The Luxury Of Life

Today's P&L: GBP -285.00

Today's Booze: Eight pints of Stella Artois

Today's Soundtrack: The Electric Light Orchestra

My first loss in what seems ages - kind of hurts, I had almost slipped into my infallible mode. The equity markets are up and for no good reason, other than its the end of the month and the mice that operate the global pension funds have to present their numbers. They don't have to make a lot of money, just beat whatever index the are bench marked against, then they can keep their little jobs and pretend they are "masters of the universe".

The parents have gone and if I am honest, I miss them. They are good people, but they have taken up too much time and money coming to see me. Somehow I doubt I will ever be able to repay the compliment. A lot of people think my parents were a little harsh on me, but it isn't true. Sure there was some toughness, but they brought me up to survive. I knew they always loved me, no matter how much I had let them down. I wish I was strong enough to tell them how much I care about them, hopefully I can make some serious money and give that to them, it's easier for me to show my emotions that way.

My mother gave me a Rosary, she had from the early sixties when she was a diplomat in Japan and still a Catholic. The Japanese are mostly Shinto or Buddhist but are pretty ambivalent about religion. This rosary was from the peace monument in Hiroshima. It is made out of uncultured pearls, I told her I didn't want it but she hid it in one of my jacket pockets anyway. My mother says she doesn't need to be a Catholic, as a committed Christian she can enter any place of Christian worship, but she is aware that I am a Catholic.

I thought for a while about even now how I always end up with exquisite things. For someone with little materialistic gain left inside him, I enjoy the beauty of well-crafted things. The stalker gave me a beautiful Montblanc pen and a leather bound journal to write in that has pages that feel so heavy they make my words seem insignificant. Of course I love my Patek watch and when I still drove I loved my Porsche. I don't however, need any of these things. If I had anything worth writing i can write it as well with a bic biro as a thousand dollar pen. My mother clearly knows I am scared to go to confession, (with good reason), and wants me to reflect on what I owe, not only God but others as well. She no longer needs the iconography but she knows me well enough to know it is one of the few anchors left in my life.

Today I was in retro seventies mood and listening to The Electric Light Orchestra, at one stage the biggest band in the world. The top five on my playlist:

Letter From Spain - Obviously I was thinking about my parents who live there all the time now. I have a house somewhere down there as well. This song seems to be about a guy whose girlfriend left him to live in Spain. "I read the papers this morning. I saw your photograph. You look good in the movie, it must be so much fun. Letter from Spain. From someone I once knew". To me it could be about anyone who goes far away and misses you. Not just a song about someone leaving you, geographically but also leaving you far behind in their career.

Telephone Line - Everyone who has ever been in a relationship, or even just loved someone from afar should listen to this song. "Hello. How are you? Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah". Reminds me of the lunatic ex, who used to phone me from Indonesia just to hear my breath in my sleep.

Mr Blue Sky - One of the all-time feel good songs, not my regular type of music at all. Maybe it's the last verse that appeals to me "Mr. Blue you did it right, but soon comes Mr. Night, creepin' over, now his hand is on your shoulder, Never mind I'll remember you this way." You know I try and shake this darkness that surrounds me but I just can't.

Diary Of Horace Wimp - The song of every single person who is too afraid to take a chance. I guess I was scared when I embarked on a new adventure, although I can't really remember it now. What do you have to lose?

21st Century Man - A song about a man out of time. I feel like this often, it isn't hard to feel like this. "One day you're a hero, next day you're a clown. There's nothing that is in between, now you're a 21st century man. You should be so happy, you should be so glad. So why are you so lonely, you 21st century man"? I am not really into science fiction but the idea of a someone waking up after a period of suspended animation of going forward into time fascinates me. After all, think about how adrift, someone from the eighteen hundreds would feel in our time.


In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!