Fridays P&L: GBP- 6,240.00
Fridays Booze: 2 liters of Smirnoff Blue label Vodka
Bad day today. My love of the gold market bit me in the ass to the tune of GBP six thousand six hundred and sixty seven. Which was in no way offset by the GBP forty three hundred I made on the FTSE. I cant explain why I got it so wrong. The markets move like a beautiful ocean, sometimes they are calm, other times they roil with fury and you get smashed against the rocks. So thats what I did I got smashed.
In addition my maddest ex got back in touch with me by e-mail. This woman has caused me such grief in my life and is currently dating some New Zealander because "he looks like me". Nonsense of course, I haven't had a match since Elvis died. I have no idea why women do this, lets stay in touch thing. This woman would have killed me when I lived with her and she did break my nose when I was asleep. Yet she tells me I am the love of her life. Perhaps she should have thought about that when I was with her.
Why is this post called Sultans? well because I am listening to the song right now. Actually it is a bootleg of one of their performances in the eighties with the mellow saxophone that just makes me think of coffee bars in the west end of London. Mark Knopfler is an extraordinary musician his guitar says more in one note than most authors can ever achieve. If you don't know the Sultans of Swing it is a song about a pub band in London.
The beauty of the song is in the detail, lines like "and Harry doesn't mind if he doesn't make the scene, Hes got a daytime job, hes doing alright. He can play the honkeytonk like anything, saving it up for Friday night with the Sultans, the Sultans of Swing". This brings a tear to my eye. Back when I was a child, fifteen or so, I was in a band and really thought we would go all the way. Life got in the way, things changed - my guitarist got married and had children I turned into a sociopath. We all have dreams, don't you sometimes think "if only I had tried a bit harder", perhaps it could have worked out. I got a job in an investment bank, what if I had struggled a bit longer - fought a bit harder. Maybe I would have made it. Maybe I could have been one of the Sultans. Instead I took the easy option, I got a job that I never really wanted and a past I could have done without.
Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad and I probably sound like a whining bitch, but I go to sleep every night, (or pass out - you never go to sleep when you are an alcoholic), thinking this isn't my life - It should have been someone elses.
Ok, I am feeling sorry for myself, I am nearly forty years old, the quack tells me I will be incredibly luck to see forty one and I feel utterly ambivalent about it. I am a Catholic, I believe in God why do I feel like he couldn't care less about me? I am sure anyone who reads this will say why should God care about me, but isn't that part of the deal - I fulfilled my side of the bargin. Ok I have sinned, (a lot) but don't I deserve absolution.
Anyway, I have a whole case of Vodka left - welcome to my self destruction.
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4 comments:
Now, seriously. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Did you consider my feelings at all when you wrote it? 'Course not. Just like a man. Anywho, I read about your break-up and was just trying to cheer you up. You know, sounding like a nag. Hope it worked ;-)
Cheers!
lesinfin,
I would never want to hurt your feelings. Your blog is weird but beautiful, you seem to enjoy an appreciation of life and emotion that I can never have. My break up with this girl is just another symptom of my condition. I met her seventeen years ago and we split up for different reasons about a year later. We re-met last year in January. We hadn't spoke a word in all that time but there still was instant attraction, you know that feeling where it feels like electricity when you casually brush your arm against someone. Her life is very different to mine she is a strong woman but not a reckless one. I guess I am too far gone for her to rehabilitate I hope she finds someone who deserves her more than I do.
Could be that she is not trying to "rehabilitate" you, just be with you.
I honestly can't conceive why someone would want to be with me.
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