Tough Times

Yesterdays P&L: GBP -200.00

Yesterdays Booze: Nothing, but this can't last

Yesterdays Soundtrack: Abba


I knew I shouldn't have traded yesterday, my ever dwindling pool of capital will be gone soon. I am literally in the last chance saloon and am getting to the stage where it will be a last roll of the dice and if I fail, well it doesn't bare thinking about. I should be at the top of my game for this but instead, I am a physical and mental wreck. I am a pretty morose character but I don't recall ever feeling this far down. I am not sure how it has all come down to this, I know I have frittered away lots of money, my alcohol addiction and my reluctance to fly anything other than first class, plus my years of living in hotels has certainly put a dent in my cash, and while I wouldn't describe myself as generous, I have always been pretty free and easy with my cash and possessions. I have been on my uppers before with just a couple of hundred quid to my name and stuck it in a lapsed spread trading account, spent the night in bush shelters or on tube stations and traded at internet cafes until I could transfer my ill-gotten gains to a prepaid card, but I was a younger man then. Maybe this is just the way these things happen you squeeze life too hard and it falls through your fingers all the more quickly. I suppose i suspected this would happen when I came back to the UK. At the time I had broken several bones in my legs and was immobilized for several months. So I traded, actually I overtraded, as I had nothing else to do. I lost a lot of money. I recall thinking that this is wrong, I feel trapped, stuck in one place. It wasn't just my body that was immobile, my mind was leaden also. In the past I had always kept moving, trying to stay ahead, I felt like a shark or something that if I stopped swimming against the tide I would drown and now here I am drowning. And the worst of it is,it doesn't get better, people always say "things will get better" but they don't, they get worse.

Anyway, the markets bit me again, because I have to be cautious, I am missing so many opportunities. Things that I know are going to happen happen just I suspected unfortunately I can't afford to hold out for my predictions to come right so, I have to close out flat or at a small loss before the move happens. A good example is the cable, (sterling/dollar), and sterling / euro trades I was talking about a while back. The foreign exchange markets are fast and liquid so trading them is a chancy business. I had previously said that I though sterling was going to be strong against the Euro for a period, and it was, although both were soundly kicked by a resurgent dollar. I also said that the pound would be doing a lot better if it wasn't for this election and that's exactly what has happened. The political mess in this country and our appalling finances are making sterling less attractive even than the Euro. There is still scope for the Euro to unravel further as any of the other deadbeat countries may choose to do a Greece, (in fact a leading economist in Ireland said last week the Ireland should abandon the Euro). The pound however seems to be at the fate of the useless British politicians. Anyone who doubts how out of touch these buffoons are should have watched the program tower block of commons where a number of them spent a week on housing estates or projects as our American friends call them. Mind you I suppose we get the government we deserve The BBC started the week with its main story being the return from Dubai of chav footballer John Terry reunited with his ridiculous wife and ended it with the lead story being Tiger Woods apologizing for cheating on his wife. I found it difficult to take either story seriously as news, I mean Terry is an tosser on the downside of his career, (is it just me or were he and Danny Dyer separated at birth), and where else is his wife going to find someone to pay for her shopping and get her in the papers. As for Woods, at that sanitized press conference, claiming his wife had never battered him, despite seemingly having ripped his car in two with her bare hands. Ok she is a scary Nordic chick, but lets be honest he can afford to buy his own island and stock it full of all the exotic babes he wants. From now on we know three things about Tiger Woods. He is really, really good at golf. He really, really can't keep it in his pants and that in his marriage he is the bitch.

According to iTunes my most listened to music yesterday was ABBA. Abba was a huge band when I was eight to about twelve. They were deeply unfashionable during the New Romantic frenzy that came afterward, but I always liked them, I thought their songs were great and even though I couldn't write music loved their harmonies. They also seemed to have the requisite melancholy for a character like mine. Some of the songs are surprisingly sad. A lot of their music reminds me of Rumours by Fleetwood Mac. Not in terms of the music, but if you listen to that record you can feel the sound of peoples personal relationships falling apart. Anyway here are my five favourite Abba songs yesterday:

Knowing Me Knowing You - Great song, this. Its kind of like it always is when you stop seeing someone. Sometimes no matter how right it seems to be with someone, you just know it isn't going to work out. "Knowing me, Knowing you, it's the best I can do".

The Winner Takes It All - Classic broken heart music, Even if you've never been in a great romance, this song makes you feel like you have. I love the line "Tell me does she kiss, like I used to kiss you. Does it feel the same When she calls your name". Part of keeping moving was always to know when to get out. I have seen that hurt look in a few girls eyes, when you've left it too long. The worst thing about stopping seeing someone is that moment. Its much better if they get mad at you or best of all if they dump you. This song really reminds me of the Lunatic

Money, Money, Money - Quite appropriate right now. Who doesn't want to be rich? I have been poor and relatively wealthy, but have a fairly healthy disregard for money. The Stalker and the Lunatic have both been seriously rich, neither seems to have been too happy although the Stalker gets huge pleasure in giving money to the poor. Shame she doesn't throw any of that coin my way.

The Name Of The Game - This song makes me think of predatory women, I have known a few, I don't know if women can tell when a man is interested in them. I always just assume that women think all men are interested in them. Men can definitely feel when a woman is hunting them.

The Visitors - How I feel right now. Trapped, a long way from where I should be "I cannot move, I'm standing, numb and frozen, among the things I loved so dearly". One of the good things about being alone is that you tend not to carry too much dead weight with you. When I left Bangkok, I had one hand luggage with me, It had everything I owned in it. I have been know to get on planes with nothing more that my passport, toothbrush and wallet. You stay in one place you get possessions, you get tied down. I was happier before.

Anyway bye for now,
and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!