Is That It ???

Yesterdays P&L: GBP 0.00

Yesterdays Booze: A Lot

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Music To stomp your feet to


No work yesterday, just had to see another doctor in a place called Reading, (no offence, but it looks like someone built a town in the middle of a large industrial estate).

So it was my birthday, I am an old man now, forty one - screw you to the people who said I'll never make it past twenty seven, except my mum and dad - seems ungrateful saying screw you to your parents on your birthday. So now I am in my forties, I have to ask - what next? A mid-life crisis seems sort of redundant for me, I have been having one of those since I was twelve. I am in rather uncharted territory, as mentioned absolutely nobody expected me to make it this far, but with a few exceptions I am from a rather conventional family. Both my brothers and all my cousins have got married and had children, it was clearly what was expected from me as well and once again I have proven to be something of a disappointment. In fact I feel even more detached and distant than ever before. My father called me when I eventually got home last night to wish me Happy Birthday - He was in Brazil when I was born. He and my Mother and Uncle had all been out in Spain celebrating my birthday, (its also a pretty big day in Spain, being the Epiphany). I asked him, you all went out without me and he replied, "of course. We always celebrate your birthday and your never with us". For the record I haven't been at home on my birthday since I was fourteen. It was typical for me also, spending my time in strange pubs and bars talking to people I don't know - still flirted heavily with three women, including one extremely exotic Indian girl. The Stalker wasn't around, which I am glad about as she managed to screw up Christmas and New Year for me. No doubt she will guess I have been drinking and give me a hard time for it later. She clearly has decided that as she has invested so much of her time and energy in me - I better produce results and quickly. It's kind of like going out with a tougher, female version of the drill instructor from the movie, "An Officer And A Gentleman".

So what have I learned over this year? Nothing, I guess. If I am honest I feel even more isolated than I did this time last year. I am aware that only I can improve my life and that I keep on making the same mistakes but I seem to have adopted the attitude that sayings like that are as serious as the rules on a swimming pool wall, (you know; no petting, no water bombing, etc). Compared to me, the Stalker is a virtual self-help book. Actually, often talking to her does feel like some Tony Robbins, conference at times. I imagine its because due to her medical problems she approaches life with an urgency, I just can't seem to muster. Deep down I still don't believe I am going to die. Anyway - that was it for another year, Like the Stones I keep on rolling and am once again planning a world tour. I don't make New Years resolutions, but this year, which maybe my last, (just, like for all of us), I have plans to shake this semi-comatose life style, Its about time I did something rather than be "full of promise". No one should still be full of undiscovered promise at forty one.


Today's music, my top five tracks:

Street Fighting Man - From the fantastic Beggars Banquet record. Long before the Stones were the biggest corporate entertainment the world has ever seen. Even a true believer like me is beginning to wonder just how contrived Keith is. At least Jagger is fairly obvious in his naked ambition and greed. Still a great band and still one I would buy tickets to see but I wonder when you exchange the fire and vitriol for packaged excess? The Rolling Stones are who U2 want to be when they grow up.

Wonderwall - I was never an Oasis fan, in fact the whole Britpop scene passed me by, as you can tell from my blog, I live far too much in the past. The first time I heard this song was in a bar in London, after a heavy night. It was about ten in the morning and only the hardcore drunks were fuelling their addiction. There were some drunks out in the street, and I remember thinking that apart from the glass window separating the bums in the street from me in the pub, there wasn't much difference between us. The next time I heard it was in a bar in Bow Lane on a busy winter evening when the packed bar spontaneously started singing along.

I Might Have Been Queen - What is it about Tina?. Maybe its her stage presence and her serious voice, maybe its because she finally decided, "Hey Ike touch me one more time and I'll fuck you up". Who Knows? This song is from Private Dancer one of my all time favourite albums. The meaning is quite feminine I guess, I am sure the Stalker would have more understanding than me. Maybe not, The Stalker is from a very rich family, this seems to be more about someone breaking out of the poor life and reinventing themselves - Far more my territory.

True Faith - Everyone talks about Blue Monday, but this is the best New Order track. I don't have much to say about this song, I just feel it applies to me in a way that I don't really understand.

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who at their very best. I love this song, but can't help feeling that The Who are a band that can't quite be captured in recordings. The Original Who should have been seen live. It isn't just the extraordinary musicianship and the crushing volume, but more the simmering tension of the band members. This song reminds me of Indonesia in Ninety Seven, a time and place I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about. I also feel the same about one of my favourite books, "A Tale Of Two Cities", for some reason it reminds me of Indo in ninety seven.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!