Today's P&L: No trading
Today's Booze: Not really sure, lots of empty bottles - at least 1 bottle of Tequila, 1 bottle of Stolichnaya and lots of Brahama beer
Today's Soundtrack: Sad songs
Bit of a madcap drinking session. I feel ok, more or less although I look shattered. The only hard part was pretending to be sober when the Stalker phoned from Spain. Luckily only had to deal with her, my parents are still refusing to speak to me. My mother has decided to take her dispute with the Stalker to me as well. Why do women hate their daughters in law, (or potential daughters in law), so much? The Stalker took a dislike to my mother when she left the day I checked into hospital for my leg injury and was given a forty eight hour lifespan without visiting me but flew back from Spain to babysit for my brother. I keep on telling her that my parents love me, we just don't have that kind of relationship. The stalker won't have it though. Women rarely understand how hard it is when they make you choose between the woman you love and the woman who gave birth to you. OK, my mother and I don't get along very well but she isn't the one that married some other guy all those years ago. Anyway had to go to the hospital and I have got a hairline fracture and 3 bone chips in my left wrist so I am in a cast yet again - my GP is going to love this when I go to get my prescription renewed.
In England it is customary to get your cast signed by your friends but as I don't have any I have painted a Nagel style portrait on my cast.
Today/Yesterday was all about feeling sorry for myself music wise. My top five tracks were:
Going Home - the theme tune from Local Hero, When I am at my lowest, I often listen to this song - ok I don't have anywhere to call home or really any family - even my brother is growing more and more distant, but this song makes me wish I did. Just for a second I can pretend I am part of something. It doesn't have any words, because it doesn't need any.
Snow On The Sahara - I can't get over how much I love this song, Angunn seems so desperate to please her lover. I first heard it in a town in Sumatra and the Lunatic dismissed the girl as "looking like a servant". To me its a song about passion and sacrifice.
Piano Man - "He says Bill I believe this is killing me as a smile ran away from his face". How many of us do things that we never thought we would? Remember when you were a child in school and people would ask you what you want to be when you grow up? How many of us are happy how it turned out?
On Every Street - A song by Dire Straits I always listen to when I am just close to giving up altogether. The first verse just kills me, "There's gotta be a record of you someplace, You gotta be on somebody's books, The lowdown - a picture of your face
Your injured looks, The sacred and profane, The pleasure and the pain
Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete, And it's your face I'm looking for on every street". I have actually done all that, seen the desperately hurt look in a girls eyes as I walked away, then wandered around places I thought she would be - flown from England to Indonesia just on the chance I might bump into her. The Stalker can say what she wants but if she had wanted to find me during all those years apart she could have, The Lunatic tracked me down plenty of times and they are both more or less in the same income group.
Hand to Mouth - George Michael before he became too camp, "Smile and a quote from a vigilant movie, our boy Jimmy just blew them all away" This world is so dismal sometimes it just depresses me, "Sweet little baby on a doorstep", "just another hooker that the lucky can forget". The stalker has done so much for charity I am humbled every time I meet her, if she was selfish I would ask her for help but how can I when she does so much for the needy and its not just the money she donates its the time she spends - I don't know anyone else who would drag themselves out of their cancer ward to look after kids in Romania. Still doesn't stop me treating her like shit though.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
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4 comments:
ouch. i think i would have felt how stalker did about your mum leaving the day you got admitted.
the whole daughter-in-law, MIL relationship is a territorial battle if you ask me ;)
Thanks little Miss, didn't think I'd make 100 posts. I agree with you about the MIL thing being territorial. But it really would have done no good for my mother to turn up anyway you cant walk out of peoples lives when your sixteen and expect them to feel the same way about you as the children that didn't leave. I was a little more upset that I was in hospital for a month and my brother didn't turn up. My mother and I have a complicated relationship back a long time ago we were in a difficult situation with an organised crime group, (long story and not one I want to go into), my father was at sea and my mother sent my brothers away because the police had advised us to leave for our own safety. If my mother left the house she knew she would lose it so she had to stay, she asked me to stay with her one night I asked her why she had picked me to stay with her. She said because I might ask you to kill me if they break into the house and your brothers would never do it but you would. For some reason I remember that moment very vividly.
whoa toni. just read this. sounds like complicated is an understatement. organised crime group?? mum saying you might have to kill her??!!
you know what i think.. you should start a thread of posts about your adventures or rather.. misadventures (start from your earliest memories) and then make it into a book! what say you? ;)
in fact you already have your main characters... mum and stalker. brother and lunatic can make guest appearances as part of the whole journey :)
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