Today's P&L: GBP -370.15 GBP so far
Today's Booze: one bottle of Bells Whiskey, which I hate but it was there.
Today's Soundtrack: The Pretenders
The Stalker is off doing more charity work, Christ I know she lost twenty million plus in the credit crunch, but she could ease a lot of my problems with just a wave of her hand. She is working with children with cerebral palsy for the next two weeks so it seems stupid of me to drop any hints and anyway I would never directly ask her for a hand-out. She asked me "Don't you care about anyone Else's feelings"? Which has got to be the most stupid question I have been asked since someone tried to sell me Dell stock. Of course I don't. I am the most selfish person in the world and to be frank, I thought that was what attracted her.
My wonderful readers have once again exceeded my expectations with their concern for me, but I think most of them are missing the point of this diary of self-destruction. I have to find out how far I can push it and what comes next. If this life is all there is then the world isn't big enough for me. My rib is healing ok, although there is a huge bruise across my body. That is quite usual for me, since my blood stopped clotting I bruise very easily and for a long time. The boy hasn't contacted me again, but after crying in my beer for a few nights I am over it. He had to break the tie between us, even his son asked him what was wrong with uncle ********.
Today I was listening to The Pretenders. The top five songs I listened to:
I Go To Sleep - For some reason this song reminds me of Russia and my crazy few days in Moscow. Russia was just on the verge of defaulting, but it was still gangstertown. Ideal for someone like me with my less than ethical morals.
Don't Get Me Wrong - Bouncy pop music, but make no mistake, Chrissy Hyde is a bona fide rock chick. This song reminds me of a hot night in Soho, London where I was turned away from a private members drinking club, possibly the easiest three thousand they ever lost. Wound up spending all my money in a few other bars and a great Indonesian restaurant that used to be near Soho Square. I always liked drinking in restaurants.
Hymn to Her - As Kitty says, a Mothers love is unconditional. I'll tell you something though, my mother and I are far too similar and I can read her like a book. I'll bet you all the Tea in China I can stop her having anything to do with me in less than five minutes.
Brass in Pocket - reminds me of when I was poor and I still had something to fight for.
I'll Stand By You - A song about supporting other people, something I never did enough of and something I will have to answer for. The Stalker thinks she is a lot like me, The Lunatic even more so but they are not. I am not special they are.
In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
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About Me
- Toni
- Im not saying I have been everywhere and done everything, (although I have). I just want to know what comes next.
4 comments:
Hey Toni, enjoyed your music, as always. I don't think this life is all there is. It may be that I believe that because it makes me happy. And that’s OK. I enjoy feeling happy. Not everyone does. I think we are all the same in some ways, in that we strive to feel what we need to feel. I think I like happy because I lived long enough with the alternative. I grew tired of it, bored with it, something like that. But not everyone does. And that’s fine too.
In any case, I’ve come to the conclusion that (eventually) all roads lead to Rome ;-)
xoxo
Actually I think your sense of adventure, your pushing of boundaries, your reckless risk taking, your acceptance of responsibility for both your actions and inactions together with your total lack of self-pity makes you pretty special too x
Lesinfin, I would have never thought of you as someone who lived with the alternative to being happy, but you are rather hard to pin down. There must be something more to this world than simple science our how would anyone explain why humans achieve so much. Look at San Marco, Listen to Beethoven, read Shakespeare - It's all there. Nature is remarkable but why is it we all strive to build castles in the sky.
Kitty, shucks now I am all emotional. I am sure I will whinge like a bitch when the end comes, from what the doctors tell me everyone does. Thanks for understanding, but you know if I was in the position of your ex and had a child to consider I really doubt I could be so reckless, my only advantage is I never had any real responsibility.
Hey Toni, I did—live with the alternative--for a long time. And I could make a million excuses, recite stories, whatever. But the truth is I was where I was because I chose to be. I wanted and needed to feel and exhaust every alternative. And I did. Happiness is a choice too. One I’ve come to enjoy a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. But it has taken me a long minute. And I know, first hand, nothing anyone says makes any bit of difference. Which is why I try not to. Happiness doesn’t come by way of invitation. Know what I mean?
And you're right. Nature is remarkable. And it is all there...
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