Thursday 26 November 2009

It's no good

Today's P&L: GBP-800.00

Today's Booze: 2 bottles of cheap red wine, 2 liters of dry cider, (its still only lunch-time).

Thanksgiving is a hell of a day to trade. London maybe the undisputed center of the financial world, but most of the traders look to New York for their lead and if the Americans don't work - then neither do we. The markets are so thin that all you are likely to do is lose money. I shouldn't trade on a day like this, but what can I do. I am so underwater that I have to take every chance I can. Anyway, its not like I have anything better to do.

I should be with my girlfriend but I think that has little time left to run. She can't stand my emotional distance and is being pursued by some Scandinavian who has recently been elevated to billionaire status. I should feel some kind of sadness that I think we are about to split up, but the truth is I can't really bring myself to feel anything. In fact, I am almost relieved. It is just too much responsibility to be held liable for someone else s happiness. Is that what relationships are all about, making other people happy? I can't do that, I seriously doubt I have ever made anyone happy in my life.

Wednesday 25 November 2009

Other People

Wednesdays P&L: GBP680.00.

Wednesdays booze: 6 liters of Stella Artois, 3 large brandies.

Today I am thinking about people I have known and the past. I try and avoid thinking of my past as a rule but I have recently been in touch with a few people, (by e-mail), who knew me some time ago.

One of them was a girl who lived in the same small town I did when I was a child. She is a few years older than me and even back then was a sexy girl - and definitely knew it. Her life has changed so much she went far away. We lived in a town that if you had any real ambition you moved away. She has had some bad luck in her life and recently had some bad news. I felt so bad for her, even though it is over 27 years since the last time I saw her, I remember her fondly. I hope she gets the happiness she deserves.

The other friend was more a guitarist who used to play in a band with me at school. He was a very cool guy, but like everything it has its season and he went to live in another part of the country shortly after I went to live in Asia. He has also had some misfortune but in my opinion he wasn't cut out for the conventional life he finds himself in.

All this time and after so much has happened to hear from people like this is kind of a jolt for me. My style is to move on and ignore the past. It makes me wonder how many people walk around carrying their past in their heads and hearts. It also makes me realise how dispassionate I am. Most people who meet me think I am the kind of guy who attacks life and tries to do the most I can, but upon reflection, it is quite clear that I cut myself off from almost everything.