Yesterdays P&L: GBP68.00
Yesterdays Booze: 500ml Danzka Vodka, 1 ltr Dry Irish Cider, 5 double Gordons Gin & Tonic.

The markets are still so thin, making money is a matter of luck. There is no satisfaction in picking up money like this. The fun of trading is being right, of having a view and the nerve to follow it through.

I am still so gloomy, I can't shake this feeling of dispair, perhaps it is my view on the markets rolling into my life. I wasn't always so focusse on the markets, I used to have other interests, I am sure did. I remember being in a band in high school, I remember writing songs, I recall drawing and painting, I even remember writing a book and promising myself that I would rewrite it now that I am a more mature person. Gradually all these things dissapeared from my life, just like all the girlfriends I spent so much time with. My life boiled down to one thing and when I looked up everything else had gone. The strange thing is I don't miss any of it, the girls, the fun, the life. I must be so hollow inside.

This is the third time in my life that I have lost everything and had to start again, but it feels different now. In the past I wouldn't consider my circumstances, after a decent period of wallowing in self-pity, you get back to work - you persevere! This time when I look in the mirror, even when I am at my most euphoric, I know I am fooling myself. I can see right through me and I don't have any fight left in me. I feel like a boxer who has to get off his stool because it is expected of him but deep down he just wants to throw in the towel. I am going to be 38 very soon and I really don't know how much more of this I can take.