Who's Going To Pay Attention To Your Dream

Today's P&L: GBP 90.00

Today's Booze: 1 litre of Smirnoff Red Vodka

Today's Soundtrack: Music to miss people to

Little trading done today, I know I am out of the loop somehow, so its best to stay out of the game until I can gain a firmer understanding although that goes against my reckless instincts. Ireland looks like it is going to have to call in the IMF, which by all reasoning should have a negative impact on the Euro, however the relentless supply of money in America is continuing to put the dollar under pressure. These markets are very thin just now and a huge downturn feels like it could happen any time but, having said that, we are now in the Christmas run up and people are reluctant to trade. It is almost inconceivable to me that a European nation like Ireland would be so close to default and the markets are failing to react. For Ireland it is just the end of an lucky ride they made the most of while it lasted, but going from three or four percent unemployment to nineteen percent in eighteen months must be devastating to any economy. The Irish will survive, U2 will eventually complete their skyscraper in Dublin but their plight shows an inherent weakness, not only in the ill-conceived Euro but in the global financial system. Nobody, including me, seems to have the answer.

I am feeling a little down right now - not sure why, I have hurt my knee quite badly and probably need surgery on it, but I shan't go to the hospital unless absolutely necessary. If they need to operate, it means at least a ten day stay. If its on my legs it usually ends up around a month. The stalker is staying clear just now - maybe because I am broke and she just cleared a million pounds on the sale of her Notting Hill flat. Don't know why she thinks it means anything to me, I have never asked her for money once in our troubled relationships, In fact when I first went out with her I didn't even know she was wealthy. I don't know why this gloom is surrounding me right now, I just feel something bad is going to happen to me. I was thinking about how I ended up like this the other night, its not as if I planned it in fact I never planned anything in my life. My biggest problem has always been lack of urgency, I never felt that I had to try too hard or rush anything. It always seemed that there would be more time. Now, all of a sudden it seems time is running out and every second seems like an unbearable loss. It doesn't help that my brother and his family are moving further away from London, I rarely see him as it is. Everyone who knows us thinks we are joined at the hip but over the last fifteen years, I have seen him about twenty times. We are close though. I have another brother as well but I never see him, we are not friends.

Today's music, my top five tracks:

True Colours - Cyndi Lauper is quite an underrated performer. This song is very simple and very beautiful. I guess this song is about showing your emotions, something that has never been that easy for me, (which is why I kind of use this blog as a place to show my feelings).

The Crying Game - Doesn't matter if it's Brenda Lee of Boy George, this is a great song. It is quite melancholic, but then again unrequited love usually is. I suppose I have been with lots of women who wanted me to be more serious with them, but maybe its just not in my character. Anyway, from the few I have heard from post relationship, they have all done just fine without me.

Echo Beach - I was listening a lot to the Gabriella Cilme version but, it can't match the original Martha and the Muffins song. I was wondering why the original low budget version with its cheap production sounded so much better. I think the remake is too much in your face, too upfront. The original has a sense of distance which fits in with the songs theme of longing - wishing you were in a better place. This is one of those songs that I have to listen to on a fairly regular basis, if I don't I just feel bad and I am not sure why.

I Can't Stand The Rain - I love the sequences running through this song, reminds me of how beautiful the rain is, When I lived in Bangkok and Indonesia I used to love it when it rained, it seemed like the city was clean for just a while. The road outside my apartment in Thailand always flooded to at least waist height and the young Thai kids would laugh at me trying to get home but also trying to avoid the flooded sewers. Tropical rainstorms are so much like life, no point trying to shield yourself from the rain, you are going to get drenched no matter what.

Lay Your Hands On Me - The Thompson Twins, I must have been about fourteen when this came out, I guess its about a guy finding salvation from his lover. For me it is a song about how weary life gets, that whole "when it almost seems too much" thing. Maybe its just because I'm feeling down, but hey, its not like I haven't been here before. I have done that whole gun against the head thing late at night.

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!