Home Alone

Todays P&L: 0.00 GBP

Todays Booze: 2 pints of cider, 2 pints of Kronenbourg 1664

Todays Soundtrack: Sad songs

So I am home at last, temporarily, I have to go back in two days to change the dressings on my leg, (I am bandaged from my toes to my hip, with a cast surrounding the actual graft). The pain is quite intense, not on the actual graft where all the skin, fat and nerves have been removed but on the donor sites where they have cut just far enough into the skin to expose the nerve endings. I let myself down and had a few drinks, because of the length of my sobriety the feeling was quite good and I definitely gained some minimal relief. I have a liter bottle of Talisker and Bacardi on hand but strangely do not feel compelled to open them. Perhaps I am losing my dipso urges - so sad. I am glad to be out of the hospital although I am still relatively immobile and putting far too much weight on my injured leg, I just couldn't stand it in there any longer, I was practically becoming institutionalized. The doctors and nurses did a good job, although I could have done without a trainee nurse throwing up when she saw the wound after the first operation when they carved away half my lower leg.

The stalker seems to have split up with me, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I was sort of getting used to her. At the same time I did warn her I am not a good patient and she should avoid me until I am feeling better. Anyway, I am feeling far too removed from humanity right now to worry about her happiness, maybe its just another chance I have blown, i'll just add it to the list.

I haven't really checked out the markets during my incarceration, (I had a laptop at first, but the stalker took it back in a strop), a quick glance at old news shows that the crisis in Greece is over, (good luck with that). The Chinese continue their relentless search for natural resources by using their huge cash reserves, (Three billion dollars for Argentina's state owned energy exporter). Hang on a minute, Argentina doesn't have any significant oil reserves. If I was the British government, I wouldn't count on Chinese support if any Falkland Islands tensions increase. The market continues to increase although it definitely has the feeling of being overbought. Why not? Equities make more sense than anything else in a world swimming with liquidity and that's what concerns me most. Despite the shock of very nearly seeing a complete collapse of the international banking system. Everything is fine thanks to excess liquidity. Once again we have ordered another round of drinks but no one is really sure who is going to pay the tab when it comes.

Back at home I have been listening to my vast music collection and in line with my current self-pity and perhaps because of the stalker I have once again been listening to sad songs.

Rough Boy - ZZ Top with a mighty soulful blues guitar. This song makes me feel that being alone isn't so bad. In this song Billy Gibbons is willing to fight but it doesn't really matter, what happens happens. Guys spend all this energy looking for a perfect woman, I don't know maybe I am too arrogant but I really am beyond all that. I want to be happy, who doesn't? My days of making too many compromises are over.

Virgin State Of Mind - K's Choice, not widely known although I bet a lot of lesbians know who they are. This is a disturbing but erotic song that seems to wrap itself around you, sort of like the feeling you get when the warmth of alcohol starts to affect you. The huskiness in her voice when she sings "Do you think I'm sexy, do you think I really care", sends shivers down my spine. This is music for lost love.

I Like Chopin - classic eighties europop. I prefer to listen to the extended version. It has that eighties veneer of refined perfection. The nonchalant vocals remind me of the days when I thought I was living the good life. None of the piano refrains in the song are Chopin but that doesn't matter. This song reminds me of when I turned up to an interview wearing a dinner suit with a classic wing collar shirt, (I had been out all night and didn't have time to go home).

Somebody Save Me - By Remi Zero, quite a rock track. "All my dreams have fallen down
crawling around somebody save me, and two warm hands break right through me, Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just stay, Stay, Come on, I've been waiting for you". Pleading for someones help, not something I would ever do in public, although in my darker hours, like my prayers to the moonlight, its something I do. Rule number one never show weakness in front of anyone. I learned this at a young age. There is nothing wrong with crying but save it for when your in private. No one else is interested, in fact most people will find your weakness repellent.

Here You Come Again - I don't mind admitting I like Dolly Parton, I could say its because of her genuine rags to riches story, coming from the crushing poverty of the Smoky Mountains. Or I could say its because she is a consummate business person or that she is a philanthropist. The truth is I love this song. Who hasn't had that feeling when they have accidentally bumped into a former lover, "here you come again, looking better than a body has a right to, and shaking me up so that all I really know is here you come again and here I go". I don't know what its like for girls but boys play silly games, you want to sleep with as many women as possible and I did that as well, but since I was twenty five or so every girl I have ever slept with, (with a few exceptions), has been because I wanted to. And if a girl attracts you that much then of course its going to affect you when you see here being with other people or just getting along with life - without you.

Anyway time to sign out, Happy Mothers Day to any mothers out there...

In case I don't see 'ya...Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!