Today's P&L: GBP -370.15 GBP so far
Today's Booze: one bottle of Bells Whiskey, which I hate but it was there.
Today's Soundtrack: The Pretenders
The Stalker is off doing more charity work, Christ I know she lost twenty million plus in the credit crunch, but she could ease a lot of my problems with just a wave of her hand. She is working with children with cerebral palsy for the next two weeks so it seems stupid of me to drop any hints and anyway I would never directly ask her for a hand-out. She asked me "Don't you care about anyone Else's feelings"? Which has got to be the most stupid question I have been asked since someone tried to sell me Dell stock. Of course I don't. I am the most selfish person in the world and to be frank, I thought that was what attracted her.
My wonderful readers have once again exceeded my expectations with their concern for me, but I think most of them are missing the point of this diary of self-destruction. I have to find out how far I can push it and what comes next. If this life is all there is then the world isn't big enough for me. My rib is healing ok, although there is a huge bruise across my body. That is quite usual for me, since my blood stopped clotting I bruise very easily and for a long time. The boy hasn't contacted me again, but after crying in my beer for a few nights I am over it. He had to break the tie between us, even his son asked him what was wrong with uncle ********.
Today I was listening to The Pretenders. The top five songs I listened to:
I Go To Sleep - For some reason this song reminds me of Russia and my crazy few days in Moscow. Russia was just on the verge of defaulting, but it was still gangstertown. Ideal for someone like me with my less than ethical morals.
Don't Get Me Wrong - Bouncy pop music, but make no mistake, Chrissy Hyde is a bona fide rock chick. This song reminds me of a hot night in Soho, London where I was turned away from a private members drinking club, possibly the easiest three thousand they ever lost. Wound up spending all my money in a few other bars and a great Indonesian restaurant that used to be near Soho Square. I always liked drinking in restaurants.
Hymn to Her - As Kitty says, a Mothers love is unconditional. I'll tell you something though, my mother and I are far too similar and I can read her like a book. I'll bet you all the Tea in China I can stop her having anything to do with me in less than five minutes.
Brass in Pocket - reminds me of when I was poor and I still had something to fight for.
I'll Stand By You - A song about supporting other people, something I never did enough of and something I will have to answer for. The Stalker thinks she is a lot like me, The Lunatic even more so but they are not. I am not special they are.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Monday 28 June 2010
Saturday 26 June 2010
Dissapointing Everyone
Wow, just got a call from my younger brother, he scolded me for my manic drinking yesterday and said he can tell on the phone I am drunk now. he said he will give me some cash to trade with or drink myself to death or whatever, just to go away. I love my brother more than anything else and I have dissapointed him. Looks like I have finally driven everyone away from me. I am finding this hard to take right now but I hope he really knows what he is saying because while I am hurt now, in a couple of days I will be over it.
I knew this was going to end this way , I didn't expect him to abandon me. I have always been able to count on him None of the women mattered or even my parents but he was always my last resort. Even so I had planned on being far away from him when I died.
I knew this was going to end this way , I didn't expect him to abandon me. I have always been able to count on him None of the women mattered or even my parents but he was always my last resort. Even so I had planned on being far away from him when I died.
Neon Lonliness
Yesterdayss P&L: GBP 210.00
Yesterdays Booze: 1 750cl bottle of Vodka, 12 Talisker Whiskey
Yesterdays Soundtrack: Not much as I was out most of the day.
So the Stalker called me again, mind you it was two am and her primary interest was finding out if I was screwing, my doctor, which I am not but have been vocal in how good she is. The doc is unhappy with some of the diagnosis given to me by the hospital, however she readily admits she knows little about liver disease. Anyway she is very supportive and I guess I do have a little bit of a crush on her. I also had to endure a two hour call from my mother, which she can't afford and it all made me realise that no matter how tough I think I am, I am absolutely starved for affection. Luckily The Stalker cured me of this by threatening to kill me if she ever saw me lose it the way I did the other day. I am not scared off her in the slightest, She is a black belt in Karate and a gold belt in some Indonesian martial art, but I have already taken a few blows from her and laughed it off. If it was the Lunatic, I would be heading for the airport.
Anyway I got into a brawl in Windsor, I don't understand quite why this happened as I haven't had a dust-up in years. Most people know enough to avoid someone like me. So I took a few punches, and considering my osteonecrosis, seems one of my ribs is broken, luckily it wasn't over my liver but it is over my spleen and pancreas. I am not going to bother going to the hospital because in my limited experience, (I have only broken my ribs a few times), there is little they can do and to be honest. I am just sick of hospitals - I have spent most of the first half of this year in one hospital or another.
Not sure what to do about my mother, she keeps sending me food packages from Waitrose and if she finds out I am back on the hard stuff she will be heartbroken. My father says I am making his life impossible as all my mother does is mope around worrying about me. I know she feels guilty about what happened to me as a child on her watch, but none of this new shit is her fault. Maybe its true what they say about a mothers love but I still don't see it - I have hardly been a good son.
Just scalped a few points trading yesterday all on the FTSE 100 contract.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Yesterdays Booze: 1 750cl bottle of Vodka, 12 Talisker Whiskey
Yesterdays Soundtrack: Not much as I was out most of the day.
So the Stalker called me again, mind you it was two am and her primary interest was finding out if I was screwing, my doctor, which I am not but have been vocal in how good she is. The doc is unhappy with some of the diagnosis given to me by the hospital, however she readily admits she knows little about liver disease. Anyway she is very supportive and I guess I do have a little bit of a crush on her. I also had to endure a two hour call from my mother, which she can't afford and it all made me realise that no matter how tough I think I am, I am absolutely starved for affection. Luckily The Stalker cured me of this by threatening to kill me if she ever saw me lose it the way I did the other day. I am not scared off her in the slightest, She is a black belt in Karate and a gold belt in some Indonesian martial art, but I have already taken a few blows from her and laughed it off. If it was the Lunatic, I would be heading for the airport.
Anyway I got into a brawl in Windsor, I don't understand quite why this happened as I haven't had a dust-up in years. Most people know enough to avoid someone like me. So I took a few punches, and considering my osteonecrosis, seems one of my ribs is broken, luckily it wasn't over my liver but it is over my spleen and pancreas. I am not going to bother going to the hospital because in my limited experience, (I have only broken my ribs a few times), there is little they can do and to be honest. I am just sick of hospitals - I have spent most of the first half of this year in one hospital or another.
Not sure what to do about my mother, she keeps sending me food packages from Waitrose and if she finds out I am back on the hard stuff she will be heartbroken. My father says I am making his life impossible as all my mother does is mope around worrying about me. I know she feels guilty about what happened to me as a child on her watch, but none of this new shit is her fault. Maybe its true what they say about a mothers love but I still don't see it - I have hardly been a good son.
Just scalped a few points trading yesterday all on the FTSE 100 contract.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Should I Care?
Today's P&L: GBP 0.00 yet
Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of dry cider
Today's Soundtrack: hmmmmmmmm
No profit today, due to the small volumes trading I have put in place a straddle option on the Dow 30.
Haven't heard from the Stalker again, looks like I really did scare her off. Good luck, maybe she will be better off with her ex husband. He is Scandinavian and very cold by all accounts. I don't think she needs someone like me in her life. So as expected I will have to write an alternative bucket list that is just for me.
As the markets where so pitiful today I listened to a lot of music but I have decided to talk abut the songs that remind me of, what I remember, the greatest loves of my life. They are ot in any order as to preference just which songs I listened to the most.
Dancing Queen - The Princess, to me she was just a kid. I had rarely been out with anyone younger than me and she was ten years younger. It was surprising how little we had in common apart from sex. I met her shortly after the Lunatic and was quite happy to be with someone sane. She had such a good soul,all she wanted to do was help people. Her family were the major Catholic minority in Thailand. There is nothing bad to say about her, my favourite memory of The Princess is bullying her on a race track in Pattaya. My worst memory is seeing her cry when the doctor told her the extent of my ankle injuries.
The Winner Takes It All - The Stalker. She is a woman who only plays for all the money on the table. Her and I have such history, but there is this seventeen year gap when we were apart. I had no idea what her life was like and she had none about mine. I only found out when I met her again about her cancer. The thing about the Stalker is she is an absolute fighter. Very little impresses her as she has been quite wealthy most her life. I know she always loved me, but I doubt she realised what an asshole I can be. My favorite memory of the stalker, New Years Eve in Trafalgar Square a long time ago, drinking and having great sex. My worst memory, Just the other day when I let her see my bad side.
Wuthering Hights - This song probably more than any reminds me of the Lunatic. She would probably say Fairytale of New York, but this reminds me of her. Fairytale of Ney York was a song we both enjoyed together. Wuthering Hights reminds me of her, to be honest, totally insanity. The song and the book it is based on is filled with so much passion, I can't think of any other way to describe the woman. Seemed like she was so full of emotion that she was always on the edge of rationale thought. I didn't help her as if anything, I am worse although without her raw emotions. My favourite memory of the Lunatic, When I strolled in to one of her restaurants, looking like I had been away for three minutes, after a year and a half. I don't think I have ever felt such an outpouring of emotion. My worst memory, too many to mention, but I'll go for when she first sliced open the artery in her thigh. Even now I remember the blood pumping out of her and all because she felt I hadn't paid her enough attention.
The Promise You Made - Brilliant song by Cock Robin, reminds me of the Turk. My only muslim girlfriend. She was impossibly good looking, the kind of girl that attracts attention wherever she goes and I was a little below par when I met her. Still, promises were made, rules were broken- I don't have anything bad to say about her. Best memory When I had sex with her, (not made love - this was filthy sex), in a side street of The Notting Hill Carnival to an appreciative audience. The worst memory, not many to be honest probably an argument we had when I was too tired to screw her.
Rain Or Shine - This song reminds me of the Italian, she is the first girl I can actually remember having a boy/girl friend relationship with. She was a few months older than me but one of those girls that was physically more developed than all the other girls at school. She was always cheerful and had a beautiful smile. In the video for this song, the singer really reminds me of her. OK Suzy wasn't black but she clearly had some ethnicity in her. My best memory of the Italian, walking her home after a party as the dawn came up. My worst memory, possibly my lowest moment and the deepest scar on my soul. Me forcing her to have an abortion, something even now I am not happy to talk about.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of dry cider
Today's Soundtrack: hmmmmmmmm
No profit today, due to the small volumes trading I have put in place a straddle option on the Dow 30.
Haven't heard from the Stalker again, looks like I really did scare her off. Good luck, maybe she will be better off with her ex husband. He is Scandinavian and very cold by all accounts. I don't think she needs someone like me in her life. So as expected I will have to write an alternative bucket list that is just for me.
As the markets where so pitiful today I listened to a lot of music but I have decided to talk abut the songs that remind me of, what I remember, the greatest loves of my life. They are ot in any order as to preference just which songs I listened to the most.
Dancing Queen - The Princess, to me she was just a kid. I had rarely been out with anyone younger than me and she was ten years younger. It was surprising how little we had in common apart from sex. I met her shortly after the Lunatic and was quite happy to be with someone sane. She had such a good soul,all she wanted to do was help people. Her family were the major Catholic minority in Thailand. There is nothing bad to say about her, my favourite memory of The Princess is bullying her on a race track in Pattaya. My worst memory is seeing her cry when the doctor told her the extent of my ankle injuries.
The Winner Takes It All - The Stalker. She is a woman who only plays for all the money on the table. Her and I have such history, but there is this seventeen year gap when we were apart. I had no idea what her life was like and she had none about mine. I only found out when I met her again about her cancer. The thing about the Stalker is she is an absolute fighter. Very little impresses her as she has been quite wealthy most her life. I know she always loved me, but I doubt she realised what an asshole I can be. My favorite memory of the stalker, New Years Eve in Trafalgar Square a long time ago, drinking and having great sex. My worst memory, Just the other day when I let her see my bad side.
Wuthering Hights - This song probably more than any reminds me of the Lunatic. She would probably say Fairytale of New York, but this reminds me of her. Fairytale of Ney York was a song we both enjoyed together. Wuthering Hights reminds me of her, to be honest, totally insanity. The song and the book it is based on is filled with so much passion, I can't think of any other way to describe the woman. Seemed like she was so full of emotion that she was always on the edge of rationale thought. I didn't help her as if anything, I am worse although without her raw emotions. My favourite memory of the Lunatic, When I strolled in to one of her restaurants, looking like I had been away for three minutes, after a year and a half. I don't think I have ever felt such an outpouring of emotion. My worst memory, too many to mention, but I'll go for when she first sliced open the artery in her thigh. Even now I remember the blood pumping out of her and all because she felt I hadn't paid her enough attention.
The Promise You Made - Brilliant song by Cock Robin, reminds me of the Turk. My only muslim girlfriend. She was impossibly good looking, the kind of girl that attracts attention wherever she goes and I was a little below par when I met her. Still, promises were made, rules were broken- I don't have anything bad to say about her. Best memory When I had sex with her, (not made love - this was filthy sex), in a side street of The Notting Hill Carnival to an appreciative audience. The worst memory, not many to be honest probably an argument we had when I was too tired to screw her.
Rain Or Shine - This song reminds me of the Italian, she is the first girl I can actually remember having a boy/girl friend relationship with. She was a few months older than me but one of those girls that was physically more developed than all the other girls at school. She was always cheerful and had a beautiful smile. In the video for this song, the singer really reminds me of her. OK Suzy wasn't black but she clearly had some ethnicity in her. My best memory of the Italian, walking her home after a party as the dawn came up. My worst memory, possibly my lowest moment and the deepest scar on my soul. Me forcing her to have an abortion, something even now I am not happy to talk about.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Monday 21 June 2010
Reach Out, Touch Faith
Today's P&L: GBP 410.00
Today's Booze: 4 Pints of Dry Cider
Today's Soundtrack: The Who
Back at home and only one of my monitors is working. Trading remains difficult for me, not sure if my heart just isn't in it or if my brand of arrogance stops me seeing the obvious. Haven't really been keeping in touch with the news so I shouldn't trade, (its sort of like jumping into a river if you can't swim).
The stalker and I have fallen out after she saw the side of me I rarely show to other people. I have a quick, almost rabid temper. Whilst I would never hit her, (which I think she knew), she was a little shocked at how quickly and violently my temper can change. All this time she knew me, she only ever saw my placid side. I cool down pretty quickly but for a few moments I can be quite scary. She will never understand that this side of me has saved me on a few occasions.
Anyway, sitting alone after she left I came across this story on the bloomberg:
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-06-21/family-sells-2-million-mansion-gives-half-to-charity-review.html
This really gave me hope, if a little girl can see the inequalities in our society, maybe we aren't all destined to die in our own iniquity. Maybe it is people like me who grew up, hungry for more who are the dinosaurs.
Listened to The Who mostly today. The oddest band ever, The drummer plays as if he is a keyboard player and the bassist plays like a lead guitarist. The guitarist/songwriter fits in around them and the singer is a classic rock star torch singer. It shouldn't work but it does.
Won't Get Fooled Again - I never saw The Who live, but my first memory of this song is when they performed it at Live Aid. There was so much obvious resentment between Daltry and Townshend it looked like they might swap blows on stage, (The Police are a little like this. Always simmering tension).
Real Good Looking Boy - OK, Keith was dead when this was recorded but it is still a great song. It seems to me to be a song of teenage ambition and that moment when you realise you are a guy who can attract women. I always thought the "him" his mother refers to in the lyrics, "She said, 'Son, well, you know, you're ugly boy. You don't really look like him. In this long line, there's been some real strange genes. You've got 'em all. You've got 'em all. With some extras thrown in", was Elvis. What mother would say that to her son? Might explain some of the obvious hostility of Pete Townshend.
Love Reign O'Er Me - Love brings the rain. From Quadrophenia. "On the dry and dusty road, the nights we spend apart alone. I need to get back home to cool cool rain. The nights are hot and black as ink, I can't sleep and I lay and I think Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain". For me this song is always coloured by the movie. The story of a sixties England I never knew but the pigeonholing of people into jobs that never suited them is something I am glad I avoided.
Behind Blue Eyes - From the classic Who's Next. In view of what I admitted about my irrational anger, quite a fitting song for me. Difference is this song sounds like someone is asking for pity. When I rage, even for just a flash. I don't look for pity. I must admit I have almost always kept this side of me away from people who know me and the look of shock on the Stalkers face was genuine. Now she has had a glimpse of my Mr Hyde character, I doubt I will see her again.
You Better, You Bet - The first Who record I brought. Another one after Keith died. Their new drummer, from The Faces, I think, was really good but nothing like Keith Moon. A really commercial song from this rock band , but it still has the urgency at the end. If love isn't worth making a fool of yourself over, then it really isn't worth having in my opinion.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: 4 Pints of Dry Cider
Today's Soundtrack: The Who
Back at home and only one of my monitors is working. Trading remains difficult for me, not sure if my heart just isn't in it or if my brand of arrogance stops me seeing the obvious. Haven't really been keeping in touch with the news so I shouldn't trade, (its sort of like jumping into a river if you can't swim).
The stalker and I have fallen out after she saw the side of me I rarely show to other people. I have a quick, almost rabid temper. Whilst I would never hit her, (which I think she knew), she was a little shocked at how quickly and violently my temper can change. All this time she knew me, she only ever saw my placid side. I cool down pretty quickly but for a few moments I can be quite scary. She will never understand that this side of me has saved me on a few occasions.
Anyway, sitting alone after she left I came across this story on the bloomberg:
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-06-21/family-sells-2-million-mansion-gives-half-to-charity-review.html
This really gave me hope, if a little girl can see the inequalities in our society, maybe we aren't all destined to die in our own iniquity. Maybe it is people like me who grew up, hungry for more who are the dinosaurs.
Listened to The Who mostly today. The oddest band ever, The drummer plays as if he is a keyboard player and the bassist plays like a lead guitarist. The guitarist/songwriter fits in around them and the singer is a classic rock star torch singer. It shouldn't work but it does.
Won't Get Fooled Again - I never saw The Who live, but my first memory of this song is when they performed it at Live Aid. There was so much obvious resentment between Daltry and Townshend it looked like they might swap blows on stage, (The Police are a little like this. Always simmering tension).
Real Good Looking Boy - OK, Keith was dead when this was recorded but it is still a great song. It seems to me to be a song of teenage ambition and that moment when you realise you are a guy who can attract women. I always thought the "him" his mother refers to in the lyrics, "She said, 'Son, well, you know, you're ugly boy. You don't really look like him. In this long line, there's been some real strange genes. You've got 'em all. You've got 'em all. With some extras thrown in", was Elvis. What mother would say that to her son? Might explain some of the obvious hostility of Pete Townshend.
Love Reign O'Er Me - Love brings the rain. From Quadrophenia. "On the dry and dusty road, the nights we spend apart alone. I need to get back home to cool cool rain. The nights are hot and black as ink, I can't sleep and I lay and I think Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain". For me this song is always coloured by the movie. The story of a sixties England I never knew but the pigeonholing of people into jobs that never suited them is something I am glad I avoided.
Behind Blue Eyes - From the classic Who's Next. In view of what I admitted about my irrational anger, quite a fitting song for me. Difference is this song sounds like someone is asking for pity. When I rage, even for just a flash. I don't look for pity. I must admit I have almost always kept this side of me away from people who know me and the look of shock on the Stalkers face was genuine. Now she has had a glimpse of my Mr Hyde character, I doubt I will see her again.
You Better, You Bet - The first Who record I brought. Another one after Keith died. Their new drummer, from The Faces, I think, was really good but nothing like Keith Moon. A really commercial song from this rock band , but it still has the urgency at the end. If love isn't worth making a fool of yourself over, then it really isn't worth having in my opinion.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Friday 18 June 2010
Everybody Pays - Sooner Or Later
Yesterdays P&L: GBP 0.00
Yesterdays Booze: No grog in hospital
Yesterdayss Soundtrack: Not much music either but I have my laptop and listned mostly to The Stones and Led Zep.
You know, I hate this shit. I really hate being in hospital. Don't get me wrong the UK is the best country in the world to get sick in but all this being pushed around, bullied by nurses, prodded by student doctors - I hate this shit. First I had my ultrasound scan, Christ I don't know this woman she looks around my age. I hope I didn't screw her daughter because she pushed that fucking scan thing so deep into my stomach I thought it would come out my ass. Then I got moved between two wards for no apparant reason apart from finding me a ward with the most moaning, screwed up patients on it. First one was ok, but the second one was like being moved to a housing scheme where all your neighbours are senior citizen crackheads with asbos. I am going to request to go to the morgue - at least its quiet there.
At least i'll be out very soon, the shortage of available livers is so high that there is no way I can even be considered for a while. Maybe I deserve all this, The Princess used to say "You are unkind" every now and again to me and she wasn't wrong I was never a good hearted person. You grow up alone enough and you develop a certain "me angainst the world mentality". That doesn't explain my continuing inability to show emotion, at this point I should understand the need for emotional support more than most.
They say a man discovers himself at the worst of times, but I don't believe that. People give up. This world grinds most of us down, we don't know it, but its happening. Our latest government tells us that in order to restore fiscal responsibility we are all going to have to shoulder our share of the burden. It's not like British people haven't heard this before. In The First World War, The Great Depression and The Second World War we were told to carry our share. I doubt many people saw any relatives of David Cameron going over the top in the trenches. As usual, The British government really means you will have to bear the burden. Fair enough, spin out the old blitz spirit speech again but the politicians should know by now that if you expect joe public to fight, then he has to have something to believe in. When I watch television programs about world war two, it almost seems that everyone knew they were fighting against the evil despot and his final solution, but that wasn't the case. The great and the good knew all about the holocaust but the ordinary people didn't. The economic disaster the government is manoveuring us into is another blind ally, although without the tragic loss of life, (mind you the rationale for the final solution, dodgy eugenics aside was the destroyed economy of Germany). People don't understand why we are facing hard times, and when they really bite, they will look for someone to blame.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Yesterdays Booze: No grog in hospital
Yesterdayss Soundtrack: Not much music either but I have my laptop and listned mostly to The Stones and Led Zep.
You know, I hate this shit. I really hate being in hospital. Don't get me wrong the UK is the best country in the world to get sick in but all this being pushed around, bullied by nurses, prodded by student doctors - I hate this shit. First I had my ultrasound scan, Christ I don't know this woman she looks around my age. I hope I didn't screw her daughter because she pushed that fucking scan thing so deep into my stomach I thought it would come out my ass. Then I got moved between two wards for no apparant reason apart from finding me a ward with the most moaning, screwed up patients on it. First one was ok, but the second one was like being moved to a housing scheme where all your neighbours are senior citizen crackheads with asbos. I am going to request to go to the morgue - at least its quiet there.
At least i'll be out very soon, the shortage of available livers is so high that there is no way I can even be considered for a while. Maybe I deserve all this, The Princess used to say "You are unkind" every now and again to me and she wasn't wrong I was never a good hearted person. You grow up alone enough and you develop a certain "me angainst the world mentality". That doesn't explain my continuing inability to show emotion, at this point I should understand the need for emotional support more than most.
They say a man discovers himself at the worst of times, but I don't believe that. People give up. This world grinds most of us down, we don't know it, but its happening. Our latest government tells us that in order to restore fiscal responsibility we are all going to have to shoulder our share of the burden. It's not like British people haven't heard this before. In The First World War, The Great Depression and The Second World War we were told to carry our share. I doubt many people saw any relatives of David Cameron going over the top in the trenches. As usual, The British government really means you will have to bear the burden. Fair enough, spin out the old blitz spirit speech again but the politicians should know by now that if you expect joe public to fight, then he has to have something to believe in. When I watch television programs about world war two, it almost seems that everyone knew they were fighting against the evil despot and his final solution, but that wasn't the case. The great and the good knew all about the holocaust but the ordinary people didn't. The economic disaster the government is manoveuring us into is another blind ally, although without the tragic loss of life, (mind you the rationale for the final solution, dodgy eugenics aside was the destroyed economy of Germany). People don't understand why we are facing hard times, and when they really bite, they will look for someone to blame.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Could Be Worse
Yesterdays P&L: GBP -420.00
Yesterdays Booze: 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664
Yesterdays Soundtrack: More R&B
Well, despite the depressing news the other day, I actually get to find out more soon. I am going for an ultrasound and possibly CT scan tomorrow. It should be clearer as most of the excess fluid in my body has gone now. I will then see a Gastric consultant who will refer me to a liver specialist who will then put me on a transplant list. The doctor I spoke to before confirmed I have pancreatic cancer but the liver situation is more confusing. Due to the indistinct scans, they haven't been able to identify the scarring they normally associate with cirrhosis, but my blood results are so deranged that cancer is the only other likely option as leukaemia has been ruled out. It is frustrating that these things take so long as time could be short. Having said that the last time I was told I could die was the first time I was hospitalised when the doctor there said "you look healthy, but your the sickest person here and could die any second" - that was two years ago!
Still, the news isn't good or likely to get better, apparently the pancreas is quite important as well, I thought it was an easy organ to do without - but I must have been thinking of the spleen. So the bucket list is on. The problem is thinking about things I haven't done. I haven't been up Corcovado Mountain in Rio to see the statue of The Saviour. Even leaving my faith aside, from the pictures I have seen it is an incredible sight. Only thing is I don't know if the Stalker would go. She hasn't been to Brazil, (I have really only been to Sao Paulo and Santos), and even though she was born a Catholic she has lost her faith. I want to go down with a Great White Shark and I am sure she would be up for that. I haven't been to the Great Wall of China either, although I don't know if she has. As you can see these things have a tendency to be expensive, but a rough plan for when we found out more about our relative health situations seems to be heading from the UK, through Europe towards Asia, through Fiji, (which I know she wants to visit), and around to the Americas.
Anyway, I have cheered up a great deal. Thanks for all the kind words from my readers - it really helped.I am looking on the bright side more now, only two things are bothering me, one I will need to make some serious coin as I would expect the Stalker to leave whatever she has left to her children and two, despite the relatively low likelihood of the doctors finding a donor liver, I really don't think I deserve it. If it is hard for me to get one, there must be other people with my blood group that it is equally difficult to find a match. If it happens, this is something I shall have to give some serious thought.
Listened to more R&B music Yesterday. The top five tracks:
Georgia On My Mind - Etta Jones is another one of my favourite artists, she also had some voice. But was almost always mistaken for the far more successful Etta James. Ok, she is more of a jazz singer than anything else but this is a great track reminds me of missing places and people.
Don't Leave Me This Way - Harold Melvin is in top form here. "Don't Leave me this way, a broken man with empty hands, oh baby please, please don't leave me this way". Considering the allegedly misogynistic nature of most of the big R&B/soul artists. They sure know how to turn on the sweet talk.
Village Ghetto Land - "Families buying dog food now, starvation roams the street. Babies die before they are born, infected by the grief. Now some folks say that we should be glad for what we have, tell me would you be happy in Village Ghetto Land".
Little Stevie Wonder apart from being a genius had such a strong social conscience.
Money - The Gladys Knight and The Pips version, Gladys is obviously a gospel singer. it is funny when you compare her "money is the root of all evil" song, compared to the sardonic, but also celebratory songs about cash like Money from Pink Floyd. Someone I spoke to in Memphis told me once that black people didn't really understand money before, people like Gladys, Arethra and Marvyn had never encountered real wealth so even small things seemed impressive to some of them. That is why the record companies could exploit them. I guess it's true even now. Chris Rock in his live show said "there is a difference between rich and wealthy, Shaq is rich - the white guy who signs his check is wealthy". I guess that is true all over the world.
Ain't No Sunshine - Al Jarreau, but seems everyone has done a version of this song. Does a broken hearted song get anymore plaintive than this?
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Yesterdays Booze: 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664
Yesterdays Soundtrack: More R&B
Well, despite the depressing news the other day, I actually get to find out more soon. I am going for an ultrasound and possibly CT scan tomorrow. It should be clearer as most of the excess fluid in my body has gone now. I will then see a Gastric consultant who will refer me to a liver specialist who will then put me on a transplant list. The doctor I spoke to before confirmed I have pancreatic cancer but the liver situation is more confusing. Due to the indistinct scans, they haven't been able to identify the scarring they normally associate with cirrhosis, but my blood results are so deranged that cancer is the only other likely option as leukaemia has been ruled out. It is frustrating that these things take so long as time could be short. Having said that the last time I was told I could die was the first time I was hospitalised when the doctor there said "you look healthy, but your the sickest person here and could die any second" - that was two years ago!
Still, the news isn't good or likely to get better, apparently the pancreas is quite important as well, I thought it was an easy organ to do without - but I must have been thinking of the spleen. So the bucket list is on. The problem is thinking about things I haven't done. I haven't been up Corcovado Mountain in Rio to see the statue of The Saviour. Even leaving my faith aside, from the pictures I have seen it is an incredible sight. Only thing is I don't know if the Stalker would go. She hasn't been to Brazil, (I have really only been to Sao Paulo and Santos), and even though she was born a Catholic she has lost her faith. I want to go down with a Great White Shark and I am sure she would be up for that. I haven't been to the Great Wall of China either, although I don't know if she has. As you can see these things have a tendency to be expensive, but a rough plan for when we found out more about our relative health situations seems to be heading from the UK, through Europe towards Asia, through Fiji, (which I know she wants to visit), and around to the Americas.
Anyway, I have cheered up a great deal. Thanks for all the kind words from my readers - it really helped.I am looking on the bright side more now, only two things are bothering me, one I will need to make some serious coin as I would expect the Stalker to leave whatever she has left to her children and two, despite the relatively low likelihood of the doctors finding a donor liver, I really don't think I deserve it. If it is hard for me to get one, there must be other people with my blood group that it is equally difficult to find a match. If it happens, this is something I shall have to give some serious thought.
Listened to more R&B music Yesterday. The top five tracks:
Georgia On My Mind - Etta Jones is another one of my favourite artists, she also had some voice. But was almost always mistaken for the far more successful Etta James. Ok, she is more of a jazz singer than anything else but this is a great track reminds me of missing places and people.
Don't Leave Me This Way - Harold Melvin is in top form here. "Don't Leave me this way, a broken man with empty hands, oh baby please, please don't leave me this way". Considering the allegedly misogynistic nature of most of the big R&B/soul artists. They sure know how to turn on the sweet talk.
Village Ghetto Land - "Families buying dog food now, starvation roams the street. Babies die before they are born, infected by the grief. Now some folks say that we should be glad for what we have, tell me would you be happy in Village Ghetto Land".
Little Stevie Wonder apart from being a genius had such a strong social conscience.
Money - The Gladys Knight and The Pips version, Gladys is obviously a gospel singer. it is funny when you compare her "money is the root of all evil" song, compared to the sardonic, but also celebratory songs about cash like Money from Pink Floyd. Someone I spoke to in Memphis told me once that black people didn't really understand money before, people like Gladys, Arethra and Marvyn had never encountered real wealth so even small things seemed impressive to some of them. That is why the record companies could exploit them. I guess it's true even now. Chris Rock in his live show said "there is a difference between rich and wealthy, Shaq is rich - the white guy who signs his check is wealthy". I guess that is true all over the world.
Ain't No Sunshine - Al Jarreau, but seems everyone has done a version of this song. Does a broken hearted song get anymore plaintive than this?
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Monday 14 June 2010
The Beauty Of Rome, The Genius Of Venice
Today's P&L: GBP 980.00
Today's Booze: One Litre of Stolychnaya vodka, 750cl of Patron tequila - No point in giving up now.
Today's Soundtrack: All sad songs
I hear the Seven Deadly Sins
And the Terrible Twins came to call on you
The bigger they are babe
The harder they fall on you
And you you're always the same you persevere
On the same old pleasure ground
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
You had no more volunteers
So you got profiteers for to help you out
With friends like that babe
Good friends you had to do without
And now they're taken the chains and the gears
From off your merry-go-round
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
And your new Romeo
Was just a gigolo when he let you down
See the faster they are babe
The faster they get out of town
Leaving make up stains and the tears
Of a clown
Yes and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
Oh you were just a roller coaster memory
I don't know why I was even passing through
I saw you making a date with Destiny
When he came around here asking after you
In the shadow of the Wheel Of Fortune
You're busy trying to clear your name
You say ' I may be guilty yeah that may be true
But I'd be lying if I said I was to blame
See we could have been major contenders
We never got no money no breaks '
You're got a list of all the major offenders
You got a list of all their major mistakes
And he's just standing in the shadows
Yes and you smile that come-on smile
Oh I can still hear you say as clear as the day
" I'd like to make it worth your while "
Ah but it's sad reminder
When your organ grinder has to come to you for rent
And all you've got to give him
Is the use of your side-show tent
Yes and that's all that remains of the years
Spent doing the rounds
And I never never rains around here
Well it just comes pouring down
Now you know what they say about beggars
You can't complain about the rules
You know what they are about beggars
You know who's the first to blame his tools
You never gave a damn about who you pick up
And leave laying bleeding on the ground
You screw people over on the way up
Because you thought that you were never coming down
And he takes you out in Vaudeville Valley
With his hand up smothering your screams
And he screws you down in Tin Pan Alley
In the city of a billion dreams
So, the jig is up, finally got some results back from the quacks and I have secondary liver and primary pancreatic cancer. The prognosis isn't great, but nobody is sure, best case they think eighteen months, worst case tonight. Of course they want to hospatilise me but I'll be damned if I spend my last few weeks or months in a hospital. I am dubious when they say this as they have been wrong before and they still can't identify the size or the locations of the lesions on my liver. I have a six millimeter shadow on the left lobe - doesn't sound so bad to me. If it is true, then I can't complain - my life hasn't been that bad. I can't tell my parents. I have put them through too much lately and anyway there was never any chance I would take their offer of a liver transplant. I don't have the same blood group as my mother and my father is just too old. Telling them the bad news will just ruin whatever is left of their lives. I have to hope I live longer than them.
Do I blame the booze? not at all, I have drunk so much in my life, but no one forced it down my throat. I am a grown up, and am willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. I will say that if drinking can damage someone like me then some drinkers out there should watch out. I have a hugely strong constitution, mind you I drank more than most. Sometimes, I didn't even know how much I was drinking but my father claims he once witnessed me drinking eight liters of spirits in one day. I know the day he is talking about. It was a heavy drinking day for me followed by the birthday of one of his friends, down in Spain. Sure I drank a lot but I didn't think it was that much. He says he has never seen anyone drink the way I do. One of my few friends also said that, well he said "you just drink until someone dies" and he came from a long line of Irish alcoholics. I can't hate the booze though, most of my great times have happened when I was slightly drunk. Very few people my age have experienced drinking in a tin shack bar in Lagos and a few years later sharing a cocktail with the ex president of America. - Christ, I am not immortal, what a shocker. I really thought I was.
Still, I will continue to write the dipso diaries as long as I can or as often as I can as The Stalker, who is also terminal is talking about her and I doing a bucket list. The bucket list is a fascinating idea for me as I obviously think I have done everything, any suggestions? There are some things I can't do such as sky diving as the landing would shatter my ankles and I have no time left for rehab. Remember, I have Osteoncrosis. I can't swim very well but one of the things on my provisional list is that going down in a cage to see a great white shark. Don't get all emotional and tell me I should make my peace with my parents or my older brother - that isn't likely to happen. The charity thing, done it. Although nowhere near as much as I should have and nothing compared to the stalker. I wanted to learn how to fly, but I doubt I have time for that.
The Stalker is also unreliable, not her fault, but those years we were apart she had a husband and two children. I wouldn't deny her the right to spend what time she has left with her family. She has prepared for this, after her first diagnosis with cancer she effectively transferred parenting of her children to her husband. As I have learned saying it and doing it are far different things.
Suppose I should also start thinking what to do with the few assets I have left. there is the small house in Windsor and the villa in Spain and I think I still have an apartment in a dodgy area of South East London, but you know it suddenly seems so unimportant. The place in Spain is leased out but I may just liquidate the rest for the funds to spend on the bucket list. The stalker and I don't fly at the back of the plane. I doubt Mastercard or Visa will approve but what am I going to do? Worry about paying my debts? You know, the fight is over - they won, now they can try and reclaim any money I owe them from my ashes.
I'd like to thank anyone who ever read this blog, ok only eleven followers but quite a few anonymous readers. Sorry I didn't have any great insights or that I was really just writing about my own selfish life. One day this blog will dissapear into the internet dust. I was always genuine though, I started writing about my self destruction, just happened quicker than I thought. I am not Elvis or Mozart, I am just a ghost of the man I used to be. The thing that bothers me most is that I didn't do enough with my life. As Tom Cruise would say in Collateral, "Guy gets on the subway and dies. Think anybody'll notice"? And as Truman would say:
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: One Litre of Stolychnaya vodka, 750cl of Patron tequila - No point in giving up now.
Today's Soundtrack: All sad songs
I hear the Seven Deadly Sins
And the Terrible Twins came to call on you
The bigger they are babe
The harder they fall on you
And you you're always the same you persevere
On the same old pleasure ground
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
You had no more volunteers
So you got profiteers for to help you out
With friends like that babe
Good friends you had to do without
And now they're taken the chains and the gears
From off your merry-go-round
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
And your new Romeo
Was just a gigolo when he let you down
See the faster they are babe
The faster they get out of town
Leaving make up stains and the tears
Of a clown
Yes and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down
Oh you were just a roller coaster memory
I don't know why I was even passing through
I saw you making a date with Destiny
When he came around here asking after you
In the shadow of the Wheel Of Fortune
You're busy trying to clear your name
You say ' I may be guilty yeah that may be true
But I'd be lying if I said I was to blame
See we could have been major contenders
We never got no money no breaks '
You're got a list of all the major offenders
You got a list of all their major mistakes
And he's just standing in the shadows
Yes and you smile that come-on smile
Oh I can still hear you say as clear as the day
" I'd like to make it worth your while "
Ah but it's sad reminder
When your organ grinder has to come to you for rent
And all you've got to give him
Is the use of your side-show tent
Yes and that's all that remains of the years
Spent doing the rounds
And I never never rains around here
Well it just comes pouring down
Now you know what they say about beggars
You can't complain about the rules
You know what they are about beggars
You know who's the first to blame his tools
You never gave a damn about who you pick up
And leave laying bleeding on the ground
You screw people over on the way up
Because you thought that you were never coming down
And he takes you out in Vaudeville Valley
With his hand up smothering your screams
And he screws you down in Tin Pan Alley
In the city of a billion dreams
So, the jig is up, finally got some results back from the quacks and I have secondary liver and primary pancreatic cancer. The prognosis isn't great, but nobody is sure, best case they think eighteen months, worst case tonight. Of course they want to hospatilise me but I'll be damned if I spend my last few weeks or months in a hospital. I am dubious when they say this as they have been wrong before and they still can't identify the size or the locations of the lesions on my liver. I have a six millimeter shadow on the left lobe - doesn't sound so bad to me. If it is true, then I can't complain - my life hasn't been that bad. I can't tell my parents. I have put them through too much lately and anyway there was never any chance I would take their offer of a liver transplant. I don't have the same blood group as my mother and my father is just too old. Telling them the bad news will just ruin whatever is left of their lives. I have to hope I live longer than them.
Do I blame the booze? not at all, I have drunk so much in my life, but no one forced it down my throat. I am a grown up, and am willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. I will say that if drinking can damage someone like me then some drinkers out there should watch out. I have a hugely strong constitution, mind you I drank more than most. Sometimes, I didn't even know how much I was drinking but my father claims he once witnessed me drinking eight liters of spirits in one day. I know the day he is talking about. It was a heavy drinking day for me followed by the birthday of one of his friends, down in Spain. Sure I drank a lot but I didn't think it was that much. He says he has never seen anyone drink the way I do. One of my few friends also said that, well he said "you just drink until someone dies" and he came from a long line of Irish alcoholics. I can't hate the booze though, most of my great times have happened when I was slightly drunk. Very few people my age have experienced drinking in a tin shack bar in Lagos and a few years later sharing a cocktail with the ex president of America. - Christ, I am not immortal, what a shocker. I really thought I was.
Still, I will continue to write the dipso diaries as long as I can or as often as I can as The Stalker, who is also terminal is talking about her and I doing a bucket list. The bucket list is a fascinating idea for me as I obviously think I have done everything, any suggestions? There are some things I can't do such as sky diving as the landing would shatter my ankles and I have no time left for rehab. Remember, I have Osteoncrosis. I can't swim very well but one of the things on my provisional list is that going down in a cage to see a great white shark. Don't get all emotional and tell me I should make my peace with my parents or my older brother - that isn't likely to happen. The charity thing, done it. Although nowhere near as much as I should have and nothing compared to the stalker. I wanted to learn how to fly, but I doubt I have time for that.
The Stalker is also unreliable, not her fault, but those years we were apart she had a husband and two children. I wouldn't deny her the right to spend what time she has left with her family. She has prepared for this, after her first diagnosis with cancer she effectively transferred parenting of her children to her husband. As I have learned saying it and doing it are far different things.
Suppose I should also start thinking what to do with the few assets I have left. there is the small house in Windsor and the villa in Spain and I think I still have an apartment in a dodgy area of South East London, but you know it suddenly seems so unimportant. The place in Spain is leased out but I may just liquidate the rest for the funds to spend on the bucket list. The stalker and I don't fly at the back of the plane. I doubt Mastercard or Visa will approve but what am I going to do? Worry about paying my debts? You know, the fight is over - they won, now they can try and reclaim any money I owe them from my ashes.
I'd like to thank anyone who ever read this blog, ok only eleven followers but quite a few anonymous readers. Sorry I didn't have any great insights or that I was really just writing about my own selfish life. One day this blog will dissapear into the internet dust. I was always genuine though, I started writing about my self destruction, just happened quicker than I thought. I am not Elvis or Mozart, I am just a ghost of the man I used to be. The thing that bothers me most is that I didn't do enough with my life. As Tom Cruise would say in Collateral, "Guy gets on the subway and dies. Think anybody'll notice"? And as Truman would say:
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Saturday 12 June 2010
Dancing With Myself
Today's P&L: GBP 0.00
Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of Red Stripe lager
Today's Soundtrack: Eighties pop/rock
Well, that was brilliant. I must have caught my leg on the corner of a bed or nail or something. One of the grafts on my calf has a tear in it and there are a few patches of black skin. I can't handle another three weeks in hospital. Next week I get to see another bunch of doctors who might finally have some answers for me that don't involve a liver transplant. If the necrotising skin grows in size then I will be back in the local hospital and miss that appointment. Seems meaningless anyway as they have already told me they can't do another graft on my leg. Whatever happens - I have to keep it quiet from my family. The old folks have gone on a cruise and I know my mother will demand to be flown back to the UK if she finds out I am hospitalised for the fifth time in six months. I cant show the stalker either, despite her medical training, because she just got released from hospital and has practically no immune system right now. So looks like I am on my own.
The Princess has, apparently, got married to some older dude. Some Japanese guy in his fifties. It's difficult for me to remember she is only ten years younger than me so she is getting on a bit by Asian standards. In my mind she will always be twenty three. They had the Thai ceremonies at her family compound and across the river at the Oriental. Not a cheap place to get married. I think the Japanese ceremony was in Kyoto. I am glad for her, I have no bad feelings towards her at all, she was a lovely girl and I hope she is happy, she never needed someone like me in her life.
I was reflecting on life a little. If you could get another chance, what would you do different? I would be interested in hearing from any readers if there is anything they would do differently. For myself I doubt anything would change, I would probably be locked in this self-destructive cycle no matter what. But judging by the comments I have had on this blog, most readers are a little more sensible than me.
Listened to more eighties music today. The top five tracks:
Don't Need A Gun - Has anybody ever had anything good to say about Billy Idol? Personally, I like his music. There is no great message behind it, it is rock'nroll party music. Billy Idol made a lot of money with a sneer and a bad attitude, but then this was in the days before America's got talent and Pop Idol. Ok, I would trust Myleene Klass to look after my children, but I'd rather go on a night out with Billy.
Hold Me Now - The Thompson Twins, a great song. "You ask If I love you, Well what can I say". Why do girls need to hear it so much and why is it so hard for men to say?
Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues, "Then we sang a song, the rare old mountain dew, I turned my face away and dreamed about you". Not very seasonal but the song that reminds me of the lunatic more than any other. The single most hostile and passionate love affair I ever had. Sooner or later though, you get tired of checking she hasn't cut your balls off when you wake up.
Snow On The Sahara - Don't know if this was released in Europe or if it is from the eighties, but quite a big hit in Asia for the Indonesian singer Anggun. I love this song because it is full of the mystery of the east and also the myth, (and truth), about why so many white men are entranced by Asian women. "If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts, I'll hold you up and be your way out, And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara ". Check out the video on you tube. Angunn is so exotic. Reminds me of a lost weekend in Jakarta. Asians are calm and quiet on the outside and avoid confrontation, but they are very tempestuous. I love Asia, especially South East Asia, but you can imagine how my lack of depth went down. In a society where closeness is welcomed I could have been from another planet. The Lunatic is a good example, often everyone, including her servants would end up sleeping in the same room, despite their not only being several bedrooms but also four adjoined houses - all empty.
I've Been Losing You - aHA, anyone remember them? Norwegian pop idols. "Now in the mirror stands half a man, I thought no one could break". Reminds me of drinking at lunch hour when I was in school. The nearest pub had this on the juke box. Scandinavians are a little fascinating to me. They seem so indifferent to so much. But their passionate nature must run deep. I thought no one could break me, but I am beginning to suspect I may be weaker than I thought.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of Red Stripe lager
Today's Soundtrack: Eighties pop/rock
Well, that was brilliant. I must have caught my leg on the corner of a bed or nail or something. One of the grafts on my calf has a tear in it and there are a few patches of black skin. I can't handle another three weeks in hospital. Next week I get to see another bunch of doctors who might finally have some answers for me that don't involve a liver transplant. If the necrotising skin grows in size then I will be back in the local hospital and miss that appointment. Seems meaningless anyway as they have already told me they can't do another graft on my leg. Whatever happens - I have to keep it quiet from my family. The old folks have gone on a cruise and I know my mother will demand to be flown back to the UK if she finds out I am hospitalised for the fifth time in six months. I cant show the stalker either, despite her medical training, because she just got released from hospital and has practically no immune system right now. So looks like I am on my own.
The Princess has, apparently, got married to some older dude. Some Japanese guy in his fifties. It's difficult for me to remember she is only ten years younger than me so she is getting on a bit by Asian standards. In my mind she will always be twenty three. They had the Thai ceremonies at her family compound and across the river at the Oriental. Not a cheap place to get married. I think the Japanese ceremony was in Kyoto. I am glad for her, I have no bad feelings towards her at all, she was a lovely girl and I hope she is happy, she never needed someone like me in her life.
I was reflecting on life a little. If you could get another chance, what would you do different? I would be interested in hearing from any readers if there is anything they would do differently. For myself I doubt anything would change, I would probably be locked in this self-destructive cycle no matter what. But judging by the comments I have had on this blog, most readers are a little more sensible than me.
Listened to more eighties music today. The top five tracks:
Don't Need A Gun - Has anybody ever had anything good to say about Billy Idol? Personally, I like his music. There is no great message behind it, it is rock'nroll party music. Billy Idol made a lot of money with a sneer and a bad attitude, but then this was in the days before America's got talent and Pop Idol. Ok, I would trust Myleene Klass to look after my children, but I'd rather go on a night out with Billy.
Hold Me Now - The Thompson Twins, a great song. "You ask If I love you, Well what can I say". Why do girls need to hear it so much and why is it so hard for men to say?
Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues, "Then we sang a song, the rare old mountain dew, I turned my face away and dreamed about you". Not very seasonal but the song that reminds me of the lunatic more than any other. The single most hostile and passionate love affair I ever had. Sooner or later though, you get tired of checking she hasn't cut your balls off when you wake up.
Snow On The Sahara - Don't know if this was released in Europe or if it is from the eighties, but quite a big hit in Asia for the Indonesian singer Anggun. I love this song because it is full of the mystery of the east and also the myth, (and truth), about why so many white men are entranced by Asian women. "If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts, I'll hold you up and be your way out, And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara ". Check out the video on you tube. Angunn is so exotic. Reminds me of a lost weekend in Jakarta. Asians are calm and quiet on the outside and avoid confrontation, but they are very tempestuous. I love Asia, especially South East Asia, but you can imagine how my lack of depth went down. In a society where closeness is welcomed I could have been from another planet. The Lunatic is a good example, often everyone, including her servants would end up sleeping in the same room, despite their not only being several bedrooms but also four adjoined houses - all empty.
I've Been Losing You - aHA, anyone remember them? Norwegian pop idols. "Now in the mirror stands half a man, I thought no one could break". Reminds me of drinking at lunch hour when I was in school. The nearest pub had this on the juke box. Scandinavians are a little fascinating to me. They seem so indifferent to so much. But their passionate nature must run deep. I thought no one could break me, but I am beginning to suspect I may be weaker than I thought.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Thursday 10 June 2010
The Kindness Of Strangers
Yesterdays P&L: GBP 230.00
Yesterdays Booze: bottle of rioja
Yesterdays Soundtrack: Simple Minds
Markets are crazy just now and I just don't have the resources to trade them properly but I bet some hedge funds are making a fortune. Didn't take long for the Greek contagion to spread to Spain. The American deficit is about to exceed its GDP. GDP or gross domestic product is a bit of an odd indicator as nobody is really sure about the accuracy of the number. In the case of Uncle Sam it is generally around fourteen trillion dollars and global output is about forty five trillion dollars. America is clearly in a shocking fiscal situation. Even the British Empire, exhausted after the cost of the first world war and maintaining the cost of an empire that covered a quarter of the world wasn't so indebted. Something has to give sooner or later.
Someone I don't know recently gave me something. I am always amazed at random gestures of affection, and every time they crack me up. I am the guy who has a tear in his eye when he unexpectedly receives a birthday present at work. A lot of people think my family must have been unnecessarily harsh when I was a child, but this isn't the case. I have avoided people on situations like this since I was about eleven years old. I guess I am essentially a very selfish person, but it's more than that. One of my many ex girlfriends, the princess, said I seem to hate the possibility of being happy, even for just a moment. She may have been right. She claimed that I wasn't a real person, that I was hollow inside. This isn't true, I do feel happiness, I just find it hard to express it.
Today mostly I was listening to Simple Minds. South side boys, like me I suppose. Like U2, (who would go on to much bigger things), they have a Celtic flair for the dramatic. The top five songs I listened to:
See The Lights - "I want to tell you love, I'm too proud to cry". Soft rock, but this really appeals to me. I wonder how many people go through life regretting their pride and what it cost them.
Waterfront - Many Scottish people have a natural affection for the sea. it's been part of my life forever. I have never lived far from the water, even if it was only the dirty old Thames rolling through London. When I was a child, the waterfront was the docks and when we would go there we were either meeting my father or joining one of his ships - I'll never forget the activity, the smells and the endless possibilities. Nowadays they wharfs are quiet and filled by office workers or full of apartments.
Belfast Child - Simple Minds are one of those bands with social conscience, but the problems that happened in Ireland are very close to Glaswegians as so many of us have Irish relatives. Isn't that so absurdly English to call the situation there "the troubles". What I remember most about Belfast was how the ordinary people just treated everything like normal, children wouldn't interrupt their game just because a group of soldiers was moving through them or an armoured personnel carrier was moving past them.
Don't You Forget About Me - The huge hit from the movie Breakfast Club. I remember seeing them in concert somewhere in Europe, probably at some stadium in Italy and the guitarist standing on a speaker ripping out the opening chords - brilliant.
Theme For Great Cities - An instrumental song, in the eighties bands would often throw in these kind of songs as fillers but this one is different. Back when I used to drive, I remember having this on the stereo as I drove around the m25. What is it about cities that draws us to them, the need to be with other people? I am sure I would be happy without them but I love the heartbeat of a busy city, crossing London bridge at eight thirty in the morning knowing you don't have to go to work, walking down Sukhumvit in Bangkok as everyone ignores you. Only in great cities can you be surrounded by millions of people yet still be alone.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Yesterdays Booze: bottle of rioja
Yesterdays Soundtrack: Simple Minds
Markets are crazy just now and I just don't have the resources to trade them properly but I bet some hedge funds are making a fortune. Didn't take long for the Greek contagion to spread to Spain. The American deficit is about to exceed its GDP. GDP or gross domestic product is a bit of an odd indicator as nobody is really sure about the accuracy of the number. In the case of Uncle Sam it is generally around fourteen trillion dollars and global output is about forty five trillion dollars. America is clearly in a shocking fiscal situation. Even the British Empire, exhausted after the cost of the first world war and maintaining the cost of an empire that covered a quarter of the world wasn't so indebted. Something has to give sooner or later.
Someone I don't know recently gave me something. I am always amazed at random gestures of affection, and every time they crack me up. I am the guy who has a tear in his eye when he unexpectedly receives a birthday present at work. A lot of people think my family must have been unnecessarily harsh when I was a child, but this isn't the case. I have avoided people on situations like this since I was about eleven years old. I guess I am essentially a very selfish person, but it's more than that. One of my many ex girlfriends, the princess, said I seem to hate the possibility of being happy, even for just a moment. She may have been right. She claimed that I wasn't a real person, that I was hollow inside. This isn't true, I do feel happiness, I just find it hard to express it.
Today mostly I was listening to Simple Minds. South side boys, like me I suppose. Like U2, (who would go on to much bigger things), they have a Celtic flair for the dramatic. The top five songs I listened to:
See The Lights - "I want to tell you love, I'm too proud to cry". Soft rock, but this really appeals to me. I wonder how many people go through life regretting their pride and what it cost them.
Waterfront - Many Scottish people have a natural affection for the sea. it's been part of my life forever. I have never lived far from the water, even if it was only the dirty old Thames rolling through London. When I was a child, the waterfront was the docks and when we would go there we were either meeting my father or joining one of his ships - I'll never forget the activity, the smells and the endless possibilities. Nowadays they wharfs are quiet and filled by office workers or full of apartments.
Belfast Child - Simple Minds are one of those bands with social conscience, but the problems that happened in Ireland are very close to Glaswegians as so many of us have Irish relatives. Isn't that so absurdly English to call the situation there "the troubles". What I remember most about Belfast was how the ordinary people just treated everything like normal, children wouldn't interrupt their game just because a group of soldiers was moving through them or an armoured personnel carrier was moving past them.
Don't You Forget About Me - The huge hit from the movie Breakfast Club. I remember seeing them in concert somewhere in Europe, probably at some stadium in Italy and the guitarist standing on a speaker ripping out the opening chords - brilliant.
Theme For Great Cities - An instrumental song, in the eighties bands would often throw in these kind of songs as fillers but this one is different. Back when I used to drive, I remember having this on the stereo as I drove around the m25. What is it about cities that draws us to them, the need to be with other people? I am sure I would be happy without them but I love the heartbeat of a busy city, crossing London bridge at eight thirty in the morning knowing you don't have to go to work, walking down Sukhumvit in Bangkok as everyone ignores you. Only in great cities can you be surrounded by millions of people yet still be alone.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Thursday 3 June 2010
No Tears, No Fears
Today's P&L: GBP -390.00
Today's Booze: 4 pints of Aspinall Cider
Today's Soundtrack: Prefab Sprout
No Tears, No Fears, it's the line most people remember from Liars Poker, a book about long defunct bank Salomon Brothers. Liars poker is a game almost every trader plays, betting on the serial numbers of bank notes. We used to do it to find out who had to buy the first round, but its mainly to kill time, (trading is often long periods of boredom with brief flashes of activity). The phrase "No Tears, No Fears" means no recrimination if you lose, in other words if you are worried about losing - don't play the game. I think life is like that. don't take risks, then whine about the outcome, (which seems odd as this blog is mostly a whining session about how hard my life is). Indulge me, I never said I was perfect.
Am I afraid of losing? I guess so, who isn't? I think I am more afraid of underachieving, which I know I have. This bothers me even more than letting down my family. My mother actually had a cab driver come around to check I was still alive, this is absurd, she can't protect me anymore - "No Tears, No Fears".
I lost five hundred pounds on the Brent Crude contract today, partially offset by a short position on the Dow. I think people haven't thought this BP thing through. An awful lot of oil companies had projected future earnings on deep offshore drilling off the American continental shelf, which seems unlikely now. We have had oil at over one hundred dollars a barrel in in the past and see no reason why it can't happen again. Trading oil is tricky though as it's margin requirements are high.
Today I was listening to Prefab Sprout. The top five songs I listened to:
The King Of Rock And Roll - How obvious that I would love this. Paddy McAloon claims to have written it in twenty minutes. Just long enough to walk down Lonely Street. "All my lazy teenage boasts are now high precision ghosts, and there coming round the track, to haunt me. When she looks at me and laughs, I remind her of the facts - I'm the king of rock and roll, completely".
Cars And Girls - Some things matter more than cars and girls, but try telling that to a teenage male.
When Love Breaks Down - It's true, "absence makes the heart lose weight". A song that reminds me of all the girls who swore they would never forget me and don't even recall my name anymore.
Life Of Surprises - Why do I feel there are no surprises left for me?
I Remember That - "Maybe words never spoken, aren't they the ones worth hearing"? I really have nothing more to say about this song.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: 4 pints of Aspinall Cider
Today's Soundtrack: Prefab Sprout
No Tears, No Fears, it's the line most people remember from Liars Poker, a book about long defunct bank Salomon Brothers. Liars poker is a game almost every trader plays, betting on the serial numbers of bank notes. We used to do it to find out who had to buy the first round, but its mainly to kill time, (trading is often long periods of boredom with brief flashes of activity). The phrase "No Tears, No Fears" means no recrimination if you lose, in other words if you are worried about losing - don't play the game. I think life is like that. don't take risks, then whine about the outcome, (which seems odd as this blog is mostly a whining session about how hard my life is). Indulge me, I never said I was perfect.
Am I afraid of losing? I guess so, who isn't? I think I am more afraid of underachieving, which I know I have. This bothers me even more than letting down my family. My mother actually had a cab driver come around to check I was still alive, this is absurd, she can't protect me anymore - "No Tears, No Fears".
I lost five hundred pounds on the Brent Crude contract today, partially offset by a short position on the Dow. I think people haven't thought this BP thing through. An awful lot of oil companies had projected future earnings on deep offshore drilling off the American continental shelf, which seems unlikely now. We have had oil at over one hundred dollars a barrel in in the past and see no reason why it can't happen again. Trading oil is tricky though as it's margin requirements are high.
Today I was listening to Prefab Sprout. The top five songs I listened to:
The King Of Rock And Roll - How obvious that I would love this. Paddy McAloon claims to have written it in twenty minutes. Just long enough to walk down Lonely Street. "All my lazy teenage boasts are now high precision ghosts, and there coming round the track, to haunt me. When she looks at me and laughs, I remind her of the facts - I'm the king of rock and roll, completely".
Cars And Girls - Some things matter more than cars and girls, but try telling that to a teenage male.
When Love Breaks Down - It's true, "absence makes the heart lose weight". A song that reminds me of all the girls who swore they would never forget me and don't even recall my name anymore.
Life Of Surprises - Why do I feel there are no surprises left for me?
I Remember That - "Maybe words never spoken, aren't they the ones worth hearing"? I really have nothing more to say about this song.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Wednesday 2 June 2010
The suffering, the sweet, sweet suffering
You know, its four thirty am in the morning here and I can't sleep because of the pain in my legs. Whats the answer I need to drink to numb the pain but if I do, I am going to die that much quicker.
Any advice?
Any advice?
Tuesday 1 June 2010
If it doesn't kill you...
Today's P&L: GBP -290.00
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: No music really
Bad trading day today, nobodies fault but mine. I read the market wrong from the start. The futures were down and I sold out at he bottom. I hate this, I know I am a better trader than this, OK my arrogance often gets the better of me but I shouldn't make such amateurish mistakes. I am getting very frustrated with my lack of success.
Feeling quite lonely since the parents departed, the stalker is still in hospital, so I am home alone. It's probably a good thing as my sex drive is still quite low, the doctors think it is because of the enormous stresses placed on my body recently. I just think that it's due to my poor trading, I always feel more virile when I am winning. It is odd because the stalker has, if anything, a higher sex drive despite being unwell. She seems OK about it but every now and again reminds me that when we first went out I made love to her all night until she couldn't breath. God, that was a lifetime and three hundred or so partners ago for me.
Thinking about my family history recently, I barely know my immediate family, let alone my grandparents, who are all dead. My father says I was the pride of his father, although he died before my first accident so, I can't remember him at all. Apparently he was quite the character. Since my father came from such a poor background, I assumed he would be poor also, although how much down from Govan you can go I am not sure. Turns out this wasn't the case his father was a White Russian Jew and the family had a major business on the Southside of Glasgow. Nothing was left to my grandfather however as he married a Roman Catholic and, like most white Russians, they were jews. His adventures in the war, make me laugh, as he was clearly a man like me. He had persuaded all his friends to sign up for the territorial army in order to collect the bounty they then paid, assuring them that there was no chance of war. Within the month, they were in France. His friends spent most of their time trying to hunt him down. When they were evacuated from Dunkirk, it was just prior to payday and the place that stored the British mens wages was behind German lines, so he had a plot to rob the bank, which he and his brother achieved, unfortunately the cash held was BFPO money and not only was it useless back home they would be given the death sentence for having stolen it, so they dumped it over the side of the ship. He then had a dubious army career in North Africa before finally ending up in Greece. My grandmother, possibly one of the fiercest women I have ever encountered, finally demanded he came home in nineteen forty seven, which was two years after the war ended.
I wonder how I would have done in the war. I am not the heroic type, so I doubt I would do well. Through bad timing and circumstance I have been through three uprisings, that could have turned into civil wars. I seem to have inherited the uncanny sixth sense my father has for desperate situations although I lack his ability to know exactly when to cut and run. Which is why I know what it feels like to have the barrel of a Kalashnikov against the back of my head and he doesn't.
As I said yesterday I was going to watch some movies and i re watched The Killing Fields. This film always makes me cry. You know the Cambodians had a very pure form of Buddhism and who could have thought they of all people would commit the atrocity of year zero. I have been to Cambodia a few times and I'll be honest I love it there but its a desperate place. A whole generation wiped out. When you are sitting in the foreign corespondents bar in Phnom Pen, you can see how beautiful the country and people are. Of course there were very few Westerners in the country when the Khmer Rouge were in charge but anyone who reads the autobiography of Haing S Ngor, who played Dith Prang will realise how accurate the film was. His description of the water torture in the forest, with the discarded embryos and babies in the trees will stick in my mind forever. Also when he says the look on the young girls face when she breaks the vine he tried to grow, sent a chill down his spine. I was lucky enough to avoid such situations, but I still remember being held at gunpoint by Kopassus soldiers in Indonesia and the lunatic ex telling me, "whatever you do - don't get on your knees because then they will shoot you".
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Today's Booze: Nothing
Today's Soundtrack: No music really
Bad trading day today, nobodies fault but mine. I read the market wrong from the start. The futures were down and I sold out at he bottom. I hate this, I know I am a better trader than this, OK my arrogance often gets the better of me but I shouldn't make such amateurish mistakes. I am getting very frustrated with my lack of success.
Feeling quite lonely since the parents departed, the stalker is still in hospital, so I am home alone. It's probably a good thing as my sex drive is still quite low, the doctors think it is because of the enormous stresses placed on my body recently. I just think that it's due to my poor trading, I always feel more virile when I am winning. It is odd because the stalker has, if anything, a higher sex drive despite being unwell. She seems OK about it but every now and again reminds me that when we first went out I made love to her all night until she couldn't breath. God, that was a lifetime and three hundred or so partners ago for me.
Thinking about my family history recently, I barely know my immediate family, let alone my grandparents, who are all dead. My father says I was the pride of his father, although he died before my first accident so, I can't remember him at all. Apparently he was quite the character. Since my father came from such a poor background, I assumed he would be poor also, although how much down from Govan you can go I am not sure. Turns out this wasn't the case his father was a White Russian Jew and the family had a major business on the Southside of Glasgow. Nothing was left to my grandfather however as he married a Roman Catholic and, like most white Russians, they were jews. His adventures in the war, make me laugh, as he was clearly a man like me. He had persuaded all his friends to sign up for the territorial army in order to collect the bounty they then paid, assuring them that there was no chance of war. Within the month, they were in France. His friends spent most of their time trying to hunt him down. When they were evacuated from Dunkirk, it was just prior to payday and the place that stored the British mens wages was behind German lines, so he had a plot to rob the bank, which he and his brother achieved, unfortunately the cash held was BFPO money and not only was it useless back home they would be given the death sentence for having stolen it, so they dumped it over the side of the ship. He then had a dubious army career in North Africa before finally ending up in Greece. My grandmother, possibly one of the fiercest women I have ever encountered, finally demanded he came home in nineteen forty seven, which was two years after the war ended.
I wonder how I would have done in the war. I am not the heroic type, so I doubt I would do well. Through bad timing and circumstance I have been through three uprisings, that could have turned into civil wars. I seem to have inherited the uncanny sixth sense my father has for desperate situations although I lack his ability to know exactly when to cut and run. Which is why I know what it feels like to have the barrel of a Kalashnikov against the back of my head and he doesn't.
As I said yesterday I was going to watch some movies and i re watched The Killing Fields. This film always makes me cry. You know the Cambodians had a very pure form of Buddhism and who could have thought they of all people would commit the atrocity of year zero. I have been to Cambodia a few times and I'll be honest I love it there but its a desperate place. A whole generation wiped out. When you are sitting in the foreign corespondents bar in Phnom Pen, you can see how beautiful the country and people are. Of course there were very few Westerners in the country when the Khmer Rouge were in charge but anyone who reads the autobiography of Haing S Ngor, who played Dith Prang will realise how accurate the film was. His description of the water torture in the forest, with the discarded embryos and babies in the trees will stick in my mind forever. Also when he says the look on the young girls face when she breaks the vine he tried to grow, sent a chill down his spine. I was lucky enough to avoid such situations, but I still remember being held at gunpoint by Kopassus soldiers in Indonesia and the lunatic ex telling me, "whatever you do - don't get on your knees because then they will shoot you".
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
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