Easy Come, Easy Go

Today's P&L: GBP 0.00

Today's Booze: 2 large Remy Martin XO, 1 bottle of house Red from some Tapas place in Guadamar, 3 pints of Aspalls cider, 3 large Oban whiskeys


So this is Christmas - again, last time I didn't know if I would see another and yet here I am and very little has changed. I am still a terminal alcoholic but I have had nearly a year of a quite intense relationship. The kind of relationship I had supposed I couldn't form or at least had no need for anymore. Of course, I feel my life is more dramatic, everyone does. We are all the stars of our own private soap operas. The girlfriend was back again. She shamed me by buying me a gift, even though she knows that I don't really give or receive gifts on Christmas. It was a limited edition Montblanc pen, a percentage of the ludicrous price goes to Unicef so I guess that sates her seemingly endless desire to help the needy. I often wonder why she is so driven to help other people as she professes not to believe in God. She doesn't identify herself as an atheist though and when drunk it is quite clear she believes in something. She has been in a similar position to me in that she has been given very little chance of surviving, although hers is in no way self-inflicted. It seems so tragic to me that people believe that they die and that is it, I mean sure maybe they are correct but its a bit bleak isn't it? Whats the point in anything if in the relative blink of an eye the human race and all we achieve will be forgotten about. Whats the point in having children or in saving the planet - it ultimately won't make any difference. If all we have is the here and now, why don't more people just take what they want, why would someone like the girlfriend bother to help other people? She obviously doesn't believe she will get some great reward so I wonder what motivates her.

Anyway, I have a liver biopsy coming up soon, so perhaps my answer to what comes next will be revealed. I am pretty sure that I won't take a liver transplant if its available. I just feel that self-inflicted damage like mine shouldn't be treated at the expense of those more deserving. Still I am a cowardly son of a bitch, so I may change my mind. I shall go and watch my favorite movie, Collateral after posting this; "guy gets on the subway here in LA and dies - think anyone will notice"? Still can't believe its going to be a new decade soon and shortly afterward my fortieth birthday.