Today's P&L: GBP 200.00
Today's Booze: 3 pints of Aspinall Cider
Today's Soundtrack: Fleetwood Mac
Early close today. My skin graft seems to be pleasing the doctors, still looks disgusting to me though. My leg is quite painful and I am still immobile. I have put on quite a belly since I couldn't move much - damn my aging, rotten old carcass. Getting old is a terrible thing. I have so many regrets, but if I could go back and do it all again I doubt I would have done much different. I wish I had treated myself a little better, but I would probably have missed out on some of my wilder times if I had. I do wish I had tried harder in the band as I would have made a proper celebrity, not like these chancers around today.
Obama seems to be making headway with the health program in the US, universal healthcare in the richest nation the world has ever seen - what an absurd notion! I still predict it will all come to nothing as America is a country that is dominated by the rich and there is nothing they hate more than higher taxation - still, I hope I am proven wrong. The Europeans true to my predictions have muddled through the Greece issue. Merkel seems to have gotten what she wanted, a weaker Euro, (to help Germany which is still the worlds leading exporting nation, although soon to be overtaken by the Chinese), And the IMF to actually carry the can for the kebab eaters. Make no mistake this is a bad business. The Euro zone has absolved itself from responsibility and proven itself to be nothing more than a currency of convenience. If I was a betting man, (and I am), I give the Euro in its present form no more than five years. Look forward to a Club Med Euro, (Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece), to accompany the real Euro. Anyone who is trading, should look to pick up Gold futures if it goes below one thousand and fifty dollars per ounce.
The UK budget was a bit of a joke, but what do you expect so close to election time. Both parties want to increase VAT, but who is going to do that before an election? Thirteen percent on Cider - looks like me, Sir Digby Chicken Ceaser, (check you tube), and the other park dwellers will have to switch to single Malt Whiskey. Having said that, I have faith in the UK this country can survive much, (except perhaps joining the single currency), We just need some new politicians and a thorough cleansing of Whitehall.
Music today was varied but for some reason I was drawn to Fleetwood Mac. A dinosaur band, I know but I am drawn to their songs and also the dynamics of the band. Their biggest hit "Rumours", was the biggest selling record until Thriller and is basically the soundtrack of personal relationships falling apart, (I like Abbas' last record for much the same reasons). I am not interested in hearing some Pakistani kid from Bradford or some white middle class kid from Maine rapping to me about the ghetto. OK, I don't expect everyone to have seen or experienced the things I have done, but if I am going to listen to a song I would like to think that the emotion is genuine. Maybe I am a fraud as well, When I was in some of the bad places I have been, I wasn't the target, there were a few times with guns pushed against the back of your skull, when you get really scared but you kind of know that killing a white european in these circumstances may cause more problems for them. Some black kid in south side Chicago or Los Angeles doesn't have that luxury. I remember reading somewhere that the average life expectancy for a single black male in the worst parts of Los Angeles is twenty seven - that seems crazy. Anyway, according to my loyal iTunes top five Fleetwood Mac songs today were:
The Chain - "If you don't love me now, you will never love me again". A really simple song with few lyrics, but have you ever felt that your life was inextricably linked with that of someone else?
Seven Wonders - This song really appeals to me, It reminds me of some of the deepest feelings I have ever had. When I looked into a girls eyes and just knew. "So it's hard to find, someone with that kind of intensity. You touched my hand, I played it cool". "So long ago, it's a certain time, a certain place. You touched my hand and you smiled". This one also reminds me of Lucy.
Everywhere - A feel good song, One of the first songs learned to play on bass while singing at the same time - although I tried to play the bass in the style of Jaco Pastorius. "c'mon baby, we better make a start. We better make it soon, before you break my heart". These days I look at everything at such a distance, I never let anyone get too close to me. There was a time when things were different.
Mystified - just a really beautiful song.
Tango In The Night - "I keep the dream, in my pocket - never let it fade away". A one-sided song, a man remembering his one love perhaps.
Other contenders were; Go your Own Way, Caroline, Tusk, Little Lies, Big Love and When I see You Again. Better get back and see if there is any more money to be made today.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Friday, 26 March 2010
Friday, 19 March 2010
Killing Yourself To Live
Today's P&L: GBP200.00
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: Rock
An odd day today, no real time for trading as I am off to get my dressings changed this afternoon. I am a little worried as the graft site has been oozing a lot of unpleasant fluid. This may be normal, what do I know I am not a doctor. The whole in my leg was packed with some kind of organic seaweed to assist the speed the skin would mesh. Sounds suspiciously like some kind of crap skin treatment they peddle to women, but hey, like Penelope Cruz, I'm worth it.
The markets continue to be tedious, One minute the Germans say hey, we'll bail out Greece, the next it's Merkel saying Euro members should be allowed to withdraw from the currency if necessary and isn't it the job of the IMF to deal with hopeless economies. Funny how we never hear anything from the French when it comes to bail outs. Normally the French are all over anything that has Euro attached to it, but when it comes to putting their hand in their pockets it's all "zoot allors - 'ow can 'elp I have several mistresses to support and a wife with a designer shopping habit. Go see the Germans, they are good with money and anyway they still owe us for those world wars". Still no one can accuse the French of being inconsistent, if it is not in the interests of La Republique they are not interested.
Obama has decided to avoid a trip to Indonesia in order to push through the massive shake-up of the American Health care system. The proposed changes amount to the biggest reform in US taxation in decades. All useless of course, because extending tax contributions to Medicare fails to address the problem that no one actually knows what the cost of medical treatment in the US is. The pharmaceutical companies charge a fee for a drug, which depending on circumstances is partly paid for by health insurance and the insurance companies give a bill to the patient. Nobody actually knows what the price, (or usefulness), of the treatment is or what the insurance company paid for it. Still interesting to see that the proposals include a ten percent tax on indoor tanning services which will raise two point seven billion dollars a year. The main revenue will come from taxes on investment income which may see taxes on capital gains in America reaching twenty five percent. I look forward to a wall of US investment money moving offshore in a similar way to the Euromarkets of the seventies.
I have been considering my life after someone I knew, not a friend but an acquaintance, died yesterday. He was a few years younger than me and slipped into a coma after some bowel disorder which presumably gave him septicemia. anyway he wasn't revived, he wasn't someone who has lived to excess he didn't drink much, never took drugs was engaged to be married in a few months, just a normal guy. His fiancee turned up to the hospital but he was already in a coma - so sad.
By comparison the way I have treated my body and mind is shocking, here are some numbers that apply:
One point eight million - The most money, (cash and liquid assets), in dollars, that I have had at one time.
Three hundred and seventy - More or less, the number of sexual partners I have had.
Forty seven - As far as I know the amount of fractures I have had so far.
Twenty Two - The amount of times I have been tested for STD's. Always been clean, thank God for condoms.
Nine - The number of car accidents I have been in.
Seven - The amount of times I have been shot at or threatened with a Knife.
Six - The number of times I have been knocked unconscious by a physical blow to the head
Five - The amount of times I have been broke,(zero assets, zero cash), although I only declared bankruptcy once.
Four - the number of countries where I have ended up in jail, usually just for drunken stupidity.
Three - The amount of times I have been proposed to by sober women.
Two - The number of times I have been hit by cars
One - The number of times I have been treated for Rabies, (bitten by a monkey in Thailand - bastard).
Music today was just Various rock tunes, according to iTunes the five most popular songs:
Rock Bottom - UFO, a song about how quickly life passes you by.
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles singing about Elvis, or black velvet as they called him back then. Sultry and erotic this song is so good.
Eurasian Eyes - Corey Heart, I have a bit of a thing about Asian women, I wonder if I had married the Stalker, The Lunatic or The Princess would my children have had their almost black eyes or my green eyes?
Blue Gene Vincent - Havana 3am. Not a very well known band but put together by Paul Simonon from The Clash. This song tells the story of Gene Vincent, "had to go and take a race with the devil, take another drink to ease the pain" . Be Bop a LuLa.
Dissapear - INXS, remember when they were the biggest band around? Poor old Hutch. When you have been fairly close to death a few times you start to consider, I really wouldn't want to die in an embarrassing way. Hutch had the plastic bag over his head and the belt around his neck, Elvis died on the toilet. No death is good but a little dignity would be nice. I have taken to carrying around letters from creditors and final demands, with a few tear stains and "I just can't take anymore" scrawled drunkenly across them. Hopefully if I die and no one discovers me for a while the verdict will be suicide due to extreme pressure placed on me by the unfeeling banks.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: Rock
An odd day today, no real time for trading as I am off to get my dressings changed this afternoon. I am a little worried as the graft site has been oozing a lot of unpleasant fluid. This may be normal, what do I know I am not a doctor. The whole in my leg was packed with some kind of organic seaweed to assist the speed the skin would mesh. Sounds suspiciously like some kind of crap skin treatment they peddle to women, but hey, like Penelope Cruz, I'm worth it.
The markets continue to be tedious, One minute the Germans say hey, we'll bail out Greece, the next it's Merkel saying Euro members should be allowed to withdraw from the currency if necessary and isn't it the job of the IMF to deal with hopeless economies. Funny how we never hear anything from the French when it comes to bail outs. Normally the French are all over anything that has Euro attached to it, but when it comes to putting their hand in their pockets it's all "zoot allors - 'ow can 'elp I have several mistresses to support and a wife with a designer shopping habit. Go see the Germans, they are good with money and anyway they still owe us for those world wars". Still no one can accuse the French of being inconsistent, if it is not in the interests of La Republique they are not interested.
Obama has decided to avoid a trip to Indonesia in order to push through the massive shake-up of the American Health care system. The proposed changes amount to the biggest reform in US taxation in decades. All useless of course, because extending tax contributions to Medicare fails to address the problem that no one actually knows what the cost of medical treatment in the US is. The pharmaceutical companies charge a fee for a drug, which depending on circumstances is partly paid for by health insurance and the insurance companies give a bill to the patient. Nobody actually knows what the price, (or usefulness), of the treatment is or what the insurance company paid for it. Still interesting to see that the proposals include a ten percent tax on indoor tanning services which will raise two point seven billion dollars a year. The main revenue will come from taxes on investment income which may see taxes on capital gains in America reaching twenty five percent. I look forward to a wall of US investment money moving offshore in a similar way to the Euromarkets of the seventies.
I have been considering my life after someone I knew, not a friend but an acquaintance, died yesterday. He was a few years younger than me and slipped into a coma after some bowel disorder which presumably gave him septicemia. anyway he wasn't revived, he wasn't someone who has lived to excess he didn't drink much, never took drugs was engaged to be married in a few months, just a normal guy. His fiancee turned up to the hospital but he was already in a coma - so sad.
By comparison the way I have treated my body and mind is shocking, here are some numbers that apply:
One point eight million - The most money, (cash and liquid assets), in dollars, that I have had at one time.
Three hundred and seventy - More or less, the number of sexual partners I have had.
Forty seven - As far as I know the amount of fractures I have had so far.
Twenty Two - The amount of times I have been tested for STD's. Always been clean, thank God for condoms.
Nine - The number of car accidents I have been in.
Seven - The amount of times I have been shot at or threatened with a Knife.
Six - The number of times I have been knocked unconscious by a physical blow to the head
Five - The amount of times I have been broke,(zero assets, zero cash), although I only declared bankruptcy once.
Four - the number of countries where I have ended up in jail, usually just for drunken stupidity.
Three - The amount of times I have been proposed to by sober women.
Two - The number of times I have been hit by cars
One - The number of times I have been treated for Rabies, (bitten by a monkey in Thailand - bastard).
Music today was just Various rock tunes, according to iTunes the five most popular songs:
Rock Bottom - UFO, a song about how quickly life passes you by.
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles singing about Elvis, or black velvet as they called him back then. Sultry and erotic this song is so good.
Eurasian Eyes - Corey Heart, I have a bit of a thing about Asian women, I wonder if I had married the Stalker, The Lunatic or The Princess would my children have had their almost black eyes or my green eyes?
Blue Gene Vincent - Havana 3am. Not a very well known band but put together by Paul Simonon from The Clash. This song tells the story of Gene Vincent, "had to go and take a race with the devil, take another drink to ease the pain" . Be Bop a LuLa.
Dissapear - INXS, remember when they were the biggest band around? Poor old Hutch. When you have been fairly close to death a few times you start to consider, I really wouldn't want to die in an embarrassing way. Hutch had the plastic bag over his head and the belt around his neck, Elvis died on the toilet. No death is good but a little dignity would be nice. I have taken to carrying around letters from creditors and final demands, with a few tear stains and "I just can't take anymore" scrawled drunkenly across them. Hopefully if I die and no one discovers me for a while the verdict will be suicide due to extreme pressure placed on me by the unfeeling banks.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Tell Her I'll Be Waiting, The Usual Place
Today's P&L: GBP40.00
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: Roxy Music, Bryan Ferry
One quick exploratory trade today, a quick buy of FTSE 100 futures, the markets are far too range bound for me to make any money trading. Unless there is some real movement I cant cover the spread which is the difference between the bid, (price to buy) and the offer, (price to sell). These markets are unsatisfactory. I need to make some money and soon. The Federal Reserve maintained base rates at 0.25%, which is great for the banks rebuilding their balance sheets, but at this stage and with unemployment so high, consumers are not responding - what more do you have to do, give away money to encourage people to buy? The continuing reliance on cheap credit is worrying to me. You know any one reading this that thinks I take the markets seriously, should know that I am aware this is all bull. Its what I do for a living because its the only thing I have ever done - I have no other skills. I understand that ordinary people have real jobs and little interest in the markets, I have parents that live in Euro land and don't really understand why their pension varies every month based on what seems to them random numbers on a screen. I am aware that the pools of capital that are magically multiplied through derivatives are the results of peoples working lives. People like my parents fail to understand that there really wasn't any expectation for them to live too long past their retirement. The pyramid scheme that is National Insurance in the UK rather hoped that people like my parents would die shortly after retirement and not be too much of a drain on the system. My father was born in one of the worst areas of Glasgow in nineteen thirty nine and whatever actuaries they used then predicted the average life expectancy of someone like him as fifty four. He has rather inconveniently lived longer than he should have.
Talking of the news, Reuters had a story that the Ukraine has announced a deal to sell 20 tanks and 10,000 Kalashnikov rifles to the Congo for eighty million dollars. I spent three days in Matadi a lifetime ago and the last thing they need is more guns.
Why the fuck am I worried about the helpless people of the Congo, when I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads? Must be my Catholic guilt. Mind you I am just like everyone else what am I going to do, join Amnesty International?
Today I was listening to Roxy Music, just the name is enough for me. Roxy Music, makes me think of Art Deco dance halls and cinemas with neon signs inviting you inside, long ago before going to the cinema meant an anonymous multiplex. Bryan Ferry is a strange frontman, so casually elegant. Apparently he was born in some poor northern family. He is sort of the musical equivalent of Cary Grant, who famously said "even I can't be Cary Grant all the time". According to the computer these are my top five Roxy/Ferry songs today:
Slave To Love - obvious choice for a closet romantic like me. The vocals are light, sometimes too distant but the passion that bubbles throughout the song comes to the surface in the guitar break. Check out the video on youtube and see how effortlessly stylish Ferry is. The lyrics "To need a woman, You've got to know, How the strong get weak,And the rich get poor", mean a lot to me but I still can't decide does it mean if you finally have to count on a woman, have you gone from strong to weak or does the woman make you weak? The other lines that matter to me are "The storm is breaking, Or so it seems.We're too young to reason,Too grown up to dream".
Same Old Scene - A song about how young love turns old or how you wish old love could be more like young love? "Nothing lasts forever, of that I'm sure". "In our lighter moments, precious few, Its all that heavy weather we're going through". Young love may be cruel but as you get older the sweet moments become rarer and rarer. The banality of life infringes on you.
Jealous Guy - One of the few songs that many people will say is better than the original, and when your talking about Lennon your on touchy ground. I just feel that the delivery Ferry gives is extraordinary. It reminds me of all the times I have deliberately hurt women because I was too scared or cowardly to face my responsibilities. This song reminds me of Lucy.
Oh Yeah - This song reminds me of the first date "How can we drive to a movie show, when the music is here in my car". My life hasn't always been so different, I did have some normality although it is hard to imagine. The Stalker once choked on her drink when she asked me how my parents taught me about sex education and I told her about having a few beers in a bar/brothel in Africa with my father when I was twelve.
Avalon - Music to sleep to. A sublime song that sums up that feeling at the end of a party, as the sun struggles to illuminate the sky. But also a song that reminds me of that point when your with a girl and you don't need to say anything. You both know what is happening between you. Her gestures signals compliance, you know you can touch her neck or caress her arm and there is no awkwardness.
Anyway as always,
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: Roxy Music, Bryan Ferry
One quick exploratory trade today, a quick buy of FTSE 100 futures, the markets are far too range bound for me to make any money trading. Unless there is some real movement I cant cover the spread which is the difference between the bid, (price to buy) and the offer, (price to sell). These markets are unsatisfactory. I need to make some money and soon. The Federal Reserve maintained base rates at 0.25%, which is great for the banks rebuilding their balance sheets, but at this stage and with unemployment so high, consumers are not responding - what more do you have to do, give away money to encourage people to buy? The continuing reliance on cheap credit is worrying to me. You know any one reading this that thinks I take the markets seriously, should know that I am aware this is all bull. Its what I do for a living because its the only thing I have ever done - I have no other skills. I understand that ordinary people have real jobs and little interest in the markets, I have parents that live in Euro land and don't really understand why their pension varies every month based on what seems to them random numbers on a screen. I am aware that the pools of capital that are magically multiplied through derivatives are the results of peoples working lives. People like my parents fail to understand that there really wasn't any expectation for them to live too long past their retirement. The pyramid scheme that is National Insurance in the UK rather hoped that people like my parents would die shortly after retirement and not be too much of a drain on the system. My father was born in one of the worst areas of Glasgow in nineteen thirty nine and whatever actuaries they used then predicted the average life expectancy of someone like him as fifty four. He has rather inconveniently lived longer than he should have.
Talking of the news, Reuters had a story that the Ukraine has announced a deal to sell 20 tanks and 10,000 Kalashnikov rifles to the Congo for eighty million dollars. I spent three days in Matadi a lifetime ago and the last thing they need is more guns.
Why the fuck am I worried about the helpless people of the Congo, when I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads? Must be my Catholic guilt. Mind you I am just like everyone else what am I going to do, join Amnesty International?
Today I was listening to Roxy Music, just the name is enough for me. Roxy Music, makes me think of Art Deco dance halls and cinemas with neon signs inviting you inside, long ago before going to the cinema meant an anonymous multiplex. Bryan Ferry is a strange frontman, so casually elegant. Apparently he was born in some poor northern family. He is sort of the musical equivalent of Cary Grant, who famously said "even I can't be Cary Grant all the time". According to the computer these are my top five Roxy/Ferry songs today:
Slave To Love - obvious choice for a closet romantic like me. The vocals are light, sometimes too distant but the passion that bubbles throughout the song comes to the surface in the guitar break. Check out the video on youtube and see how effortlessly stylish Ferry is. The lyrics "To need a woman, You've got to know, How the strong get weak,And the rich get poor", mean a lot to me but I still can't decide does it mean if you finally have to count on a woman, have you gone from strong to weak or does the woman make you weak? The other lines that matter to me are "The storm is breaking, Or so it seems.We're too young to reason,Too grown up to dream".
Same Old Scene - A song about how young love turns old or how you wish old love could be more like young love? "Nothing lasts forever, of that I'm sure". "In our lighter moments, precious few, Its all that heavy weather we're going through". Young love may be cruel but as you get older the sweet moments become rarer and rarer. The banality of life infringes on you.
Jealous Guy - One of the few songs that many people will say is better than the original, and when your talking about Lennon your on touchy ground. I just feel that the delivery Ferry gives is extraordinary. It reminds me of all the times I have deliberately hurt women because I was too scared or cowardly to face my responsibilities. This song reminds me of Lucy.
Oh Yeah - This song reminds me of the first date "How can we drive to a movie show, when the music is here in my car". My life hasn't always been so different, I did have some normality although it is hard to imagine. The Stalker once choked on her drink when she asked me how my parents taught me about sex education and I told her about having a few beers in a bar/brothel in Africa with my father when I was twelve.
Avalon - Music to sleep to. A sublime song that sums up that feeling at the end of a party, as the sun struggles to illuminate the sky. But also a song that reminds me of that point when your with a girl and you don't need to say anything. You both know what is happening between you. Her gestures signals compliance, you know you can touch her neck or caress her arm and there is no awkwardness.
Anyway as always,
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Home Alone
Todays P&L: 0.00 GBP
Todays Booze: 2 pints of cider, 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664
Todays Soundtrack: Sad songs
So I am home at last, temporarily, I have to go back in two days to change the dressings on my leg, (I am bandaged from my toes to my hip, with a cast surrounding the actual graft). The pain is quite intense, not on the actual graft where all the skin, fat and nerves have been removed but on the donor sites where they have cut just far enough into the skin to expose the nerve endings. I let myself down and had a few drinks, because of the length of my sobriety the feeling was quite good and I definitely gained some minimal relief. I have a liter bottle of Talisker and Bacardi on hand but strangely do not feel compelled to open them. Perhaps I am losing my dipso urges - so sad. I am glad to be out of the hospital although I am still relatively immobile and putting far too much weight on my injured leg, I just couldn't stand it in there any longer, I was practically becoming institutionalized. The doctors and nurses did a good job, although I could have done without a trainee nurse throwing up when she saw the wound after the first operation when they carved away half my lower leg.
The stalker seems to have split up with me, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I was sort of getting used to her. At the same time I did warn her I am not a good patient and she should avoid me until I am feeling better. Anyway, I am feeling far too removed from humanity right now to worry about her happiness, maybe its just another chance I have blown, i'll just add it to the list.
I haven't really checked out the markets during my incarceration, (I had a laptop at first, but the stalker took it back in a strop), a quick glance at old news shows that the crisis in Greece is over, (good luck with that). The Chinese continue their relentless search for natural resources by using their huge cash reserves, (Three billion dollars for Argentina's state owned energy exporter). Hang on a minute, Argentina doesn't have any significant oil reserves. If I was the British government, I wouldn't count on Chinese support if any Falkland Islands tensions increase. The market continues to increase although it definitely has the feeling of being overbought. Why not? Equities make more sense than anything else in a world swimming with liquidity and that's what concerns me most. Despite the shock of very nearly seeing a complete collapse of the international banking system. Everything is fine thanks to excess liquidity. Once again we have ordered another round of drinks but no one is really sure who is going to pay the tab when it comes.
Back at home I have been listening to my vast music collection and in line with my current self-pity and perhaps because of the stalker I have once again been listening to sad songs.
Rough Boy - ZZ Top with a mighty soulful blues guitar. This song makes me feel that being alone isn't so bad. In this song Billy Gibbons is willing to fight but it doesn't really matter, what happens happens. Guys spend all this energy looking for a perfect woman, I don't know maybe I am too arrogant but I really am beyond all that. I want to be happy, who doesn't? My days of making too many compromises are over.
Virgin State Of Mind - K's Choice, not widely known although I bet a lot of lesbians know who they are. This is a disturbing but erotic song that seems to wrap itself around you, sort of like the feeling you get when the warmth of alcohol starts to affect you. The huskiness in her voice when she sings "Do you think I'm sexy, do you think I really care", sends shivers down my spine. This is music for lost love.
I Like Chopin - classic eighties europop. I prefer to listen to the extended version. It has that eighties veneer of refined perfection. The nonchalant vocals remind me of the days when I thought I was living the good life. None of the piano refrains in the song are Chopin but that doesn't matter. This song reminds me of when I turned up to an interview wearing a dinner suit with a classic wing collar shirt, (I had been out all night and didn't have time to go home).
Somebody Save Me - By Remi Zero, quite a rock track. "All my dreams have fallen down
crawling around somebody save me, and two warm hands break right through me, Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just stay, Stay, Come on, I've been waiting for you". Pleading for someones help, not something I would ever do in public, although in my darker hours, like my prayers to the moonlight, its something I do. Rule number one never show weakness in front of anyone. I learned this at a young age. There is nothing wrong with crying but save it for when your in private. No one else is interested, in fact most people will find your weakness repellent.
Here You Come Again - I don't mind admitting I like Dolly Parton, I could say its because of her genuine rags to riches story, coming from the crushing poverty of the Smoky Mountains. Or I could say its because she is a consummate business person or that she is a philanthropist. The truth is I love this song. Who hasn't had that feeling when they have accidentally bumped into a former lover, "here you come again, looking better than a body has a right to, and shaking me up so that all I really know is here you come again and here I go". I don't know what its like for girls but boys play silly games, you want to sleep with as many women as possible and I did that as well, but since I was twenty five or so every girl I have ever slept with, (with a few exceptions), has been because I wanted to. And if a girl attracts you that much then of course its going to affect you when you see here being with other people or just getting along with life - without you.
Anyway time to sign out, Happy Mothers Day to any mothers out there...
In case I don't see 'ya...Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!
Todays Booze: 2 pints of cider, 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664
Todays Soundtrack: Sad songs
So I am home at last, temporarily, I have to go back in two days to change the dressings on my leg, (I am bandaged from my toes to my hip, with a cast surrounding the actual graft). The pain is quite intense, not on the actual graft where all the skin, fat and nerves have been removed but on the donor sites where they have cut just far enough into the skin to expose the nerve endings. I let myself down and had a few drinks, because of the length of my sobriety the feeling was quite good and I definitely gained some minimal relief. I have a liter bottle of Talisker and Bacardi on hand but strangely do not feel compelled to open them. Perhaps I am losing my dipso urges - so sad. I am glad to be out of the hospital although I am still relatively immobile and putting far too much weight on my injured leg, I just couldn't stand it in there any longer, I was practically becoming institutionalized. The doctors and nurses did a good job, although I could have done without a trainee nurse throwing up when she saw the wound after the first operation when they carved away half my lower leg.
The stalker seems to have split up with me, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I was sort of getting used to her. At the same time I did warn her I am not a good patient and she should avoid me until I am feeling better. Anyway, I am feeling far too removed from humanity right now to worry about her happiness, maybe its just another chance I have blown, i'll just add it to the list.
I haven't really checked out the markets during my incarceration, (I had a laptop at first, but the stalker took it back in a strop), a quick glance at old news shows that the crisis in Greece is over, (good luck with that). The Chinese continue their relentless search for natural resources by using their huge cash reserves, (Three billion dollars for Argentina's state owned energy exporter). Hang on a minute, Argentina doesn't have any significant oil reserves. If I was the British government, I wouldn't count on Chinese support if any Falkland Islands tensions increase. The market continues to increase although it definitely has the feeling of being overbought. Why not? Equities make more sense than anything else in a world swimming with liquidity and that's what concerns me most. Despite the shock of very nearly seeing a complete collapse of the international banking system. Everything is fine thanks to excess liquidity. Once again we have ordered another round of drinks but no one is really sure who is going to pay the tab when it comes.
Back at home I have been listening to my vast music collection and in line with my current self-pity and perhaps because of the stalker I have once again been listening to sad songs.
Rough Boy - ZZ Top with a mighty soulful blues guitar. This song makes me feel that being alone isn't so bad. In this song Billy Gibbons is willing to fight but it doesn't really matter, what happens happens. Guys spend all this energy looking for a perfect woman, I don't know maybe I am too arrogant but I really am beyond all that. I want to be happy, who doesn't? My days of making too many compromises are over.
Virgin State Of Mind - K's Choice, not widely known although I bet a lot of lesbians know who they are. This is a disturbing but erotic song that seems to wrap itself around you, sort of like the feeling you get when the warmth of alcohol starts to affect you. The huskiness in her voice when she sings "Do you think I'm sexy, do you think I really care", sends shivers down my spine. This is music for lost love.
I Like Chopin - classic eighties europop. I prefer to listen to the extended version. It has that eighties veneer of refined perfection. The nonchalant vocals remind me of the days when I thought I was living the good life. None of the piano refrains in the song are Chopin but that doesn't matter. This song reminds me of when I turned up to an interview wearing a dinner suit with a classic wing collar shirt, (I had been out all night and didn't have time to go home).
Somebody Save Me - By Remi Zero, quite a rock track. "All my dreams have fallen down
crawling around somebody save me, and two warm hands break right through me, Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just stay, Stay, Come on, I've been waiting for you". Pleading for someones help, not something I would ever do in public, although in my darker hours, like my prayers to the moonlight, its something I do. Rule number one never show weakness in front of anyone. I learned this at a young age. There is nothing wrong with crying but save it for when your in private. No one else is interested, in fact most people will find your weakness repellent.
Here You Come Again - I don't mind admitting I like Dolly Parton, I could say its because of her genuine rags to riches story, coming from the crushing poverty of the Smoky Mountains. Or I could say its because she is a consummate business person or that she is a philanthropist. The truth is I love this song. Who hasn't had that feeling when they have accidentally bumped into a former lover, "here you come again, looking better than a body has a right to, and shaking me up so that all I really know is here you come again and here I go". I don't know what its like for girls but boys play silly games, you want to sleep with as many women as possible and I did that as well, but since I was twenty five or so every girl I have ever slept with, (with a few exceptions), has been because I wanted to. And if a girl attracts you that much then of course its going to affect you when you see here being with other people or just getting along with life - without you.
Anyway time to sign out, Happy Mothers Day to any mothers out there...
In case I don't see 'ya...Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Skin and Bones
Todays P&L: GBP 0.00
Todays Booze: All I need is a little water of life...
Todays soundtrack: AOR, soft rock
So finally after much delay had my skin graft yesterday evening. There were some complications as it is a big graft, (if anyone has a strong stomach, I might attach a photo of my wound), they took skin from both sides of my thigh and patched up my skinless calf. I am glad they finally got around to it as I was feeling quite naked without any skin. When the dressing was off you could literally see the muscle and the white ligaments and tendons surrounding it as there was about twelve by five inches of skin missing. I am reliably informed that I will have some rather impressive scars, so if the stalker sees sense and dumps me at least I have a conversation starter. The stalker tracked me down in the hospital and last night when it looked like they were going to bump me off the theater list, she got angry and went and told off the consultants. she came back with her bad attitude intact though and gave me a hard time, couldn't help pointing out to me that I had been in the hospital for a week and had no visitors while the other inmates all had regular visitors from family and friends.
Speaking about health care,I may be complaining about the NHS but at least they are taking care of me, although I have paid plenty of NI contributions in the past, this is just one of the many times I am glad not to be an American. As usual it seems that Obama is once again proving himself to be the most ineffectual president since Jimmy Carter and backing away from any decisive action. He is withdrawing from any plan to curb the bankers and seems unlikely to make any significant push on the healthcare issue. It is worth bearing in mind that the unfunded pension and healthcare liabilities of the US are estimated at around sixty trillion dollars. I wonder why America is so afraid of universal health care, perhaps they think it smacks of socialism, but after bailing out the banks and the auto sector and receiving funding from Asia and the Middle East, can the US really be considered a true capitalist nation? Obama is suffering the backlash of course, his approval rating is falling faster than the pound. I remember the optimism when he was elected, although it has to be said that most of the people yelping in the streets were the middle-class white types, you know lots of women in ethnic clothes and blonde dreadlocks, liberal arts students, all saying things like now America can sit proudly at the table of advanced democracies. Still the guy picked up a nobel prize and his wife, who reminds me of the predator beast in Arnies movie, got a few magazine covers out of it. Actually Obama will probably win a second term because if, as I suspect, the world is just building up to a bigger crisis than the recent one who is going to want to be President. Obama had more goodwill than any recent president and now he is fading fast. The boundless optimism of the talking heads on the business channels and the obviously self-serving bankers is merely compounding the desperation of the politicians who do not want to be the ones in power when the music stops. The trigger for the credit crisis maybe have been the American mortgage crisis, (which can be summed up easily enough. The overpaid and overeducated but woefully under experienced quants had computer models that told them that it was ok to give mortgages or even third mortgages to bell boys and strippers in Vegas because if you mix enough bad mortgages in with a sprinkle of good ones you can turn crap into gold). The reason that these dodgy mortgages were wrapped, as we like to say, into CDO's and given a lick of gold plate by the rating agencies that were paid provided they gave good ratings, (conflict of interest, what conflict), is an insatiable demand for yield by investors caused by global low interest rates. The low interest rates allowed private equity funds to amass fortunes to take over any company they say a profit in reabilitating, (cost cutting) and allowed countries like Ireland, Portugal and Spain to expand their economies based on literally free funding. Meanwhile Iceland decided it was more profitable to be a hedge fund than a country and Dubai, recognizing it had little oil left decided to turn itself into a theme park complete with palm tree shaped islands. America decided to prove its commitment to capitalism by encouraging corporates to use the low funds to improve profitability not by top line growth, (which means increasing revenue), but by increasing bottom line profits which means cutting staff and off shoring anything you can, laying the grounds for the jobless recovery. The UK of course is no stranger to this I remember doing some consultancy work for an American bank which was being acquired by a competitor. the Americans came over with their list of redundancies, starting with the European headquarters in London, the plan was then to go to the other European financial centers and lay off staff in Paris, Frankfurt, Milan and close own some offices in other countries. They didn't last long in Europe however as they quickly found out that it cost a minimum of six times as much to lay off a worker in Paris or Frankfurt as it did in London. So the smaller European offices were left alone and a new list of additional redundancies were made up for London. It seemed a little unfair, but it didn't matter to me as I was a contractor and if anything it extended the length of my contract. The point of course was that workers of any type in the UK have little or no rights and that the politicians care little about the ordinary people in this country.
Today I have been listening to album orientated rock, which if anything proves I am in the right place as I must be sick - I put it down to the painkillers I am on which are good but no match for the Czech Absinthe I used to drink. According to iTunes these are my top five:
Africa - Toto's finest moment, I suppose in the eighties this seemed impossibly exotic, Reminds me of my experiences in Africa, sharing a room in Monrovia with about five thousand spiders as big as the palm of your hand, sailing down the River Bonney to Port Harcourt as the jungle got closer and closer to the sides of the ship and probably most of all moored across from Lagos at Apapa getting drunk in the sweltering heat listening to good music.
Waiting For A Girl Like You- Anyone remember Foreigner? This was a great song with an ice cold synth line. It may be about finding the right girl but for me its about all the girls I have hurt and the chances I have blown, maybe the Stalker is onto something and there is a reason I am the only person in my ward who doesn't get any visitors.
Don't fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult, a song that seems to be about final death but is actually about eternal love, "Romeo and Juliette are together in eternity".
I Want To know What Love Is - More Foreigner, I remember this song being in the charts for what seemed like forever when I was fifteen. I think I liked the video more than the song the sort of slow-mo scenes of people struggling through ordinary lives but being happy with the simple things. In my cocky teenage years, I was sure I was never destined for an ordinary life and never could imagine being happy with the simpler things in life.
Suzanne - On the album Raised On radio by Journey, reminds me of probably my first ever serious relationship, a girl of italian extraction called Suzanne, she wasn't the first or even the tenth girl i slept with but it was a relationship and it seemed real even though we were only in high school. I remember I was still a dreamer and nothing seemed impossible to me, but she was already for the treadmill of life, getting a job, getting married, starting a family. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had married her. In the school I met her a lot of people married their girlfriends. i just can't see how it could have worked out and i shudder to think of all the adventures I would have missed out on, still she was a great girl I hope she is happy now.
So thats it, i don't know why these songs all seem to be by American bands, one things for sure if you were driving in say, Arizona and switched on an fm radio station, there is a good chance you would hear one of them or at least a song by one of the groups. I better go now still need to rest - the quacks say there is a good chance that my graft may not take and the infection could still spread.
So Good day and...
in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Todays Booze: All I need is a little water of life...
Todays soundtrack: AOR, soft rock
So finally after much delay had my skin graft yesterday evening. There were some complications as it is a big graft, (if anyone has a strong stomach, I might attach a photo of my wound), they took skin from both sides of my thigh and patched up my skinless calf. I am glad they finally got around to it as I was feeling quite naked without any skin. When the dressing was off you could literally see the muscle and the white ligaments and tendons surrounding it as there was about twelve by five inches of skin missing. I am reliably informed that I will have some rather impressive scars, so if the stalker sees sense and dumps me at least I have a conversation starter. The stalker tracked me down in the hospital and last night when it looked like they were going to bump me off the theater list, she got angry and went and told off the consultants. she came back with her bad attitude intact though and gave me a hard time, couldn't help pointing out to me that I had been in the hospital for a week and had no visitors while the other inmates all had regular visitors from family and friends.
Speaking about health care,I may be complaining about the NHS but at least they are taking care of me, although I have paid plenty of NI contributions in the past, this is just one of the many times I am glad not to be an American. As usual it seems that Obama is once again proving himself to be the most ineffectual president since Jimmy Carter and backing away from any decisive action. He is withdrawing from any plan to curb the bankers and seems unlikely to make any significant push on the healthcare issue. It is worth bearing in mind that the unfunded pension and healthcare liabilities of the US are estimated at around sixty trillion dollars. I wonder why America is so afraid of universal health care, perhaps they think it smacks of socialism, but after bailing out the banks and the auto sector and receiving funding from Asia and the Middle East, can the US really be considered a true capitalist nation? Obama is suffering the backlash of course, his approval rating is falling faster than the pound. I remember the optimism when he was elected, although it has to be said that most of the people yelping in the streets were the middle-class white types, you know lots of women in ethnic clothes and blonde dreadlocks, liberal arts students, all saying things like now America can sit proudly at the table of advanced democracies. Still the guy picked up a nobel prize and his wife, who reminds me of the predator beast in Arnies movie, got a few magazine covers out of it. Actually Obama will probably win a second term because if, as I suspect, the world is just building up to a bigger crisis than the recent one who is going to want to be President. Obama had more goodwill than any recent president and now he is fading fast. The boundless optimism of the talking heads on the business channels and the obviously self-serving bankers is merely compounding the desperation of the politicians who do not want to be the ones in power when the music stops. The trigger for the credit crisis maybe have been the American mortgage crisis, (which can be summed up easily enough. The overpaid and overeducated but woefully under experienced quants had computer models that told them that it was ok to give mortgages or even third mortgages to bell boys and strippers in Vegas because if you mix enough bad mortgages in with a sprinkle of good ones you can turn crap into gold). The reason that these dodgy mortgages were wrapped, as we like to say, into CDO's and given a lick of gold plate by the rating agencies that were paid provided they gave good ratings, (conflict of interest, what conflict), is an insatiable demand for yield by investors caused by global low interest rates. The low interest rates allowed private equity funds to amass fortunes to take over any company they say a profit in reabilitating, (cost cutting) and allowed countries like Ireland, Portugal and Spain to expand their economies based on literally free funding. Meanwhile Iceland decided it was more profitable to be a hedge fund than a country and Dubai, recognizing it had little oil left decided to turn itself into a theme park complete with palm tree shaped islands. America decided to prove its commitment to capitalism by encouraging corporates to use the low funds to improve profitability not by top line growth, (which means increasing revenue), but by increasing bottom line profits which means cutting staff and off shoring anything you can, laying the grounds for the jobless recovery. The UK of course is no stranger to this I remember doing some consultancy work for an American bank which was being acquired by a competitor. the Americans came over with their list of redundancies, starting with the European headquarters in London, the plan was then to go to the other European financial centers and lay off staff in Paris, Frankfurt, Milan and close own some offices in other countries. They didn't last long in Europe however as they quickly found out that it cost a minimum of six times as much to lay off a worker in Paris or Frankfurt as it did in London. So the smaller European offices were left alone and a new list of additional redundancies were made up for London. It seemed a little unfair, but it didn't matter to me as I was a contractor and if anything it extended the length of my contract. The point of course was that workers of any type in the UK have little or no rights and that the politicians care little about the ordinary people in this country.
Today I have been listening to album orientated rock, which if anything proves I am in the right place as I must be sick - I put it down to the painkillers I am on which are good but no match for the Czech Absinthe I used to drink. According to iTunes these are my top five:
Africa - Toto's finest moment, I suppose in the eighties this seemed impossibly exotic, Reminds me of my experiences in Africa, sharing a room in Monrovia with about five thousand spiders as big as the palm of your hand, sailing down the River Bonney to Port Harcourt as the jungle got closer and closer to the sides of the ship and probably most of all moored across from Lagos at Apapa getting drunk in the sweltering heat listening to good music.
Waiting For A Girl Like You- Anyone remember Foreigner? This was a great song with an ice cold synth line. It may be about finding the right girl but for me its about all the girls I have hurt and the chances I have blown, maybe the Stalker is onto something and there is a reason I am the only person in my ward who doesn't get any visitors.
Don't fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult, a song that seems to be about final death but is actually about eternal love, "Romeo and Juliette are together in eternity".
I Want To know What Love Is - More Foreigner, I remember this song being in the charts for what seemed like forever when I was fifteen. I think I liked the video more than the song the sort of slow-mo scenes of people struggling through ordinary lives but being happy with the simple things. In my cocky teenage years, I was sure I was never destined for an ordinary life and never could imagine being happy with the simpler things in life.
Suzanne - On the album Raised On radio by Journey, reminds me of probably my first ever serious relationship, a girl of italian extraction called Suzanne, she wasn't the first or even the tenth girl i slept with but it was a relationship and it seemed real even though we were only in high school. I remember I was still a dreamer and nothing seemed impossible to me, but she was already for the treadmill of life, getting a job, getting married, starting a family. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had married her. In the school I met her a lot of people married their girlfriends. i just can't see how it could have worked out and i shudder to think of all the adventures I would have missed out on, still she was a great girl I hope she is happy now.
So thats it, i don't know why these songs all seem to be by American bands, one things for sure if you were driving in say, Arizona and switched on an fm radio station, there is a good chance you would hear one of them or at least a song by one of the groups. I better go now still need to rest - the quacks say there is a good chance that my graft may not take and the infection could still spread.
So Good day and...
in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
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