I Think I'm Losing My Mind

Todays P&L: GBP 60.00 sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Todays Booze: Still clean

Todays Soundtrack: Bruce Springsteen


The markets were nuts today, There was some serious volatility on the DOW30 at the to four in the afternoon, (London time). The general momentum is upside - I feel this is a bit of a suckers rally. The reason being touted is that Greece has no chance of defaulting. Well I could have told you that, but do the Germans know what they are doing by bailing out the Greeks. What next? Portugal, Spain, Ireland and Italy. This reminds me of a sovereign version of the UK banking crisis. If the government had taken decisive action hen Northern Rock collapsed and let those fools go under the speculators wouldn't have targeted RBS and HBOS, which proved far weaker than anyone knew. The correlation between the Dow and the dollar is interesting. America continues to print money in the form of treasury bonds. Gold is falling and I have decided to see how close it can get to a thousand dollars per ounce before choosing an entry point. The real buying signal will be when the analysts and talking heads on the business channel say the commodities rally is over.

Am I losing my mind? I think I might be although there are plenty of people, my father amongst them, that would say I am completely insane. We are not a family that believes in therapy and the like but when I was fifteen my family was going through a pretty hard time and after my art teacher and English teacher made some recommendations based on my 0 level course work I was recommended to see a psychiatrist, which would have been used as evidence in a complicated legal case my parents were engaged in, (long story and any more details would be detrimental to my family). My father refused, even though like any angst ridden teenager I was well up for it, his explanation? "If they get their hands on this fucker, we will never get him out of the looney bin" - charming. I recently told poetry of flesh on her strangely erotic blog about a brain trauma I had in my youth. Here is the story.

When I was very young, although it seems absurd to me that I was ever that young now, I was something of a child prodigy. They didn't really give IQ tests to children in those days, but mine was regarded as way off the scales, even though I was numerically dyslexic. The test used was mental age and mine was predicted at nineteen plus. This was something of a surprise to my parents who thought I was slow because I didn't talk until I was nearly three. When I was laughing as they were teaching my elder brother to read with some children s book and they said to me you can't even talk so I don't know why you are laughing. I then dictated the entire book they were using to my mother word perfect. Anyway apart from being a bit of a smart arse there wasn't much benefit apart from never having to study. One day I was in the street and I saw my older brother, whom I must have been a constant annoyance to, with some friends. I ran towards him probably shouting abuse. It was evening, probably about eight or nine and he picked up a lump of concrete hardcore which unfortunately had a very sharp edge and hurled it at me as I was running full speed towards him. The rock hit me square in the forehead. Anyway It pierced my skull and damaged my cerebral hemisphere. Once I came too, my brother who by now was really scared took me to his friends house where she cleaned up the huge amounts of blood and stuck a plaster over the hole in my skull. I was still dazed and when my brother and I returned home he told me to go straight to bed and not talk to my parents, which I did. They clearly knew something was up because they came into my room and rushed me to hospital. I don't actually remember any of this, its just what was told to me, In fact I don't remember anything sbout my childhood until I left the hospital. I wasn't in long, because there was nothing they could really do, I have a small scar in my forehead which still has a chip of granite in it as a reminder and a solid bump in the middle of my head. Didn't harm my looks much so that's good, but I lost my photographic memory and while still a smart arse probably a hundred or so IQ points. I think Poetry was interested in if I thought it had affected my behavior in any way. As I was too young then and can't remember anything about what I was like before it is impossible to tell. It does seem likely that my willful disregard for my own safety and my compulsive behavior may have been triggered by it. Like I say, I have never been to a shrink so who knows?

My other head injuries are when I was in Lagos and I was arrested by the army for drinking moonshine and buying currency on the black market, I was forced to squat in the sun and when I fell I was kicked by some soldier who I gave some racist abuse to, (did say I wasn't so smart anymore didn't I), and I was bashed over the head a few times with the stock of his rifle - that got me five stitches at the back of the skull and a concussion. And the other One was when I inexplicably fell over in Spain, (the pavements are crap), I didn't have time to brace myself at all and landed face first on a kerb, which broke my nose and left me with a scar between my eyes. It also broke my cheekbones and pushed my front teeth a few millimeters back, (I was really worried I would lose them - cant stand dentists). Anyway those probably knocked off a few more IQ points, in fact, I am lucky I can even make it to the toilet unaided these days.

So that's one of my many stories, am I mad? probably but I have the scars to prove it wasn't my fault.

Today's soundtrack was the boss, Springsteen. Not to everyone's taste but I really like him despite not being an unemployed steel worker from New Jersey. My top five Bruce tracks today are:

One Step Up: Quintessential Springsteen, Its got the lot, Marital problems, beaten up old Ford, drinking in a hard luck town. This song could be about my trading, One step up and two steps back. Instead its about my life, "It's the same thing night on night, Who's wrong baby who's right, Another fight and I slam the door on another battle in our dirty little war.When I look at myself I don't see the man I wanted to be.Somewhere along the line I slipped off track. I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back" This song is sad but the final verse when he sings "Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms, the music was never-ending.We danced as the evening sky faded to black" and the music shifts into a kind of crescendo, you really feel like all problems can be overcome. This song reminds me of the Lunatic.

Downbound Train - Bruce's entry to the gloomiest song ever competition, who can beat opening lines like "I had a job, I had a girl, I had something going mister in this world, I got laid off down at the lumber yard. Our love went bad, times got hard
Now I work down at the carwash, where all it ever does is rain. Don't you feel like you're a rider on a downbound train. She just said "Joe I gotta go, We had it once we ain't got it any more". She packed her bags left me behind". Is it any wonder I drink so much with music like this on my playlist. This reminds me of being alone in Bangkok when my luck finally ran out.

I'm On Fire - Short and sweet, who doesn't love this song. reminds me of being a kid and not getting the girl I wanted.

Better Days - Optimism at last, This song reminds me no matter how bad it seems I haven't got that much to complain about. "Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening,to the hours and minutes tickin' away. Yeah just sittin' around waitin' for my life to begin, While it was all just slippin' away" And also to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time "Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure don't make much for tragedy,but it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin and can't stand the company. Every fool's got a reason for feelin' sorry for himself and turning his heart to stone".

Philadelphia - back to doom and gloom a track that is stunning in its bleakness, " I was bruised and battered, and I couldn't tell what I felt.I was unrecognizable to myself. Saw my reflection in a window,I didn't know my own face". "Ain't no angel gonna greet me,it's just you and I my friend.And my clothes don't fit me no more.
I walked a thousand miles just to slip this skin" This song reminds me of when I was hospitalized and the doctors said I doubt you will make it through the night. The Nurse three days later said to me you look healthy, but your the sickest person in this ward. The guy next to me died that night.

Other close contenders were Two Faces, The River, Born To Run, Thunder Road Murder Incorporated and Mr State Trooper.