Soul Survivor

Today's P&L: Everyone in the city seems to have died or gone on holiday

Today's Booze: 2 bottles of good red wine

Today's Soundtrack: Music that hurts


Nothing happening in the markets there was some volatility but the hot weather in London and the Easter break seem to have pulled everyone from their desks. I remain convinced the markets are headed for a downfall of significant size. Just check out the gold price, it is now firmly established at the fifteen hundred dollar level. most of that is due to the worrying increase in inflation. All governments are reluctant to release genuine inflation numbers because inflation is like the genie in the bottle, when it gets free it is hard to control. China and India are admitting to eight and ten percent inflation respectively. But you can bet its a lot higher in real terms. the effect of that is to limit real economic spending power in those countries so the vaunted future growth centers of the world may not be as attractive as some imagine.

Received an unexpected call from the Lunatic this morning. One of the other great loves of my life, She is in Singapore just now and we spoke for five hours. She and I still have so much chemistry together. At the same time The Stalker is back in hospital, did I feel like a shit for talking to another woman when I should only have her in my thoughts? Of course I did. However, both these women left me a long time ago for some men who were not so "difficult". Didn't work out for either of them and they seemed to both know I would always be alone. I am beginning to feel like the last refuge for the lonely and heartbroken. The Stalker and The Lunatic are very similar in more than just their nationality. They are both volatile. I guess the biggest difference is The Stalker has a strong level of self-control, until she gets drunk. The Lunatic is completely out of hand. Perhaps she has changed, its eleven years since I last saw her. All I need now is The Princess and The Italian and the Turk to get in touch and I will have the full set. I suppose I have been lucky with women but also you could say I was very unlucky none of my serious relationships have ended well. We have both came out with scars and bruises. The one night stands were so much easier. Emotions hurt some times.

Easter was good, I went to church and finally felt good about myself. If even only for a few hours. I have to go back to hospital soon I don't want to tell the Stalker when, because I am beginning to feel obligated to her for her visits. Maybe I won't be in long this time but I rarely get away with a quick visit. This time maybe when they give me some indication of how long I have left. It seems so odd to be considering death despite my reckless lifestyle. I am sure it will have more impact later but just now I don't really feel anything. Of course I have had to lie to my parents as well, my mother in particular seems to be taking it hard. I told her already she has no duty to look after me but I guess that's what mothers do.


Today's music, my top five tracks:

I Might Have Been Queen - One of Tina's best. This song makes me think of the strong women I have known in my life, but its the last verse that gets to me every time. " I look up to the stars with my perfect memory, I look through it all and my futures no shock to me, I look down but I see no tragedy, I look up to the stars till I find my destiny..." ,why do things that hurt you feel so good?

Real Good Looking Boy - A great song from the post Keith Moon Who. Does this song apply to me? I am not sure, I am quite confident I am attractive but there has to be more to it than that. My demeanor and personality are not exactly what you would call sparkling. And my self-obsession can hardly be a bonus. Still, "Wise men say
Only fools, only fools rush in, But I - I can't help Falling in love, in love with you".

Storm Warning - Another old time favourite of mine, Hilary James has a really nice voice and in this song she sounds so desperate. Perhaps not everyone understands that feeling but I am sure most of us do. I had to tell The Lunatic about my illness today and she immediately said she will get on a plane to be with me. Not sure her current boyfriend would appreciate that though.

On Every Street - This song brings back so many memories for me. I really did revisit a lot of the old places I used to go with my girlfriends in the years we were apart, not deliberately looking for them but somehow hoping I would bump into them by accident. I guess they were too involved at the time to think about me but I remember everything about each of them. They came back to me but the irony is I am running out of time.

Don't Give Up - Kate Bush always has a song for me when I am feeling down. This is depression era music at its best. I suppose I have had a gifted life, things always came easily to me - perhaps too easily. My parents are from a different time and a very poor background but they both struggled and succeeded. I still remember asking my mother if she ever read No Mean City, a classic novel about the in between years in Glasgow and she replied "we didn't need to - we lived it".

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!