway my five favourite songs:

It Never Rains - from the Telegraph Road album, this song is a hymn to the down on their luck. But its more than that it is about how human nature is to fight against all the odds, because when all is said and done, what else can you do. For me it reminds me of a lot of key moments in my life when, by coincidence it was playing on my walkman. When we arrived in gray old Tilbury and split up this is the song I was listening to as I wandered where I was going to live and if I would ever see my family again. When I lost my first job, this was the song that was in my headphones on the train home The line that gets me every time is at the beginning, "The bigger they are babe, The harder they fall on you, And you you're always the same you persevere, On the same old pleasure ground
Oh and it never rains around here, It just comes pouring down". The emphasis he puts on "you persevere", just cuts through to my heart.

On Every Street - The lead song from the record that had the unenviable task of following Brothers in Arms. It seems every artist that has colossal success with a record struggles afterwards. Wacko Jacko after Thriller, Fleetwood Mac after Rumours and Pink Floyd after Dark Side of The Moon has this problem. All the follow up albums were good and all went multi-platinum but the expectations were so high. Still I suppose there are worse problems to have. To me this song is about lost love. It reminds me of every break-up I ever had. They all end badly, if they didn't they wouldn't end at all. Knopfler is no singer but he uses words beautifully, "The lowdown - a picture of your face, Your injured looks, The sacred and profane, The pleasure and the pain. Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete. And it's your face I'm looking for on every street" Reminds me of going to places where old girlfriends used to go, just to see if they were as unhappy as I was.

Telegraph Road - I song I discussed in a previous post. The story of the beginning, the achievement and the end. Both the town that was built around the telegraph road and the life of one of its inhabitants. The song speaks for how dreams fade and how love can wilt if circumstances conspire against you, "I'd sooner forget, but I remember those nights".

Sultans of Swing - I have also discussed this song in greater detail before. The Sultans, such a grand title for a London pub band. This song is about dreams. I love this song but it reminds me mostly of my guitarist, he came from a shitty background and really wanted success but life got in its way. I am sure he is happy enough now but if he had the chance to go back, to really push and to become what he dreamed about, I think he would snatch it in a second. It was different for me, He had all the faith in the world in me but I just lacked the urgency, I couldn't see the clock ticking while he felt every second of his life draining away.

Communique - Is this song about the messiah? What would it be like for Jesus in a second coming, "Maybe he could talk about the tricks of the trade, Maybe he could talk about himself, Maybe he could talk about the money that he made, Maybe he'd be saying something else". I have the terrible feeling that if there was a second coming it would be televised and Simon Cowell would probably say, "No I'm sorry, the sandals just don't fit the market and the beard is all wrong, Sorry Jesus but you are not going through to the next round".

Tunnel Of Love - A song about growing up and about leaving home. "She took off her silver locket and said remember me by this, she put my hand in my pocket, I got a keepsake and a kiss". Life leaves its marks on all of us, we all end up bruised and scarred in some way, but just imagine how terrible it would be if it didn't happen.
Imagine never feeling the pain of that first heartbreak, or the excitement of that first crush. This is what makes life worth living. I think my biggest problem is I am just too jaded.

So thats Dire Straits then, I listened to lots of their songs the ones that nearly made it were Espresso Love, Private Investigations, Waterline, Love over Gold, Your Latest Trick, Walking In The Wild West End and Portebello Belle.

London Calling

2010-01-28T18:05:00.004Z

Todays P&L: GBP -350.00

Todays Booze: Still clean

Todays soundtrack: Varied

I was doing nothing in the markets today, didn't really have a grip and wasn't paying much attention. I was up about one hundred and ten pounds then rashly shorted, (sold), the DAX 30 too late in the day, so ended up with a loss. Damn, wish I was drinking.

Music today was London based, it is surprising how many songs mention or about London. I am not a Londoner but I love this city its the nearest I have to home, although Bangkok comes close as my second home. I remember when I first came to London to live. I had been here before as a child but mostly on my fathers ships or going to Heathrow. Coming here to live was odd. My mother still hadn't broken it to me that we were leaving the North West where I had been for a few years and was in school. She took me for a walk around the city and we had a drink in a pub near where the Shakespeare theater is now. I was twelve but could get served a pint even then. It was a Sunday and the city was deserted, then we moved towards the West End which is always busy.

Recently, I walked around the Old Victoria docks, I remember them from when I was about six, then they had lots of ships and they hummed with activity, I don't ever remember them being as crowded as the docks in Liverpool, which when I was at school, we would go and meet my father when his ship arrived. He worked for one of the oldest British shipping companies, Blue Funnel we called it although all the ships were named after Greek myths. I think the first ship I went on was called the Memnon or perhaps the Menastheus. I remember my mother picking me up from school and driving along the dock road and their being hundreds of ships. The Royal Docks were never that busy but my father assures me that in the sixties there were miles of ships. Now it is quite desolate, it is an extraordinary place but it hasn't had the rebirth that Canary Wharf had and its just on such a massive scale it is difficult to see what could fill it up. When I first moved to London Canary Wharf hadn't been built and the whole of the docklands was a mess. The people were forgotten about, "economically nonviable" was the term the government used. But that was London the wastelands of the old docks to the overpriced boutiques in Bond Street. My mother took me to dinner in Belgravia that first evening, there wasn't anywhere in the North West that had places to eat like that then. I guess apart from the ship, the most expensive restaurant I had been to at that time was the Clarence in Dublin. Anyway I fell in Love with London, I like to think I know the place as well as most but even now I find myself getting lost sometimes.

My favourite London Songs:

Baker Street - Touch and go with this and my second choice, but I think this just edges it, partly because Rafferty is a jock in exile also. The lyrics mean a lot to me, the world weary "He's got this dream about buyin' some land, He's gonna give up the booze and the one night stands And then he'll settle down there's a quiet little town and forget about everything". Or what about that feeling everyone in London has had at one time "Winding your way down on Baker Street, light in your head and dead on your feet, Well another crazy day, you'll drink the night away and forget about everything. This city desert makes you feel so cold It's got so many people but it's got no soul and it's taken you so long to find out you were wrong, when you thought it held everything." Shit this song could have been written about me and maybe twenty million other people.

Waterloo Sunset - This song is almost perfect, it is one of the few songs that I really, really wish I had written and it brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it. Something about this song just seems so right, when I hear it I stop to catch my breath. You walk around somewhere like Waterloo Station with all the people and nobody stops, nobody takes a second. I am sure Waterloo is nothing like it was when the Kinks wrote this track but all I need is to hear those opening lyrics "Dirty old river, must you keep rolling, flowing into the night, People so busy, makes me feel dizzy, Taxi light shines so bright, But I don't need no friends
As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset, I am in paradise". This song makes me feel alone but it makes me feel good about being alone.

Tempted - Not specifically about London, but Squeeze are the quintessential South London band. I lived in Deptford / New Cross for a while, what a shit hole. Tempted reminds me of the daily dramas that go on all around us without us ever knowing. People say life isn't like the movies, but the truth is that it is. My life is like Leaving Las Vegas. If you live in a city, just take a look out your window, all those people experiencing pain, sadness, passion...whatever. My problems aren't any more important than anyone else's just because they came with a higher price tag.

In My Darkest Hour - Ok Hanoi Rocks were Danish and this song doesn't mention London, but they were based in London and this song clearly is about London. Reminds me of an allnighter in the West End with my guitarist, we were freezing after getting thrown out of a Chinese restaurant. We wondered down into the underground to keep warm. after a while a train pulled up so we got on it. It turned out to be the Heathrow loop we woke up a few hours later sprawled out on the seats, late for school.

West End Girls - Two pretentious gay blokes who carved out their own space. They should never have been successful but Neil Tennant, who was a music journalist, took a look at the current music scene and said "I could do better". Many people say these things but he actually went out and did it. West End Girls was a huge hit in the UK. I guess there is some kind of lesson there. I had lots of opportunities practically gifted to me and blew all my chances.

So there it is, There could have been plenty of other songs, I listened a lot to the Pogues, Madness, the Jam and XTC. I am not a Londoner but this is my home.

Good Times, Bad Times

2010-01-27T18:29:00.005Z

Todays P&L: GBP 220.00

Todays Booze: Still dry

Todays Soundtrack: Hard Rock Wednesday, Led Zeppelin

Another dry day, this is getting ridiculous. I want to drink and feel I should at least have a whiskey, but I think I shall wait until after I have seen the quack.

The markets were negative today, despite Apple promising to revolutionize the way we have our media with the all new iPad. Caterpillar set the tone by announcing dismal earnings before the US market opened. They are an interesting company to watch because aside from being one of Americas declining industrial manufacturers, they usually give a good indication of the tone of the construction market, both retail and commercial. A more key indicator was the S&P500 future trading below 1,091. I am not a chartist, (someone who rigidly follows by and sell indicators on the charts that are generated by asset movements), but there are so many out there and so many program trades, that it pays to follow them. 1,091 in the S&P is a below the moving average and a point where the people who are bullish, (have brought the market), may feel inclined to give up their positions, thus causing further selling. It is difficult for me because my overwhelming belief is that the governments are in far more trouble than we know as a result of bailing out the private sector. This should mean they have to raise rates in order to attract investment which should lead to inflation and in an inflationary environment the last thing you want to be holding is fixed income bonds, so equities are usually as inflation proof as you can get, apart from gold of course which if it drops to 1,000 dollars per oz I will be buying.

Today I was listening to a lot of rock music, which and I know this is a cliche, but I find difficult to listen to without a bottle of Vodka and Wild Turkey, (I am nothing if not a traditionalist). When it comes to hard rock for me it has to be Zeppelin. One of the few bands I wanted to see but never got the chance. I was too young when they were at their peak and was somewhat annoyed when the Stalker told me she had two tickets to go and see the O2 reunion concert but gave them away as she was too busy to go. This was prior to our reuniting. Anyway, my top five Led Zeppelin tracks:

Whole Lotta Love - For a lot of people my age in the UK it was the music from Top of the Pops. A brutal, simple song that batters people into submission, the lyrics are questionable at best, but that doesn't matter just turn those amplifiers up all the way. Reminds me of talking to my guitarist friend at school, discussing how we were going to take over the world.

All Of My Love - One of the least popular Zeppelin songs ever, but I love it. Robert Plant supposedly wrote the lyrics in memory of his dead son. Even an industrial, commercial monster like Led Zeppelin is allowed to show some emotion sometimes.

When The Levee Breaks - Classic Led Zep hyper blues and possibly the most sampled drum sound of all time. The song is all about how nature can really screw up the plans of men. It reminds me of a mad holiday in New Orleans, sitting across the river looking at Algiers, wondering how long I could stay before I got mugged. Actually got mugged the next night coming back from the Napoleon House and heading behind Jackson Square - got to love New Orleans.

Rock And Roll - More good time music, to me this song seems to have an almost irresistible urge to it. For some reason when I am listening to it I can't help thinking of a snake oil salesman in some frontier town, possibly with his sidekick playing honkey tonk piano. Led Zeppelin will always seem more American than British to me.

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You - Led Zeppelin back in the days before it was all about the high octane volume and the money. Robert Plant sings like he never read Tolkien and Jimmy Page resists the urge to crush everyone into submission with a guitar riff. Bonham still hits the drums like they are weapons of mass destruction but that's just the way he was apparently.

So that's my favourite Led Zeppelin songs. Even New romantics like me in the eighties wanted to strut the stage like Jimmy Page and almost everyone who picked up a guitar HAD to learn the riff from Whole Lotta Love. Other bands did similar things, Black Sabbath may have been heavier. Deep Purple may have been bluesier, The Who may have been louder but Led Zeppelin were just more. I remember in the punk days reading a headline in some music paper, (Sounds or the NME - remember them)? The headline was Led Zeppelin saves the music industry and the by-line was new album causes world-wide vinyl shortage.
Disclaimer
I am not responsible for what may happen if you read this post backwards.

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

2010-01-26T17:34:00.006Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 200.00

Yesterdays Booze: Not a thing

Yesterdays Soundtrack: The Beatles

Still no booze! If Keith Richards can give it up for a few months then so can I. Still not concentrating on trading properly, which pisses me off to no end as when I don't have any money on it my initial assumptions are generally right. I had a pretty good idea that Apple were going to do well and drag along the rest of the market. Apple seems to be able to do no wrong right now, which is curious as they generally supply a high-end segment in the market and the current recession should have favoured the lower end. Apple are quite a brand. I mainly use pc computers for working on but have owned a number of macintosh computers in the past and of course I have my Apple ipod touch. They seem to have made paying over the odds satisfying, like German automobiles. Products like this make you feel good even if you know you could get the same basic product cheaper. Its like my Montblanc pen or Patek Phillipe watch. I imagine its how women feel when they spend a lot of money on shoes or handbags or when someone gives them a gift from Tiffany. Anyway, I shall probably buy a new Apple computer when I have some more disposable income and just use it for something like music or video or something else I fancy myself doing in the future - a true vanity purchase.

Today I have been listening to lots of different music but mostly the Beatles, it really is an apple themed day. I suppose everyone likes the Beatles. but even people as old as me can't really appreciate the impact they must have had in the sixties. My father makes it out like the Beatles would release a record which would be number one until they released a new record which would take over. I knew they were huge but they couldn't have been that dominant. Anyway, my top five Beatles records:

Eleanor Rigby - An impossibly good song, perfect for those who feel isolated, first time I heard it was watching Yellow Submarine when I was a child. "All the lonely people, Where do they all belong"?

Penny Lane - For me this is a feel good song, although someone once told me that Penny Lane actually used to be the site of a slave market in Liverpool. I was at a Paul McCartney concert when he sang this and he seemed so ebullient when he sang "Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes" the crowd went nuts. But what is "Four of fish and finger pies"?

Paperback Writer - Ambitious song. A young man on the make, who wouldn't want to be a writer? You have to love the verse that goes;
"It's the dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
His son is working for the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer, Paperback writer."

Help - What a surprise, someone like me loving a song like this, actually if I am honest I prefer the stilted cover version Tina did on her Private Dancer album."When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured"

Nowhere Man - This song appeals to me so much, I am not one of life's planners. I just tend to ricochet from situation to situation, seems like its always been that way.

Better Days

2010-01-22T19:35:00.002Z

Todays P&L: GBP 210.00

Todays Booze: Nothing at all

Todays Soundtrack: Too many to mention but lots of 80's pop

I received some comments on yesterdays post which surprised me, I thought any readers would be more inclined to argue the merits of my taste in soul music. I was asked about the stalker so I thought I should clarify the nature of our association. If I have given the impression I dislike the stalker that is simply not true, she is a wonderful woman. She is called the stalker purely because of the depth of her interest in me and the certainty with which she involved herself in me. It isn't that she was an unknown quantity, I had been in a serious relationship with her a long, long time ago, but we had gone our separate ways at her decision. I just use the stalker label to identify here, she has a very active life and I am certainly not the center of it although she does seem unable to give me up despite knowing my character flaws.

The Lunatic is also unable to completely let go despite it being ten years since we last spoke. For geographic reasons she communicates with me via email. Due to events that happened when we were together, I haven't provided her with my phone number, she wasn't given the lunatic moniker for nothing. Although she seems quite rational nowadays. Lunatic is just a convenient reference. The same with the Princess, who wasn't really a princess but lived near the palace and was from quite a high society family. There are other long-term relationships I have been in and I will probably refer to them in some off-hand way if they should come up in my blog. Most of my relationships have been very short-term for a number of reasons but mostly due to my unwillingness to commit.

I suppose I still have commitment issues and despite knowing full-well that most of my girlfriends have had far better options than a washed up, alcoholic gambler with a dubious past, still find a way to pull away from people. The stalker got her nickname for the way that she just bypassed my defense and re-inserted herself into my life. Take for example my recent birthday when she invited herself along to an impromptu dinner with my parents, who she is now on excellent terms with. Something that I don't necessarily think is a good thing.

Anyway I still wasn't trading properly today and missed another big sell-off in the equity markets, concentration issues due to no grog I imagine. The markets so not seem to like the Obama bank plan and with good reason. The banking system may be flawed but what he is proposing will not make things better. By banning proprietary trading from the banks and limiting their size he is insuring that retail customers will receive a bad deal. The banks may have allowed their risk taking activities to spiral out of control but leaving them with customer only orientated business will squeeze their revenues and reduce the ability of them to offer competitive lending to customers. In addition a new breed of less regulated financial services companies will spring up to offer the services that grease the capital markets of the world and will either cater only for the rich or will be tremendously risky for other investors.His proposals will affect every part of the sophisticated financial services that Europe and America have developed. I assume that his plans will also include the finance divisions of corporates as well, at least those that have received state aid. So General Motors will have to close GMAC and without the financing available you will have to either obtain a loan from a traditional bank or pay in cash for a new car. I imagine there will also be difficulty with deciding on the role of corporate treasury departments as well. After all how much of the currency and commodity trading done by Delta and United is pure hedging and how much is prop trading? In fact all commodity trading wouldn't be easily justified by the banks which would impact the exchanges. Of course if any country didn't have the same approach to bank regulation, they would have a major advantage over the US banks. All in all it is a poorly thought out plan which smacks of a man who has just received a lot of criticism for failing to do anything in his first year in office.

Destination Nowhere

2010-01-21T17:30:00.005Z

Today's P&L: GBP 90.00

Today's Booze: 4 pints of Stella Artois, 1 Large Talisker whiskey

Today's Soundtrack: Sweet Soul

Well, my recent melancholy continues, I was tempted to hit the booze but am trying to restrain myself, still drinking more than I should though. I am just so bored with all this. Nothing seems to change I feel trapped. I know everyone feels the weight of their life sometimes, but I didn't for years I went where I wanted and did what I wanted.

Everyone used to ask me don't you feel strange living alone in a hotel but the truth is I didn't. I loved it. I used to wake up after staying awake trading to the New York close, which is about three am Bangkok time. If the girlfriend was in my hotel room, I would wake her up and take a cab across town to where she lived so she could be home before her servants woke up. She lived across from the Royal Palace so the cab would drive back through the wakening city, the street markets beginning to be set up as the cab took me back to Sukhumvit. Bangkok never really sleeps so sometimes I would stop the cab and get out walking through the streets, the homeless sleeping everywhere, the tired hookers still looking for business outside cheap guesthouses. Then I would get home and grab a few hours sleep before eleven am, when after a shower I would head out for my first drink and lunch, usually at my friends pub near the Asok skytrain, just a short walk for me. Then I would drink and chat with friends, moving around the various drinking places until I felt the need to trade. I would normally try and get back about eight pm if there was any important US data. Sometimes I would get back earlier in there was anything big happening in Europe sometimes much, much later if I was having a good time. I rarely took a long-term visa so every month I would fly off for a weekend in Singapore or Penang or Jakarta or Ho Chi Minh and pick up a tourist visa on arrival. I can't count the hours I have spent in airport lounges in Asia.

Maybe I didn't have much of a purpose, but I don't have one here and life is a heck of a lot less fun. The stalker tells me if she marries me how my life will change and I just feel caged. It seems that if you let people into your life you owe them something, that can't be right. I feel like the coyote in the roadrunner cartoons that runs over a canyon and makes it pretty far until he looks down and realizes there is nothing underneath him. I didn't know I was running unsupported in fresh air until everyone told me I was.

Anyway didn't trade much today and missed a substantial fall in the European indexes. Trading is one of those things that if you don't focus you can get burned. Badly.

I was listening to soul and R&B music mostly. Far too big a genre to pick just five tracks, So I won't. According to IPlayer these were my favourites today:

Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay - An absolute classic, reminds me of a drinking in the Hong Kong beer bar in Penang with the lunatic ex and strangely leaving Liverpool on my dads ship when I was much, much younger. Otis had such a smooth voice.

Rainy Night In Georgia - Brook Benton is often overlooked but this song reminds me of how no matter how far away I was, I still thought of home sometimes.

Midnight Train to Georgia - Gladys Knight is also overlooked in comparison to the black female superstars, but this song is brilliant; "LA proved too much for the man", sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit you are weak.

Across 110th Street - Always loved this song, probably the first souls single I brought. Bobby Womack is perfect for this song, Luther or Marvin would have sounded too slick. "Crossing 110th Street is a hell of a tester". I love feeling sorry for myself as anyone who reads my blog is aware and Ok I didn't grow up in Harlem in the sixties or seventies but despite my middle class roots, I have ended up on the wrong side of the tracks far too often for my own good. My working class father tried everything to make sure I didn't suffer but my parents still shake their heads over my self-destructive nature.

Dance With My Father - Really a girls song in my mind, but Luther has such a perfect voice. "If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him, I would play a song that would never, ever end". I wonder what my parents, who went home today, will think about me if I die before them. Both my parents are scared of one of them dying before the other.

Harlem Blues - Branford Marsalis Quartet, I love this song. I am a city boy but sometimes everyone needs space to breath. "There are some spots in Harlem, where I am told its sudden death To let somebody see you even stop to catch your breath".

You Are Everything - Marvin and Diana, but the Stylistics version as well. When Marvin Gaye sings "How can I forget when each face that I see brings back memories of being with you, I just can't go on living life as I do, comparing each girl with you when they just won't do they are not you". Such passion, I feel it deep down inside my heart I just can't express myself. I can't remember ever telling someone how I felt about them to their face.

Never Forever

2010-01-20T15:26:00.003Z

Today's P&L: GBP 150.00

Today's Booze: 2 large Talisker Whiskies

Today's Soundtrack: Kate Bush

I am still stuck in malaise, but surprisingly irritable today. I am not often a snappy person, I am normally quite laid back, but today everything seems to be getting on my nerves. Perhaps its the reduced alcohol intake.

The markets are still difficult to trade, There was an initial sell-off in the US which I should have made more of because my overall view is bearish, (looking to fall), but liquidity is still thin and movements are as snappy as my mood.

Nothing much happened in the markets today, Bank of America announced pretty poor profits, in line with Citibanks yesterday. Morgan Stanley announced it will give staff compensation amounting to sixty two percent of revenue or fourteen and a half billion dollars. I am an ex banker but this just seems madness to me, I believe solid performance should be rewarded with bonuses but it is quite clear the banks have learned nothing after their humiliation last year. the governments sat down and played poker with them and surprise, surprise they lost. In the UK it was made quite clear that the government went into a panic attack when faced with the possibility of the public going to cash points that had no money - So we had the concept of "too big to fail". Now everyone knows where we stand, the banks hold too much power and for all the hard talk from the government they know they have the upper hand. The only fly in the ointment is if the governments have taken too much on by shifting the risk from the private sector to the public sector. It is just so annoying that an insignificant bank like Northern Rock is bailed out by the government to the tune of one hundred billion pounds of tax payer money when the entire budget of the NHS is just ninety billion for a year. And yet we are told that alcohol costs the NHS four and a half billion a year, that cigarettes cost nearly two billion, (bearing in mind that the exchequer raises nearly nine billion from tobacco taxes). This bail out money could have been spent more wisely.

Listening to mostly eighties music today, but mostly Kate Bush. She is quite an odd artist, she is one of the few female artists that has always had complete control over her music and is something of a recluse now. She lives quite near where I am currently hanging my hat in Windsor. She was discovered by David Gilmour when she was sixteen. Almost everyone my age in the UK remembers hearing Wuthering Hights, her first single, which was a huge record. Anyway my top five Kate Bush tracks:

Wuthering Hights - A song that defined her and an instant success. Very passionate. For me it is her wailing at the end, it really reminds me of the lunatic ex who would howl in rage when she couldn't express her fierce emotions any other way.

Breathing - A weird song but if you lived in Britain at the time you remember the protect and survive leaflets, ("If you hear the warning, paint your windows white to deflect the blast"), The test radio broadcasts of a world where nuclear war not only seemed possible but likely. The song suggests that no matter what happens there will be survivors. This song also suggests an intimacy between mother and child that is alien to us men.

Cloudbusting - famous more for the video featuring Donald Sutherland. A song of hope but with menace from the government. My mother worked for the foreign office and I am never adverse to a conspiracy theory. The stupidest thing is believing that what happens in other countries doesn't happen in yours.

Hounds Of Love - To me this song is about the risks of falling in love. I have always been a reckless character, I remember jumping on a plane in New York to get to a girlfriends party in Jakarta, cost a fortune at the time - last minute first class flights are never cheap, but it was worth it.

WOW - A song about actors, I suppose few of us show our true faces.

Its hard to just choose five of her songs, I also listened a lot to Running up That Hill, Army Dreamers, This Womens Work Is Done, Babooshka, There Goes a Tenner, James and The Cold Gun.

Winding Down

2010-01-19T16:19:00.004Z

Today's P&L: GBP 90.00, (I just can't get into it today).

Today's Booze: 2 pints of dry cider, 1 large Talisker Scotch

Today's Soundtrack: Bob James

Somewhere in England a minister is defending actions that he clearly had little to do with to a select committee, giving the impression of justice and democracy. This is the man who asserted that Britain was prepared to use nuclear weapons on Iraq - give him the Nobel Peace Prize.

Meanwhile the guardians of the Cadbury group who derided an initial offer from Kraft have decided that ten percent extra makes all the difference and capitulated. That thirty thousand jobs that will go soon. The Cadbury family were one of the first philanthropic families of the empire, they were responsible for introducing low cost housing, annuities, bank accounts and education for workers and their families. There is no place for social conscience in modern Britain.

The Euro continues to take a beating as the options for Greece look bleaker. In some respects I don't care if the Euro falls through the floor, cheaper French, Italian and Spanish wine and food, but on the other hand I do still have a small house somewhere in Spain which is valued in Euro's. I was doing some consultancy work for an American bank when the Euro was introduced in 1999, (non physical), We had a big party as we were a Euro Clearing House, even then I expressed my reservations. I just couldn't see how the diverse economies of Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, France and Germany could link up. Back then I said that the Euro would collapse shortly after the UK joined, but now I think the collapse is inevitable anyway. Greece will be bailed out at some huge cost but the end is on the cards and the longer it takes the harder the break up will be.

I am feeling rather mellow today, I haven't really been following the markets and have spent more time idly reading other peoples blogs and watching online television. I am glad to see the new series of Being Human has started on the BBC. I love that program the idea of a ghost, a werewolf and a vampire living together in a house in Bristol just appeals to me. If you haven't seen it you should check it out.

My mellow mood has been reflected in my main musical choice of the day, Bob James. I know Jazz isn't terribly popular but this is cool, easy listening Jazz. Good for listening to while you have a nice cold drink. My top five Bob James tracks:

Storm Warning - Sung by his daughter, Hilary. This track really brings a lump to my throat, the kind of broken hearted torch song that can make you feel so bad you feel good. "Storm Warning, feels like a heavy rain, Winds on the coast tonight, we might get tossed tonight".

Angela - Or as everyone calls it the music from Taxi. I always loved this, when I was a child I used to watch Taxi mainly to hear the music on the intro and outro and Marilu Henner of course.

Restless - Easy listening Jazz like Shakatak but much more accomplished.

Deja Blue - More of the same, makes me want to get a good scotch

Back To Bali - Doesn't make me think of Bali, just reminds me of stretching out in bed with a girl while this plays quietly in the background.

So Bob James, not to everyone's taste to "elevator music" for some people certainly for the hardcore jazz fans but I like him and I like his approach to music and life.

Bad News

2010-01-16T22:30:00.006Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP-1,100

Yesterdays Booze: 8 glasses of wine, 4 pints of Stella Artois

Yesterdays soundtrack: Depeche Mode

Bad day on the markets for me. The US data was good, Industrial production in America was up, Empire manufacturing up and the corporate data was much better than expected overnight Intel had good numbers and JP Morgan earned bucket loads of money. So the US stock market should have jumped and dragged the European indexes with it. So why did I get nailed on a ten pounds per point spread trade on the DAX 30? Who can tell?

Anyway, I left my beloved screens early, for all those who wonder why I am online so much I sit here with five monitors scorching my retinas, to go and have dinner with my brother and his wife and the stalker. We went to some trendy quasi-Chinese place in Soho. Dim Sum at nine o'clock, the stalker was outraged! That also explains why I drank more than I should have. I didn't drink any booze until I met them. The stalker was in fine form although, very pissed - she had had some bad news her billionaire admirer died and some sick children she looks after died on the same day, so all in all a bad day for her. She handles tragedy much better than I do. Like all good drunks, I am one sad song away from crying in my beer.

While I was at home I was listening to Depeche Mode, another of my favourite bands and one I have seen go from synth pop eighties goodness to stadium rock histrionics, kind of like my personal life. I have seen them live four times and they always put on a good show. My top five Mode tracks:

Personal Jesus - Forget the lame Marylin Manson cover, this is the best, "Feeling unknown and your all alone, Flesh and blood by the telephone, lift up the receiver, I'll make you a believer". this is supposed to be written about television evangelists, but it could just as easily be telephone chatlines or internet dating.

Its No Good - The most depressing song in the world, but with the casual arrogance of an aging Lothario. "Don't say you want me, Don't say you need me, Don't say you love me, It's understood. Don't say your happy, Out there without me, I know you can't be, Cause it's no good".

Clean - A forgotten track, probably about David Gahan and his struggles with addiction but when I hear it, I think of a guy in a padded cell, wearing a straight jacket, his body covered in cuts, screaming "get them off me" as he sees some invisible insects crawling all over him.

Shake The Disease - The first Depeche Mode record I ever brought. "Some people have to be permanently together, True lovers devoted to each other forever, Now I've got things to do, And I've said before that I know you have too, When I'm not there, In spirit I'll be there". Brilliant song, even when you love someone you don't have to be with them all the time.

See You - Early Depeche Mode very pop but even back then there was a dark undertone. When I hear this song, I don't think of a love struck teenager but an obsessive predator with a restraining order and a collection of photographs of the object of his desires.

Little Things

2010-01-13T10:37:00.005Z

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -410.00

Yesterdays Booze: 3 pints of dry cider, 1 large Remy Martin XO

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Elvis

A rough day on the markets. Just a few spread trades on the DAX 30 and the FTSE 100. Every time I went long, I got squeezed and closed out the trade for a small loss, they all add up. It's not a lot of money but I can ill afford any losses right now. I had hoped that the markets would return to normal after the Christmas break but liquidity remains tight.

The predominant sound of my day was Elvis. I am an eighties boy but I love the sound of black velvet. When I was in a band I made a lot of use of reverbs, harmonisers and compressors. Elvis used a microphone, my favourite five Elvis tracks:

In The Ghetto - An easy choice and in line with a recent post from the delectable Kitty on her blog, who can hear the lyrics "And his mama cries" without feeling some sadness?

Heartbreak Hotel - The original and best. Elvis as a young man but already singing about the loneliness and isolation that was his inevitable future. "Although its always crowded, You can still find some room, Where broken hearted lovers do cry away their gloom".

Suspicious Minds - Isn't it funny how sometimes the more you care about someone, the more doubts you have.

Viva Las Vegas - Party song for a party town. But if you strip the glitz away there is a very dark side. The acoustic cover by Phil Cody reeks of desperation. If I opened a school the motto would definitely be "All you need's a strong heart and nerves of steel".

Always On My Mind - Sometimes you don't know what you have until you lose it.

I should make a comment about the tragic earthquake in Haiti. I can't stand this kind of thing and I can see why so many people question the existence of God when something like this happens. It all seems so random and pointless. I felt exactly the same after the Tsunami, I used to live in North Sumatra so that had more of an impact on me but tragedy is tragedy, some just seem more personal than others. At least the governments of the world are making the right noises about mobilizing aid for one of the poorest and unluckiest countries in the World. If America can spend so much money sending military half way across the world then even in these recessionary times they should pull out the stops for a country practically on their doorstop. Even if it doesn't have any oil.

Seeing how ill equipped the UK is to deal with snow in Winter, we can only be glad we are not on a major fault line.

In A New York Minute

2010-01-11T21:43:00.004Z

Today's P&L: GBP 150.00

Today's Booze: 2 pints of Stella Artois, 1 large Rum Coffee

Today's Soundtrack: Don Henley / The Eagles

Another boring day, I am beginning to see why I drink so much. Christ, if regular, sober life is so boring maybe it would be better if someone put me out of my misery now. When I was a youngster I used to do so much that drinking used to be something I had to fit in my life. I was in a band, I used to write, I fancied myself an artist, there were lots of girlfriends.

What am I supposed to do now, get a hobby? Playing with trains, stamp collecting, classic cars? I don't need to go out looking for girls, I already have a stalker and anyway, whats another girl going to mean to me, I am forty after all.

In line with the music off the day though, everything can change in a New York Minute. What a great song that is. Of course to people like me, the lyrics are fantastic.

"Harry got up,Dressed all in black
Went down to the station And he never came back
They found his clothing Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won't be down on Wall Street in the morning"

"He had a home, The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes, As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore"

For me, this is one of the most perfect songs ever - not the whole Wall Street thing, my mother used to say to me I was too much of this world and that was when I was being relatively spiritual and I do wear a lot of black.

Maybe its time for some change in this world, we seem to be continuing down the same sorry path. Economically, America is still swaggering around like a heavyweight boxer that has taken too much punishment but is likely to make it through the next round. GM has decided to start talking tough about closing Saab in Sweden, the same GM that was on its knees crying for state aid a year ago. I don't know why the Americans think closing Saab down will bother the Swedes above and beyond the inevitable sting to national pride. Sweden isn't like the UK or America. These workers will be taken care of by the state. Almost all Scandinavians have, by our standard, an impossibly high social safety net. Britain is likely to be moribund until the election and probably afterward, because if there is any justice there should be a hung parliament, so I will have to reconsider my EUR/GBP trade. I am a bit surprised that China finally managed to overtake Germany as the worlds export engine. Perhaps it signifies that the world loves the kind of "cost effective" tat The Chinese make instead of the slightly higher quality stuff made by our German friends.

Blank Pages

2010-01-10T20:53:00.005Z

Today's P&L: Weekends, suppose I could trade the gold in the middle east

Today's Booze: Still being good, 2 pints of Aspinall Cider, 1 Pint of Stella Artois

Today's Soundtrack: The Rolling Stones

Well as my drinking is likely to dwindle until I have seen the quack, I have added the soundtrack to my day. I have been listening to other artists but the band of the day has been The Rolling Stones. I think I have almost all there records on my computer - records, how quaint! Next I shall be talking about going to the disco. The Stones are a little like me, against all odds they keep going. I have seen them in concert a few times and they are excellent. Still I suppose if you do anything long enough you develop a certain aptitude. A lot of people deride their huge money-making tours, but hey they give the public what they want. First Stones concert I saw was in the early Eighties, a European tour they knocked together after the success of the Still Life American tour. By all accounts they hated each other at this point but they still put on a good show. Back Then they played Wembley Stadium without any of the huge screens we are used to now. I actually met Jagger once in the club of a hotel in Bangkok, didn't get long to talk to him as he is very distant. For a small guy he is very impressive. He gives the aura of being much taller and I doubt I have seen a man who stands as ramrod straight as he does. Anyway after listening to The Stones all day, my favourite five tracks are;

Under My Thumb - The ultimate misogynist song of all time. I like to think I am not a misogynist, but I defy any man to listen to this and recall a time when he was messed around by a woman he probably cared too much for.

Gimmie Shelter - The song that rang in the changes from the hippy Sixties to the Seventies. An absolutely brilliant song that, to me screams of paranoia and desperation. When I hear this and close my eyes I see an eight track bolted to the side of a helicopter flying over Viet-Nam during the war.

Miss You - Still in the Seventies, The Stones go Disco, (told you). Disco music was supposed to be happy though. Jagger sings this like a man who is too tired, seen too much. Strangely it makes me think of back in the mid eighties after an all night party with a high school girlfriend. Not in the city, in the suburbs. That cold early morning feeling you get when you have been up all night. You are tired but you don't feel it because you are excited to be with someone. You exchange some small words of affection at the end of her road, kiss briefly and walk home feeling like you own the world.

Anybody Seen My Baby? - One of the Stones least popular records but this song is good. Predictably it speaks to me of loss. For me it reminds me of endless hours in Airports in Asia looking at people as they walk past, scanning the faces of women to see if it was either The Stalker or later, The Lunatic. KLIA in Malaysia is an especially soulless airport where I would wander through the oversized and bizarrely empty walkways, Knowing it was a place that my ex girlfriends were likely to fly through on a regular basis, but really what are the chances of bumping into someone in an international hub airport?

Wild Horses - I don't know why I love this song.

So why did I call this post blank pages? Well, I have been staring at the expensive buttery pages of the journal the Stalker gave me trying to think of what to write. Its so odd, in front of a keyboard I can type away, but its all vapour. Having the beautiful fountain pen she gave me in one hand and the clear, expectant page in front of me seems so real, like you are committing to something. You can't just backspace so its like if you write something it better be worth it. Its so long since I have written anything by hand as well, I doubt my penmanship is up to much.