The Beauty Of Rome, The Genius Of Venice

Today's P&L: GBP 980.00

Today's Booze: One Litre of Stolychnaya vodka, 750cl of Patron tequila - No point in giving up now.

Today's Soundtrack: All sad songs

I hear the Seven Deadly Sins
And the Terrible Twins came to call on you
The bigger they are babe
The harder they fall on you
And you you're always the same you persevere
On the same old pleasure ground
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

You had no more volunteers
So you got profiteers for to help you out
With friends like that babe
Good friends you had to do without
And now they're taken the chains and the gears
From off your merry-go-round
Oh and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

And your new Romeo
Was just a gigolo when he let you down
See the faster they are babe
The faster they get out of town
Leaving make up stains and the tears
Of a clown
Yes and it never rains around here
It just comes pouring down

Oh you were just a roller coaster memory
I don't know why I was even passing through
I saw you making a date with Destiny
When he came around here asking after you
In the shadow of the Wheel Of Fortune
You're busy trying to clear your name
You say ' I may be guilty yeah that may be true
But I'd be lying if I said I was to blame
See we could have been major contenders
We never got no money no breaks '
You're got a list of all the major offenders
You got a list of all their major mistakes
And he's just standing in the shadows
Yes and you smile that come-on smile
Oh I can still hear you say as clear as the day
" I'd like to make it worth your while "

Ah but it's sad reminder
When your organ grinder has to come to you for rent
And all you've got to give him
Is the use of your side-show tent
Yes and that's all that remains of the years
Spent doing the rounds
And I never never rains around here
Well it just comes pouring down

Now you know what they say about beggars
You can't complain about the rules
You know what they are about beggars
You know who's the first to blame his tools
You never gave a damn about who you pick up
And leave laying bleeding on the ground

You screw people over on the way up
Because you thought that you were never coming down
And he takes you out in Vaudeville Valley
With his hand up smothering your screams
And he screws you down in Tin Pan Alley
In the city of a billion dreams

So, the jig is up, finally got some results back from the quacks and I have secondary liver and primary pancreatic cancer. The prognosis isn't great, but nobody is sure, best case they think eighteen months, worst case tonight. Of course they want to hospatilise me but I'll be damned if I spend my last few weeks or months in a hospital. I am dubious when they say this as they have been wrong before and they still can't identify the size or the locations of the lesions on my liver. I have a six millimeter shadow on the left lobe - doesn't sound so bad to me. If it is true, then I can't complain - my life hasn't been that bad. I can't tell my parents. I have put them through too much lately and anyway there was never any chance I would take their offer of a liver transplant. I don't have the same blood group as my mother and my father is just too old. Telling them the bad news will just ruin whatever is left of their lives. I have to hope I live longer than them.

Do I blame the booze? not at all, I have drunk so much in my life, but no one forced it down my throat. I am a grown up, and am willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. I will say that if drinking can damage someone like me then some drinkers out there should watch out. I have a hugely strong constitution, mind you I drank more than most. Sometimes, I didn't even know how much I was drinking but my father claims he once witnessed me drinking eight liters of spirits in one day. I know the day he is talking about. It was a heavy drinking day for me followed by the birthday of one of his friends, down in Spain. Sure I drank a lot but I didn't think it was that much. He says he has never seen anyone drink the way I do. One of my few friends also said that, well he said "you just drink until someone dies" and he came from a long line of Irish alcoholics. I can't hate the booze though, most of my great times have happened when I was slightly drunk. Very few people my age have experienced drinking in a tin shack bar in Lagos and a few years later sharing a cocktail with the ex president of America. - Christ, I am not immortal, what a shocker. I really thought I was.

Still, I will continue to write the dipso diaries as long as I can or as often as I can as The Stalker, who is also terminal is talking about her and I doing a bucket list. The bucket list is a fascinating idea for me as I obviously think I have done everything, any suggestions? There are some things I can't do such as sky diving as the landing would shatter my ankles and I have no time left for rehab. Remember, I have Osteoncrosis. I can't swim very well but one of the things on my provisional list is that going down in a cage to see a great white shark. Don't get all emotional and tell me I should make my peace with my parents or my older brother - that isn't likely to happen. The charity thing, done it. Although nowhere near as much as I should have and nothing compared to the stalker. I wanted to learn how to fly, but I doubt I have time for that.

The Stalker is also unreliable, not her fault, but those years we were apart she had a husband and two children. I wouldn't deny her the right to spend what time she has left with her family. She has prepared for this, after her first diagnosis with cancer she effectively transferred parenting of her children to her husband. As I have learned saying it and doing it are far different things.

Suppose I should also start thinking what to do with the few assets I have left. there is the small house in Windsor and the villa in Spain and I think I still have an apartment in a dodgy area of South East London, but you know it suddenly seems so unimportant. The place in Spain is leased out but I may just liquidate the rest for the funds to spend on the bucket list. The stalker and I don't fly at the back of the plane. I doubt Mastercard or Visa will approve but what am I going to do? Worry about paying my debts? You know, the fight is over - they won, now they can try and reclaim any money I owe them from my ashes.

I'd like to thank anyone who ever read this blog, ok only eleven followers but quite a few anonymous readers. Sorry I didn't have any great insights or that I was really just writing about my own selfish life. One day this blog will dissapear into the internet dust. I was always genuine though, I started writing about my self destruction, just happened quicker than I thought. I am not Elvis or Mozart, I am just a ghost of the man I used to be. The thing that bothers me most is that I didn't do enough with my life. As Tom Cruise would say in Collateral, "Guy gets on the subway and dies. Think anybody'll notice"? And as Truman would say:

In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!