Today's P&L: Nothing - its Saturday
Today's Booze: Well no sleep last night so over the 2 days, finished 4 bottles of vodka and 6 pints of Stella, but its still early.
In a bit of pain today, broke my right ankle again. As far as I know that's the eighteenth time. It isn't a bad break . I can always tell, this is just above the foot, probably a hairline fracture. I shant go to the doctor as I hate hospitals anyway what will they do. God love the NHS they always try and help you but the consultant I spoke to last time said my right ankle is so necrotic that all they could do is rivet it together with no mobility and if I can take the pain I will be better off leaving it alone.
I broke my ankle going out to get a small birthday present for my uncle who is sixty five tomorrow. He is a good guy but I feel he never really had as much out of life as he should. Its easy for someone like me who has never had a problem with women to treat them like shit but someone like my uncle who is a far nicer person than I could ever be has missed out on the love that I take for granted. I often think about my life as if it is normal, but sometimes I realize that a normal life is all most people want - I doubt I will ever be happy no matter what I have. All my Uncle wants is to feel wanted. I love my uncle but could never tell him that, I can't say that to my parents or even my brother who, means the world to me. Well I say he means the world to me, but maybe its just because I owe him GBP seventy five thousand. In fact, Fuck it - I hate them all!
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About Me
- Toni
- Im not saying I have been everywhere and done everything, (although I have). I just want to know what comes next.
5 comments:
STOP. Now.
I just can't stop
one of my colleagues once challenged everyone in the trading room to a drinking competition on his birthday, but he looked me squarely in the eyes and said "not you, because you don't stop until someone dies".
If you were my son, husband, brother I'd lock you in a room to detox you.Do you realize that when things turn really bad (pretty soon) you will not have any choices left. Past the point of no return you will be dependent. You need to act now while there is still a window of opportunity. There are drugs which will help. Also religious faith is therapeutic. You say you are a Catholic. Take it up again. It may save your life.
Anonymous I am so far beyond that point already. When I was hospitalized last year the doctor initially thought I had Leukemia. It was the only way she could interpret my bloods. After that I went to Church. I hadn't been since I was eleven. I had even forgotten how to confess. The priest had a few sharp intakes of breath as I told him my sins. I am not afraid of dying.
Dear Toni,
I can't help but notice things got a bit worse when the Vodka reared its head again. I know you think drink is your friend but it isn't. It's the thing that's destroying you, deadening your emotions, and making you think your life is not worth anything. It is. I know you will probably counterbalance this with your own arguments and they will all probably be true in your head but, at the end of the day, life can be good and simple and enjoyable without drink and you don't need to throw yours away because of it. Why not think about getting some help -seriously? Your brother and family obviously mean alot to you from the way you write about them - why don't you try at least? Sorry if I sound like a sanctimonious prick or the like.
Another Anon
PS I'm not pitying you either - it just seems wrong.
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