I'd Sooner Forget, But I Remember Those Nights

Today's P&L: Still no trading

Today's Booze: 3 bottles of Tinto Pesqura 1994

Today's Soundtrack:

Found a case of wine I didn't know I had, lucky me - would have been better if it was Vega Sicillia Unico. My palette is so uneducated, but even I can tell this is good grog.

The Stalker knows a lot about wine and that's kind of fitting because this post is about her. We are splitting up, she hasn't said anything yet but I know its happening. You want to know how I know? she offered me money, OK it was only fifty thousand pounds. As I have already mentioned women are an ungenerous sex at the best of times and in her case, I know her ex-husband, (come to think of it I never saw any divorce papers), controls all her finances despite losing a truckload in the recent credit crisis. It was after a pretty energetic sexual encounter, where I feel I was almost the man I used to be and I think in her mind it reminded her of why she left me all those years ago. Anyway a while later, when she had regained her composure, she was using one of my computers and suddenly came up with this "undiscovered" bank account which in her generosity she decided to give me. OK the money would clear my troubles with the tax man and a broker but I'll never take it. I didn't let the smile slip from my face as she told me, but I knew straight away what was happening.

You must understand, the Stalker thinks I am stupid. I didn't go to university and in her eyes I am an uneducated dolt. I can see her thought processes forming before she even opens her mouth. And she also forgets we have done this exact scenario at least twice before - OK it was Ninety Two and Ninety Five. This time will be the last. Her husband had an affair and I guess I was her retaliation. I should feel cheap and used and I do - but I kind of like that feeling. At the end of the day I want what's best for her and I am pretty sure it isn't me. My father, if he was here, would urge me to fight for her, (he adores her), but that's not my style. She will come back to me but perhaps next time I won't be around.

Coincidently I got an email from the lunatic asking me to be a facebook friend. Looks like she finally got around to learning how to plug in her computer. On her page there is a black and white picture of her that reminds me of our time together. She is older of course but she still has that distant sad look in her eyes that breaks my heart every time I see it. She is such a special woman, I really hope she finds someone because she is one of those girls that is not built to be alone. Now I know the Stalker and I are splitting up I even considered phoning her, then I remembered what it was like. She and I are not compatible, its like oil and water. It always starts well enough but it always ends the same way with me dodging bullets and heading for the airport. Every mutual acquaintance we have says "no man, she's calmed down she isn't like before" I'll never believe it, I think over the four or five years we were together I had to do the airport run maybe thirty times. she has such limitless anger when she is with me - If she is calm with other guys, then she should find one.

Still not trading, I need some money urgently - its got to the stage where I am finding all my old currency to take to the Post Office, hope they take Thai Baht, Dhirams, Sing Dollars and Malysian Ringgit.

Today the music was predictably enough, broken heart music, I have mentioned most of these before:

It Never Rains - Probably my all time favourite song ever. It reminds me of the grimy dismal English life in small towns. I still don't understand the lyrics fully but I love that line "The bigger they are, babe - the harder they fall on you". Recently my life has seen a lot of rain and not much sunshine. Everyone says it can only get better, but somehow it never does. People ask you, are you a glass half full or half empty kind of person - the true dipsomaniac answer is of course, "you not finishing that, mate".

My Army Of Lovers - "I lost my soul in Tokyo", I wonder where I lost my heart. This song is so decadent. My younger brother still laughs about the time I took a Japanese girl to the airport where she was so grateful but I had to catch a flight to Munich to meet another girl from a different terminal shortly after, so it was hardly a hardship. That Japanese girl still emails me occasionally. She was the one who said every time I try to grab you you slip away from me. Hope she is doing ok.

One Day I'll Fly Away - Randy Crawford is such a good singer. This song is kind of odd "leave your love behind me", I suppose I am a classic example of a guy who can't leave his emotional baggage. I wear my past relationships like emotional scars - But, hey I earned them the scars I carry from the Stalker and the Lunatic are duelling scars. When my brother complains about his wife giving him a hard time, I remind him that the lunatic once paid someone to shoot me. Still wouldn't be worth having if it was easy.

Everybody's Got To Learn Sometimes - "I need your loving, like the sunshine". For the longest time I thought this song was sung by a woman. It is a true sentiment though you have to learn otherwise you end up like me doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again. I can tell myself that I was destined to be with the Stalker or The Lunatic but it isn't true nobody is forced to be with someone else. Its just bizarre co-incidence that we always seem to end up with each other.

Wuthering Hights - The song that always reminds me of the Lunatic, The absolute abandonment to passion is key to her - I wonder what her life is like without it. I imagine she has some aussie surfer dude who married her for her money, who wouldn't want a girlfriend with property in Jakarta, Hong Kong, Singapore and Sydney? You know the first time I met her I knew we would have sex, but I never imagined what an impact she would have on my life. I have turned down jobs and flown all the way around the world just to be with her.


In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!