If it doesn't kill you...

Today's P&L: GBP -290.00

Today's Booze: Nothing

Today's Soundtrack: No music really

Bad trading day today, nobodies fault but mine. I read the market wrong from the start. The futures were down and I sold out at he bottom. I hate this, I know I am a better trader than this, OK my arrogance often gets the better of me but I shouldn't make such amateurish mistakes. I am getting very frustrated with my lack of success.

Feeling quite lonely since the parents departed, the stalker is still in hospital, so I am home alone. It's probably a good thing as my sex drive is still quite low, the doctors think it is because of the enormous stresses placed on my body recently. I just think that it's due to my poor trading, I always feel more virile when I am winning. It is odd because the stalker has, if anything, a higher sex drive despite being unwell. She seems OK about it but every now and again reminds me that when we first went out I made love to her all night until she couldn't breath. God, that was a lifetime and three hundred or so partners ago for me.

Thinking about my family history recently, I barely know my immediate family, let alone my grandparents, who are all dead. My father says I was the pride of his father, although he died before my first accident so, I can't remember him at all. Apparently he was quite the character. Since my father came from such a poor background, I assumed he would be poor also, although how much down from Govan you can go I am not sure. Turns out this wasn't the case his father was a White Russian Jew and the family had a major business on the Southside of Glasgow. Nothing was left to my grandfather however as he married a Roman Catholic and, like most white Russians, they were jews. His adventures in the war, make me laugh, as he was clearly a man like me. He had persuaded all his friends to sign up for the territorial army in order to collect the bounty they then paid, assuring them that there was no chance of war. Within the month, they were in France. His friends spent most of their time trying to hunt him down. When they were evacuated from Dunkirk, it was just prior to payday and the place that stored the British mens wages was behind German lines, so he had a plot to rob the bank, which he and his brother achieved, unfortunately the cash held was BFPO money and not only was it useless back home they would be given the death sentence for having stolen it, so they dumped it over the side of the ship. He then had a dubious army career in North Africa before finally ending up in Greece. My grandmother, possibly one of the fiercest women I have ever encountered, finally demanded he came home in nineteen forty seven, which was two years after the war ended.

I wonder how I would have done in the war. I am not the heroic type, so I doubt I would do well. Through bad timing and circumstance I have been through three uprisings, that could have turned into civil wars. I seem to have inherited the uncanny sixth sense my father has for desperate situations although I lack his ability to know exactly when to cut and run. Which is why I know what it feels like to have the barrel of a Kalashnikov against the back of my head and he doesn't.

As I said yesterday I was going to watch some movies and i re watched The Killing Fields. This film always makes me cry. You know the Cambodians had a very pure form of Buddhism and who could have thought they of all people would commit the atrocity of year zero. I have been to Cambodia a few times and I'll be honest I love it there but its a desperate place. A whole generation wiped out. When you are sitting in the foreign corespondents bar in Phnom Pen, you can see how beautiful the country and people are. Of course there were very few Westerners in the country when the Khmer Rouge were in charge but anyone who reads the autobiography of Haing S Ngor, who played Dith Prang will realise how accurate the film was. His description of the water torture in the forest, with the discarded embryos and babies in the trees will stick in my mind forever. Also when he says the look on the young girls face when she breaks the vine he tried to grow, sent a chill down his spine. I was lucky enough to avoid such situations, but I still remember being held at gunpoint by Kopassus soldiers in Indonesia and the lunatic ex telling me, "whatever you do - don't get on your knees because then they will shoot you".


In case I don't see 'ya...good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!