Today's P&L: GBP 0.00
Today's Booze: 1 bottle of red wine, 4 pints of Red Stripe lager
Today's Soundtrack: Eighties pop/rock
Well, that was brilliant. I must have caught my leg on the corner of a bed or nail or something. One of the grafts on my calf has a tear in it and there are a few patches of black skin. I can't handle another three weeks in hospital. Next week I get to see another bunch of doctors who might finally have some answers for me that don't involve a liver transplant. If the necrotising skin grows in size then I will be back in the local hospital and miss that appointment. Seems meaningless anyway as they have already told me they can't do another graft on my leg. Whatever happens - I have to keep it quiet from my family. The old folks have gone on a cruise and I know my mother will demand to be flown back to the UK if she finds out I am hospitalised for the fifth time in six months. I cant show the stalker either, despite her medical training, because she just got released from hospital and has practically no immune system right now. So looks like I am on my own.
The Princess has, apparently, got married to some older dude. Some Japanese guy in his fifties. It's difficult for me to remember she is only ten years younger than me so she is getting on a bit by Asian standards. In my mind she will always be twenty three. They had the Thai ceremonies at her family compound and across the river at the Oriental. Not a cheap place to get married. I think the Japanese ceremony was in Kyoto. I am glad for her, I have no bad feelings towards her at all, she was a lovely girl and I hope she is happy, she never needed someone like me in her life.
I was reflecting on life a little. If you could get another chance, what would you do different? I would be interested in hearing from any readers if there is anything they would do differently. For myself I doubt anything would change, I would probably be locked in this self-destructive cycle no matter what. But judging by the comments I have had on this blog, most readers are a little more sensible than me.
Listened to more eighties music today. The top five tracks:
Don't Need A Gun - Has anybody ever had anything good to say about Billy Idol? Personally, I like his music. There is no great message behind it, it is rock'nroll party music. Billy Idol made a lot of money with a sneer and a bad attitude, but then this was in the days before America's got talent and Pop Idol. Ok, I would trust Myleene Klass to look after my children, but I'd rather go on a night out with Billy.
Hold Me Now - The Thompson Twins, a great song. "You ask If I love you, Well what can I say". Why do girls need to hear it so much and why is it so hard for men to say?
Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues, "Then we sang a song, the rare old mountain dew, I turned my face away and dreamed about you". Not very seasonal but the song that reminds me of the lunatic more than any other. The single most hostile and passionate love affair I ever had. Sooner or later though, you get tired of checking she hasn't cut your balls off when you wake up.
Snow On The Sahara - Don't know if this was released in Europe or if it is from the eighties, but quite a big hit in Asia for the Indonesian singer Anggun. I love this song because it is full of the mystery of the east and also the myth, (and truth), about why so many white men are entranced by Asian women. "If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts, I'll hold you up and be your way out, And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara ". Check out the video on you tube. Angunn is so exotic. Reminds me of a lost weekend in Jakarta. Asians are calm and quiet on the outside and avoid confrontation, but they are very tempestuous. I love Asia, especially South East Asia, but you can imagine how my lack of depth went down. In a society where closeness is welcomed I could have been from another planet. The Lunatic is a good example, often everyone, including her servants would end up sleeping in the same room, despite their not only being several bedrooms but also four adjoined houses - all empty.
I've Been Losing You - aHA, anyone remember them? Norwegian pop idols. "Now in the mirror stands half a man, I thought no one could break". Reminds me of drinking at lunch hour when I was in school. The nearest pub had this on the juke box. Scandinavians are a little fascinating to me. They seem so indifferent to so much. But their passionate nature must run deep. I thought no one could break me, but I am beginning to suspect I may be weaker than I thought.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
I don't think I'd change anything or do something differently. Perhaps I may have kicked my ass into gear and started seriously job-hunting earlier (and maybe not spend so much on my credit card) but I am happy with who I am today. When I read your blog I don't sense despair or a call for sympathy - it is very matter-of-fact and realistic, so I don't doubt you when you say you'd still end up the same way. Often times I feel like I should change something in my past, but then that is only to meet someone else's expectations of me. Despite my constant whining about life, it could be worse and I am grateful that it isn't. Cheesy, but there you have it.
Anonymous, you seem to have a well balanced view of life. The truth is most of us have it pretty good. Of course the idea of looking for a job earlier or not getting into debt is something most of us would change, but you know these days there is no job security - your employer shows you no commitment, so how can they expect us to slave for them? As for debt, I genuinely wouldn't mind if I owed the credit cards millions when I died. I know the good book says neither a borrower or lender be, but screw that these companies still charge close to thirty percent interest when base rates are half a percent. In my last full time position the banks that issued me credit cards automatically increased my limit every three months or so, even though my main credit card provider wasn't even my main bank account and I just stuck in cash whenever I had a big score on my own account trading.
Other peoples expectations are troubling, I can't help feeling I have let down my family as so much was expected from me.
I wouldn't change a thing. I agree with anonymous that you don't seem to regret all of the fun that you had in being 'destructive' ;) I myself don't believe in regret. Even the lowest lows and biggest failures have taught me valuable things or set me on a new path that I am much better off on. Spending time wishing you could change things is only worth it if you have a time machine!
Btw, I'm the anonymous commenter above, I hit the wrong button when I submitted the comment. But I guess you'd have figured that out by the stuff I was writing.
If/when I spend too much time thinking how I got into that particular situation and try not to have regrets.
For everything I would take back there are at least four or five good things that wouldn't have happened had I not been on the wrong road, at the wrong time, and/or with the wrong person...
As you said - other people's expectations - what are your expectations?
PS - I now have 'Take on Me' going around in my head!
Thanks for the comments guys, I was beginning to feel a little lonely.
Lifebegins,your right of course and I don't have a time machine. I know I can't help myself but I wish I had been a better person. In one of my earlier posts I recalled how I mocked the princess for her charity work, the truth is it's everyones responsibility to help if they can.
MJ, I think the credit card reference gave it away! Mind you you seem to be happy enough right now. Is the show a roaring success?
30-F, Take On Me is one of the alltime classics, everytime I hear it I remember, "it's no better to be safe than sorry". I never really considered what my expectations where. It was assumed I could do whatever I wanted. Even my teachers assumed I would be a rock star or something like that.
i don't think i would change anything much too. though i do have one nagging regret on how i treated/ behaved with a friend (and possibly potential love partner) of mine. i was seriously childish and said and did a lot of things which on hindsight i wish i did differently. but that's not to say i didn't learn anything from it.
just wish sometimes i could turn back time a little to respond differently. a futile hope but it comes around every so often. that's the only thing i can think of. the rest of the nonsense i've done.. no regrets ;)
you live and learn. i'm not sure if you've read milan kundera's unbearable lightness of being.. something he said comes to mind after reading this post..
"there is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. we live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. and what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?"
Toni, you know me too well. The show is doing well, and we are winding down now, we are in the final week with 6 shows left. Have to figure out how to fill the void once the show ends.
I wouldn't say I'm happier, just slightly more in denial and stuffed with chocolate. Chocolate really helps!
I have read the book, miss angry and whilst I agree to a certain extent, I never considered things as deeply as Kundera did. For me every day since I was a a teenager has been a fight, more so since I left my family at sixteen. You know what, I am just tired of fighting. I hsve been told I am dying so many times now that I really don't believe it anymore. Maybe I am not as strong as my father or the stalker who seem to be made out of iron, or maybe my faith leads me to believe there is something more out there, even if thats the case I know I cannot expect redemption.
Post a Comment